Everyone once in a while, a dad will do something that is so cool and badass, the kids will remember it forever.
Below are the best ‘One time, my dad’ stories people have. Check them out!
One time my dad set my mom on fire.
This was about two years ago, we were camping and were having trouble getting a fire started. My dad remembered that he had a container of flame accelerant in the trailer. I think it was lighter fluid or something. Anyways, he squirted some of it into the fire pit and we got it going. A little bit later, he decided it would be a really great idea to just use up the rest of the accelerant so he pours it on the fire. Not the wood, like before. FLAMES.
So the bottle obviously starts on fire as well, and my dad freaks out and throws it on the ground and then tries to stomp on it to put it out, which led to a stream of flames and fluid shooting out from the bottle and landing right on my mom’s leg. It only burned for about 5 seconds and I kept yelling STOP DROP AND ROLL at her (which she, of course, did not do) and tried to hold my laughter in until my mother was no longer ablaze. My dad isn’t in charge of starting fires anymore.
My stepmom own a couple of hot dog stands that are located in Home Depots. Every summer she caters an outdoor movie night event for the community of her cousin. It’s an all-day event and when I was in college they asked me to help out and gave me the money they got paid so I could have some money for school.
The morning of the event, I got to my dad’s house and started helping him load the hot dog cart onto the back of his truck. All of a sudden this SUV starts speeding down the alley. My dad narrowly avoids getting hit, but as the SUV passes it took out the drivers side mirror of my dad’s truck. The SUV then stops a few houses down and the guy jumps out and runs into a house.
My dad and I both look at each other, really confused, and then went to check out the damage. The mirror was hanging off so we had to start figuring a way to tape it on because we needed it to make the hour and half long drive to the event.
After a few minutes the guy from the SUV comes back out and walks towards us. My dad was pretty pissed and looked ready to confront him. The guy stops right in front of the mirror, looks at it, turns to us and says, “I’m so sorry. I was about to poop myself.”
I could barely withhold my laughter and although my dad was still visibly pissed, I could tell he thought it was funny too. The guy ended up paying for the mirror, but the whole thing was such a weird interaction.
One time my dad took me to my college orientation back in 98. I grew up in an urban setting and wanted to mix it up so I decided on an undergrad school in a very rural area. Read: Not a lot of diversity.
My dad is the best and always wants to goof around. We had this jeep growing up that we called “Little Blackie” because it was…little and black. A running joke was that any time any of us in the family saw a similar looking jeep, one of us would yell “hey! Look! It’s little blackie!”
Bet you see where this is going.
We are walking around campus and sure enough, there was a jeep parked within sight. My dad starts yelling…Hey! Look! Little Blackie!! LITTLE BLACKIE!!!
OF COURSE the ONLY African American kid on campus was walking RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. My dad was oblivious and kept right on yelling. The poor kid looked at me in disgust and I was so very mortified. I wanted to disappear.
I ended up becoming really good friends with him later in my freshman year and after I explained the whole story he laughed super hard. Thank goodness. I still cringe thinking about it though.
When I was younger I was a pretty high level swimmer, so my mum would take me to events all over the country, leaving my dad and my 10 year old brother home. I remember one time we went up north for a few days just after we’d had our house insulated. Now I don’t know if you’ve ever seen what they do, but they essentially drill holes in your house and squirt insulation inside, it leaves loads of cream coloured spots all over the walls.
Now I remember just before we left for the event my mum looked at my dad and said “make sure you paint the house.” To which he replied “of course dear”
Fast forward 3 days, we’re rolling up the drive at about midnight, towards a house that has now been floodlit, multiple lights are now pointing at a white house, with massive pink spots with my dad and my ten year old brother stood on ladders covered in pink paint looking very happy with themselves.
Of course after that she was more specific with her instructions.
She was not best pleased.
One time, when I was about 10, my dad called me into his room. He and my mom were there, completely naked, standing around and laying their clothes down ready to get dressed. They acted like the situation was completely normal and asked me about some random thing.
I eventually blocked this memory out, and thought it to be a dream, but then, 10 years later, they told me that was their way of showing me what a body looked like because I was getting close to “that age”.
This was a few years back but, my dad really got into my pot brownies. Only way I know this is because I woke up in the middle of the night to him putting baby socks on my dog. His only statement was, “Dog’s shouldn’t have cold feet.”
One time when I was 6, I got my big toenail ripped off, and my dad convinced me to put the toenail under my pillow for The Toenail Fairy.
I got a dollar.
One time my dad saw I was in a really low mood so he walked into my room, grabbed my trash Hatsune Miku wig and my swim goggles, put them both on and followed me around for a solid ten minutes, completely nonchalant, to make me laugh. Imagine, if you will, a large imposing black man wearing a teal pig-tailed wig and goggles so old they’re turning brown, causally making himself a sandwich.
One time my dad came home after I had a party at the house. There were girls dancing together on the pool table, and one of them had Cheeto dust on their fingers. I tried to clean it, but couldn’t get all of it before they got home. He calls me downstairs and asks about the marks on the table, I couldn’t think of a lie so I just told him the truth. He stares for a couple seconds and then says “nice”.
One time, my dad was sitting on the couch in our living room. Mom brought out a bag of sugar and asked him to open it. He opened it like it was a bag of Doritos, and I mean, IT. WAS. EVERYWHERE. He was only wearing his shorts, so there was sugar in just about every square inch of his visible hair as well as all over our couch and carpet. Took him four showers in a row to get it all off.
