Cops see some of the of dumbest things. Let's be honest, most criminals are the the brightest bulbs in the box, so it's not really surprising that police see dumb stuff.
But when you read these stories, you'll be amazing at just how dumb this stupid criminals really are. It's astounding!
Real Cops Aren’t Women?
“My roommate was a cop.
We were walking home after work (I passed right by the station on my way home, and she’d usually join me.)
She was still in uniform, badge and all.
We passed by a store and a group of kids surrounded us and asked us to buy them some of the hard stuff. She said, ‘How old are you?’
They said, ’16, that’s why we can’t buy it ourselves.’
She asked them after she arrested them why they’d approach a uniformed police officer of all people. Their answer?
‘We didn’t think you were a real cop because you’re a woman.’
This was in a small midwestern town almost 50 years ago, there is a real chance she was the first lady cop they’d seen in person. However, it’s unacceptable idiocy to approach anyone, man or woman, in a police uniform with a badge, to buy you adult beverages illegally.”
He Just ATE It!
“Oh so many. The craziest was probably the guy who asked me how much crack I wanted to buy.
I was in full uniform but he was looking down counting the rocks in his palm at night. I laughed and said, ‘I’ll take all of it!’
He said, ‘That’s going to be like fifty bucks then,’ as he looked up at me. Realizing the error in his ways upon seeing me, he ate them all. He got out of going to jail right then, but got a warrant for destroying evidence, and a ride to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.
So kinda worth it for him, I guess.”
Flawless Logic Isn’t So Flawless!
“My agency is the primary agency responsible for boat patrol in my area. One July weekend, my partner and I were just beginning an afternoon shift on the water when a boater flags us down. We make our way over expecting them to be having mechanical trouble or something. Nope. Two guys are on board and the operator tells us he wants us to write him a ticket for his expired registration. Says he was just given a warning last weekend and knew we’d catch him anyway, so might as well get it over with.
Pretty good, right?
Eventually, we put our boat on the lift and get off the water to grab dinner. While eating, we get a call from dispatch that a boater had just called in a complaint about another boat that was operating dangerously and nearly caused an accident. We make our way back there and sure enough, it’s the boat from earlier. Turns out they had asked us to write them a ticket earlier because they thought that would keep us from stopping them later after they had gotten wasted. They didn’t want that OWI!
Still not done!
This time when we stop them, there is an additional person on board. A wasted girl that they allowed to operate their boat. Check her ID. Says she’s 22, but can’t get a return on it from dispatch. It’s fake. She’s underage, they knew it. Now she’s going to jail for OWI among other things, and they are getting charged with furnishing drinks to a minor.
Good thing they got that registration ticket out of the way early!”
It Wasn’t Entrapment
“Former criminal defense attorney here. I once had a client who walked out of a hospital pharmacy, went straight to a UNIFORMED officer and tried to sell him the pain pills he just got.
My client was promptly arrested. He tried to tell me it was ‘entrapment.’
We pled him out quickly.”
Self-Incrimination At Its Finest
“I deal with stupid every day at work. But here is one that I always like to tell.
Back when I was working gang unit, we were in a residential neighborhood in East LA one night. We hear a car do a huge, long burnout. It sounded really close. We turned off our lights and waited for some shots but never heard any. Just then a car goes flying by us. We turn on the lights and go after him. He pulls over right away and starts apologizing to us saying that his foot slipped off of the clutch. Yeah, right. A burn out that long and your foot slipped?
Turns out, he had just broken up with his girlfriend and he went to her house to do the burnout in front of it. Now, the interesting thing about working gangs is we don’t do traffic or answer calls unless it is gang related. We mess with gang members. But we had to stop because of what he did and the neighborhood we were in. Since this guy wasn’t a gang member, we were going to just let him go. We hadn’t even run his license or even asked for it yet.
Now here is where it gets stupid. He looks at us and says, ‘Can I ask you something before you take me to jail?’ My partner and I look at each other, ask him for his ID, and run it. Turns out he had a $15,000 warrant for his arrest. He was seconds away from going home and ended up in jail that night.
Funny thing is, I don’t think he ever asked the question.”
All He Wanted Was His Kebab
“I had a guy who was wanted for failing to appear at court. We just had to find him, arrest him and he’d be held in custody and put before the next available court.
We rock up to his address and knock on the door, a man answers and looks surprised to see us and then very nervous.
‘Are you John XXXXX?’
‘No, my name’s David.’
We explain to him that we need to speak to John and his last address was shown as being this one.
‘Well, there’s no one here of that name, we’ve just moved in.’
We ask if he’s got any ID to prove he is who he says he is.
