We’ve all been there that moment when you decide, for one reason or another, that you’re going to pretend you’re asleep? Usually, that just means keeping your eyes shut to avoid whatever is going on around you, until you either fall asleep for real or everyone leaves. Occasionally, there is a magical moment in which the people around you take it as an opportunity to talk about things that they usually wouldn’t say around you. Here, people talk about the most outrageous things they’ve overheard whilst pretending to be asleep.
Thanks to everyone who contributed! If you’d like to read more stories like this, check out the source link at the end of this article. Comments have been edited for clarity.
I remember way back when, I couldn’t sleep on Christmas Eve, you know, being a little kid and all. So during this sleepless night where I guess my parents thought I was asleep, I heard my dad say, “where do you think we should hide the new puppy?” That was pretty much at the top of my list, so naturally I was excited that I was getting a puppy. They talked for a good 20 minutes about the puppy, saying things like, “how should we keep it from barking before he finds him?” before I dozed off.
Next morning, I discovered that my parents knew I was awake and just decided to mess with me. There was no puppy. I got a Gameboy though, so it wasn’t too bad.
When I was 6 or 7 I remember staying up late without the babysitter realizing, whilst my parents were out. I remember when they came back home I was so worried about getting into trouble for still being awake that I pretended to be asleep. Mum came in the room asking whether or not I was awake (I stayed quiet) and then she just sat down on my bed. She was quiet for what felt like forever but was probably only a couple of minutes before she bent over, stroked my hair, and kissed the top of my head whilst telling me how much she loved me and how much I meant to her and then she tucked the covers around me tighter and left. To this day it’s my favourite memory of her and one I’ve never shared with anyone.
Her birthday is coming up in a month so I’m going to tell her, just need to figure out how to word it in a birthday card.
I was spending the night at a friend’s house I’m a guy and she’s a girl. I had brought my friend over because we were out partying, and we all slept in the same room. I was laying on the floor near my friend when I heard my friend Andrea call my name. Wanting to sleep, I ignored her not moving, to which she respond, “Ok, Andy I think he’s asleep, come here.” About 5 minutes later I hear the bed squeaking and her soft moans, one of them sneezed about 15 minutes into it, in which I responded, “Bless you.” They immediately stopped 10/10 would do again.
Must’ve been about 16, 17ish, was staying at a friends house who was with his girlfriend. He was the first in our circle to have sex and he just loved to brag about it. How much of a natural he was, how surprised his girlfriend was that she was his first, all that clich bollocks. We all just laughed, let him have his fun, and got on with it.
Anyway, back to being at his place with her. I go and crash early on the floor of their room (in a sweet little blanket pile with her dog, it was great), I was just getting bored of him rampantly flirting at her like a brain damaged peacock. So, about a half hour later, they come in, and of course they start doing the deed. I honestly think they forgot I was there or something. I hear very loud kissing, a few batman grunts, a bit of whimpering – they had started and finished in less than a minute.
So I’m lying, curled up in the corner of their room under blankets and a dog, listening to my friend cry in shame while his girlfriend was finishing herself off.
That was a great night.
When I was a kid my mom would make my brother and me take naps for like 45 minutes. I pretended I was sleeping, and I heard my mom talking on the phone to my grandma. During the conversation I assume my grandma had asked what my brother and I were up to, because she said (my name)’s brother is sleeping, and (my name) is pretending to be asleep. I was like …crap. She said she knew I was faking because my mouth was closed, and whenever I’m actually asleep my mouth is slightly open. Ever since that day, whenever I’m pretending to be asleep for whatever reason, I keep my mouth slightly open. Thanks for the tip, mom.
Weekend retreat at church camp – my buddy and another friend’s girlfriend and I ended up in a room with two bunk beds. We were chilling, when I realized that I was the third wheel, so I powered down. First there were tests to see if I was awake, then she climbed to his top bunk, then kissing, then her moaning, then her telling him he should wash his hand. I got bored and did some fake sleep-talking. They laughed and continued, but they called it a night without rounding home. She left, and I figured it was best to not give high-fives till the next day.
I don’t know why I waited until we were at his house; maybe she rode back with us. Still, it was my first time playing Super Nintendo, and as he handed me the controller that would introduce me to Yoshi, I asked him, “You did wash your hands, right?”
He was so thrilled to get to talk to someone about it.
“This dumbarse knows that we know he’s awake, right?”
“I’m only friends with him because I feel sorry for him.”
I played it cool for the rest of the night and then just never talked to him again.
