Kids these days are always getting up to something… Swinging the Wii controller at the TV, washing the dog with dish soap, eating dog food just to see what it tastes like – the list goes on and on. But every once in a while a kid does something that puts even the most confident and relaxed parent into a tizzy.
Parents on Reddit were asked: “What is the weirdest or creepiest thing you found out about your child, but you never will tell them that you found out?” These are some of the best answers.
After dating my significant other for a couple months, his 5-year-old daughter and I were sitting on the couch together. She started to rub my stomach and said she wished I was her real mom. The creepy part was, she followed it up with, “Maybe we could cut your stomach open and put me inside, then we can sew you back up and wait until I pop out.” Yeah it was sweet in a very very creepy way.
I was running late coming home from work by a few hours one day. My wife couldn’t get hold of me and was beginning to worry. Then my 3-year-old son went to the window and said, “I see daddy in the car!” My wife went to the window and no one was there. When my wife asked him where I was, he responded, “He’s a ghost.” Then he smiled and walked away.
We were preparing for our first beach trip, and I was trying to explain to my daughter, then about 2, about the beach. I said something like “It’s a lot of sand, and big blue water!” And she said, I’ll never forget it, so matter of factly: “I know what a beach is. I was there a long time ago, before I was in your tummy.”
My daughter use to always stir water in her cup with her index finger. I thought she liked to watch the water go around. She was also notorious for stealing other people’s water. One day I take a drink of MY water and it tasted funny. I checked for back wash and saw nothing.
Later I aw her stirring that cup, which I had left on the coffee table, and asked her stop sticking her fingers in other people’s cups. I asked, “Why do you do that anyways?”
“I like to stick my finger in my butt and drink the water.”
I will never tell her she use to drink butt water and liked if. From then on, whenever I saw her sniffing her fingers, I’d yell at her to wash her hands. Kids are gross.
When my daughter was 6, she collected dead things. It was mostly insects, but she tried to bring home dead mammals a few times. That’s where I drew the line.
My wife and I have a back massager. When my son was around 12, he left the dinner table to go to the bathroom. The ceiling started vibrating 10 minutes later. Our master bedroom was right above the dining room, so I went upstairs to check, only to find him… having his way with the massager. Without being seen, I just went back downstairs and explained to our dinner guests that we’ve been having an electrical problem.
My son is 2.5, so we have many, many years of creepy ahead.
The other day, he was rolling around on the floor in the living room, doing these really weird looking somersault moves.
“Whatcha doing, bud?”
“Just trying to bite my penis.”
“Oh. Well…be careful…”
A few years ago, my daughter had signs of…something being wrong. We weren’t sure what, so we took her to the doctor, who tells us she has a double ear infection. That’s about what we thought it was, since she’d failed to notify us that she was in intense ear pain before, and those spread.
This one’s bad enough it needs to be flushed out. The doctor does the one ear without incident. When he goes to do the second ear, there’s a hard mass of wax that’s preventing anything from happening. EVERYTHING is locked up in there; nothing’s going in or out, and the doctor’s thinking we need an X-ray. On the X-ray, a little tiny circle shows up.
It’s a hearing aid battery. My wife has hearing aids, and my daughter saw her put the batteries “into her ear” to hear better. So she had gone into my wife’s purse and put a whole battery into her freaking eardrum! She ended up needing very minor surgery to get it out before it leaked acid onto her brain.
Once day I found out my son was getting bullied by three other boys. I was going to call the school about it but my husband told me not to. I can only assume he told our son to fight them…
The day after my son came home from school all smiles. I asked him if the other kids were still giving him trouble and he just laughed and said, “No, not anymore”. Meanwhile, I saw my husband’s reflection in the mirror. He had his arms crossed any he was nodding, probably thinking, “That’s my boy”
A few days pass and I think nothing of it. Then my son gets a virus on his computer and asks me if I can use my personal laptop while my husband gets rid of the virus. I told him sure, and logged him in. He used it for a few hours until my husband fixed the computer, then he shut down the laptop and gave it back to me.
Later that night when I went on Facebook, I noticed my son forgot to log out of his account. I know I shouldn’t snoop, but I was too tempted, so I looked at his messages. I saw he sent a message to the three boys that were bullying him, and I read it. The message was along the lines of, “Hey Chris did you cry today because you saw my teeth necklace?”. Then he added a photo of this string with a bunch of his baby teeth tied to it, his “necklace” I assume.
So, I found out my son wears a teeth necklace to school.
When I told my husband he just laughed. Typical.
