A few months ago Redditor “awkwardurinalglance” attended a yoga glass with his girlfriend. He posted this reaction online:
“I decided to go to a yoga class. OK. Thats obviously a lie. MyGF talked me into it. She said something about how flexibility is a real turnon or people should be able to touch their toes without sweating and gargling,or some such malarkey. In reality, I think she just didnt want to go alone,and taking me meant that there was no possible way for her to be the worst onethere. And Im obviously too dumb to realize all of this because it all justnow occurred to me. Damn it.
Anyways, I went. When we arrived, I was the only dude there.Everyone else was in good shape, female, and wearing all of the yogaaccoutrements. Yoga pants, headbands, funky big shirts that still showed somepart of their athletic tops, and bare feet. Most of them were standing aroundon one foot with their other foot flamingoed to their knees. They were probablydrinking herbal tea and discussing their upcoming retreat to India. They wereall petite and graceful. And then there was me. I looked like a guy at apick-up basketball game that was about to get chosen last.
I walked over to the lady behind the computer to pay up. Thecomputer was playing soft world music. I paid my money, and was given a yogamat, a towel, a foam block, a nylon strap thingy, and a pillow. I was fairlyconfused by most of these items, but I couldnt help but be a little excited bythe pillow and the prospect of a nap.
When I walked in, nearly all of the spots were taken. There weretwo spots together in the far back corner next to the door and the fan. Perfectfor the old cool down and escape routine I was already planning in my head. Iput down my mat in its little pre-marked mat parking spot, and I flopped down. Ileft my brick, nylon strap, and pillow behind me. I kept my towel close by.
When the instructor came in and sat down, everyone got quiet.She spoke in a soft, pleasant voice. She used words like energy, spirit,awakening, inner, and good morning.
The first thing she had us do was make a surfer, hang loose handgesture and then hold our noses between our thumbs and pinkies. Then we were toalternate nostrils and take deep breaths in and out of one nostril thenplugging it and breathing in and out of the other one. Despite having a littlecramp in my hand, Id give myself a solid B+ for Nostril Plug Breathing Pose.
After making sure that we got all of the snot out of our noses(Im guessing thats what it was for) we were told to get on all fours. Once wewere all into Mount Me Pose we were to alternate between Cow Pose and Cat Pose.Cow Pose means you put your chest and belly down. Being of a certain body typeand having gravity on my side, this particular pose was no problem. Although,the term Cow Pose does seem a bit mean. Cat Pose is where you arch your backstraight up like a cat stretching in the morning sunlight. Alternating betweenthese two poses made me look like a giant, sweaty, dryheaving cat. Id givemyself a B- for Yaking Kitty Flow.
After Yaking Kitty Flow, we moved into Childs Pose. Havingtaught children for years now, Id say that this name is severely inaccurate.Childs Pose should either be having your hand out asking for candy, pointingacross the room because another kid did some stupid shit, or squirming aroundholding your crotch. This particular pose looked like a slave bowing to theirmasters in old films about Egypt. We were told that if we ever need to take abreak, or if anything becomes too tough then we could always revert back toEqyptian Slave Pose. This part worried me a bit since this pose wasntparticularly comfortable. You are supposed to have your arms stretched out infront of you praying to the sun-god, Ra, while also placing your ass on theheels of your feet. But for some reason when I try to sit on my heels, itslike I have a forcefield preventing me from going the rest of the way down.Apparently, my muscles are pretty stubborn. So, after the 4th attempt ofbouncing my ass at my heels and nearly rocketing forward head first into thelady in front of me, I just accepted my version of Egyptian Slave With a FloatyAss Pose.
Next, we did a Plank. This is the top of a push up that you justhold for about forever and a day. Once your arms start to tremble pretty hardthen you get to pick up one of your feet and point it straight up in the air atthe ceiling. This is pretty smart because then your body doesnt know whichpain to focus on, so you just hone in on not drooling all over yourself. Onceyou feel like jelly, you get to swing your leg thats supposed to be elegantlypositioned at 12 oclock, but in all actually is chillin more towards a shaky4-4:30, all the way up to you chest and place your foot in between your hands.Having lost all feeling in my leg, I let it swing freely. My knee struck me inthe chest and my foot landed on my hand, but my arms were thankful for theextra support of holding up my pudgy torso.
