Oh, you thought pooping your pants was soooo grade school? Well, it could happen to you like it happened to me.
This piece is based on an AskReddit thread. Link on the last page.
1. He got hosed.
Had just left a girls place after a night out, was about 6am. Got in the car, started driving and was about 15 mins from home. I pooped myself uncontrollably about 5 minutes into the trip. It was like wearing a warm doughy slush pit. When I got home, I ripped into the driveway, jumped out of the car and onto the grass, whipped my pants down and hosed my butt off. Anyone awake that early would’ve had a great show with their morning coffee.
2. (Number) two for one discount.
Food poisoning, twice. The second time I threw up all over my wife on our way home from the restaurant. I turned to her to say, “honey I don’t feel so well” and wound up saying “honey mgrulllmahaggaagaga, I’m so sorry” as I filled my pants. Somehow we’re still together after that. She’s the best. The pooping myself part came from throwing up so damn hard that it came out of the other end too.
3. The nutty professor.
So I was going through a phase where I was obsessed with pistachios. In about a week I must have gone through five 50g bags.
All was well until Friday. I remember I’d just finished work so I got a quick shower, changed into my lazy clothes and jumped into bed. I felt absolutely fine as I reached for my un-opened bag of pistachios on the side and began to work my way through them.
After a while though I began to feel some strange gurglings down below.
Now I’m an adult, a grown-ass man with a job and responsibilities. But I’ll be damned if I don’t still find farts funny, especially farts that smell so ungodly that you can kind of taste them on the air.
Until it happened. The fart that we all fear, the one spoken about in hushed tones over campfires and in dark alleyways. The one that is both fart and poop.
Apparently that innocent little fart had been carrying some illegal stowaways. Not little individually wrapped parcels of joy, oh no. I’m talking a tide, an unholy swamp of foul smelling “nut surprise” had been sprayed out of me like the worst pebble dashing in the history of mankind.
To this day I’ve never encountered a smell like it, half pistachio, half turd, all evil. That smell haunts my dreams.
Needless to say I had another shower.
4. Drive-by pooping.
I farted in the car on my way to work. I thought it felt weird, maybe a bit bubbly, but I figured it was because the heated seat was making my butt sweaty. I stopped at the drive thru to get breakfast and felt something squishing between my buttcheeks when I leaned over to get my wallet.
I remember the cashier at McDonalds asking me if I was okay because I must have had a strange look on my face when I realized I pooped my pants.
Fortunately due to the type of work I did at the time I had a change of clothes, a shower, and a washer/dryer at work. I was always the first one in so nobody had any idea what happened.
5. That’s why you carry a knife.
How have I pooped myself as an adult? Let me count the ways:
Once I leaned too far forward to take the parking break off in my truck, pooped myself, waddled into a gas station and cut my underwear off with a pocket knife, left them in the trash can.
At work in my office, was taking a pee and trusted a fart I shouldn’t have. Cut my underwear off in the stall and just waked straight out of work to my vehicle and left. It was not the best day to wear grey pants.
Went camping once, at 3am I was awoken by my body actively trying to poop itself. Climbed out of the sleeping bag, ran to the closest tree while shitting myself. Cut my underwear up to use as toilet paper because as I ran away, I didn’t grab any. Walked back to camp naked, only wearing socks. It was 16 degrees.
Moral of the story kids, always carry a pocket knife because you never know when you’ll have to cut your underwear off at a gas station.
6. That’s what they mean by ‘dual acting’.
I took a bunch of opioids when I had kidney stones and got constipation from hell. They did a CT scan with contrast and I was told at the time “Yeah, this contrast is dual acting. It both diagnoses and cures. It’d be a good idea if you stay near a bathroom tomorrow.” Apparently contrast acts like a laxative. Who knew?
And boy howdy were they not kidding. I had literally one minute warning and then alllllllll the crap that had been blocked up for ten days came out. In less than 30 seconds. I didn’t have to strain, I didn’t have to exert any effort whatsoever, it was pretty much a religious experience. I just kinda sat there for a few minutes afterward, limp as a dishrag, enjoying the afterglow. One of the best feelings in my life, better than most of the sex I’ve ever had.
7. As you were.
I was taking a drug test in the military. The observer normally just kind of stands behind you, but this dude was all up on me. My bladder kind of got shy, so I tried to force it out. I tried a little too hard and ended up pooping. It was enough that I felt it run down my leg. I had to play it cool and turn in my sample bottle, and sign paper work while covered in crap. Good times.
