One of the sweetest moments can be delivering the perfect comeback to an insult. There's no stuttering, perfect delivery, and best of all, the comeback completely shuts the other person down. It's always amazing when this happens, just ask these people.
People on Reddit share the greatest comeback to an insult they've ever heard. Content has been edited for clarity.
"My grandparents used to bicker. My grandmother generally came out on top, as she was fierier. One time though, she was asking him to do a bunch of stuff, and he muttered. 'If you'd lose some weight, you could do it yourself.'
She fixed her gaze on him, and glowered, 'I'm thinking of getting rid of about 200 lbs of useless fat immediately.'
He replied 'You're going to cut off your foot?'"
"One of the more memorable ones was back in 8th grade. For context, I didn’t make the basketball team 7th grade, but I made the team in 8th grade.
This kid that was on the team the previous year but didn’t make it currently was really upset, and telling me how bad I am. I asked him if he was better than me, then why didn’t he make the team the previous year?
He replied with, 'It’s just cause of my grades dude.'
So I replied with, 'Oh, so you’re just really stupid then?'
He gave up because it was either accept that he was bad or accept he was an idiot."
"I was 14 or 15 and had a quiet nerdy friend with terrible acne. My older brother had these three friends, all brothers, two, three, and four years older than my friend and me.
My friend walked and I in the front door one day while my brother and his friends were all sitting at the TV playing Halo.
One of the brothers looked at my friend and said, 'Holy cow Sam, I got two words for you: acne pads!'
Sam replied, 'Cool and I got two words for you Johnny: speech therapy.'
The guy had a pretty bad stutter. He jumped right up and started trying to fight my friend. As long as I could remember after that he wanted to fight Sam, but we just ignored them. It was such perfect delivery and shut down of a bully."
"I was a camp counselor for a few years at a summer camp. One day, my group took a hike to a large rock where we had lunch. My campers were between eight and ten years old.
This one kid we'll call 'Jeff' keeps poking another kid we'll call 'Matt' in my group to 'look at this hole in the rock, it's so cool, it's like six inches deep.' The other kid is clearly getting annoyed just trying to eat his lunch. He keeps shoving sticks into the hole and trying to get everybody to look at it.
Finally, Matt just puts down his sandwich, looks at Jeff, and goes 'I'll be six inches deep in your mom later if you don't shut up.'
I was trying so hard to be stern with this kid for saying something so inappropriate but I kept cracking up. It was just such a disproportionately ridiculous thing to say coming from a nine-year-old."
"I remember when I was in elementary school, two of my classmates were insulting each other back and forth one day during recess. Their argument was enough to attract a small crowd.
Nobody knows what they were arguing about, or why it started in the first place. The one thing everyone who saw that fight remembers is how it ended: one of the guys fighting gave this lovely comeback to the other, 'You are stupid enough to get hit by a parked car.'
There was utter silence since the other guy couldn't think of a comeback, and everyone watching was smitten with surprise."
"I was getting a lift from my boss one day when there was a bit of a road rage incident. The guy pulls out in front of us and my boss had to brake. He honks the horn at this guy leans out the window and calls my boss (who is a bit chunky) a fat guy.
My boss shouts out, 'I’m only fat because every time I sleep with your mother she bakes me a cake.'
The guy immediately gets red-faced and starts shouting uncontrollably as my boss floors it and leaves him fuming."
"I work at a hotel. A few years ago, this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something, but she wasn't getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of trash.
Our security officer replied immediately, 'No I'm not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity.'
At this time I was about to bust up laughing, so I had to excuse myself to the back office. As I was leaving, I heard him continuing on with this lady, deadpan, 'but I promise I eat a healthy diet full of fiber. It warms my heart to know you're concerned with me having regular bowel movements. So the next time I'm constipated I know you're thinking of me.'
It continued on and on, and all the more he's playing this deadpan and it's making the lady madder and madder, and I'm in the back laughing so hard I'm nearly crying.
After that spiel was over, she didn't give us any more problems for the rest of the night."
"I work in construction, and a lot of the guys are exactly what you would expect from construction workers. There was one particularly loud one on this job. He would always go on about drinking and how much he drinks and the ensuing consequences. He went so far as to say he's never sold a car; he wrecks them, usually while hammered driving.
