1. I just talk to them in the broadest North London accent I can. Throw in a lot of slang they don’t know. It’s great when I say something like, “if we get this, and a fortnight later a little bird tells us the rozzers had a go at someone pulling this stunt on some Countdown watching biddy, do we give you a bell and tell you we had the cocoa to knock it on the head, like? Or do you get on the dog to us, because I haven’t got a Danny what the hell, you know what I’m saying?”
If they don’t understand, I just say it slower.
2. This one only works for election polls, but its pretty fantastic.
Them: Hello! My name is So-and-so and I’m calling from XYZ Research. We’re conducting a poll for the upcoming federal election. Are you available to answer a few questions?
Me: Sure.
Them: Great! If an election were held tomorrow, which of the following political parties would you be most likely to supp…
Me: You always get an election when you least want it, like when the teacher calls on you for an answer, or when you’re out to dinner with your girlfriend’s mother.
Them: …and which party would you be mo…
Me: I’m getting a pretty huge election right now. What are you wearing? Tell me more about your poll.
Them: Thank you for your time, Sir!
3. Say, Hello, Domino’s pizza. May I take your order please? and watch as they get confused.
4. My Dad always plays into it for a long long time, then tells them he is from the FBI and they are calling a home on the federal “do not call list,” asks for all of their information and hangs up. If they refuse to cooperate, he says “that’s okay, we have your voice recorded, we’ll be able to voice match you with no problem” and hangs up. Works for him. But Im pretty sure impersonating a federal agent is illegal, so maybe dont try this one…
5. A lot of telemarketing firms dont allow their employees to hang up on potential customers. The customer always has to hang up first. So what I like to do is start a dialogue and pretend Im interested, then say, Oh Ill be right back, just a moment please, then I proceed to leave the phone off the hook to see how long it takes for them to give up.
6. If Im feeling especially evil, I like to answer telemarketers and say, Im not actually who youre trying to reach – hes dead, I just found this phone in his pocket and Im staying here in case the police need some information. They usually dont know how to respond to that.
7. I like to play the YES game. Just say yes, to everything, no matter what, It usually takes awhile for them to figure out that youre only saying one thing. So worth it.
8. Tell them you’ll listen to what they have to say quietly and until they finish, but only if they listen to you first. Then go on to explain a particularly personal problem you are having, in great length and detail. This is especially great if you talk about something extremely inappropriate, like how you think your uncle may be cheating on his wife or something.
9. Research Poll Telemarketer: “How knowledgeable would you say you are about the upcoming healthcare reform bill?”
Me: “Extremely knowledgeable.”
Poller: “OK…..wait…seriously?”
10. Every time a telemarketer called, my grandfather would jokingly “assume” they were calling about the ad he’d put in the paper for a dog. Note: he sounded fairly hick-ish. So picture that while reading…
Telemarketer: Hello, this is…
Gramps: You callin’ ’bout the dog?
T: No, actually. I was…
G: He’s black on brindle, meanest damn dog you can find.
T: That’s nice, but…
G: $50. Cash. You can come down right now.
T: I’m not calling about the dog.
G: What was that? I’m gettin’ old, can’t hear so good. So he’s a helluva guard dog. Damn near tore some bastard’s leg off when he tried to come at me in my own yard. My own yard! That’s why I have to get rid of him, you know. Police say I have to put him down. We’ll see about that!
T: That’s awful! Now if you’d just…
G: You ain’t got kids, right? He’s not so good with kids.
That’s the line that finally got them to hang up. Every time.
11. Telemarketer: Hello there, how are you today? How would you like to save some money?
Me: Nah, not really.
T: You… don’t like saving money?
Me: Nah. Saving money is overrated.
T: crickets chirp Uhhhh… so you don’t want more money in your pocket?
Me: Nah, who needs that?
T: Ok you’re just screwing with me now, right?
Me: I guess so.
T: hangs up
12. Telemarketer: Hello I’m calling from…
Me: Yaaaaaaaaaaa
Telemarketer: We’re hoping you could…
Me: Yaaaaaaaaaaaa
Telemarketer: Thanks for your time
Me: Yaaaaaaaa
click
I’m not very creative when it comes to messing with people.
12 Hilarious Ways To Mess With Persistent Telemarketers. I’m Definitely Trying Number 6.