‘No, sorry. Everything’s in boxes,’ he says
‘Uh, even your wallet?’ ‘
Not satisfied by this we asked to see a utility bill or something with his name on it. He gets flustered and states that he hasn’t got any bills yet as he’s just moved in but goes off to try and find something. He leaves his front door open as he walks off. We have a look inside and it’s clearly a flat that’s been lived in for some time.
‘David, when did you say you moved in?’
‘Yesterday,’ he responds
‘There’s not many boxes about. You unpacked quickly’
‘Well just wanted to get it out the way.’
‘But you said everything was still boxed up…’
‘David’ at this point, starts panicking and stuttering trying to think of a response when his partner and her daughter return home. His partner immediately flies off the handle, screaming, ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE IN MY HOUSE!’ My colleague attempts to calm her down when the daughter drops an almighty clanger
‘John, what the heck is going on!?’
‘Sorry, what did you just call him?’
She seemed to know instantly that she had just messed up. She seemed to freeze for a moment and did the most pronounced blink, almost as if her brain short circuited and rebooted itself.
From there, the only thing she said was, ‘I’m not repeating myself!’ John now leans over to his partner and whispers something in her ear and then his partner just starts shouting, ‘DAVID! DAVID! DAVID!’ He had obviously told her that he had given a fake name but she lacked the subtlety to start calling him David naturally so just started shouting the name David repeatedly.
So in the middle of the woman and her daughter shouting and screaming and the neighbors coming out to see what’s going on, John just quietly holds his hands up to my colleague who arrested him and took him away.
Then, all of a sudden, the females’ behavior just changed in an instant. The partner got all emotional as if she was never going to see John/David again and the daughter went from seemingly wanting to kill me to being nice as pie, in a ‘ya got us, fair play’ type of moment.
John would later admit in the car that he knew he was wanted but didn’t expect us to show up so late and he’d just ordered a kebab to be delivered so that was the only reason he answered the door.
Poor guy never did get to eat that kebab.”
“I was working a gang unit in a large West coast city. My assigned gang was called ’18th Street.’ A guy came into the station as I was going home and said that a gangster came to his house, kicked in his door and shot at him as he chased him around the house, missed every shot, then ran away when he ran out of ammo. Seems the homeowner was the father of the gangster’s girlfriend, and the dad sent her back to Mexico since he didn’t like the crowd she was hanging out with.
We knew the gangster, he was called ‘Stomper.’ He had just turned 18, so he was an adult, and had only been arrested for a couple of petty crimes when he was a juvenile.
My partner and I came in early the next day, got our hands on some generic job applications and community outreach paperwork from our community relations, then drove to the gang neighborhood. We found one of the OGs hanging out and told him we were looking for Stomper, not to arrest him, but each gang officer had to find one guy who met all the requirements of an at-risk youth. There was an apprentice airplane mechanic job waiting for whoever turned in the paperwork first. It paid 15 bucks an hour to start, which was a lot in those days, then went up from there. There was no real job, of course.
10 minutes later, Stomper chased us down the street. We actually helped him fill out the application on the trunk of our car before we handcuffed him. The look of confusion was magnificent. I remember shutting the holding cell door while he said, ‘So you guys just made this stuff up? That’s BULL!'”
The Cop Wasn’t Even Gonna Bother…
“I was out at a client site to burn some camera footage for the police and, owing to the slow DVD burner, found myself outside having a smoke break with the detective that came to collect it.
We were shooting the bull about the weather when a homeless guy wandered up and asked for a light.
Duct-taped jacket and shoes? Check. Overpowering smell of mold, feces and burning tires? Check.
While I was doing the mental math of ‘Is this guy likely to try a runner with my Zippo in front of a cop?’ the detective produced a book of matches and told him to keep them.
The homeless guy walked ten feet away to an illegally parked Crown Vic, belonging to the cop, sat on the hood, and started emptying his pockets.
A crack pipe. Two Bic lighters, one crushed pack of menthols and a handful of plastic baggies.
Detective, elbowing me and whispering: ‘He’s lucky I have places to be.’
Finally the guy found what he was looking for, a pathetic little pinner of a joint wedged in the pack of smokes, and lit up using one of the lighters.
Detective, still whispering: ‘Bet he doesn’t even share!’
I let out a snort, which the homeless guy apparently didn’t appreciate. He looked straight at me, then straight at the cop, and…
The Flash would have lost to this 90 lb dude in duct-tape shoes. He was half a block away and around the corner before his joint stopped rolling around on the sidewalk.”
Not A Smart Defense!
“Drinking and driving trial. The defendant, whom I had arrested, chooses to represent herself.
She tries to introduce evidence during the trial, but is quickly blocked by the prosecution. The judge, maybe taking pity on the flaming train wreck that was this woman’s defense, asks to see the ‘evidence.’
It was a receipt from the bar she left before I stopped her that showed that she purchased two large margaritas.