I just recently purchased a house and another guy was asking me about it. The loud guy heard this and said, 'What the heck? I'm a journeyman and all I can afford is a basement suite in Langford (which is far away and considered sub optional). You're just an apprentice, how can you afford a house?'
And I just said, 'I don't have any drinking stories.'"
"I had this one teacher in high school who taught computer classes, and I had taken almost every class she offered so I knew her very well. We mostly just goofed off in her class as long as we got our work done. I was trying to date her daughter throughout all of high school. Everyone knew (including the teacher), and every time I met something up or made a fool of myself she would hit me with 'And that's why you don't have a girlfriend.'
This became a trend, and about four weeks after it was a thing she said it to me one last time.
After she said it, I hit her back with, 'That's why you can't keep a man.'
She had been through about five marriages and had one kid with each. Everyone knew because she talked about it before. As soon as I said that, she got red and chuckled. The whole class stopped what they were doing, and stared at me like I slapped her straight across the face.
One of the over-dramatic kids even ran out of the classroom hollering."
"When I was in high school, I had an ancient history class with a teacher named Mr. O'Neil. He was a really educated and well-spoken (but quiet) younger guy, a bit chubby with curly blond hair, and liked wearing bow ties.
In this same class was this kid named Jake, who was one of those kids that always acted like an idiot to every teacher in order to try and get a laugh. He was so annoying he actually had a stapler thrown at his direction by another teacher, which is a whole other story.
Anyway, I remember one day Mr. O'Neil was having trouble reaching the string to pull down the screen for the projector. He would make little jumps and swat at the string, but just barely couldn't get it.
Jake noticed and saw an opportunity so he yelled out, 'What's the matter Mr. O'Neil, can't reach?'
He and his buddies chuckled to themselves like a bunch of goons in the corner. Mr. O'Neil replied, 'No, Jake. I'm just getting my morning exercise,' and then he started touching his toes.
It wasn't the most clever comeback, but coming from a guy like Mr. O'Neil it was pretty hilarious. More importantly, it shut Jake up and a majority of the class started laughing at him. Mr. O'Neil became a bit of a hero for being the guy to shut down one of the annoying kids that would always disrupt class."
"My brother was in his history class that just happened to have accumulated all the really disruptive and not-so-intelligent kids. They'd constantly interrupt and make the class a nightmare, and the teacher didn't really do anything about it.
One day, a girl who had caused a ton of problems acted up in the usual way to derail the class and he had had enough. He turned to her and told her to shut up and she flipped. The teacher told her to be careful what she says to him because she might be working for him one day.
My brother turns to the teacher and goes, 'Nah, I don't plan on being a manager for ladies of the night.'
The class loses it, the teacher has to step out from laughing, and that girl apparently didn't bother my brother for the rest of the year."
"My parents are both deaf, so when they do speak they tend to sound different from what most people are used to. Back in high school, this one kid in my group of friends used to always make fun of my mom for that. He would mock and imitate her talking.
It was well known in our group that said kid's mom had actually passed away when he was younger. So one day around lunchtime he decides to make fun of my mother yet again.
In front of everyone, I responded with, 'Would you like to know what your mom sounds like? 5 seconds of silence That's because she's dead.'
Safe to say he shut the heck up after that and never made fun of my parents again."
"We were at a parent-teacher conference with our six-year-old daughter a few years ago. We had concerns about our daughter being bullied by another girl in class.
The teacher gave our daughter the classic 'Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you!' speech.
My daughter retorted that words actually hurt her very much.
Which her teacher replied, 'Well you need to grow thicker skin then.'
My daughter ended the conversation with a very gentle and concerning, 'Is that why your skin is so thin and scrunched because people said mean words to you and you couldn't grow anymore?'"
"I had a female co-worker that was like a 'Karen.' One time, she was screaming at a male co-worker and telling him how he 'sucks.' The guy was really smart and polite and not a 'Karen.'
He listened to her, and all he says back is 'Yeah....well you're ugly,' and he walks away like nothing happened.
She started to cry, and looks at me and says, 'He's so mean!'