From here you get to stand up in Warrior 1 Pose. You pretty muchstand like Rafiki holding up Simba for all the animals in the Lion King to see.From there you do a little jig and change to Warrior 2 Pose. This one makes youlook like you are surfing a huge wave. You put both arms out and pop a superhard gangster lean to one side. Youll know you are doing it right when itfeels like your leg is being slowly sawed off at the hip joint. Your arms arealso supposed to be stretched out and strongly posed at 3 and 9 oclock. Butthat shit hurts. When was the last time you held your arms up longer than thefew seconds it takes to get something off of a high shelf or display yourenjoyment when going on a roller coaster? So, after every few seconds, I keptpretending like I had different itches all over so I could release the tensionfrom my arms. I also wondered how many people would notice if I just droppeddown to Egyptian Slave With a Floaty Ass Pose.
Then we cooled things down a bit. We laid down and juststretched our hand above our heads in the remotes behind me and I can almostget it pose. After this we were told to hug our knees and rock back and forth.This one was my favorite because after all this punishment, there wasntanything I wanted more than to get into the fetal position and rock back andforth.
Now that we were good and warmed up we started doing our VeniceSausage Flow (I may have misheard her). This is where you stand up. A+. Thenyou touch your toes (upper shins). C-. Then, you lumber down to a tremblyplank. D+. Then you do this sort of circular push up that ends with your headup and your bosom thrusted forward like The Little Mermaid coming out of theocean. It felt like a lap dance manuever. Then you stick your butt up in theair while on all fours, then sensually rise up. Then you just rinse and repeat.Ill be honest, I felt a bit like Magic Mike with a hard emphasis on the XL.
The next thing we did was cross our feet and and touch our toes(knees). At this point the GF assisted me by giving me my foam block. Iwouldve prefered it be about 2 feet taller, but it did help quite a bit. Thiswas the point that I started to notice how much I smelled. And despite beingsuper happy to be right in front of the fan, I also happened to realize that itwas doing very little to keep me cooler while simultaneously wafting my stenchthrough the whole studio. Being super nice yoga chics, they only gaggedslightly. If anything, itll prepare them for their Indian retreats.
After that we were told to get on our bellies. Aced that one.Then we were asked to bend our legs and grab our ankles from behind. In myyounger days, we called this a flying squirrel. We would do this off the divingboard all the time. Apparently, time has not been friendly to my joints. Try asI might, I was unable to grasp both of my ankles. I got one of them once, butthe little bastard slipped out of my sweaty hand as I lunged at the other one.This is when the instructor came over, grabbed my nylon strap, and put me intoSelf-Hogtie Pose. Fucking embarrassing. It was like sitting on an airplane,struggling to fasten your seat belt, and then having everyone watch as thestewardess brings your fat ass the seat belt extender. Since I was all tangledup, I was unable to just give up and enter Egyptian Slave With a Floaty AssPose. I just had to fight through the pain.
After that we were told to get the pillow out. Finally, naptime! But instead we were instructed to put it behind our butts and lift ourlegs straight up in the air. Determined not to get strapped up again, I fuckingkilled it. My legs were straight as arrows for like a minute. Lets be realthough, they would drop considerably whenever the instructor wasnt looking. Butthey were straight as shit when she was.
After a whopping 75 minutes of self-inflicted pain, we werefinally able to quit. At the end everyone was given time to sit quietly andreflect. At the end of self-reflection time, or as I like to call it, swearingthat Ill never fucking do this bullshit again time, everybody did an Asianhand clap motion and said the name of their favorite Indian restaurant. Itucked my tail firmly between my legs and got the fuck outta dodge. Yoga is notfor everybody.”