Between road rage fits to wrongly sent texts these parents have a lot of explaining to do. In this piece, parents reveal the worst thing they've ever done in front of their teenage kid. Keep in mind, some stories may be graphic and all stories are edited for clarity.
Who Said Anything About Having A Filter?
“At a family BBQ, after food is all eaten and things wind down we’ll usually sit in the back yard for hours drinking, messing around and roasting each other while the kids play inside. It was the wife’s turn to be the designated driver, so I let loose.
My stepdaughter (13) came outside to tattle on one of the other kids, and after being told that nothing was wrong and quit trying to snitch for the sake of being a snitch, decided to start being a little brat and started trying to throw shade. ‘You’re a gross man and you smell bad!’ type stuff. Somewhere, a bit of brain that isn’t to its full capacity saw the response coming, and begs the rest of the brain to just stop. My brain that’s still in top roast form, disregards the suggestion and warms up the voice box: ‘Oh yeah? Well I porked your mom!’
You could hear the record scratch. Everything stopped dead for about 10 seconds. The kid’s face goes from arrogant little teenage sneer to slack jawed and dumbfounded as it starts to sink in. Then one person laughs. Then three. Then everyone, my sober wife included just lose her mind entirely. I’d just totally eviscerated my stepdaughter in front of everyone at the party and was so messed up I wasn’t totally sure why they were laughing because it wasn’t that funny. Kid turns beet red and ran back inside the house, and didn’t make so much as a peep for the rest of the night.
So yeah that’s probably a therapist bill I’m gonna have I pay sometime down the road, and she refused to talk to me for a week. The quietest week ever.”
Dreaming In The Midst Of A Gold Shower
“I have very vivid dreams sometimes. It’s always mundane stuff though. Going to the grocery store, mowing the lawn, going to the bathroom, stuff of that nature. Well one night I was having one of these dreams and I got up and started peeing in the laundry basket. My wife was yelling at me ‘what are you doing?’ At that point my daughter came out of her room and turned on the light. I woke up midstream and couldn’t stop. She flipped the light on and immediately off again.”
Kids Will Repeat Anything
“I was on holiday in a caravan in France, the kids (boys, 6 and 4) were asleep, I had a few drinks and started fooling around with the Mrs in our bedroom. She was going down on me, and she likes me giving her some dirty talk, so I said a few things while she was down there then we finished up and go to sleep.
Next day at the swimming pool my 6-year-old gets his 4-year-old brother an ice cream, he starts saying ‘yeah, you like that, go on rub it all over your face, you’re filthy, you love it’ while my 4-year-old is just munching his ice cream, dribbling it everywhere and saying ‘yes, I do love ice cream’.
My wife found it hilarious but I found it kinda disturbing. We didn’t fool around again until we went home. It felt like the walls had ears.”
Silly Prank Turned Smelly
“My husband used to fart on the kids. ‘Head farts’. The older two complained that he never pranked our youngest because she’s ‘the baby’. Well, one day he decided to give her a head fart too. He shouldn’t have trusted the fart. He was wearing shorts, thankfully. It still parted her hair. So now we have this joke that he pooped on our baby.”
Bump Bump Boom
“With our daughter away at college the wife and I would take advantage of many situations to do the bump-bump. One day I came home from work and I heard the shower running. I went into the bathroom and reached inside the shower curtain and pinched her butt. All of a sudden I hear this voice say, ‘what the heck dad?’ Apparently our daughter decided to come home for the weekend unannounced. I think I was more messed up over it than she was.”
Profanity At Its Finest
“My husband, my 13-year-old son, and I were watching the McGregor/Mayweather fight, and I managed to get sloppy after many drinks. It went from 0-100 real fast! I woke up the next morning, fully dressed in bed and feeling awful. Then my son wakes up and shows me videos he took of me the night before. Now, in my defense, he was antagonizing me for like an hour, and I finally had enough. In my disoriented stupor (which was clear by my slurred speech and staggering around the kitchen) I called him a crude name and flipped him off. And all this was caught on camera. I was mortified! He thought it was funny, but I still feel horrible about it to this day!”
