10 True Stories From Hotel Concierges In Times Square. #6 Is Gold.

1. “They Sit. They Eat. They Smoke.”

OLD SPANISH WOMAN: The terrace is closed why?

CONCIERGE: Its open, actually!

OLD SPANISH WOMAN: I see the people out there. They sit. They eat. They smoke. These things I like to do. But me, I cannot go. Why is this?

CONCIERGE: The door is right there, ma’am.

OLD SPANISH WOMAN: For me, it does not work.

(As we speak, several people go through the door)

CONCIERGE: It isnt locked, you should be able to use it.

OLD SPANISH WOMAN: I cannot! I. Cannot.

CONCIERGE:Okay, let me take a look.

(I walk over with her. I grab the handle. I open the door. She throws her hands up and rolls her eyes.)

OLD SPANISH WOMAN: Now. Was that so hard for you to do?

CONCIERGE: (develops permanent headache)

2. “I’m Dreaming … Of Anything Besides This”

(Guest storms up and looks at my name tag.)

GUEST: So, youre Todd?

CONCIERGE: Yes, sir.

GUEST: Does this look like a white Christmas to you? It looks like its in the high 60s to me.

CONCIERGE: Yes, sir.

GUEST: Well, when we called up in July, you said that it snows in New York.

CONCIERGE: Well, it does snow in New York. Im not sure I recall

GUEST: When I called in July, you guaranteed a white Christmas because it snows in New York.

CONCIERGE: Oh, no. I would never do that. We havent had snow on Christmas for the past few years, so thats definitely not something Id say. Im sorry for any miscommunication.

GUEST: Well, you could have told me it would be this warm.

CONCIERGE: I think everyone from here is surprised too. I guess Global Warming has

GUEST: You dont have to blame politics for YOUR mistake.

3. “Blame It On Global Warming”

(Man in heavy coat approaches the desk.)

GUEST: This is ridiculous. Its almost 80 degrees out there.

CONCIERGE: Yes, sir.

GUEST: When I called you a month ago and asked about the weather you said it was cold.

CONCIERGE: A month ago it was cold, sir. Did you check any forecasts before you packed?

GUEST: Of course! I just said that I called you a month ago!

4. “Will They Give It Back To Me?”

GUEST: Do you have somewhere I can store my bag?

CONCIERGE: Absolutely. Across the lobby with the bellmen. Theyll store your bag for you.

GUEST: What do I do?

CONCIERGE: Just give them the bag.

GUEST: Oh. But Ill need it back. Will they give it back to me?

CONCIERGE: Just make it very clear that its not a gift, that youre just letting them borrow it and it should be ok.

5. “This Is Without A Doubt The Worse One So Far”

GUEST: Excuse me, do you know if in New York there is a, how to say, holocaust?

CONCIERGE: Im sorry?

GUEST: Holocaust.

CONCIERGE: Holocaust?

GUEST: Holocaust.

CONCIERGE: The Jewish History Museum is New York Citys Holocaust memorial. Its in lower Manhattan.

GUEST: There is a holocaust in Manhattan? This is good news! I am told there is no New York City holocaust except Coney Island.

CONCIERGE: (silent moment of deep confusion)

GUEST: How much cost?

CONCIERGE: Its $12 for adults.

GUEST: Ah. Is expensive?

CONCIERGE: For museums in New York, its low.

GUEST: Museum? No. No museum. Is, for fun. With children. (throws hands up) Weeee!!

CONCIERGE: What?!

GUEST: Holocaust.

CONCIERGE: Please stop saying holocaust.

CONCIERGE: (actually said) Im sorry??

GUEST: Holocausta. Holocaustar. Holocauster.

CONCIERGE: (smacks face) Roller coaster. Yes. Theres a roller coaster in Coney Island.

6. “A Mystery Is Solved”

GUEST: Your hotel is just awful. Awful. Every time we come here we have a bad experience.

CONCIERGE: (in his head) Then why do you come back?

GUEST: Last time a lamp fell on my head, and the time before that the housekeeper never even came to our room.

CONCIERGE: (in his head) Then why do you come back?

GUEST: I mean last night I went to take a bath, and Im looking around the bathroom thinking, This place needs a remodel! Its really one of the dirtier hotels Ive stayed at.

CONCIERGE: (in his head) Then why do you come back?

GUEST: I mean, we have stayed here 5 or 6 times now. We always come here for our anniversary, and its always so disappointing.

CONCIERGE: (in his head) Then why do you come back?

GUEST: Luckily, one of the managers just upgraded us to a suite. He always does when we complain.

CONCIERGE: (in his head) Oh. Thats why you come back.

7. “Some People Can’t Be Helped”

GUEST: Where can I buy subway tokens?

CONCIERGE: The subway now uses a MetroCard, which you can buy at machines right in the station.

GUEST: But where do we get the tokens?

CONCIERGE: There are no tokens anymore. Its now a swipe card system.

GUEST: I dont want a swipe card. I want tokens.

CONCIERGE: Like, as a souvenir or gift or something?

GUEST: What? No. To take the subway.

CONCIERGE: The subway no longer uses tokens. You can use a MetroCard.

GUEST: (shakes head) How many times do I have to tell you?! Tokens. To. Kens. Not MetroCard. Tokens. Where can I get TOKENS?!

(We look at each other.)

CONCIERGE: Right in the subway station.

GUEST: THANK you.

(Guest walks outside, hails a taxi.)

8. “If That Isn’t Love, I don’t Know What Is”

GUEST: What time is the shuttle?

GUESTS WIFE: To JFK.

CONCIERGE: The shuttles come around once every

(Guest begins picking his wifes nose. Both of them are maintaining eye contact with me. I pause. They dont. Hes picking her nose and theyre both looking at me. This should be gross. It is gross.)

CONCIERGE: Once an hour on the hour.

GUEST: Okay, we book later.

(They leave, holding hands. I feel very hopelessly alone.)

9. “Well Then.”

GUEST: Whats a good restaurant within two miles of Times Square?

CONCIERGE: Oh, theres lots! Anything in particular?

GUEST: A salad and a piece of fish.

CONCIERGE: Okay sure, was there a particular cuisine? Theres Italian, Greek, American

GUEST: (rolls eyes, takes a big step back) I dont care what country its from, as long as its a bowl of leaves and a dead fish on a plate.

#surelemmegrabitforyou

10. “Father Krampus”

(An irate Father approaches my desk. Two kids standing behind him are crying.)