As humans, it's nice to think we all abide by the same unspoken rules that help us live in a functional society. However, every once in a while you see someone doing something that makes you question everything you knew about humanity. Here are some of those moments.
I was downtown once and saw a man eating a whole rotisserie chicken off a baby changing station in a men’s bathroom, straight out of the little clear plastic tray it came in. With his hands. The guy didn’t look homeless or anything either.
A man on the subway casually took a halved lime out of his sock, squeezed the juice into his hands, rubbed it on his face and neck, and then put the half back in his sock as if nothing has happened.
I once saw a guy, with a camping grill in the passenger seat, making pancakes while driving his little Pontiac as fast as it could muster down a busy highway.
I was caught by one of my employees at work… eating a bag of cheetos with chopsticks. I thought the lack of orange fingers was brilliant…
Peel and All
Eating an orange like an apple. Peel and all. She was just sitting at her desk at work eating that orange like an apple as if she wasn’t a total psychopath.
My friend used to like the smell of pencils. But not just plain pencils, pencils that had been in the oven for a while. It would be weird to walk into a room and he’d be sniffing hot pencils.
I once saw an elderly woman at our storage unit. She walked in with a handful of letters and when she opened her locker there was nothing inside but a heap of unopened letters that was almost as tall as she was. We left before she did and she apparently had parked next to us, because there was a car that had the interior completely filled with mail. There was literally only a small space for the driver everything else all the way to the ceiling was mail.
Walked in on my roommates injecting a syringe (no needle) of vodka into each other’s butts. Open front door. Pants around one’s ankles. Other one was forcing the syringe in. Deer in headlights look for both.
I used to play with this one kid in my apartment building, and one time, I came by his place at the usual time, only to find him sniffing something/ dipping his fingers in and licking something in an old Ponds cold cream jar. I ask him what he’s doing only to find his mouth covered in feces. This kid was pooping in the jar and then eating it. Safe to say I told his rather negligent mom and never hung out with him again. I was 8 years old and still get grossed out thinking about it 23 years later…
In college, I walked in on my roommate in the bathroom giving himself a nipple piercing with a paper clip.
Swiss is a preference
My father saw this, but he worked at some Amish cheese factory or somethin’, but one day he just saw a guy pick up some cheese and make love to it. He just went at it like there was no tomorrow.
My dad refuses to eat any cheese. It’s been 23 years since that happened.
Where my dogs at?
I was the one who got caught… I was listening to a lot of DMX at the time and was practicing barking like him and practicing his raspy voice in what I thought was an empty room in my office. My coworker pokes his head around the corner and says “are you…barking?”
Man in the mirror
Park ranger here. Part of my responsibilities are to lock bathrooms after the parks close. Walked into a single stall bathroom to find a small, approximately 50 year old Asian man in this bathroom. He was 100% naked, staring into the mirror, vigorously beating off. As soon as I walked into the room, he turned around, looked at me, then turned back to the mirror and continued.
Had no idea what to do. They don’t train you for this stuff.
Worked at a factory, was taking a dump, opened the stall door when I was finished and I see this coworker who was kind of a nutty older guy. Anyway we had these big round metal fountain style sinks in the middle of the floor. So he is standing there wearing his work pants and his shirt is off and he is fully lathering up his whole body with soap and water. I’m just looking at him like what the… ? Finally I say, “We can’t shower in here man.”
Turns out a hydraulic hose had burst soaking him in fluid. He was just trying to clean it off while someone fetched a company picnic t-shirt from a box in the office that he could wear home.
It was really funny though, I really thought he had finally cracked.
I used to deliver pizza in Seattle, downtown. Cool job, got to know the whole city. As you probably know, it rains here often.
There’s a stretch of old highway 99, aka Aurora Ave, just barely North of downtown where the road starts to change from a highway into a city street. Old hotel there that has too many stories for comfort. Also, importantly, a dip in the road over by the curb where rainwater would pool during heavy precipitation.Puddle Man would stand right there, on the corner, in the rain. Right next to the fast moving highway and the large pool of rainwater on the road. We saw him all the time. Puddle Man was fat – really fat, and he wore a yellow rain slicker with the hood up. Sometimes he was under an umbrella. You know, because he didn’t want to get rained on. Pretty sensible. Oh, except he forgot to button the rain slicker up. And he forgot to wear pants.