I respond back with 'Him?!'
She and I had an altercation before because of how dramatic she was. I was surprised she even turned to me as she really was just a bad person. I rolled my eyes and laughed and walked away.
Three years later, I find out a friend of mine is working with her. She didn't know I knew her from the past. But I came into my friend's job and I see the 'Karen' and I tell my friend and she tells me how many people dislike her and how annoying she is. I guess that girl will never change."
"I manage a shop that sells loaded weapons.
A few years, I had this regular. Old guy, super into old western loaded weapons. Most especially, the 1851 Colt Navy.
One day he's standing there and this young kid walks up. The kid is in his early 20s, fresh-faced.
This old codger looks at him disdainfully, holds out the loaded weapon and says, 'I bet you don't know what this is, boy.'
This kid look at him, looks at the loaded weapon, leans a little to look at both sides of the loaded weapon pointed at him, and says 'That's an 1851 Colt Navy chambered in the original .36 caliber. That's what Wild Bill carried.'
The look on this old guys face.. best thing I have ever seen."
"I used to bartend while I was starting college. Everyone has seen the nursing shirts most colleges make for people choosing that major. The college I went to has these, but also decided to put out more majors. I was majoring in math and immediately bought one of the shirts.
It's common knowledge that regular customers can be a few sarcastic morons (in a loving way). One particular customer decided to give me some nonsense for wearing my community college mathematics t-shirt.
Customer: 'Why are you wearing that shirt, are you on the math team or something?'
Me: 'No, I'm just majoring in math so I got the shirt.'
Customer: 'Seems likes that shirt's a lie then. You shouldn't be wearing a math shirt unless you're on some sort of math team.'
Me: 'You wear a Steelers shirt in here all the time so does that mean you play for the Steelers?'
The only time this particular customer had nothing to say back."
"So it happened when one of my fellow employees (Jack) was bullying another (Morgan). It was the last day for our manager, she was quitting for another job, and we had a potluck to celebrate since she'd been there for a long time.
Anyway, Morgan (who was a bigger girl) was reaching for another cupcake when Jack decided to open his mouth and say, 'Are you sure you need one of those?'
He said it in a real condescending voice too. Poor Morgan looked like she was going to cry, so I glared at him and said 'It's okay Morgan, just ignore him. He obviously needs more food than you to feed his enormous ego.'
That got her to crack a smile, and of course, he backpedaled and tried to apologize in a pathetic way. Needless to say, he got trash duty that night."
"I worked retail for over 10 years in Texas (am a native Texan) at one point in my life for a large retail chain that exists all over the USA and Canada, and will always remember this occurrence. Of course in the retail world, you sadly get to experience the worst that humanity can dish out at times.
One day I was assigned as the manager for the 'front end' of the store; this covers the cash registers, customer service, etc. We were exceptionally busy on this weekend day during a peak time of year, and we had multiple call-outs sick so we were short-handed; customer service was completely slammed busy with many people in line. We had a policy to open a new register to help people when we had more than two people in line but we were maxed out manpower wise. As a result, the lines were long at the customer service/return/exchange counter.
Anyway, everyone was being patient and understanding as we kept apologizing for the wait. Around this time, an older woman walks into the store wearing what I can only describe as extremely-wealth-flaunting attire on. An over the top black jeweled dress, tons of jewelry, expensive shoes, an expensive purse, and an animal fur scarf wrapped around her neck. Mind you this is on a normal weekend day in Texas when it was 100°+ outside. You get the idea.
This person decides she is too good to wait in line and walks directly to the front of the line at the customer service counter. She wanted to special order something and couldn’t be bothered to use our website, insisting someone do it for her. At this time, the top-manager in the store at the time, the operations manager (just behind the store manager in terms of chain of command), was at the customer service desk to move some cash around between the registers as some were low on change-funds ($1s, coins, etc).
As many customers start to get angry, we very politely point out to this person that there is a line and she would need to wait as others were before her. We also apologized for the line and pointed out we were short-handed. To this, very rudely and bluntly, this woman states this exact-I-can-still-hear-it-in-my-mind line:
'EXCUSE ME?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?!'
