Ah, the infamous "
I was in active labor, pushing a tiny human being from my body, when a well-meaning medical student asked me if I had any history of sexual activity.
_**_Paramedic here. I once asked a 20-year-old female with abdominal pain:
ME:”Are you sexually active?”
ME: “Any chance you’re pregnant?”
HER: “Absolutely not, I could never be pregnant.”
ME: “Not all birth control is 100% effective.”
HER: Mine is.
ME: “What kind of birth control is it?”
My friend answered his doctor once by simply saying, “I go to an engineering school.”
I had my family GP ask me (about 16) if I was sexually active while in the middle of giving me a testicular exam. I responded with ‘depends, does this count?’
He laughed really hard, my balls still in hand. He finished up, went outside, and I immediately heard him telling all of the nurses.
Ex girlfriend got sprained ankle playing soccer, got asked if she was sexually active at hospital, except she didn’t hear the ‘sexually’ part, so she thought she was asked ‘are you active?’ She answered, ‘of course I’m active, how do you think I hurt my ankle?’
Don’t tell my spouse
I worked in a medical call center and had to survey patients taking certain drugs. We asked if they were sexually active (company was worried about libido-inhibiting side effects).
Best answer I heard was, “Yes, but don’t tell my spouse.”
Eyes on the road
“I literally got road head on the way here.”
Took care of a post-op patient who had stuck dried kidney beans up his urethra because they felt good when they swelled up. Could usually pee them out but this time they got stuck. Had to have them surgically removed.
I’m a doctor. Back in medical school, I asked for the detailed sexual history of an elderly woman. Her husband and my attending were also in the exam room at the time. My attending had known them for the past 15 years and this couple had been married for 50.
After my attendant stopped mocking me for “asking about all that crazy stuff – I’ve known Mr. and Mrs. X for years!” the patient proceeded to tell me that she and her husband were swingers and she had multiple male and female partners into her 70s. I wish I could have taken a picture of his face at that moment and hung it on my wall forever.
While doing medical audits for a high school wrestling team, I had to ask a kid, “Have you had more than 1 sexual partner?”
He responded: “… yeah. Twice… Wait, you meant at the same time, right?”
I had to resist the urge to high-five.
“Please don’t kill me”
I signed in a sixteen-year-old girl who told the doctor, “I can’t be in labor-I’ve never had sex,” as she gives her dad a “please don’t kill me” look. Ah, family moments.
How about toys?
A woman came in with inflammation of the vulva and when I asked about her sexual history, she asked, “Do sex toys count?”
A young girl once told me that she’s not currently sexually active, because the last time she had sex was the day before.
One of my classmates was asking a 75-year-old woman with dementia about her occupation for a PT exam. Her response:
“I give blowjobs in my garage to afford my sweet ride.”
When I was thirteen, I responded “yes” when the nurse asked me if I was sexually active. She then asked when was the last time I had sex to which I uncomfortably answered that I have never had sex. I thought masturbation counted.
“Sexual history? No, I’m more of a sexual folklore.”
When I would donate plasma, one question was, “Have you ever had sex in exchange for money or drugs?” I replied, “No just, attention.” The nurse laughed so hard she had to excuse herself for a minute or two.
Not a nurse but a former phlebotomist/health historian for the largest blood collection organization. One of donors was an older lady. Maybe early 70’s. There were 5-10 sexual history questions in a row. In the middle of them she blurts out, “Honey, I’ve been dried up for years. Nobody has been diggin’ in this for a long time.”
Not Active Exactly
**“Are you sexually active?”
*runs tests *
“You’re pregnant. Why did you say you’re not sexually active?”
“What? I’m not active – I just lay there! You can’t get pregnant unless you’re active, right!?
Not a nurse but the best response I’ve heard to this question was from a quiet guy in my freshman college English class. Somehow our discussion on vaccines led to this topic and he told a story about his doctor asking if he was sexually active. His perfect response was, “Bro, I’m not even socially active.”