On Christmas Eve, I heard my 3-year-old daughter say, “Don’t worry. You’ll go down in history.”
I came around the corner to see what she was up to. She was in front of her play kitchen, stirring the frying pan.
In the frying pan was the head of a Rudolph the reindeer toy.
My 10-year-old son recently insisted on watching Twilight. About an hour in, he dreamily sighed and murmured: “I wish I were Bella.”
I went into my 6-year-old son’s room around 10 o’clock at night when he was supposed to be asleep because I could see from the hallway that he was using a flashlight. Turns out he was naked from the waist down and was shining the flashlight through the skin of his scrotum to make his room glow a soft red color.
My son is 5. His aunt took him to the mall shopping last weekend. When he came home he whispered to me, “I spied on [auntie] when she was getting changed. She is HAIRY.”
I’ll be reminding him of that in approximately 10 years.
My son draws his dreams in great detail. He only draws the ones that bother him. His last few have been related to objects in the sky with odd looking occupants.
What’s even more odd is sometimes his dreams line up with mine.
I was in the car with my daughters and my best friend. I told my oldest (3 yrs) to buckle her car straps “so they will keep you safe.”
She deadpans, “It’s ok, we are all going to die.”
Conversation with my daughter when she was 2:
Me: “What do you want for breakfast honey?”
Me: “Nooo, what–”
Her: “Can I eat the baby?”
She then goes and grabs her baby doll and proceeds to slam it in the oven. It wouldn’t have been so bad if she didn’t scream “SHUT UP!” at it when the doll started ‘crying.’
Just last night my two-year-old daughter pulled her shirt over her head and started running around in her room, bumping into her dresser, her bed, her closet. When I asked her what she was doing, she shrieked, “Playing meatball!”
I once found a capped half-full bottle of murky yellowish liquid near the bathroom sink. I uncapped it and took a whiff. Smelled like urine… and mint! When I asked my 4-year old son about it he told me, “I wanted to be like Bear Grylls (an adventurer) so I peed in the bottle and drinked it but it tasted… really not good… so I put some toothpaste in it and shaked it, and tasted it again, but it was still yucky so I didn’t drink it.”
My daughter would draw pictures & give them to me, “So you’ll remember me when I’m dead.”
I looked like the most uncaring mom because it happened so often I’d look at it and say “Okay. Thank you.” The daycare teachers would gasp.
I was talking to my wife about needing to update our wills since we’d moved house, and I jokingly said to our 1-year-old, “That means if Mummy and Daddy die, you get all our stuff!” He looked at both of us, his eyes shifting back and forth thoughtfully, then slowly smiled.
When my little girl was born, she had a period. Aged about 1 day. Something about hormones going wrong.
The first real noises that my baby daughter learned to make, other than crying of course, were growls.
We found out in the middle of the night. Through the baby monitor.
I recently bought my son a Nintendo 3Ds. They have cameras on them, which my son was super excited about because he’s never had anything with a camera on it before. He took it everywhere with him, and was constantly taking pictures of family and friends, as well as our pets. Well I found this to be adorable! I thought, “Aww, that was the best $130 I ever spent.”
One day, while he was at school, I pulled out his SIM card so that I could insert it into the computer and look at all his pics. My husband and I were ohhing and ahhing over the pictures and saying how good a photographer he was. Until we got to a series of pictures that I never thought would have existed. My son had taken his DS into the bathroom, and decided to take ten pictures of his butt while he was in the process of pooping! Seriously. It was ten close up shots of his poopy butt! I guess he jumped off the toilet mid poop and crouched over top of his DS and frantically started taking pictures.
Well, I obviously had to delete these as they could by misconstrued in certain situations, and I made sure to never allow my son to take his DS into the bathroom with him again. I probably wouldn’t have cared, but I could have gotten in big trouble had those pictures been found by a teacher or something (he is notorious for sneaking toys to school) so I definitely couldn’t completely ignore it. Oh and he is seven by the way. A very experimental seven.
I once walked in and listened for a good 30-45 seconds as my 4-year-old daughter carried on a conversation where Barbie was leaving Ken because he was an abusive deadbeat. Ken was alternately pleading and threatening Barbie, complete with name calling and accusations. Barbie sounded angry, but calm.
The depth of her understanding of the situation weirded me out. We don’t let them watch Springer and my wife and I never fought like that, even in private.
Walked into my three year old’s room to find him seated at his toy piano, buck naked except for a necktie and a pirate hat, playing and singing his heart out. I thought to myself, “wherever this kid goes, it’s gonna be a party.”