1. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.
2. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
3. What's a foot long and slippery?
4. Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree. *Ba-dum tssss *
5. Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the hell out of their dogs.
6. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
7. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
8. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
9. The buddhist pulls out a gun. "Whoa," the vendor exclaims. "I thought you guys were about inner peace!"
The buddhist replies, "This is my inner piece."
10. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
11. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
12. A termite walks into the bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
13. What did they give the guy who invented the doorknocker?
A no-bell prize.
14. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey. And it sucks.
15. A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
16. What happened when the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint crashed into an island?
The sailors were marooned.
17. You heard the rumor going around about butter? Nevermind, I shouldn't spread it.
18. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they're really good at it.