Am I guilty? Well, that depends on how you define 'guilt.' What does the word 'guilt' even mean? And if we can't decide what it means, can anyone truly be guilty? I rest my case!
This piece is based on an AskReddit thread. Link on the last page.
1. Argument from scratch.
Former assistant state attorney/prosecutor here.
This defendant is called up for arraignment and the judge is telling him that he's been charged with theft for stealing a roll of scratch lotto tickets from a gas station. The judge informs the defendant that since the value of the tickets was over $300 therefore it's a felony rather than a misdemeanor.
The defendant says to the judge "but your honor, to be fair, the tickets were all losers" implying it's not theft at all.
I was amazed at the ingeniousness and futility of the argument.
2. Don't quote me! I'm a liar.
We were in trial, and opposing counsel was objecting to a document I was trying to enter into evidence through one of their witnesses. The witness had identified it as one of their business records, but opposing counsel objects. Jury is in the courtroom, so the Judge has us approach.
We do, and opposing counsel argues the authenticity of the document. I was a little surprised. So my response was "Your Honor this is their exhibit. Is Counsel stating they submitted inauthentic documents to this Court?" Judge turns to counsel, "Are you submitting inauthentic documents?"
Opposing counsel stammers out a no and the document goes in. I was a little surprised they wanted to argue their own document wasn't authentic just to keep me from getting it to the jury.
3. Til meth do us part.
I'm a lawyer. The most ridiculous argument I've seen was one I actually made!
One of my clients got busted cooking meth. This was a very clear cut case, they actually caught him in the middle of a cook. No way he was getting out of this one. There was no bail and he was being held in the county jail.
My client knew he was screwed. But he had been planning to get married a few weeks after he got busted.
My client asks me if he can get released for 24 hours so he can still get married. (continued...)