This article is based on the AskReddit question:
"What was the most fucked up or embarrassing Christmas gift you ever received?"
[Source can be found at the end of the article]
1/30. My girlfriend's mom gave me a Christmas ornament. The ornament was two brass-colored objects, glued together, with a string attached to both of them. When you pulled the string taut, it looks like a penis and testicles. She told me this is because I have brass balls to ask her if I could take her daughter with me for a weekend trip alone.
Best part is, the family is Jewish. I love them, most of the time!
2/30. I had left some video games in my mom's room, she found them and assumed my dad had bought them as Christmas gifts for me. So for Christmas I got... my own games.
3/30. It was a shirt that had "I'm not a gynaecologist but I'll take a look anyway". It was from my stepdads mom. She knows I want to be a doctor and her English is no bueno. I found it hilarious. Once we translated it to her she almost cried from embarrassment. I proudly wore it for the rest of the day.
4/30. Christmas morning around the tree with my family and girlfriend at the time. We are all opening presents and I open one from my girlfriend. I unwrap the box and inside I find a flat billed baseball hat. Strange, I neither wear hats, nor care about the team whose logo was plastered on the front, let alone the sport. So, I pull it out and hold it up so everyone could see. All the adults give a quizzical look. Even my little sister makes a 'huh?' face.
You say, "But totes, maybe it was gift to a male friend. Are you *against your gf having male friends??" No, I am not. Just wait:
So I say something like, "uh thanks, hun." Her face drains of color. She says 'oops, that is for some one else, must have brought it inside on accident.' Then snatches it out of my hands.
And then I hold out the card that was attached to the wrapping: Hey baby, love ya lots. Merry Christmas.
And to clarify; yes, she was cheating. I guess there were tickets to some big upcoming game tucked inside the hat too. Needless to say it was fucking embarrassing to have to essentially break up with your girlfriend in front of your family on Christmas morning.
5/30. My cousin had died in a drunk driving accident a few months before, so my mom got me a breathalyzer keychain. It wouldn't have been so bad, but the card it came with said it was "from" my cousin.. I see what my mom was trying to do, but still messed up.
6/30. My litle brother was born with autism. My mom was denying it for a long time, up until he hit about three and it became so obvious she could not deny it anymore. It was a really touchy subject, though so no one in my family brought it up at all. My aunt from out of state came to visit and someone told her about my little brother so she hands my mom an Autism Speaks book. Everyone was silent while my aunt was beaming not realizing what just happened. So awkward.
7/30. Every year my family does a secret Santa on Christmas. When I was about 10 my aunt had to buy me a gift. So Christmas morning I open my gift, and i find a Christmas sweater along with a pair of my aunts stained underwear. Apparently she was doing laundry and wrapping gifts at the same time and got the two mixed up.
8/30. A week before I married my husband, his older sister got me a gift bag of lube.
...and I had to return it cause I checked the ingredients and was allergic to ALL of them. There was no moment in my life quite as embarrassing as having to return a full gift basket of like a dozen different types of sexual lubricant to the little old lady at Target.
9/30. My grandmother gave my boyfriend a coffee mug with a German Shepherd dog on it. He has never owned nor expressed any interest in German Shepherds.
He uses it at work. It's a great conversation starter.
"Oh do you have a German Shepherd?"
10/30. One Christmas I got 18 pairs of socks. I was probably 12 and I tried really hard to look grateful and thank my parents, but with each pair I opened I got progressively more upset. It didn't help my brother was tearing through his toys and video games. I ended up excusing myself to go to the bathroom and started crying. My mom came to get me and asked me what was wrong. She said to stop crying and come back to the living room. She then gave me my real gift a laptop. The reason I got socks was my mom just wanted me to have something to unwrap because my brother had a lot of cheaper stuff, where I had one bigger thing. I felt incredibly spoiled and embarrassed. Definitely a happy ending!
