People change. Falling in and out of love is not an uncommon thing, especially as people go through different phases of their life. To stay connected on an intimate and physical level with someone requires time, patience, and most importantly, consistent EFFORT. Unfortunately, these Quora users know what it feels like to 'fall out of love'as they share their experiences online.
“He just seemed so pure. He was humble despite all of his major achievements. He was kind, gentle, and always smiling. He seemed a little shy, and he was as smart as me. He seemed perfect based on all of those points. I thought I had found ‘THE’ ultimate best friend. (No, I wasn’t in love with him).
We grew closer and closer. It came to the point where we would be talking about endless hours every day. We did almost everything together. We went to different schools and would visit each other’s school often to see each other. I met his closest friends, and he met mine. We’d go to each other’s places, and we’d cook for each other etc. Basically, whatever your idea of the ideal best friends is, we were exactly that.
After almost 2 years of sharing an awesome friendship, I realized that it was all a masquerade. I discovered that he would often text my friends while we were talking, or while I was over to his place and tell them how he couldn’t get rid of me when he was the one who was inviting me over and starting conversations. He spilled most of my secrets to our friends and to some other strangers, too. He used me because, somehow, he felt superior to me (although we were both the top of our classes in our respective schools).
By then, I had completely integrated into his group of friends. I started telling them about my observations and how his ‘mask’ was starting to wear off. Slowly (and with a lot of difficulties), they finally started revealing the various cases of betrayal and downright pain that they had also suffered because of this guy, and how they were also still dealing with the scars he had left behind on them.
As a group, we went through two months where his every breath was a constant drama. It was like waking up from a long sleep. Everything was about glorifying him and placing him on top of our social ladder. We were all confused as to where the mask ended and where the real ‘him’ started. After long hours of conversation, a few useless dramas, and a few fights (non-physical except for a few slaps), we decided to just let him exit from our lives. It was the best decision that we ever made.
No, I don’t regret what happened because, in the end, I met some of the best people in my life. I also had some of my best experiences/teenage years with them all. I also gained a lot in terms of maturity and wisdom. I learned to distinguish between various types of people, and I now know who to trust and who not to trust.
If you have someone toxic in your life, don’t just try and ‘fix’ them. Instead, let them go because it will truly be one of the best decisions that you can make. So, keep smiling and spread the happiness.”
“When you genuinely care about someone, you make sure that you are available to them almost all of the time. You become vulnerable and share things. I prioritized someone else over my own duties, and I loved that person more than I loved myself. I listened to their constant ‘all-about-me’ talks as they mulled over the happenings in their life.
When you are attached intimately to someone, the world seems boring and mundane. The only thing you want to hear about is that person bragging and churning their life events out into your ears and mind as you chew and digest them, day in and day out, without giving a toss about your own exams, assignments, or work.
All of this garbage affection I had was just burned down when I slowly (but painfully) realized that I was an option and not a priority in their life. If someone matters then you make time for them. It hurts when you realize that you weren’t as important to someone as you thought you were. Remember, nobody is too busy, it’s just a matter of priorities.”
“I finally dropped my affection for someone quite recently. It was this month in fact. What made me finally drop my affection for him was that I finally realized that he was actually poisonous to me and my friendships.
I’d been friends with this boy in my friendship group for quite a whîle now and had been actually fading in and out of developing something similar to a ‘crush’ on him. He was smart, funny, and kind of cute also. I’d thought he was a role model that I should look up to.
Slowly as I got older and my friendship with him progressed, I began to notice some unpleasant things about him. He’d often complain about other people quite horribly behind their backs, say harsh and hurtful things to people’s faces then excuse himself by calling it all banter, refusal to be proven wrong, and reacting childishly to constructive criticism, etc. I began to sense that something might be off about his personality.
Things began to get worse after a year. The friendship group we had created together was beginning to fall apart, and people began leaving. I realized that something similar to bullying had been going on despite having taken part in some of it myself (much to my dismay when I realized what I had done). Perhaps what was more shocking was that he had been the ringleader behind all of those incidents. He had been the one influencing the majority of the group to act the way that we did.
Finally, things came to somewhat of a climax because he had betrayed me and used my own words against me to sour my relationship with a friend. Although at the time, I was perhaps more focused on resolving the issue at hand, I realize now just what role he had played in all of this. He had pretended to be a supporting person to the other friend while making me seem like an unreasonable and horrible person when what I had said was no more than something stupidly uttered in a moment of anger and poor judgment.
