From calling in sick to work with two separate excuses, to believing chocolate truffles are mushrooms, people share the moment they realized that they were dating an idiot.
[Source can be found at the end of the article]
Denim comes from cows?
My ex-boyfriend saw a very large lady wearing double denim, then turned to me and said “wow, how many cows died for her outfit?!” At first, I laughed then realized he wasn’t really joking and after probing, genuinely believed that denim came from cows. It was the beginning of the end really…
A fish isn’t an animal…
I was a vegetarian when we were dating. Pretty early on he asked if I ate fish. I said no, I don’t eat any animals. To which he replied “a fish isn’t an animal, it’s a mammal.” I didn’t even know what to say, I just walked out of the room.
Every time I went to her house, there were small brown/melted “V” shapes in the carpet. I always wondered what they were…
Then one day, I went over one time and saw her hair straightener lying on the carpet. She left it on ALL THE TIME, and would just go to work. Like… how have you not burned your apartment complex down yet?
He tried to tell me that an oxymoron was a cleaning solution.
He called in “sick” to work and left a message on their answering machine saying he couldn’t come in because he wasn’t feeling well. Half an hour later he thought up a “better” excuse, and then proceeded to call back and tell the woman that answered that he couldn’t come in because his car had broken down.
She (perhaps unsurprisingly to the rest of us) responded with “I thought you were sick?” Hearing him try to come up with a story in which he was sick AND also had a broken down car was simply hilarious.
The moving van
When he nodded and said yes as the moving van rental guy explained the height of the truck and what clearance was needed… then half an hour later, he drove it into the parking garage at our apartment complex and ran it into a low beam, smashing the top of the truck.
Then he claimed he hadn’t been warned about low clearances and I was making up/imagining the entire prior conversation.
Then he drove said moving truck at 80 mph on a speed-trapped highway. Trooper ticketed him, said he wasn’t ticketing me because I really had no choice but to try to keep up with him.
The relationship didn’t last a whole lot longer.
The scary music
Picture this, High School 1980-ish. Boyfriend and I went to see Friday the 13th movie. I would hide my eyes when the scary music started. Turns out I am not a fan of horror for sake of blood. After the movie, my boyfriend was pissed at me and accused me of seeing the movie before. He thought that that was why I knew something scary was coming up. It couldn’t have been the formula scary music. That moment I decided to go to college and not marry my high school sweetheart.
Not finding a parking spot
When we didn’t go to the museum I wanted to because he couldn’t find the parking garage. We literally drove around the museum and parking garage three times. He couldn’t figure out how to get inside to park so he got back on the interstate and we went home.
This was on Valentine’s Day.
Not letting this one pour back out!
My boyfriend and I went to a sexual health clinic together. I got a DepoProvera injection, and he became so concerned it would “pour back out” that he held his finger to my arm. The nurse just stared at him, then shook her head. He was very concerned afterward that I didn’t “get enough of it”.
Not the rings, but the flies
Told her I was excited to see a movie coming out soon. Lord of the rings. She told me that it was her favorite book. How likely is it to find a 9/10 who is into books?
Went to the theater. You know how the movie begins? Telling the story about the rings and all. Sometime around Rivendell she turns to me and asks when the kids get to the island. Asks me when does the plane crash.
She sat through around an hour of Gandalf, Gollum and Hobbits before asking when does Lord of the Rings become Lord of the Flies.
The birds and the… what?
I dated one. We’ll call her ‘A’.
She thought pizza was an animal. No, seriously. she thought there were pizza hunters.
She liked to pick up cigarette butts off the ground and pretend to smoke them in front of passing by cars.
She thought Tylenol and crack were close enough to be the same drug. And would tell everyone she had to take crack pills for her headaches
Thought resident evil games were based on real life events.
Thought the thing that caused our break up was when she called me, crying, sobbing, screaming that she was pregnant with another guy’s kid. Turns out she thought making out got you pregnant.