When I was 8, on Christmas eve I overheard Santa eating the cookies and drinking the milk. Later, he opened the fridge and ate a large chunk of a cake and ran around the living room smearing the cake everywhere. Santa was our dog.
At a sleepover, “Do you think he’s circumcised or not?”
It was a night after drinking with friends. I wasn’t really pretending, but more trying to keep my head from spinning. I overheard my buddy say to my other friend, Say! I wonder how easy it is to smother someone to death.
I was in this messed up relationship with my ex husband when I was pregnant with my second kid. We had a roommate (female) but we would all have sex with each other because we were “young and free spirited” or something…
Anyway, I pretended to be asleep one night because I didn’t feel like having sex that night and didn’t want to turn anybody down or make up an excuse. My ex-husband and the roommate got to talking in the next room (the bedroom door was open so I could hear them pretty clearly) and she asked him why he married me anyway… His response:
“I just didn’t know what else to do at that point. Seemed like the next logical step and I took it. I honestly wish I hadn’t done it and I wish I was single right now living life, but now I have this stupid family and I’m not sure how I’m gonna get out.”
Hit me real hard…
A French girl I met in a hostel came in to where I was sleeping and just sat there. I had just cut it off with her and I didn’t want to deal with her, so I pretended to be asleep for a few minutes. She just mumbled random stuff, she was pretty drunk. Finally what got me up was when, in the cutest french accent, she told me she was going to set me on fire in my sleep.
I should have mentioned that, yes, I did sleep with her again after that. Sometimes you gotta do messed up stuff to stay not on fire.
I was drunk at a party and couldn’t fathom the world so I lay down, closed my eyes in a dark room. I heard two of my friends come in, one came over to me and poked me in the ribs then said, “It’s fine, he’s asleep.” They then proceed to talk about how both of them were cheating on their boyfriends and who at the party they wanted to get down with.
A loud fart followed by “oh sh-t!”. And then some shuffling sounds..
My parents talking dirty while they were doing it.
I was sharing a room with a friend and his girlfriend for New Years and after all the partying and drinking he was horny. They thought I was sleeping so he began to touch her. Even though she was horny too, she didn’t want to do it because I was there.
So they were talking for like 5 minutes about whether to do it or not while he was still working his magic fingers on her when suddenly she said:
“No, we really can’t do it that would be so disrespectful for h… ooh yes ooohh like that… Ok, let’s do it but silently…”
My friend said I’m a nice guy. Thank you man. May you rest in peace.
A screaming match involving the line, “I want you to say one nice thing about my kids, ONE!” Followed by silence and doors slamming.
My mum told a friend via telephone: I thought my husband was cheating, so now I do it too. I still don’t know what to do. My father has not cheated and it’s proven. My mum is just stupid, they’re getting divorced now.
I was sleeping without a shirt. My dad told my mom I had a nice build.
I hope they didn’t notice me smile.
Every time I’ve tried to pretend to fall asleep I ended up falling asleep for real. Darn it!
I pretended to fall asleep when I was about 12 because I heard someone coming into the room that my younger sister and I shared and thought it was my mom who would yell at me for being on my ipod at 2am. It turns out it was a robber (with a crowbar), he just peeked into the room and went out when he saw us in there. I’m really glad I didn’t realize until the next morning who it was – I have no idea how I would have reacted if I’d realized some strange man was in my room at 2am.
I went to a college party. It was late, so I actually fell asleep. Woke up a few minutes later and an orgy was happening, so I closed my eyes and hoped I looked asleep. I did not get disturbed.
I pretended to be asleep at a sleepover, and heard my supposed friends planning to throw my clothes in the tree. Middle school sucks.
One night during high school, my friend and I got invited to a party. I didn’t drive back then so my friend picked me up. All went well on our way to the party. On the way back however, he got pulled over. As we were pulling to the side of the road, I told him that I was gonna pretend to be sleeping (since I was the passenger). Anyway, I hear the cop get out of his cop car, walk towards our car, he stops at the window but doesn’t say anything. I can feel the brightness of his flashlight but I don’t hear him or my friend say anything. After about what seemed like an eternity, I decide to open my eyes to see what’s going on. That’s when I see my friend, the guy who is driving, is pretending like he is sleeping too.
Afterward? So, after my initial internal “holy crap” moment, the cop, who was obviously messing with us, apologized for waking us up and asked us to step out of the car. He never said but I’m sure he suspected us of being under the influence, which we weren’t (my friend and I were just being dumb kids, him more so than me, obviously). We fully cooperated and since we weren’t out past curfew, we were soon on our way.