11/30. I was dating this girl. She knew I was self conscious about my teeth (I have fluorosis), so I wouldn't smile very much. When I did, I'd try really hard to hide my teeth. Well, this girl's family bought me a toothbrush. It even had my name on it.
12/30. I didn't see my grandpa THAT often as a kid. So whenever he bought presents for me and my brothers they were always the cliche, "terrible grandparents gifts."
One year, I remember he got me this INCREDIBLY freaky porcelain jester baby sitting cross-legged on a pillow. When you wound up the key on the back, it would slowly start spinning at the hips while playing a song from a tiny internal music box. It made the best torment fuel against my brothers for a long time though. So that was good.
13/30. I had mentioned to my uncle one year that I wished I could grow a beard like his. Come Christmas time my uncle hands me the present he got me. I unwrap it and what do you know...It's his beard in a Ziploc bag.
14/30. For me, my family was doing a Chinese gift exchange last year where you buy a random gift, and when everyone gets together you put your gifts in a circle and pull numbers out of a hat. This number determines what order you pick gifts in.
Anyhow, it was my turn to go. I picked up the one box that looked the most promising. I proceeded to shake the box very violently, only to hear * THUD * THUD * THUD * THUD * every time. The person who bought the gift started freaking out and told me to stop and open it. She bought a budgie bird and put it in there. So here I was, stuck with this brain damaged bird that I had to take home with me and was scarred for life from being in that box.
15/30. I don't know if it was Christmas, my birthday (2 weeks from Christmas) or just a random event, but one day my father gave me a gift. We were all at a restaurant celebrating something, my whole family plus my au pair (nanny), and I'm 13. My dad had just came back from Nicaragua for a Habitat for Humanity program. Apparently he was perusing the Catholic church scene and noticed a church was selling charms for different parts of the body that you want to be bettered, I suppose.
Here's where it gets good: He bought me a boob charm. Like- legit, a charm, sterling silver, that was a pair of boobs. When I'm 13. He presents this to me in front of the WHOLE TABLE with everyone there- no escaping this one.
16/30. My dad bought my mom an actual human skull for Christmas a few years back. He wrapped it in a box some toy came in. My parents are weird; this wouldn't have raised an eyebrow at my house. Unfortunately we did our gift exchange at my maternal grandmothers who is much less creative with gifts. My dad and brother waited for this to be the last gift given. It was a big presentation. Upon opening it my mom squealed and shoved it back in the box. She was excited but knew it would t go over well. Of course now everyone wants to know what is in the box. My grandma insists my mom take out the mysterious gift and show it to the room. My aunt started screaming, made her kids leave the room. My grandma almost fainted and told us to get it out of the house immediately. 'Twas hilarious.
17/30. My family christmas is full of this, its the goal of every year.A few years ago my Dad gave a box of condoms to my 15 year old cousin. His parents are very conservative Catholics and my cousin was absolutely mortified that he was opening up condoms in front of his parents.
Same cousin (now 20 years old and at college), received 2 brown paper bags from my brother. One said, "for those college nights" and the other, "for those lonely nights." College nights had 2 40 oz's, and a fake id. Lonely nights had a bottle of lotion, a box kleenex and a midget blow-up doll. Once again, dying of embarrassment after opening in front of the parents and Aunts and Uncles.
18/30. I was in the 2nd grade and we all had to bring one Christmas present. We sat in a circle and our teacher told us to pass around our Christmas presents while she played music and when she stopped the music the present we were holding would be the one we get to keep--kind of like musical chairs. Well i ended up getting a small package that ended up being a package of 4 ponytail holders. Just black plain ponytail bands...and we all had to hold up our gift and tell the class what we got.
19/30. When I was 8 I got a lighter from my grandmother...
I am not done yet.
On the lighter was a marijuana leaf and it said "Natures way of staying high"
My grandmother had thought it was a cartoon of a plant giving a high-five, and I thought it said "Natures way of saying high" with "high" as in "hi" with a plant hand.