8. Cool grandma.
I was at my grandmas house watching a movie next to her electric heater. I fainted due to the heat, and woke up to my grandma carrying me to the bathroom with poop in my pants. God I love that woman.
9. Train squatting.
I used to live around 1 mile from a train station, and I had to run to catch a train for a job interview.
So I was in my best suit, running for a train, when I needed to fart. At least that was what I thought.
So I pooped myself while running. I managed to catch the train and disposed of my crappy undercrackers in the train toilet.
Got to my interview on time, in commando.
Didn’t get the job.
10. Coal in his stockings.
I pooped myself during family Christmas. I farted and didn’t know I full on crapped myself. Sat in it for about an hour only to get up and realize it had sunk into the cushion. My mom called me an animal and I cried laughing. Happy holidays, everyone.
11. An explosive mix.
“You know…I really like these prunes…I’m going to finish off this 1kg of prunes and wash it down with some beer.” I brought it on myself. Shame.
12. Red and black.
Hellish food poisoning. It came out black. Did you know that when youve been bleeding internally, it doesnt make your poop red, but black? But once it gets in water, red leaks out from it rapidly.
I didn’t know that either. I wish I didn’t have to find out. I was throwing up at the same time. couldn’t even stand up. Luckily I have the best boyfriend in the world, so it got cleaned up.
But that wasn’t the end of it. The reason I got food poisoning was that the stuff was tainted with staphylococcus aureus. I almost died.
13. The real war is within.
I was in Afghanistan and I accepted dinner with my interpreters. They had a drink made from goat curd, mint and something else. It was delicious. The next day I pooped myself trying to reach the latrines. Half a day of pain.
3 months later we had dinner again. You better believe I drank that delicious toxic concoction again. I dont learn. I’ve searched Afghan restaurants for 7 years and still haven’t found whatever that was.
14. That’s why I never relax my muscles.
I drank waaaay too much coffee before going to a yoga class with my sister one morning. Afterwards we went out for breakfast at a diner and consumed some seriously greasy food and even more coffee. About an hour later, I’m browsing at a craft store and the perfect storm of coffee, grease, and relaxed muscles hits. While standing in the beading aisle I let what I thought was only going to be fart loose. It was not a fart, it was hot poop.
I tied my jacket around my waist and butt clench shuffled out the door. The whole drive home I wondered if a human being could actually die of embarrassment. Fortunately, by the time I got home I was giggling like a mad woman. While cleaning myself up at home I kept cracking up laughing and realized things could have been way worse. And now I have a “hey, I pooped myself in public too” story.
15. Beer is so often the cause.
Beer and hot wing farts. Was ripping them out at work the next day. The last one was not a fart but I had already applied too much pressure. There was so much that it even came out of my shorts and hit the floor. The best part was walking up to my boss to say “I, uh, just crapped myself, need to go home and clean up.”
16. That’s why you read the side-effects.
I was very sick at 20 years of age. And it was just getting worse every day. After one week, I called my doctor so that he could see that my tonsils had turned yellow. He prescribed me some antibiotics i.e. penicillin.
Still sick, but taking my meds I started to get better. I was all wrapped up in my duvet and sitting at my computer and was trying to stay comfortable. When suddenly I had to fart. I didn’t know that one of the side effects of penicillin was liquid fiery hell escaping my sacred sanctum. This liquid just couldn’t be stopped once it had gotten started – This poop was like the T1000. It just escaped through the smallest slits and cracks and destroyed my shorts, my duvet, my chair, and my dignity. Worst part was trying to smuggle my chair out of the dormitory without anyone noticing.
17. She gave birth to something unexpected.
I was pregnant, around 4 months along. Every day I would take my dog for a long morning walk. About halfway through I realized I needed to poop and had better turn around and head back home. I was confident that I could walk the 1.5 miles back to my house because I was a poo holding super hero. I had gone longer than that after getting drunk and eating a burrito the size of a baby. Thing is pooping and peeing after your first trimester happens in ways that you are no longer in control of.
The last 4 blocks were hell. I was dragging my dog doing yoga breathing and clenching my butt cheeks together so tightly I was walking like I was wearing leg braces. I raced walked to my door threw it opened and told my SO to “get out of the way!!!” He blocked me like a line backer and said “does my honey bunny have to take a big dumpy wumpy?” Then he gave me a squeeze and a tickle…and I exploded into my yoga pants and started crying. It took me days to forgive him.