One time, my older brother and I were helping my dad cut down some trees in the backyard and the chainsaw kind of stuck and my dad yanked it out a little too hard and hit my brother’s leg. We all froze and looked at his jeans…which had 4 or so perfectly spaced holes…but no blood. He had managed to hit my brother’s pants, but didn’t get in far enough to hit flesh.
The next words out of his mouth were pretty obvious. “Don’t tell your mother!” And we still haven’t 20+ years later.
One time my dad ripped a HUMONGOUS fart and killed all the power in the neighborhood. Literally, he farted, dark.
Spoiler: We later found out that someone had hit a pole further up the line at that EXACT moment.
It made perfect sense to us kids. Dad’s an electrician, and has DEADLY farts.
Now I use this as an example that correlation is not causation.
According to my grandmother, my dad, on his first day of school back in the 60’s came home all smiles and laughter.
The next day when my grandmother awoke him for his second day of school he matter-of-factly replied:
“No I’ve already been to school.”
He really thought school was something like the dentist or inoculations where you only have to go the once and that’s it.
One time my dad cut his leg pretty bad so he tour my mom’s shirt off, wrapped up his wound and drove himself to the hospital.
He also puts coffee in his oatmeal to kill two birds with one stone.
One time my dad made me drive three hours from home to visit a nature preserve. He then began taking pics of the birds there. Just one problem, the birds were plastic. Turns out the flocks had stopped migrating back to the preserve so they put up plastic birds for tourists. The funniest part was how long it took him to listen to me telling him they were plastic.
One time I was in another room and the phone rang. I hear my dad answer the phone when a telemarketer called, and they asked if he wants his ductwork cleaned. He said, “Yes, I would love to have my ducks cleaned. QUACK QUACK, QUACK QUACK!” and then just hangs up on the guy.
One time we went to Universal Studios and my dad took me on The Hulk roller coaster even though he knew it would make him sick. I was afraid of coasters at that point and he sacrificed himself because he knew I would never go on the ride without him. When we got off his face was completely colorless and his stomach was done working correctly for the rest of the day, but I loved the roller coaster.
My dad once put off going to the optometrist for three years. When he finally went, it turned out his right eye was in charge of looking at things far away and his left eye only looked at things close up. Sometime during those three years he became farsighted and his brain compensated.
One time, when I was younger and embarrassed about my body and potential “dirty” words, my Dad made a song about penises and vaginas and sang it any opportunity he could just to embarrass me.
One day, my dad answered the door in his underwear at 8am. The salesman was obviously weirded out. After he left, my mom was mortified and asked why he did that. My dad said “If these people don’t want a show, they shouldn’t come for the matinee.”
One time my dad’s fart smelled so bad my dog threw up.
One time my dad waited till me and my 3 siblings had gone to bed on Christmas Eve, then he shouted “I don’t care who you are fat man, get that sled off my roof.” We were all up and telling Dad not to yell at Santa.
One time my dad made a remote control car and put me as a toddler on it and drove me around.
One time my dad literally took candy from a baby.
A two year old held up a lollypop and my dad assumed the kid was giving it to him. After taking it and walking away, he realized the toddler probably just wanted to show it to him.
One time my dad was on a business trip and he ended up getting upgraded to first class. He ended up talking with this guy seated near him for a majority of the flight. Turned out that guy was Usher.
One time my dad saw me put a rubber band around the sinks small water hose thing that I had specifically set up for him, but instead of saying anything he left it there and watched for the next victim. He laughed so hard when the older man we rented the basement to yelled and turned around with his shirt wet.
One time my dad took my brother’s walkie talkie and had us and about 10 kids in the neighborhood convinced that we had picked up a signal from a plane that was crashing towards the Earth. We were running up and down the streets for an hour with our eyes on the sky listening as the “pilot” tried to reach someone for help. Dad’s windows were open so we eventually caught on to the heinous laughter echoing between the houses after every mayday.
One time my dad almost slit my throat because he thought I was a burglar.
I had snuck downstairs for some reason, I was in the kitchen and heard him coming in, so I hid behind the kitchen counter. Heard my dad opening drawers and things. Next thing I know he had leaned over the counter and grabbed my head, had a kitchen knife to my throat. A split second later he realised it was me and dropped me, then I got yelled at because he had heard me breathing, thought I was a home intruder, and I almost got in a world of pain. He was shaking from adrenaline.
As a dad now myself, I can imagine the state of mind he was in.
So we were having a family dinner over the summer and my sister had been at a BBQ the day before and the host gave her a big bowl of fruit salad to take home.
We’re sitting there having dinner and my dad is staring at the fruit salad with this weird look on his face and he says “What are these little blue things?” While holding up a blueberry.
We were like “how do you not know what a blueberry is?” Then realized my mom hates blueberries so dude hasn’t seen a blueberry in 45 years and forgot they existed.
One time my dad crapped his jeans on the side of the road on the way to my volleyball tournament. We were running late for the tournament so he threw the pants in the woods, and had dress pants in the car. He walked around the tournament all day in a red volleyball sweatshirt and pinstripe dress pants.
One time, my dad received an email from an old friend claiming to be stranded overseas and in need of financial assistance. He then attempted to transfer thousands of dollars to a Middle-Eastern bank account. The bank called my mum, who saw sense and stopped the whole thing immediately. My dad is not a smart man, but at least he is generous.