Teen’s Prank Backfired
“I got caught playing with myself in the shower. I didn’t hear them come in, they threw open the shower curtain in attempts to throw a cold bucket of water on me. Couldn’t look them in the eye for a week.”
An Affair To Remember
“My ex-wife was having an affair (I did not know) and took my three sons to beach one day. There just ‘happened’ to be a guy there from her work. At one point one of my sons was standing off to the side and overheard my ex-wife say to her co-worker…’If you’re gonna stare at my butt don’t be doing it in front of the kids.’
My son came home and told me. She is now my ‘ex.'”
Buzzed and Ridiculous
“I went to my 12-year-old son’s end of season dinner for his sports team, just an informal get together at a local family pizza place on a Friday night.
One of the parents brought multiple cases of adult beverages with him (adult beverage salesman) and we all went a bit nuts. I don’t drink much these days so it hit me extra hard. Apparently when we were walking home I was hiding in the bushes then leaping out at random people pretending to be a Nosferatu type vampire and hissing at them. Hissing!
My poor kid was mortified. I’m a hobbit sized woman so the people passing weren’t scared by me, just bemused/annoyed.”
Don’t Play With Fire
“A few years ago, my wife and I both were enjoying our Saturday at home and because we had nothing planned for the day we decided to have a few drinks. My wife is a pretty good home bartender, and was making some pretty elaborate drinks, and as she needed different bottles she would request one of our three kids to go get them for us. Well, the kids starting getting competitive about it, they were all at the ages of 10 to 14, and were running to the cabinet where we kept the bottles and starting to get a little rough with each other.
I, trying to be a good father, and being pretty well tipsy by then, decided that we were probably teaching the kids a bad lesson here and needed to show them the dangers of drinking. So I gathered them around me in the kitchen next to the sink.
When I was a kid, being the little firebug that all teenage boys are, I would pour cologne out on a surface, light it on fire and then put it out with my hand. I did it literally hundreds of times.
So my thought was I would show them that it was so bad for you, that it was flammable, right? Why would a kid want to drink something that you could light on fire?
My cousin had recently given me a bottle of Everclear, without thinking about it I grabbed it and poured a little out on the counter (maybe a shot and a half). I proceeded to tell my kids about the dangers of it all(meanwhile they were about to see the real danger of it by their shirtless, tipsy, day drinking dad), I lit the Everclear on fire and said ‘see, this stuff actually will light on fire!’
I then put my hand down on the fire and tried to smother the flame. I lifted I hand and to my surprise, not only did the fire not go out… now my hand was on fire.
A person’s natural (or at least mine anyways) response to something on their hand that they do not want on their hand is to try wiping it off immediately. I did that, on my bare chest. So now my kitchen counter, my hand and half my chest is glowing with a blue flame. Yikes.
I quickly turn on the faucet I was next to, put out my hand, then splash water on my chest, then putting out the flame on the counter with a wash cloth. I look up to see all three of my kids and my wife, wide-eyed and jaws on the floor. I had succeeded in teaching them the dangers as well as succeeded in removing the hair from my right hand and half of my chest and turned my skin a nice shade of pink.
This was 8 to 10 years ago, I still hear once in a while from my kids ‘Remember that time dad set himself on fire?'”
The Vents Give Away Everything
“After my now-ex bought his new house, he and I got into the habit of fooling around on the couch in the basement rec room after his two young kids went to sleep. We weren’t loud, but we weren’t exactly quiet. Seems reckless, but the kids were on the second floor, and we had a smart house, so we would have known if the doors to either of their rooms opened. And the basement rec room was further away from their rooms then our bedroom. It seemed like the best way for us to get our jollies on during the nights when we had the kids.
About six months after we’ve moved into this house I was doing some chores while my boyfriend and his brother were in the basement on the couch just chatting. I went into his son’s room to put away some laundry and to my absolute horror I could hear every single word they were saying in the basement, amplified and clear as a bell, as if they were standing directly next to me. I could hear it when his brother took a sip of his coffee. Turns out the vent above the basement couch went straight to his son’s bedroom. And the vent was right next to his bed.