The reason the cops pulled us over? My friends car had a busted tail light. I asked him what did he hope to accomplish by pretending to be sleep-driving, to which he replied that he thought I had a smart idea and he should do what I did. He’ll probably be glad to know that his most embarrassing moment is now on the internet for all to see.
“I hate you.” -quietly, passionately, by my husband.
We are now separated and don’t speak.
Note: while my husband was no angel, I have to say that he was the lesser of two evils in our marriage. Don’t feel too bad for me; I deserved it.
I was dozing off in my bed with my girlfriend at the time when I heard her confess her love for me. She was pretty hammered, but she went into intricate detail about how she feels respected, enjoys the sex, and sees a serious future with me.
The next morning I got yelled at for not cuddling and told that it was a major issue. I don’t think she even knew of her confession.
My mum did this once when a friend of her father came round to visit. She was tired and pretended to fall asleep on the sofa, cause she didn’t want to be spoken to. Her father and his friend proceed to talk about the war (This is WW2 and they’re Polish). This friend was sent to the border between Poland and Ukraine, and some villages were attacked by neighbouring Ukrainians for some reason I’m still not sure about.
He said they killed people by sawing them in half, and loads of other gruesome things she wouldn’t tell me.
When I was in high school, I was practically a loner. Before high school I lived in central Florida and didn’t understand friendships and romantic relationships because of constant middle school bullies lying and messing with me and stuff.
Anyways, I moved from big a city in central Florida to a small town in redwoods California. I moved when I was in 8th grade, and I just kept to myself knowing that I’ll probably move again because of my dad’s job so I thought there was no point in making friends. I was always keeping to myself and minding my own business, and I had a lot of sad thoughts and I felt that, (like in middle school), if someone learned of my sad feelings then they would make fun of me. So I had to act like I’m not sad. Since I wasn’t good at socializing and I realized one of the easiest ways to be in a good mood was to hold my classroom’s door open. I knew it was a nice gesture so I just did it, and I thought being nice meant being in a good mood, so I held a door open every time.
Every morning I would hold my first period door open. I literally just stood there and held the door open, sometimes sit but mostly stood there. You get the occasional thank you, and I would just nod my head and not say anything.
After a while in my head I would say “It’s working! No one will know that I’m feeling sad.”
I then started picking up trash if someone littered and threw it away, I picked up a pencil when someone dropped it, if someone was sitting alone I would sit next them (although I wouldn’t say much), and I would say “good morning (name)” to everyone in my first period. In my mind it was foolproof no one will know I’m sad! Oddly enough, I didn’t get bullied.
Fast forward to high school. Well surprise, surprise there were bullies. I was made fun of on my bus rides home because I was Asian, I was being pushed around in the hallways, etc. However I kept on doing my gestures, because you know, I did not want people to know I’m sad. Even though I did break down crying once on my bus.
Another fast forward to sophomore year. Every morning I would hold open the door to my high school’s zero period. Which was really early in the morning, and I would almost always be the first one there. I was sitting there with my eyes closed to rest a bit, and I guess people though I was asleep. I overheard some kid making fun of me. Typical. Then I overheard someone defending me. Saying I’m a nice kid and stuff. It wasn’t just one person, but multiple people. They were talking about how dedicated I am to being nice to people: holding the door open, picking up trash, picking up dropped pencils, sitting next to the lonely kids, etc. Soon after I started noticing people’s kindness towards me.
One moment was when this one bully held me to the ground when there was no one around. He was saying, “show me how Asian people fight.” Of course, knowing about expulsion, I refused to fight and let him have his way. Then out of nowhere, two tough looking kids shoved the bully off of me and told the bully off and not to mess with me. They were telling me how they got my back and stuff. To myself I thought that was odd. Soon the days after I started noticing practically every clique was defending me. On my bus ride a couple of kids were telling their country friend to apologize to me for always making fun of me being Asian. Some goth looking kids were wondering if I was alright and that I should smile some more since I had a great smile. I even realized that it was a bunch of football players that one morning when I was pretending to be asleep that defended me. Not long after I started smiling more, saying hello to everyone I knew the name of in the hallway, (which was a lot apparently), joined community involving clubs. Heck I was even nominated for the Sophomore class homecoming king. I ended up telling people not to because I wasn’t good in front of crowds. I ended up moving like I predicted by the end of my sophomore year. Looking back, it was that moment that I realized for the first time that I truly mattered to people, and I didn’t think as many sad thoughts since.
Thanks for reading!