Sounds toxic, right? Things kept going on-and-off with him for a while with some of our friends still viewing him through rose-tinted glasses while others saw his true nature and began to distance themselves from him until, eventually, he saw that he could no longer deceive us and left the group.But do you know what really made me mad about him?He was never brave enough to acknowledge his mistakes. Even until now, he still acts as if he was some kind of an innocent victim that never did anything wrong. Nowadays, I try not to think about him, but it that’s still a little hard considering we share quite a few classes and were in the same tutor group. Disillusionment really is painful.”
“I knew she had a problem with partying. I wasn’t too sure about her substance habits, but it wasn’t a surprise to learn about them as well. I made it a point very early in my adulthood to not get entangled romantically in the lives of people with addiction issues because I knew it could get very messy. Still, I had a soft spot for her. It wasn’t a romantic attraction per se, but one that definitely felt very protective of her.
Then, a few weeks ago, she texted me and started going into detail about a hookup she had just had. It was the first time that she had ever done anything like that and as I was sort of in the throes of a really dark depression at that time, it was the absolute last thing I wanted to hear about. Affection and intimacy, as well as the touch of a loving soul who loves you back is really something that I would so desperately love to have, instead of feeling like a prisoner of my own mind and this dark, dark chasm of depression. I told her I really didn’t want to hear about it and that was that.
She sent me a text later that day apologizing and saying how she was just messed up at the time when she had sent me them, didn’t mean to say any of those things to me, how she thought I was someone else, and not to tell anyone else about her actions. (The texting that went down was around 8 AM on a Monday morning, so her admission to being messed up when she had texted me broke my heart). She had been perpetuating this myth that she was clean and sober for some time, but this was no relapse, the sobriety was a ruse and a deception which she had been telling others.
I feel for her. I really do, but she has a disease and that disease is more important to her than any other person. I have to be protective of myself and my spirit. It was the final straw. I cannot ache for her anymore. She needs help, but if she doesn’t want it then there’s nothing I can do but wish her well.
I’ll always be her friend, and I’ll always be here for her. But sometimes you have to walk away or pull back, and sometimes that is one of the most painful things you’ll ever have to do. My door will always be open for her, but she has to come through it herself. I can’t do it all.”
“I fell in love with a man who was 10 years older than me when I was 22. Being with him made me feel glamorous and pretty, but most of all, it also made me feel needed and wanted. We dated a lot and went out with many of his older friends who liked to gossip and talk about old cars and golf. There was always drinking involved, so I was hammered most of these times. But being so young, it seemed that was supposed to be a part of becoming an adult. Besides in those days, dressing up was a big deal, and I loved getting all fluffed up for a long night of carousing, drinking, joking, and laughing till it hurt. It felt good getting a lot of attention from waiters and bartenders who knew my ‘manfriend.’ I never had to pay for anything, but the feminist living inside of me would sometimes insist on adding to the tips.
About a year into our relationship, he asked me with red wine breath to marry him. Of course, through my own White Russian on the rocks breath, I said, ‘Yes.’ How could I not?’ In reflection, I had been schnockered into it. At the time, it felt right (or as right and natural as boozy love could feel).
He seemed to change after my acceptance by getting more and more possessive and wanting to be with me all of the time. I started to notice that he would always have one drink in one hand, and another drink in the other. At first, I drank along with him. But then I started to feel tired a lot and had dreams to pursue so his drinking started to bother me. I started to refuse drinks, or I would just let them sit next to the ones I had already been working on. He didn’t seem to notice anything. Although, it was becoming quite clear to me that this darling, charismatic, and handsome man had a drinking problem (but heck, I was in love with him). There wasn’t anything I could do about it at this point, nor did I want to do anything about it. Then…
We went to bed so intoxicated. We passed out before the bed could even stop spinning. In the morning, I desperately needed lots of water and some Aspirin. He wasn’t in the bed, so I could ask him where the aspirin was. Cross-eyed, thirsty, and looking like a desert rat climbing out of a windstorm, I quietly went into the kitchen. He didn’t know I was there in the doorway watching him guzzle from the bottle. Horrified, I asked him, ‘What are you doing?’ ‘There wasn’t any in the fridge,’ he said, ‘I need some hair of the dog that bit me.’ He wasn’t making much sense to me.
Even though I consumed as much as he did the night before, I only felt tired, hungry, had a little headache, and was really thirsty. I hadn’t experienced a real hangover yet. He stumbled over to me and planted a big old slobbery kiss on my mouth and continued to gulp down more. I felt sick, like I was going to barf up that fantastic expensive dining experience we had had. The smell coming from his body and breath was putrid. It was like a corpse whose bowels were opened up after dying of some parasite infection. I was awake by then, in more ways than one. I was repulsed, disgusted, and couldn’t wait to get away from him.