I never really wanted kids and just happened to fall in love with a man who had them. So nothing prepared me for having to explain to my partner that his 7-year-old son had likely been laying awake at night being repeatedly traumatized by the sounds of me sloppily sucking his dad’s junk.”
Don’t Read That Text!
“Friend of the parent: Before breakfast at the start of what was going to be a non-stop busy day he decided to shoot a foreplay text to his girlfriend about some kinky thing he was going to do to her that night.
At the table he decided to sneak it in while his daughters went into the kitchen to grab the food only he accidentally sent it to one of them. It notified on her phone as they were walking back to the table.
He said the girls sat, and the one asked why he just texted her. He said ‘hmm?’ – as he quizzically watched her eyes process what she read, look at him with betrayal, and then his heart slammed to a stop.
He realized what happened too late, or he said he would’ve dived across the table and knocked the phone out of her hand.
Cue a profuse apology and long address to many tearful questions about how daddy wasn’t lying that every man should respect women – it’s just that some women want to have certain things done and said when it’s only supposed to be a private matter between two consenting adults.
She now is over it, but from then on he went from being her hero, to just an any man.”
Learning The Wrong Way
“I was 15 and had just got my learners permit. My mom was having me drive pretty much all the time, so I could get as much experience as possible. Cue to leaving the eye doctor’s office after getting my eyes dilated and my mom hands me her keys to the family minivan and says, drive home. So I took the keys, started the car, and began to back out. I ended up turning a little too soon and scraped our front bumper along another car leaving a pretty big scratch on my mom’s van, as well as the sedan that was parked there. My mom just looked at it as I was frozen in the driver’s seat waiting to get reamed, and she looked at me said, ‘you’re paying to get my car fixed, but we have to get home to take your brother’s to practice, just go.’
So while I was learning how to drive, my mom basically told me to leave the scene of an accident. I didn’t even have my license, and I was already the fleeing suspect of a hit-and-run.
Luckily, my dad heard about that, drove to the doctor’s office and found out who the person was, then paid for the repairs. Mom, that’s not a good thing to be telling me to do.”
Welcome To The Family
“I was a college freshman and had come home for winter break and the boyfriend had just flown in to visit. He was going to meet my parents for the first time. I was out giving him a tour of my hometown when I got a call from my dad. All he said was ‘PUMPKIN, GET BACK THE HOUSE AND CHECK OUT THIS BIG FIRE I MADE!’ I drove us home after he spam called me four more times and kept yelling about how cool the fire was.
I rarely ever saw my dad drink when I was growing up. He’d been always hyper-responsible and straight-laced- he’s exactly like Hank Hill, except with a different Southern accent, and he’s a nerdy electrical engineer instead of a propane salesman.
I came home to find my dad and his brother black out, stumbling around a huge bonfire in the back yard looking for more sticks to throw in the pit, holding their own half-empty bottles, and wearing matching cowboy hats. I have no idea where they got the cowboy hats. My then-boyfriend introduced himself. And instead of asking him about how his flight was, how school is going, where we went that afternoon, or any of the normal pleasantries you’d ask your daughter’s boyfriend, my dad blurts out, ‘Have I ever told y’all about the one and only time I ever did snow?’ He launched into a story about how he did lines in a hot tub with the local weather lady at a community theater cast party in the 80s. Then he and my uncle spent hours telling us crazy stuff they did before my cousins and I were born. And then they called my future husband weak for not doing shots.”
Vacation Nightmare
“So imagine my dad, ex-soccer player, grew up skin and bones, now in his 50s at 5’8 rocking a solid dad bod. Now imagine my step mom, ex-cheerleader and sorority girl who still has her body in her 40s. Already a weird physical match. (They make a great couple, just weird to see).
Now imagine me growing up never really watching family drink. All my family loves to drink, but they’re very conservative with it. I had never really seen any of my family disoriented before.
So I’m probably like 16 and went on my first family vacation with the step families side. Who love to drink, a lot.
