My husband is a nurse and hears all kinds of things. A 74 year old church going lady told him this joke:
An old lady is sitting at home watching TV when she hears the door bell. "Who in the world is that at my door?" She says as she gets up to check.
When she opens the door she sees an old war vet. He was obviously badly wounded by a blast or other horrible accident. She asks, "How can I help you Sir?"
"Maam," He says," I'm here to ***ually pleasure you."
Shocked, she says "MY LORD! How do you expect to do that?! You don't have any arms!"
"No, maam I don't" He replies
"Or legs!!" she exclaims.
"True." says the man "I don't have those either but I did ring the door bell, didn't I?"