Just like that, I fell out of love. For a few weeks, I tried to get the message across that I didn’t like him drinking. I actually stopped drinking with him, but he still continued. Then again, one day when we were sitting on a couch together facing each other’s face, I smelled his rancid tequila breath full force in my nostrils. The decision was made, right then and there. I told him that I couldn’t marry him because of his drinking and asked him to leave. He didn’t really understand, but he gulped down his beverage and drove home. Oh yeah, he would also drink and drive.
We slowly weaned ourselves off of each other as difficult as it was as I still cared about him a lot, but I couldn’t see my future with him without drinking taking all love and caring away. Needless to say, I didn’t want to stay because then I’d have to always drink with him in order to not be repulsed by his behavior and smell.
This was 1972. I went on to a successful career and pursued my own education without him. He had other women friends, his old cars, and partying. We never ever drank together again. The last I had heard of him, he was somewhere on an island doing construction and flying airplanes. Through the grapevine, I heard that in 2004 my kind, lovely, fun ‘manfriend’ and almost-husband died because of the abuse he put his body through. He was only 65. I still cared about him and will miss him forever.”
“I finally realized that he was just using me for his own benefits. We were friends for more than 5 years. Back then, one of my biggest weakness was my inability to say ‘No.’ I could never say ‘No’ to anyone. I was an extreme people pleaser and also a little naive (perhaps). He knew it and played me for it.
I was generous and probably kind. Yes, that’s the word for it… Kind. I always helped my friends whenever they asked. He would call me during the early hours of the night demanding help, and I would rush to aid him. From bringing home to nursing his hangover and taking care of him, I’ve done it all and with no complaints. I was the first person he would call up whenever he needed something. It wasn’t that I was readily available, but I would always make time for him. He was on my priority list.
One day, when I needed his presence the most, I had just lost my best friend to cancer, and I needed someone to talk to. I had no one beside me, and I was depressed. That’s when I tried reaching out to him frantically, and he was too busy for me.’I’m busy, and I’ll catch up with you later,’ he replied curtly when I broke down on the phone. No word of sympathies, no sorry, and no condolences. He cut the call short and cold.
He reappeared back in my life many months after I had already picked myself back up asking for another favor. That’s when I finally decided that I had enough, and I cut him loose from my life. ‘I’m busy, I’ll catch up with you later.’ But I never did, instead, I left that friendship midway hanging because I knew that I deserved better.
Let’s face it. Nobody likes to be used. I have been used countless times by people (some beyond my awareness). Now, every time I get into any kind of relationships/ friendships, I just drop them like hot potatoes if I find myself being used. If someone genuinely asks me to help them then I might do it. However, don’t think I wouldn’t start to notice if they were taking advantage of me because now I can always when it’s happening. It hurts to feel used.”
Taken For Granted change
“I lose affection for someone when they start to take the relationship for granted, and they start to ignore me. I’m not letting what happened to me be justified because we were in middle/high school. The first was a kinda crap long-distance relationship where we only talked via Skype and only saw each other in person during my school dances (where we were allowed to bring people from other schools). We were both in the eighth grade. After a couple of months, I would make an effort to Skype him and talk, which didn’t happen much since I was quite busy around that time, and he would always ask if he could play Xbox games and Skype with his friends instead (if he wasn’t already doing so). After that, I decided to break it off with him.”
“I was in a relationship for 16 months with a guy in high school. Truthfully, I’m not sure why it even lasted as long as it did. He wasn’t a bad person per se, but he was terrible at showing me that he cared. The few times that he did, it was always very self-centered. He was also addicted to video games.
We began dating after being close friends for almost a year, had our first fight two months in, and fought seriously once every month or so for the remainder of our relationship. These fights were mainly due to some major incompatibility issues, and they weren’t really any one of our faults. After 16 months, it just wasn’t working, so we broke up but remained friends. Although, we were both still attracted to each other.
My attraction for him died a few months after we broke up and his computer had broken, so there were no more video games for him to play until it got fixed. At this point, he told me that now that he was forced to talk to me instead of play games all the time, he had never realized he liked talking to me.
I quickly realized I had wasted 2 and a half years (including before and after we had dated) of my life on someone who didn’t even like talking to me. That’s when my attraction towards him ended.”
Posts are edited for clarity.