As we stood there in a momentary stun, my operations manager calmly walks over to one of the phones and hits the intercom button. This is what allows people to talk over the speakers to the entire store to page people like you hear in grocery stores or the like. This manager picks up the phone and stated the following:
'Attention customers, we currently have a guest at the customer service counter who DOES NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS. If anyone in the store is able to help this woman or believes they may know who they are, please make your way to the customer service counter at your earliest convenience. Thank you and thanks for shopping here!'
After calmly hanging up the phone and smiling at this woman, reassuring her that we would help her as soon as we can, the entire group of customers at the front of the store began applauding. Some can be heard laughing a distance away that could see what was happening.
The woman turned solid Christmas-light red. Let out a very loud huff, and stomped out of the store without saying a word to thunderous applause from the remaining customers.
The OPs (operations) manager was a hero to many after that. They broke some rules so got in trouble later from corporate-level managers, who after a 'talk' proceeded to shake the manager’s hand and take them out to lunch.
Best comeback to a situation I heard in my retail tours of duty."
"I played basketball in junior high. We had a home game and both teams were being completely horrible to each other. Typical teenage cattiness and rivalry.
Before the game, my friend and I were walking to the bathroom. A girl from the opposing team purposely bumped my shoulder in the hallway as we walked by. I looked her dead in the eyes and said 'Watch where I'm going.'
My friend chuckled and the girl just kinda stared at me, confused.
Not the best comeback, at all, but it still surprises me how quick I was with that. I didn't even think about it, it just came out."
"I used to work nights alone at a Subway. I was pretty tired one night so my brain-to-mouth filter was on the fritz. A bunch of male teens come in and start mouthing each other off. I finally got their attention and asked what they'd like.
The biggest loudmouth looked at me and said, 'I'd like nine inches...'
My instant comeback was, 'So would we all, but that doesn't mean we get what we want, now does it?'
Mental facepalm on my part, but after he picked his jaw up off the floor and the others stopped laughing, their orders were filled and they left happy. I still snicker over this every once in a while."
"I trained this short, skinny...tiny guy, really. After he was fully trained he started telling me how to do my job. This went in for weeks with my responses being dismissive, like 'Do it how you want, as long as it gets the same result, but this is how I do it' type of thing.
One day, he starts yelling at me that I needed to listen to him and do what he says (I'm his supervisor). I'm tired of it at this point, so I took him up and down and say, 'Are you threatened by my masculinity? [I'm a tomboy] You're right, my southern region probably is bigger than your member.'
And walked on, continuing to work. The look on his face was priceless.
The kicker is that 20 minutes later he walked up and said 'I might not hit the bottom of a tuna can, but I bang the heck out of the sides.'
Me: 'So, it took you 20 minutes to come back with the fact that I'm right?'
Bonus: he had quit talking to me for a while, but one day I was horsing around with a co-worker, made a monkey noise, and he yells at me, 'Hey little girl, I hear you like climbing trees and swinging from vines.'
Me: 'Don't make me any offers, I have a habit of snapping twigs.'"
"My buddies sister (Bree) was a royal brat but she had the hots for me and would frequently try flirting with me. I was in a relationship at the time so I kept shooting her down, which only encouraged her to push harder. One night we were all out at dinner, and she asks to see a photo of my girlfriend, so I show her.
Bree: 'Meh I thought she'd be prettier.'
Me: 'She's got an amazing personality.'
Bree: 'So you're saying you don't think she's pretty either?'
Me: 'I'm saying that's why I'm not interested in you.'
Everyone died laughing and she turned red as a tomato! She quit hanging out with us after that thankfully."
"I was walking to work one day, and there was a lot of randoms downtown. One guy was by himself outside this retail store and kind of staring off, obviously distracted.
Nearby, in the general direction of this guy's stare, there was a mid-20's couple. The guy sitting with his girlfriend says, 'What the heck are you looking at?'
The guy kind of snaps out of it and looks at them, then says, 'I was just thinking. Do you know how they say dogs start to look like their owners? I was trying to figure out which one of you is the dog and which is the owner.'
I couldn't help but let out an 'Oh man.'
The rude guy in the couple flipped me and the other guy off, and that brilliant savage just started walking down the street. Never going to forget that."