Driving on the wrong side of the road
When I was trying to teach her how to drive. She hops into the drivers seat and immediately starts driving down the road on the wrong side of the road insisting that I was wrong. She was 17 at the time. I reached over and turned the ignition off, pulled the keys out and jerked the emergency brake. I screamed get out of my car. It took 2 days and several of her friends to convince her that she was wrong. I’m not kidding. Dead serious. This was 31 years ago. My wife, nosy person that she is, looked her up on Facebook. She has had a terrible life.
No black eyelashes
I dated a guy for months, we went swimming once so I took off my makeup. This fool says to me “wait, your eyelashes aren’t black?” I am a redhead. Leaning toward strawberry blonde. I was speechless.
No folding clothes and no washing silverware
Does married to one count?
I was 12 weeks pregnant, working two jobs with a schedule of 5 days a week 6am-8:30pm, one day 6am-2pm and one day 2pm-8:30pm. He had one job and worked from 6am-3:30pm, 5 days a week. He played video games the rest of the time. I still had to clean the house.
I asked him to take my clean work shirts out of the dryer and fold them because I needed them for the next day. Next day I can’t find them. Not in the dryer, not in the dresser, they just disappeared. Finally after tearing apart the house, I find them in the bottom of a basket of dirty clothes by the washer and dryer. He had taken all the dirty clothes out of the basket, took my shirts out of the dryer, put them in the bottom of the basket and put the dirty clothes back in. Simply because he didn’t want to fold them. There were 5 work shirts in that dryer. I bet it took him longer to do that then to just fold the shirts.
I later found out he was throwing my nice silverware away because he didn’t want to wash them.
What is embroidery?
We went to a hat store in the mall since he wanted to get hats for his baseball team he was starting and when the salesman told him the price for the embroidery he was so confused and kept asking him how much to get the design on the hat done. He didn’t know what embroidery meant.
Buying an island in the middle of a river and other nonsense
Ex-boyfriend was either an idiot or a pathological liar.
-Believed if a road, like US I-95, physically went north-south-north, the name of the road changed from I-95N, to I-95S, then back to I-95N all on the same stretch of road.
-He claimed he was going to buy an island in the middle of a local river, even though the majority of the islands were so small that they would sometimes disappear/appear/move whenever it flooded
-He claimed to take a sleep study that showed he only needed 2 hours of sleep at night, unlike most people who need 8
-He claimed it was illegal to have speed limits less than 35 mph.
-He claimed his Mercury Cougar was a Jaguar.
He said other stuff, but those were some of his main beliefs. I dated him for way too long.
Chocolate truffles are mushrooms
He thought that chocolate truffles were mushrooms covered in chocolate. He thought all waffles were made of potatoes, therefore any sweet toppings on a waffle were revolting. He spelled “performance” as “performance” consistently, including on job applications, and when I corrected him, he wouldn’t speak to me for the rest of the day. Normal stuff, really, I’m sure we’d have worked out fine if he wasn’t a jerk as well…
We had an incident where the condom broke and I right away suggest we go buy a plan B pill. He immediately says “let me ask my boss first. He knows a lot about women’s bodies.”
Yes, a 32 year-old single male manager of home depot knows more about my own reproduction system/ than I do.
Dumped him a month later.
On our first date we went out for supper. We decided on one place but then he encouraged me to go to a different restaurant when he picked me up. We got there and an older woman sitting two tables from us, kept looking over. It was weird. When I pointed her out the first time, he dismissed it. But after she started making a racket, clanging her dishes and cutlery against her table, he couldn’t ignore it. He finally told me he knew her. IT WAS HIS MOTHER. Turns out she wanted to check me out and that’s why we didn’t go to the place we had originally decided on. I didn’t accept a second date.
That’s not sex
We (mid 20’s) were naked kissing and cuddling. When we stopped for a break, he said “so, that’s sex. It was good.” I thought he was joking, so I laughed. It took a few minutes to clear it up.
The kicker: he ran around work telling people we had sex.
