1. I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
4. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
5. I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
6. People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.
7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
10. I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.
11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.”
12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
13. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
14. I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.
15. I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
18. People say I’m condescending. That means i talk down to people.
19. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
20. Whiteboards are remarkable.
21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.