By the end of the first night I saw my step mom twerking on my dad while he had this ‘I really want to enjoy this but five of our kids are watching this right now’ look on his face. At the time I was scarred.”
No More Horsing Around
“I used to play ‘Battle Arena’ with my three kids, where we would all pile on to the bed. I’d pretend, badly, that they were beating me while they were imitating wrestling moves.
One day after a good session, I was doing my usual ending move which was me surrendering and giving one of the kids a hug, which I would turn into a bear hug and give them a good squeeze. Anyways, that day’s victim was my daughter. She knew what was coming and started squirming. I got a pretty good grip on her and as I worked my hands into a better position, one of my hands landed squarely on her new budding chest. She jumped up and said ‘No Daddy’ (at least we trained her well) and we awkwardly ended the session.
We played ‘Battle Arena’ a few more times, but I had to come up with a different ending.”
Watch Out For Pedestrians
“We were walking through the parking lot and it was bright out. I’ve got three girls, so I watch cars pretty carefully. I ushered my girls in front of me and started walking again and this car literally brushed the whole length of the car across my back and butt. I punched her car and screamed at her. She could have killed one of my kids and pretty obviously just quickly pulled out without looking. I then realized she was on her phone and I started swearing and yelling even more. She then sped out of the parking lot and I felt bad for setting a bad example for my kids, also my hand hurt from hitting her car.”
Shocked Into Embarrassment
“So my parents installed one of those electric dog lines to keep our dog from jumping the already existing fence. My dad also loved to drink.
So one night he throws a few back and holds the shocker part in his hand and walks by the fence. It shocks the shot out of him, he curses and drops it, and he walks away. After several drinks he decides to strap the shock collar to his neck and crawl on all 4s to the fence. I can still picture him collapsing, shaking and puking and peeing himself. His friends had to drag him away from the fence and my mom refused to take him to the hospital.
We all get good laughs out of it now, but after that incident our dog never wore the shock collar again.”
Ultimate Grocery Shopping Trip
“My brother was in his first semester at college. My dad went to the grocery store and was bringing my brother all kinds of food. He just grabbed all the bags from the trunk. So far uneventful. As my brother was unpacking, he found a plastic bag full of obscene videos. My brother being 18 and in college thought it was a weird but dad-is-trying -two-be-cool dad gift. He promptly distributed them throughout his dorm and floor. His friends did think he had a cool dad and my brother became pretty popular for his collection of videos. Probably like 10 VHS tapes. However, my dad did not intentionally give my brother those. Turns out my stepmom had borrowed the videos from a co-worker (I’m not even going to try to understand that situation) and put it in the trunk. She promptly forgot about it and that’s how it ended up mixed with the groceries. She asked my dad about bag of videos, and he had no idea what she was talking about. Then he remembered the groceries. He had to call my brother and ask for the tapes back. My brother told him most of it had been distributed and there was really no way of finding it. And my brother was not going to ask for his stepmom’s video collection back. I still crack up thinking about a bunch of college freshman thinking my brother had the coolest dad. We bring up this story time to time with the embarrassment of my stepmom.”
Road Rage Misconception
“My daughter recently started driving. One night we all went out at dinner; I’d left my car at the grocery store and had gone with/in my wife’s car, but daughter met up with us at the restaurant in her car. After dinner daughter gives me a lift back to my car, and we head home.
I’m following her, but there’s another car in front of me. After a bit, I notice that car keeps getting really close to her and starts flashing their brights. I assume this guy didn’t like that my daughter was driving the exact speed limit (irks me too, but whatever).
I’m pretty mad when they do it again, this time leaving on their brights as they nearly rear end my daughter. Commence operation crazy dad. I do the same thing to them, but I get way closer to them. I was maybe 2 inches from their car. I was so close and my lights were so bright, I could tell, the way the passenger whipped around, I’d gotten their attention, but my lights were washing out all recognizable facial features.
They slow down, a lot, and my daughter continues on unaware of what’s going on behind her. I slow down too, now that I’ve proved my point and the car in front of me eventually turns off a side road.”