My favorite was this young guy, maybe in his twenties, comes in and on the form he circled the “sexual history” part drew an arrow to the back. Then on the back it read, “It all began back in the eighth grade with Stacy…” He continued to fill up half the page with his sexual history.
I’m pretty sure he did it only because he had to wait so long.
Navy Hospital Corpsman here. After my ship pulled into Cyprus for a 3 day liberty port, I had a line of about 10 people deep of sailors and marines in medical looking to see the doc. The first two presented with the same discharge and swelling and stuff (turned out to be a rather nasty clap/chlamydia combo) and when I dove deeper I found out they went to the same brothel.
A little deeper and found they even saw the same girl. So 4 people in, same deal. When the next one walked in all I asked, with raised eyebrows, was, “Selina?” And with a subtle and ashamed nod they sat on the table ready for the dreaded bore punch. 5/9 people I treated that day went to the same lady.
I told my doctor back in high school that I wasn’t sexually active and she said, “And you go to __ High School? I should play the lottery!”
I worked in a fertility clinic. We had a young couple who came to the clinic to get pregnant. We could not find a cause for their infertility. The nurse saw them first and came out with an odd look. She said, “Just trust me on this, but you need to go tell them about the birds and the bees.”
I was all WTF and she said, “It’s just a gut feeling I have”. So I did. I prefaced my talk by saying, “I’m going to tell you some information. Please save your questions till I’m done”. Then I gave them detailed and explicit instructions on what they needed to do to do it. Both looked shocked at first, then deeply embarrassed. Neither met my eye and both left the clinic without another word. Next visit: pregnant. I do not know what they were doing to this day but all’s well that ends well.
From my time as an Army medic in Germany, circa 2003.
Had a guy call in sick with “personal” filled out on his slip. Ninety-nine percent of the time, this means STD or something wrong with the reproductive bits.
I was the fortunate one to pull his chart for screening. I got him into the exam room, got him to verbalize exactly what “personal” reason he was in the aid station for. It was sores on his penis. Ok.
I start prepping the culture swab, and continue getting the history. How long he had the sores, when he last had sex, any burning or irritation while urinating. “A few days, never, and no.”
Wait, you haven’t had sex? What about sexual contact, including oral, anal, or genital on genital? “I’m a virgin. I’ve never been with anyone else”.
What the f*ck are the sores from? “I’ve been masturbating a bunch.”. How much? “Eight times a day.”
Our PA ended up sending him back with a profile to his chain of command prohibiting masturbation more than once a day.
_**_I gave a new gyno one of her favorite responses to ‘Currently sexually active?’ I had recently started seeing someone so we weren’t quite there yet. So I said ‘Outlook favorable.’
For the kid
My wife was working her OB/GYN rotation when a pregnant woman, who already had three kids and a master’s degree in something, quietly asked the doctor after her husband had left: ‘Dr. my husband tells me that when we’re, y’know, intimate, that he’s feeding the baby. I feel stupid for asking, but is that true?’
The doc must have really ruined that husband’s life. I just imagine the husband using this line: ‘Well, honey, I don’t wanna do it anymore than you do, but we gotta feed that baby.’
As a student, I was working in a rural underserved community hospital and had a 13 year old patient come in with her mom for ‘vaginal smell’ which she said people noticed at school. I then preceded to ask about sexual history (patient gave me permission to ask in front of parent). I asked if she was sexually active and she said ‘no.. well with my hair brush.’
Mom seemed to have been well aware of this and then began describing her daughter’s vaginal smell as well as discharge in great detail.
I was a medical assistant working for a dermatology office. A 65-year-old man came in with an abundance of genital warts and said, “I kept sleeping with that same dirty woman. That’s why I got these things.
My friend called a nurse hotline because she was having horrible, horrible menstrual cramps.
‘You must be having a miscarriage,’ they said.
