Spread Laughter and Cure Boredom

Alright people, by popular demand (like3 people)....my worst ever online date

So this takes place about a week after the last date. Gotta get back on that horse right? So I tale this girl out to a bar/restaurant. After she orders her food, she drops the bomb. She tells me for the past 7 years, she has been a professional dominatrix.

So I'm an open minded guy, I'm cool with this. She probably has some funny stories right? Well. She starts telling me these stories, and for the first half hour or so, they are pretty entertaining. Eventually though, I want to talk about other things. However, anytime I try to change the subject, she immediately brings it back to dudes she ****ed on. It got weird, I could barely get a word in. She basically didn't take a breath for 3 hours. Again, I'm a really open minded guy. But there's only so many consecutive stories of ball gags and double sided ***** butt ****ing a person can take before even the most open minded amongst us start to feel uncomfortable. She was giving me crazy eyes!
At one point, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. As I stand up and turn around, she seizes this chance to smack my butt. Keep in mind, this lady is a PROFESSIONAL. It was crisp and painful. To put this in perspective I was wearing thick jeans, she hit me in my back pocket, and when I checked myself for damage in the bathroom there was a clear fat red handprint on my butt cheek. Like, I could see the lines in her hand. I could have mooned a psychic and they would have been able to predict my dates future.
So I'm about done with this. We finish the meal and I drive her home, while she still blabs tales of donkey tail butt plugs and toys I've never heard of going in places I wish I hadn't heard. So I pull in her driveway....the second the car goes into park she immediately grabs my nuts. Like specifically targeted them. And it wasn't ***y, it was a hostage situation where she had all the power. Then she straight licks the side of my face, chin to hairline, her tongue as big as a Shetland pony. I do not want. Then she looks me in the eyes and says menacingly "I'm gonna strap you into my *** dungeon!"
"The **** you are, I choose LIFE!" I think to myself. How do I get out of this? She literally has me by the balls here. So here's what I come up with. I tell her that "hell yeah, let's do it! I have a special toy I keep in my trunk, is that okay?" She says "sure, bring any toys you want!" So I tell her to meet me at her doorstep while I bust it out because I want it to be a surprise. As she steps out the car she gives me a look that she thinks is ***y but is actually terrifying. The second her feet touch the ground, I SLAM the car in reverse and fly out of her driveway as fast as my car can go. You know how most people pull out of a driveway, switch to drive, then drive off ahead? I did not do that. I didn't want that one second of switching gears to give her the chance to catch me. I pulled out the driveway and just kept going down the street in reverse for like 5 blocks. The passenger door was flapping around, still open because I took off before she shut it. When I am satisfied she won't catch me, I close the door, put it in drive, and go home.

Gotta get back on that horse, right? Wrong. I got home, iced my balls and deleted my online dating profile. Not today, Satan.