Puddle Man would stand right there for hours, in the perfect spot to get COMPLETELY SOAKED by the huge bow waves of water that would be splashed up by all the cars driving past. Calmly, facing the street, no expression on his face, rain bouncing from his hood or umbrella. Just letting the waves wash over him as car after car _fwoomed_through his puddle.It was weird, but it was awesome. It looked fun! I and the other pizza drivers would swerve toward him a little, just to get deeper into the dip and make a bigger wave. I almost knocked him off his feet during one particularly heavy downpour. I like to think that he appreciated that. He never seemed to get tired of it.
I was waiting in my car to pick up my boyfriend from campus and a guy was making his way across the otherwise empty sidewalk gesticulating wildly while conversing angrily with a squirrel.
The squirrel was following him and every few feet he turned around to yell at it. It would stop and listen but every time he tried to walk off the squirrel resumed following him and the whole cycle would start over. It was amazing. I’ll never forget it.
Owl watch out for you
A little girl in tears was screaming at an owl to bring her mommy back.
I walked in on my sister completely naked, wearing only flippers and a snorkel. IN WINTER.
In middle school, I was kind of a nerd. I had a lot of clout with the teachers, and would often get handed their keys without supervision because they knew I wasn’t going to cause trouble.
8th grade, after school, I needed to get into the science storage room for something. I couldn’t find the teacher that normally had the keys anywhere – Mr. V. Anyway, I went up to the office and one of the ladies gave me the key.
I made my way back to the science room, and then to the back of the room where the storage room door was. I thought I heard giggling. I figured it was nothing, so I opened the door with the key. What I saw was the most bizarre display… I couldn’t make it up if I tried. There was Mr. V, between the steel wire shelves, with his pants around his ankles, an Erlenmeyer Flask on his erect penis, and a test tube up to his forehead like a unicorn. He turned around and saw me, dropped the test tube (which shattered), and hopped to the back of the room, yelling “SHUT THE DOOR, AVIDIST!!”
Needless to say I shut the door.
He resigned at the end of that semester. I don’t know what the f*ck he was doing, but that image will be forever burned in my mind.
I was in the bathroom at work when a man maybe in his 30s or 40s entered. While I was washing my hands he cupped his under the automatic soap dispenser, filled them with soap, and put the handful of soap into his mouth. He just kinda swooshed it around before swallowing it, doing that satisfied lip smack thing, and walked out of the bathroom.
Deer in headlights
I caught somebody walking in on me masturbating.
Caught my brother making out with a poster sized photo of Marilyn Monroe.
10-11 yr old boy jacking off in the frozen section of a grocery store.
Not necessarily in the act but scrolling through my amazon fire sticks photos, which all of my families kindles and amazon products are connected, found nude pictures of my brother that he didn’t realize got uploaded to the cloud…
I work for the fire department and we had to cut off a stick shift handle of a manual transmission car because a girl tried to masturbate on the “T” handle stick shift and got stuck on it. It was real tough to keep a straight face throughout.
Was at some beach when I was like 10 years old, walked into the change room / toilets to find some naked 60 year old man standing on top of some benches slathering shampoo all over his body. I just 180’d it out of there and told my brother to go inside, he came out with the biggest “WTF” face ever.
Got an apartment with a guy I knew from high school. I walked in on him painting my bicycle with a paintbrush. “What are you doing with my bike?” I asked. “Oh it’s yours? I found it in the back porch.. I was going to sell it.” He retorted. “You can’t sell my bike!” —-“Don’t worry, I’ll split the money with you.”
Friend of mine spent the night. He woke me up because he was humping the spare mattress. I acted like it wasn’t happening. A year later, he stayed over again. I was playing Star Wars Galaxies and he was on my bed watching 2 Fast 2 Furious. Dude started humping the mattress again. While I was maybe 3 feet away and still awake.
Like I had better movies to hump a mattress too, man.
Caught my step brother once. Had his ankles by his ears, a**hole in the air. He had caked himself in baby powder and was farting, laughing at the clouds that it made.