Her whole defense was: ‘I couldn’t have been trashed after only two margaritas.’
She was found guilty.
My initial reason for stopping her was that she drove down an embankment on the side of the road to get to a McDonald’s drive thru.”
He Had To Take His Shot
“An adult establishment had told some patrons to leave but they refused to do so. Another patron told them to leave also and he ended up arguing with them, so he was also asked to leave. They all refused to leave.
We were called and because it was in an area we call a ‘Safe Night Precinct’ (SNP), it was heavily policed and we happened to be right across the road. About five cops went in and the patrons left when we told them to. We stood with the patrons on a platform halfway down the stairs in the club getting the names of the people to ban them from the SNP for ten days. There were about five cops and four patrons, three of them were together and the other was the one guy arguing with the group. The lone guy then walked toward one of the group and punched him in the face, knocking him out in front of five cops that were all recording on body cameras.
The guy who got punched ended up with a broken jaw and pins in his face, waking with no memory of the night. The lone guy was charged with grievous bodily harm.
The mind boggles at some of the idiocy we see.”
A Couple Of Criminal Masterminds
“I’m not a cop but my brother was.
He told me that this one time he took lunch at Popeye’s while in uniform except for the hat. Once inside, the cashier started taking his order then stopped half way and turned to a coworker that just walked up. I don’t remember exactly what was said but basically the guy taking my brother’s order asks the other guy if he took his weed. They other guy says yes, but he didn’t smoke it all and proceeded to hand him over the weed. The guy then says cool, not to worry, and that he’s got another stash in his car for emergencies like this.
The guys then realized my brother, standing right in front of them, was a cop. One guy said something like, ‘Not again!’
As my brother started arresting the cashier, the cashier said that he thought my brother was the security guard. So my brother is just trying to make a joke out of it says, ‘Oh you smoke pot with your security guard?’
To which the guys says, ‘No, just my manager and his buddy.’
But the really funny part was when he asked another employee there if the security guard was around, the employee said they didn’t have one and didn’t know what that cashier was talking about.”
But He Had A Great Excuse!
“I can answer this for a gentleman who was being arraigned in court.
He was picked up for dealing crack on a street corner. The police officer testified that he observed the suspect dropping something in the bushes behind him as they rolled up. After searching him and finding nothing, the officer looked through the bushes and discovered a rubber-banded bundle of little red bags each containing a crack rock.
When the judge asked the suspect to relay his side of the event, he said, ‘There ain’t no way those were mine! Everybody knows my bags are blue!'”
Smoking In The School Yard
“I was military police and this happened back in 2012. I was doing a routine building check on one of the schools on base. Due to our security posture that day, I was in full battle gear and had my weapon with me.
At 6’2″ and 220 lbs, I am an enormous person with all that body armor on. I turn the corner to check the back side of the school and see two teenagers sitting on a picnic table outside one of the doors. Mind you, this is a Saturday, so there’s nobody in the building. The kid sees me, a giant wall of weaponry, and immediately throws something under a little shed. My first thought was weed. We’re on a military base. You can’t have that stuff. So I ask the kid what he just threw, and he immediately starts crying. The girl he was with had such a bewildered look on her face at the sight of him breaking down like that. Admittedly, I was also a bit surprised. The girl was 16 and the guy was 15. She told me that it was just a smoke, so I made the boy fish it out from under the shed. Sure enough, it was just a Camel Crush, not even broken yet.
‘Are your parent’s home?’ I asked the boy. He shook his head. ‘You live on base, right? Go smoke these in your dad’s garage. It’s Saturday, anyway. Why are you here on school property? I’m not going to arrest you.’
Suddenly he stopped crying and started praising me for being ‘the coolest cop ever’ and thanking me for not bringing him in. As if smoking was a huge deal on a military base full of nuclear weapons.”
Racing A Cop
“I’m not a cop, but I witnessed this first hand.
I was on the highway coming back from Myrtle Beach when I saw a black Charger pull beside a dark grey Mustang and do the whole ‘wanna race’ accelerate and slow down thing. The Charger kicks it and takes off…and the Mustang flips on blue lights and takes off right after him.
Now, I don’t know if this is the case for everyone, but in my neck of the woods, undercover cops are almost always in Chargers. Definitely wasn’t expecting the Mustang to be the police.”
Messing With Horses
“I was behind the idiot who did it in front of the cop.
Near my mom’s house is a bunch of horse property, so it’s normal to see the guys go by on their horses. I was behind a black SUV and see a police car parked facing the street. The idiot in the SUV slowed down, just to veer toward and rev his engine at the horses. One was calm, but the other was freaking out. The cop’s sirens came on so fast, it surprised me.
The guy got his horse under control and the idiot in the SUV got pulled over.”