18. A long trip, but a short journey.
My friend pooped his pants once when we were on acid. It was in front of a bunch of girls too. We took way too much and he sorta malfunctioned. Not a proud day for either of us, frankly.
19. The newborn is the one who’s supposed to poop herself.
Three weeks after my first daughter was born both my wife and I got severely ill. I call it hell flu. I was running a 104 degree fever and I was kind of delirious. I really dont know what exactly was going on in my head but when the diarrhea started running down my leg my mind snapped out of its haze and I realized what I had done. I stripped off the poop-laden clothes, got them in the wash, and cleaned myself up. My wife never knew it happened, mostly because two hours latter I wet the bed, and she will never let me live it down.
20. Thank God for travel insurance.
Traveled with a friend trough Thailand and got myself a pretty severe case of food poisoning. One day we wanted to take the ferry to Koh Phangan and took the bus down there which was an 8 hour ride. I slept on the way down, not knowing what was yet to come.
Woke up because I pooped myself. Not hard, just a bit. So I went down to the bus toilet to examine how much I failed. The toilet was literally just a hole in the bus.
I had to puke so hard that I pooped myself again. Later I found out it was such high velocity puking that I ripped my esophagus.
I really thought that’d be the end of me, and I was going to die in the middle of nowhere without a phone. I would have passed out if it wasn’t for my friend. I had to stay 3 days in the hospital. Funny thing is I considered not buying a travel insurance at the beginning but I did in the end. Cost me $20 and saved me a $5000 hospital bill at least.
21. So classy, so gassy.
Had a day off with my best friend/roommate on a Saturday. Woke up early to make the most out of the day. Sitting in Panera at about 8 am, feeling like proper adults as we drink coffee, eat bagels, and are both reading newspapers. We both have our papers folded out in front of our faces. BFF puts hers down, I put mine down. She looks at me, straight face, and says “I just pooped myself. Will you judge me if I go throw my underwear away? I really don’t want to drive all of the way back to the apartment.”
“Nope.” Same straight face as her. I told her to wait while I grabbed some disinfectant wipes (like the Lysol ones for countertops) out of the car and came back inside. She cleaned up, threw her dirty underwear away in the tampon bin attached to the stall wall, and came back out. Finished our papers and breakfast. Went the rest of the day commando and had a blast at the zoo feeding giraffes. It was one of the most nonchalant, non-judgemental moments of my life.
22. Worst class trip ever.
I was on a class trip to Washington DC in 8th grade. After taking us all to eat at a fast food restaurant, the chaperones thought it would be a good idea to take everyone to a souvenir store out in the middle of nowhere. As I was browsing cheap models of the Washington Monument, I got the “oh, no” feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I rushed to the counter to ask the only employee at the store where the bathroom is. As luck would have it, he spoke little-to-no English, but knew enough to say “No bathroom, no bathroom.” I panic and walk outside and see the bus driver standing there. Starting to sweat, I ask if I can use the bus’ bathroom.
“Number 1 or number 2,” he says. “Number 2,” I say quietly. He gave me a grim look. (continued…)
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He proceeds to tell me that, yes, I can use the bathroom, but they will then have to go out of their way to empty the toilet tank when I’m done. I do my best to hold it, but after what seemed like no time at all, the floodgates started to open. There I am, a chubby 14 year old kid in blue corduroy shorts with a trail of poop most foul running down my leg.
At that point, one of the popular girls looks over and says “You’ve got something running down your leg!”. I abandon all pretence and run to the bus while yelling “I’m sick! I’m sick!” Of course the bathroom is at the back of the bus so as I’m making my way to the bathroom, I’m leaving a trail of poo juice down the aisle. I proceed to completely wreck this bathroom, using all available toilet paper and every paper towel. Eventually all of the other kids get on and we depart that godforsaken place, but I stay quiet in the bathroom until I hear the bus stop and everyone get off.
I head back to join the group, and as I depart the bus, the first person I see asks me how many times I threw up in the bathroom. Apparently everyone thought I was violently ill and not just pooping my pants. Everything worked out better than expected, except I had to throw away my blue corduroy pants.
23. Lace without grace.
Not sure if it counts. I was wearing a very comfortable pair of lace panties. I also had the flu. Rushed to the toilet and pulled down my pants. Didn’t realize until I went to wipe that I didn’t pull down my underwear. Everything pretty much went straight through the underwear. I pooped myself while sitting on the toilet.