He was 15.
I was at a house party and we all crashed in the living room afterwards. I woke up early in the AM to get some water and as I am walking back to my couch I see my friend pissing on his wife as she sleeps on a recliner. She wakes up and says “Did you piss on me? Not again! You can’t do this in someone else’s house!”
Girl sitting next to me in class was pushing mechanical pencil lead through her ear piercings, collecting the gross stuff that came out the other side and then eating it. I think she thought she was being discreet.
Was watching a mom and her son at a local grocery store. The kid was looking at the candy in the bulk section. He untwisted a wrapper, and threw a piece of candy in his mouth. The mom told him to get the piece of candy out of his mouth or he would have to pay for it. The kid popped it back into the wrapper, twisted the ends like it had never been opened, and threw it back in the bin. This is why I don’t buy bulk candy.
I was walking up to a friends place, and looked through the window and saw his roommate, sitting alone in the semi-darkness, chugging ranch dressing from the bottle. He saw me see him drinking it.
He put it down very quickly, and I went and knocked. The roommate answered the door, and I just pretended I hadn’t seen him and never said anything about it to him to this day.
Better than lemon pledge
When I was 16 my parents hired a women to come clean the house twice a week. One morning I walked in the kitchen right as she was squatting, pants around her ankles, peeing on the floor. Later she told my mom she didn’t like to use other people’s toilets.
That’s not what the bathroom is for
I was in college at the time living on a dorm and I went to the bathroom to poop. I’m sitting in the far stall when another guy on my hall goes into the stall next to mine. Next thing I know, he’s making these weird grunting sounds. I didn’t really know what was going on at the time until he made these weird sputtering sounds, like a lawn mower starting up.
After he was done sputtering, he says, “Oh, man! That was the best orgasm ever.”
He didn’t even know I was in the stall next to him. I don’t know how. I sat there in terrified silence while he unrolls way too much toilet paper and then left and washed his hands. I sat there for another twenty minutes or so in disbelief before I finally left the bathroom.
What did that bag ever do?
I once saw a man in a blue and white striped nightdress walking along the road picking up horse manure and putting it in a grocery bag. Then he lifted up his nightdress to reveal that he was not wearing anything under it, and started urinating into said grocery bag. I don’t even know.
The hero we need
I lived in Vegas for a while and one day I was driving along Koval Lane, a road that parallels Las Vegas Boulevard behind the casinos. As I was waiting on a red light, a young black man came waking up the sidewalk to my right where there was a small area landscaped with several large rocks arranged in sort of a circle. As the young man reached this rock circle, he suddenly stopped and took on a Bruce Lee Enter the Dragon sort of stance. Then he reached over his head with both hands and pulled out the most magnificent imaginary ninja sword the world has never actually seen. With the grace of a ballerina he commenced to kill no less than eight imaginary bad guys before my very eyes. After this bloody slaughter, he calmly returned his sword to its sheath and continued walking as if nothing happened. It was amazing.
A couple of random memories
I was pregnant at the time (this was about eight years ago) and to make some money, I would nanny for people. This was before smart phones so my husband and I had to share one of those flip razor phones. Anyway, I nannied for this couple that had two kids under the age of five. While they were down for a nap I decided to go on the mom’s laptop to check my Facebook. When I opened the laptop I saw a page open that was a dating site made for lesbians. I just sat there shocked. Not that she was possibly a lesbian, just at the fact that she was most likely having an affair on her husband. A couple of days after that she fired me. She must of figured out I went on her laptop because she probably saw “Facebook” in her history.
And another time I was around five…so the memory is kind if blurry but I was grocery shopping with my mom. I use to be kind of a little terror. While she was at the meat counter I would go and push those doors that swung back and forth to head into the back of the store. Well this one time when I pushed the door it swung open to this man standing there furiously tugging on himself. I had no idea what he was doing (since I was only five) but he flipped out and slammed the door shut. For some reason that memory stuck with me and I didn’t know or understand what he was doing until I learned all about that stuff in sex education. The guy was beating his meat, figuratively and literally.
Comments have been edited for clarity.