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Swagvice Column, Submission 1

Dear Swagvice,
I've had this awkward itch around my b-hole for a while.
Itchy Butthole

Dear Itchy Butthole,
There are several routes you can take to eliminate this unwanted personal itch. I know how uncomfortable it can be when there's an irritation in your irrigation. The first thing to do is throw other people's opinions out the window, reach your hand down your pants (from the front) and shove a finger or two right up against your brown eye and go to town. However, this is not the best option if you want to keep your job, your family, and you don't want to be added to the *** offender registry.

Alternatively, you can go a different, more creative route. Find a decent ratcheting screwdriver; it has to be this specific type because they have wider shafts than regular ones. Pick the attachment head that looks like it will offer the most relief, and jam it all right in there. Through the hole and everything. This is probably going to hurt, and may even cause grievous injury and internal bleeding. This is desirable. The pain will distract you from the itch, and you can get a ride in an ambulance.

If this isn't appealing, just scratching it is probably looking better and better. Plus, you'll have to introduce yourself to your neighbors when you're added to the *** offender registry, so that's probably a great way to make new friends!


Dear Swagvice,
There is this super cute girl, but she might not be that cute or a girl and we have a date on Friday. What do I do swaggie?? I don't wanna be gay, but I also don't wanna be rude you know?
Confused In Many Ways

Dear Confused,
This is a classic question with multiple solutions, depending on the details.

If the girl is actually just really ugly, but still a girl: Look, I know you know you're hot ****, but she's probably the best you're gonna be able to pull. Just marry her.

If the girl is actually a guy who looks like a girl, and you know this: just dress extra manly. Assless chaps, leather vest, chains and a police cap should do it. Your extra toughness will automatically make people see your girly man as more feminine, so no one will question what you're doing. In addition, you can make it well known that when you inevitably have *** with this man, at the very least, you're a power bottom.

If the girl is actually a manly girl, the solution is simple: become a girly man. You will counteract each other. Duh.

Hope this helps,