36 short clean jokes that can be used to spark conversation without offending anyone. By anyone I mean the bartender.
(Source at the end of the article. Content has been rewritten for clarity.)
Officer: Soldier, I did not see you in camouflage class.
Soldier: Thank you sir.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says “sorry, you might wanna grab a table, we don’t serve food here”.
My wife accused me of acting like a Flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
When our grandma was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday.
Now shes 70, but we have no idea where she is.
Where do the Sick boats go?
Where the water melons grow,
and then they’re taken to the dock.
A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
“Quiero calcetines” said the man.
“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here.” said the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines.” said the man.
“Well, these shirts are on sale this week.” declared the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines.” repeated the man.
“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack.” offered the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines.” insisted the man.
“These sweaters are top quality.” the salesgirl probed.
“No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines.” said the man.
“Our undershirts are over here.” fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
“No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines.” the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed “Eso s que es!”.
“Well, if you could spell it, why didn’t you do that in the beginning?” asked the exasperated salesgirl.
What is the highest form of flattery?
My step ladder helped me get to new heights. I never knew my real ladder.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they’d still be on the boat.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone, calls 911 and gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy gasps “OK, now what?”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
We were on a boat, fishing.
Dad holding a cigarette in his hand: Anyone has a cigarette lighter?
Mom throws his cigarette overboard: Now entire boat is a cigarette lighter.
Who has four arms and two legs?
Me. *Flexes his forearm*
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Why did the old man fall down the well?
Because he couldnt see that well.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Wait, it gets more terrible.
Someone terrible stole it today.
Now I have no words for how angry it makes me.
How do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesnt matter, hes not gonna come.
What is dentist’s favorite time of day?
My dad is a dentist…I’ve heard this joke at every family get together for 20 years.
Which side of a chicken has more feathers?
I’d really like to start a career in mirror washing, it’s something I could really see myself doing.
Doctor: I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it.
hands over baby
Husband: Oh…. it’s cute. Well can I see the one she did make please.
hands baby back
How do you make holy water?
Just boil the hell out of it.
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
A magician is driving down the road.
Then he turns into a driveway!
Grandpa did you ever get shot in the army?
No I got shot in the leggy.
Where did the hipster drown?
In the mainstream.
A guy was into a psychiatrist office wrapped in nothing but Plastic wrap.
What did the psychiatrist say?
I can clearly see your nuts.
I used to have two kidneys.
Now I have two adult knees.
Did you know that if you took all the veins from a person’s entire circulatory system and laid them out in one straight line,
that person would die.
Me and my girlfriend watched 3 DVD’s back to back this halloween.
Luckily I was the one facing TV this time.
What has 4 legs, green fur, and if it fell on you out of a tree would kill you ?
A pool table.
And the lord said unto John, come forth and receive eternal life.
But John came first and won a toaster
“Ever see the movie constipation?”
“It hasn’t come out yet.”
Have a great day!