24. Now that is love.
Active labor. The body wants to expel anything in the colon, so I went before we left for the hospital. I guess I didn’t get it all out. I had really bad poo cramps on top of a contraction (which also feels like really bad poo cramps), and I decided it was time to waddle my happy but into the bathroom to finish what I’d started at home.
I finished, baby came, much screaming, some sleep friends and family blah blah blah. My husband later told me that I’d pooped at the moment, so he grabbed the paper towel thing they lay down on the beds, wadded it up and tossed it before anyone could see, and asked the nurse for a new one. Hes a keeper.
25. Wrestling with the demons.
This happened when I was 17. The events that lead up to that moment are important. 1) I was cutting weight for a wrestling tournament, cutting a lot of weight so my stomach was not the happiest organ on this day. 2) I had gotten the flu the day before and was having some problems though out the day 3) for some reason my school had white singlets that we wore in the finals.
Now that the stage is set, I made the finals and and the wrestling began. I was killing it, I was up 8-0 with about 30 secs left, I had wrestled terrible all day, but now I was hitting my stride. My opponent takes a hi-crotch, an attempt to grab my leg. But instead he uppercuts me in the crotch. I feel the liquid hell begin to seep. I can’t just run off, I would lose. I’m trapped in this poo singlet for another 25 seconds, the longest 25 seconds of my life to that point. My parents just start laughing, everyone is laughing. The black streak that has begun to spread down my backside is becoming more and more defined. It spreads like the plague. Time expires, I sprint to shake hands, before the ref even touches me I raise my own hand and sprint to the showers.
26. You defeated yourself, man.
I went to take a poop and forgot to pull my pants down. I just sat down on the toilet and pooped my pants. Perfectly healthy, just distracted.
Boxers kept it contained (I realized right away) so it was easy cleanup. I dropped them in the trash and went commando the rest of the day. My pants stank, but at the time, I was working at a fertilizer plant. In summer, surrounded by dead animals, chemicals, and various forms of industrial farm waste. You could take a full bath in human feces and smell better than anyone or anything there. Lucky me.
27. A slippery slope.
Not only was this the most embarrassing event ever to befall me, it happened at the most embarrassing age: 13. To put it bluntly, I crapped my pants in about the worst circumstances possible.
I was at a ski resort. Our hockey team decided to have the annual Christmas party there, so there were 20 other awkward 13-year-old boys and their awkward families on hand.
It was starting to get dark, and everyone returned to the chalet for pizza and hot chocolate. But I was always an avid skier, and I decided to get in one more run alone before calling it a night.
And I had saved the toughest slope for last – a double black diamond.
The wind was lapping at my face as I began to criss-cross my way down the perilously steep run. I was about to hit a small jump when it happened.(continued)
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There was no warning. No rumble of distant thunder, just the sudden deluge. And I pooped everything: crayons and croutons, Tonka trucks and toenails, the complete works of Oscar Wilde and Lilo and Stitch on VHS.
And of course, I couldnt stop skiing while this happened. I had to keep fighting my way down the hill as my tears froze to my cheeks and my shame ran down my legs and pooled in my boots.
When finally I reached the end of the run, I threw my skis away and began to trudge the two hundred yards or so back to the chalet, pushing people out of the way as required, making tracks in the snow with a sickening squelch, and dreading what would happen when my teammates found out.
Somehow, mercifully, I was able to get my dads attention without anyone seeing (or smelling) my presence. I pulled him aside and explained my predicament. To his eternal credit, he made my excuses to my teammates, telling them I was ill.
Then he discreetly drove me home, and never told a living soul. But he did make me keep my window rolled down in -10 weather all the way back.
I guess I cant begrudge him that.
28. So close…
I’d been out of town for work, and the last night of the trip everyone went out and drank pretty heavily. The next day, I drove the three hours back home and felt just fine. Got home and was doing a little cleaning. While vacuuming my living room I rotated my shoulders and just straight up pooped myself. No warning. No idea it was coming.
The worst part… I could see the toilet from where I was standing.
29. At least there’s one honest man.
I once worked at a shop where my boss said that if I ever pooed my pants, I could go home. I asked, “Even if I did it on purpose?” and he said that would be impressive and sure. So one day I didn’t want to be there. I was tagging shirts in the back and took a moment to just stand there and try to poop my pants. I wanted to go home. But, goddamn… My body wouldn’t let me. It knew it was weird and gross to just stand there and shit my pants. I worked the whole shift.