1. Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul.
2. About the only thing that prevents some men from telling bare-faced lies is a moustache.
3. Doesn't it make you dizzy to waltz? Yes, but one must get used to it, you know. It's the way of the whirled.
4. "See here, wait, I've found a button in my salad." "That's all right, sir, it's part of the dressing."
5. Marriage is an institution intended to keep women out of mischief and get them into trouble.
6. Why are circus horses the slowest breed? Because they are taught horses.
7. Why is a married man like fire? Because he provokes his wife by going out at night.
8. Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is two gross.
9. Why is a dog like a tree? Because they both lose their bark once they're dead.
10. HE: "I am a millionaire. Haven't I got money enough for both of us?'"
SHE: "Yes, if you are moderate in your tastes."
11. WIFE: "You loved me before we were married!"
HUSBAND: "Well, now it's your turn!"
12. Pawnbrokers prefer customers without any redeeming qualities.
13. Moving in unfashionable circles: wearing a crinoline.
14. Why is a manuscript always called a MS.? Because that is the state in which the editor finds it.
15. If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven't got a notion.
16. A lady wrote the following letters at the bottom of her flour barrel: O I C U R M T.
17. Why is the devil riding a mouse like one and the same thing? Because it is synonymous.
18. "I have the best wife in the world," said the long-suffering husband. "She always strikes me with the soft end of the broom."
19. SERVANT: "Ma'am, your husband has eloped with the cook!"
WIFE: "Good! Now I can have the maid to myself, once in a while."
20. What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander.