This piece is based on an AskReddit thread. Link on the last page.
1. Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
He was too far out, man.
alwaysanemergency
2. Mickey and Minnie Mouse went in to see a marriage counsellor. The therapist first met with each of them one-on-one, then brought them together for a joint session.
“Let me start by restating in a neutral, non-threatening way, the concerns each of you raised in your individual sessions. Mickey, Minnie says you are quick to anger, and suspicious of her friendships with other males. Minnie, Mickey is concerned about your mental health. He thinks you’re crazy.”
At this Mickey jumped in. “I never said she was crazy! I said she was f*****g Goofy!”
MorrowPlotting
3. Why did the partially blind man fall down a well?
He couldn’t see that well.
godisuckatnames
4. What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
ratwindmill
5. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. Bartender asks, “what can I get you guys”? First mathematician says “I’d like a pint of beer please.” The second one says “I just want a half pint.” The third one says “a quarter pint.” (continued…)
Read the punchline on the next page!
The bartender listens for a while and then stops them. He pours out two pints and says “you know, you guys really ought to know your limits.”
strictlyrude27
6. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “make me one with everything.”
The vendor gives him a hot dog and the Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill. After a moment of waiting, the Buddhist asks, “Where’s my change?” The vendor smiles and says, “Ahh, change must come from within.”
UnderlordZ
7. Two fish are in a tank. One looks to the other and says, “You man the guns, I’ll drive!”
Kaiserwillington
8. A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he’s really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!
The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That’ll be my in for a wonderful conversation!
Sure enough, the pope leans over and asks the man “do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?”
Oh no. The man is speechless. He sits there, terrified. The pope won’t speak to me this whole flight if I say what first came to mind… Then it hits him! “Aunt!” He says. “It’s aunt.”
The pope calmly nods. “Ah, of course,” he says. “Do you have an eraser?”
YaliWholeFace
9. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? (continued…)
Read the punchline on the next page!
He flushed.
_pakalolo_
10. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.
TheWayneTrain
11. A guy goes to the doctor about a rash he’s had for a while. The doctor finally enters the room and takes a look at the guy and says “Well sir, I’m going to have to advise you to stop masturbating.”
“Why’s that doc?” the guy asked.
And the doctor said, “So I can examine you.”
Flagrant_Repost
12. Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door, and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand.
The first leprechaun speaks: “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
“No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent.”
“And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?”
“No my son, I don’t believe there’s a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!”
The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts “AH TOL’ YOU YOU HAD SEX WITH A PENGUIN!
SgtKashim
13. A sailor sits down at the bar and orders a drink. He looks to his left and there’s a pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, and eye patch. The sailor asks how the leg was lost. “A gator ripped off me leg while burying gold in Florida.”
He asks next how he lost his hand. “A shark bit me hand off while I was throwing the gator into the sea.” Amazed at the pirate’s bravery, he asked how the man lost his eye. “A seagull crapped in me eye.” The sailor was shocked and asked, “a bird crapped in your eye and you lost it??” (continued…)
Read the punchline on the next page!
The pirate said, “it was my first day with the hook.”
Mimimimimini
14. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
Rockanddread
15. And the LORD said to John, “Come forth and recieve the Holy Spirit.
But John came in fifth and won a toaster.
TSalazar6706
16. Little Billy asks, “Mommy where do babies come from?” His mother replies, “the stork brings them”. Little Billy puzzled, asks So dad has sex with the stork?”
thestonez
17. A guy gets off work, and he’s had a fairly bad day, so he decides to go for a few drinks. Anyway, he heads to this bar that’s in a penthouse of a fairly nice apartment tower.
So he heads in, has a few drinks when a guy comes up to him. The man says “You’re not gonna believe this but the wind is just right today. You can jump out the window, and right before you hit the ground the wind current will bring you right back in!”
Well clearly the guy doesn’t believe him so he says, that’s impossible. You do it then. So the second man jumps out the window, and right before he’s about to hit the ground, sure enough, he flies back up and into the bar. The first man is amazed, and the second man says, “see, I wouldn’t lie to you. Try it!”
The first man is still a little on edge so he says to the second man “once more and I’ll try it. So just like before, he jumps out, gets close to the ground, and is flown back up into the bar. Well the first man is quite impressed. He says “alright I believe you, it’s my turn now. So the first man stands at the window, jumps from the ledge, and SPLAT. (continued…)
Keep reading on the next page!
The bartender looks to the second man and says “Superman, you’re a jerk when you’re drunk.”
mntwins7
18. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic.
mrmacdougall
19. A C, an E, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “Sorry, I don’t serve minors.”
PM_ME_UR_EGGS
20. A young monk arrives in a monastery where he is put to work as a copyist.
After a few days, he notices that the monks making copies of the scriptures are all working from copies — not the original. This alarms the young monk because he thinks of how easy it would be for mistakes to be repeated. And so he goes to the Head Monk and expresses his concerns.
“Yes, brother,” replies the Head Monk, “you have a valid point. But this is the way we’ve always done it. Still, I better check to make sure there are no errors.”
So off he goes to the cellar where he spends the entire night carefully consulting the original scriptures. In the morning all of the brothers go down to the cellar and find the Head Monk crying.
“What’s the matter?” they ask.
Between the loudest of sobs, he groans: “The word is celebrate!”
communist pony
21. What did the bra say to the hat? (continued…)
Read the punchline on the next page!
You go on ahead, I’ll give these two a lift.
ibgn
22. Some kids were discussing how they’d like to die: I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandmother did; not yelling and screaming like all the other passengers in her van.
bsd8andahalf_1
23. I bought my friend an elephant for his room,
He said: Thanks.
I said: Don’t mention it.
mrsuperx13
24. A bear is chasing a squirrel in the woods.
They cross a river when, all of a sudden, the river genie appears. Genie: “Well, shit. Two customers. I don’t know who triggered this whole thing, so lemme give you 3 wishes. Bear, you start, since you’re bigger.” Bear thinks for a moment. He smiles: “Ok, I want all the other bears in this forest to be females.” Genie grants the wish, turns to squirrel. Squirrel thinks. He looks up to the genie: “I want a motorcycle.”
Bear shakes his head: “Squirrel, you don’t know how to wish.” Genie then asked the bear for his second wish. Bear responds: “All right, I want all the other bears in the COUNTRY to be females.” Genie grants the wish.
Genie turns to squirrel: “How about it?” Squirrel responds: “Gimme a motorcycle helmet.”
Bear shakes his head again. “What’s wrong with you?” Genie then turns once more to bear and asked for final wish. “You know what? I want all the other bears in the WORLD to be female.” Genie grants the wish, then turns to squirrel.
Squirrel grabs his helmet, puts it on. He then walks to the motorcycle, gets on it. He starts it, runs the engine a little. As he rides away, not looking back, he yells: “I WISH THE BEAR WAS GAY!”
r00sevelt