20/30. When I was in high school, my Grandma kept hinting that she'd bought me the best Christmas present ever, but don't even bother trying to guess what it is, because I wouldn't get it in a million years. And sure enough, I couldn't figure out what it was, and eventually I forgot about it.
Christmas Day comes around and there's a bag all wrapped up with my name on it. The tag says it's from "Arrow" (my dog). Inside the bag was a matching candy g-string and bra.
Grandma was right. Never expected that in a million years.
21/30. My girlfriend at the time was a transwoman, and her family never really accepted her change, so one year her aunt, who particularly disagreed with her life decision, gifted her an electric beard trimmer in front of everyone; something she has absolutely no use for.
She turned it around, though. She said Ah, wonderful! Something to trim my bush!
22/30. Christmas when I was 4 1/2. My 3 teenage cousins had a really big box for me and as you can imagine, I was SUPER excited. So they had me open the present in front of the whole family. I tore off the paper and ripped open the box...and it's full of newspapers...what? My cousin reaches in and pulls out a pair of cardboard donkey ears and puts them on my head and everyone starts laughing at the joke but I thought they were laughing at me! I was so confused and humiliated that I started crying in front of everyone, so my cousins panicked and pulled another box from under all the newspapers...and it was full of silk undies for me. Cue even more embarrassment and crying. I didn't forgive them for a long time and they were grounded for going too far with a 4 year old.
23/30. I once got a framed and deliberately posed picture of myself that I have no recollection of ever being taken.
24/30. Not me, but about my brother. In high school he was caught sleeping over at a girl's house and didn't grab all of his clothes before he left. My parents were really upset with him for this. They contacted the girl's family, wrapped them up in a huge box and gave it to him.
The look on his face was a painful mix of shame, anger, and sadness.
25/30. My aunt gave me a barbie doll when I was about 7. I'm a guy. I still remember the sound of the room when I tore the paper off it. That hasn't stuck with me at all.
26/30. My uncle got me a giant block of cement once. He put random things throughout the block and gave me a miniature hammer and chisel. I actually chiseled through the whole thing and found some coins and what appeared to be a arrowhead. My uncle is the strange one in our family.
27/30. Not me but my sister in law.
A little back story. My sister in law and I have been friends for 11 years. She started dating my brother about 1.5 years later. So she has a lot of history with my family. Another thing to note is that my adoptive mom and I had a falling our years ago. We no longer talked due to her being a horrible person.
My sister in law does not like my adoptive mom. She only pretends to get along with her to make my brother happy. So one year my adoptive mom decides to get a personal vibrator for my SIL. Also comes with some personal lube. ( my SIL is Puerto Rican, former Catholic, which means that she is kind of conservative). She also decided to give her a self help book on how to make her a "better" person. What's messed up is that she is absolutely horrible, while my SIL is pretty amazing.
She only got those gifts so she could embarres my SIL, and to create rift between my brother and SIL. That way she could say that she was trying to be friendly, but that my SIL just didn't appreciate her or her gifts....my adoptive mom is a bitch.
28/30. I was not the recipient of this gift but my uncle, who had 6 children at the time, was given a very large box of condoms from my aunt (his sister). My cousins were not impressed.
29/30. This wasn't my gift, but it was the most awkward situation ever. So a few years ago my grandma had her legs amputated. Don't feel bad, since then, her health has improved a ton. Anyway, last Christmas my Aunt bought her socks. It was so awful.
30/30. My wife's grandmother is a complete narcissist, and one year she gave everybody in her family, including kids under the age of 10, handmade tree ornaments with a picture of herself in the middle. This was so "no one would forget their grandmother at Christmas." It's been 20 years, but I still make my wife hang it since I find it hilarious. Never in my life have I seen a single object capture the whole of someone's personality so completely. It's like we own her grandmother's soul.
[Image credit: Gildmai / Bingbois.net]