‘I really don’t think so.’ she replied.
‘Are you sexually active?’ they asked.
‘Yes, yes I am.’ she said.
‘Well, then you are obviously having a miscarriage.’ they insisted.
‘I’m a lesbian.’ replied my friend.
‘Oh. Well. Would you like to speak to one of our LGBT staff?’
When I was 11 or 12 years old, I had broken my foot in a way that needed a minor surgery, so my cute twenty-something nurse was asking me the pre questions with my dad. When she got to the personal part, she asked if I wanted my dad to leave the room, I said no because whatever. When she asked if I was sexually active, I turned to my dad and said in a loud whisper “I want her to think I’m cool.”
I was working at a public urgent care clinic in a lower income area and had a guy tell me he had a vacation in the Philippines that was basically a sex vacation with male prostitutes.
His main issue was that since then he had experienced a ‘tickling’ sensation in his butt.
Sure enough, he said that he read it could be pinworm which can be diagnosed by placing a piece of scotch tape on the anus and seeing what sticks to it.
Guess what happened next? He pulled the tape out of his pocket and there were dead worms and ‘stuff’ on it. That was a horrible but memorable patient encounter.
Not in about 12 years
Medical school in Philadelphia. I was in surgery clinic and going through the ‘review of systems’ and like any good med student covering every system possible as I was seeing this 72 year old guy. ‘Any discharge from your penis sir?’ With a smile, he exclaims ‘Not in about 12 years!’ Took me half a second then I cracked up and said, ‘not that kind sir, but you’re hilarious.’
‘Encyclopedic’ was the reluctant response a nurse friend once told me she received from the wife of a well known local Baptist minister. She was well into her 70’s and had recently celebrated her and her husband’s 50th wedding anniversary. When asked to clarify, she admitted to being unfaithful to her husband with over 1000 men, and several hundred women. Her most recent escapade had been the previous day.
Not a doc, but when I went to my allergist to discuss an allergy to semen be had to ask me very in depth questions about each encounter. I had to tell a kind old man about how my boyfriend’s semen turned my face red and itchy.
My Doctor told me a story once… a bit off topic here but awe well.. Back when they first started performing Vasectomy’s, Doctors had to call their patients back for standard followup questioning a number of weeks after the procedure. He told me he got the same answers from all of the couples he interviewed.
Any Sensation change? -No, Any performance Change? — No… etc. this went on and on… until one day, he asked a couple if there were anything different after the procedure. Any changes at all…. The wife said YES… There is a huge difference since he had the surgery.
My Doc was very surprised and when he inquired further the wife said… ‘It tastes different’… O-o He said it was all he could do to keep from laughing as he made the note of “Seminal fluid tastes different after procedure.’
They removed it
‘When was your last prostate exam?’
‘I don’t have one.’
‘They removed it?’
‘No I have a vagina.’
During my clinicals in school, I had an ER rotation.
Now, I like the ER, it’s exciting and you see some really weird stuff.
I was baptized in the weird stuff puddle by a fourteen year-old chick who came in with abdominal pain.
So my preceptor (this was early in clinicals) is doing his thing and asking medical history, when he asks her if she was sexually active. She says yes, preceptor asks last sexual encounter (thinking something was up), to which she responds ‘right before I came here.’
So, preceptor asks if she can describe the nature of her pain.
She says yes.
‘It’s probably from the cucumber in my butt.’
Turns out, she had a cucumber in her butt.
As a Med student in an STD clinic in Miami I asked a lady how many sexual partners she had. ‘Honey, I get paid to f*ck. I got no clue.’ She got all the antibiotics.
Patient came in for difficulty with walking due to pain. When pressed, he admitted that he had someone forearm deep in him a week prior from a rough encounter. Sent him to a specialist, turns out his pubic symphysis was inflamed and might have a stress fracture. Oddly, when results were given to him, he made it clear that it was worth it.