I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Two whales are in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "OOOOAAAAHHHHOOOOHHHAAOO!"
The other whale turns to him and says, "Go home Steve, you're drunk!"
A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
Why can't you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?
They always take things literally.
I've taken up speed reading. I can read "War and Peace" in twenty seconds. It's only three words but it's a start.
Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "You know how to drive this thing?!"
What did the cowboy say at the German auto show?
-WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!?
-LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!!
-WHEN DO WE WANT 'EM?!?!?
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Two cows are in a field, one says "mooooo!", the other says "that's what I was going to say."
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
I went into a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is, I just want a goldfish."
What did they give the guy who invented the doorknocker?
A no-bell prize.
What is red and bad for your teeth?
A termite walks into the bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
What do you call a fake noodle?
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it...