Okay, was long distance dating this guy (he actually helped me figure out how seriously gay for the ladies I was) and I used to call him every night. Well that day I had some serious pain and went to the hospital. Found out I might have something wrong with my ovaries, like an intestine wrapped over the Fallopian tube or something. Well, I had never had sex or anything, so an inner ultrasound was super painful for me. I got home and when I called him expecting a little sympathy, he sounded upset and legit asked me, “did you orgasm?”
Dodged a bullet on that one
We were on a family vacation in the mountains with my parents, my brother and his girlfriend. We all decided to play the card game “phase 10” It’s an extremely simple game. You basically have a card right in front of you telling you what hand you need to move on to the next level (ex. 2 pair one run of 3) he literally could not understand it.
We tried for a good 30 minutes to explain we even went around and showed him how to either pull a card from the deck or discard pile then discard something you don’t need. We had to stop playing and do something different because he couldn’ t figure it out. We were not drinking.
I remember my mom pulling me aside the next day saying “honey… Are you sure you want to be with this guy? He might not have a bright future”. It was true. We’re 27 now and he works the same minimum wage job he had when we were 20 and never got his GED.
Repeating the same thing and expecting different results
When he kept doing the same old thing just to keep getting the same results. For example, he kept losing jobs because he kept getting into arguments with customers and staff. In 6 months, he lost 3 jobs. That’s an indication of something being wrong. However, he wouldn’t try figure out the problem. He just kept getting hired, working a couple months, losing his temper, getting fired and repeat.
When gas prices were really high she forwarded me this e-mail about how if everyone didn’t buy gas on a certain day of the week it would force oil companies to lower their gas prices and increase production, or something like that. I tried explaining to her it would literally make no difference because on the following day everyone would buy slightly more gas and the net gas usage would remain the same. She wasn’t having it.
This break up reason
My first boyfriend broke up with me, because I refused to believe that he was a secret dormant super hero; who would one day be called upon by the government, to save the world from some unnamed terrorists.
How pickles grow
He didn’t know pickles don’t grow out of the ground as pickles. After explaining the whole pickled cucumber situation, he actually didn’t believe me at first. We’re married, and he’s never going to live it down.
Alaska is like Hawaii …
My girlfriend thought Alaska was an island because on maps of the United States it’s always sitting in its own boxed off section in the corner (because it is connected to Canada not the US) and she thought it was like Hawaii.
We were driving around this weird part of Las Vegas and I said, “This is surreal.” He said, ” I know. It’s so real.” I repeated, “Surreal” and he repeated, “So. Real.”
The west coast
I was riding the bus to school with my girlfriend when I made some reference to us living on the west coast. She then began to correct me and say we live on the east coast. This argument continued for 15 minutes on the bus and people looked at her like she had lost her mind. It wasn’t till later she found out we live on the west coast. We live in California.
He thought procrastination meant overthinking. Disillusioned meant one didn’t have enough light to see. Disenchanted meant one had stopped chanting.
The list goes on and on. The funniest part is he couldn’t understand why we had so much miscommunication.
That’s not how mosquito repellent works…
When I had to explain that you spray mosquito repellent on YOURSELF, not in the air at the mosquitos.
Blaming the loan company
I said I had $20,000 in student loan debt. He said he had something like $20,000, too. He then changed his answer to $40,000. Then thought about it and didn’t know. I pressured him to actually figure it out. Turns out, he owed $120,000 in student loans. He blamed the loan company for not telling him how much he was taking out. I pointed out that the information was on the forms he signed every year. He said that it was unrealistic for them to make him read all of that information.
My favorite part is that his degree is in communication.
He made fun of the way I pronounced filet. He even tried to get the waiter on his side. “Can you believe this? Hahaha! She wants the ‘fill-ayyyy!”
He wouldn’t shut up about it. I tried to explain that, “It’s French, the -et sound is pronounced ‘ay'” but he wasn’t having it. Kept going on and on about how stupid I must be until he dropped me off at home. I told him we were done the next day.