Have you ever wondered what you would do if you ruled the world? Would you do like Nas and Lauryn Hill would and ‘free all [your] sons’? Okay, so in this case of this article you don’t rule the entire free world but you do have the power to criminalize even the littlest petty things.
Ask Redditors responded to the question, “If you were a dictator, what is the pettiest thing that would be punishable?”
Find the original content thread at the end of the article.
Cutting in a line. I don’t give a damn if it’s the elementary school lunch line, you’re getting you will be punished little Johnny.
People putting their used gum on things. If you’ve been chewing the damn thing for so long what’s a minute more to find a proper place to throw it away? Public execution for putting it on anything in a grocery store you are not buying.
Using a tea covered spoon to get sugar from the pot. I don’t want to have to sift through lumps of crusty brown sugar.
Pissing on the toilet seat in a public bathroom and not cleaning it.
Forcing yourself on to the bus/tram/train before people have properly gotten off.
This includes elevators.
Putting your plate in a sink when it still has food on it.
Leaving a toilet clogged when the plunger is RIGHT THERE.
Forwarding those annoying texts/emails/posts that say something like “Send this to your 5 best friends in the next 10 seconds or you’ll wake up with no legs!”
Trash out a car window, for sure.
Second is probably groups of power walkers or whatever who like to go to beautiful quiet areas and scream office gossip at one another so they can hear over their headphones.
Driving very slowly until the light turns yellow then slamming the gas so you’re the only one that gets through. Immediate penalty, if a civilian executes you before the police get to you they get free ice cream for a year.
Taking a phone call while we’re watching TV and asking me to turn it down. It’s a cell phone, there’s no cord. Find a different room.
Leaving a perishable food item in a random aisle of the grocery store.
When the person in line before you waits till they get to the register to decide what to order.
Finishing the coffee that is shared in a common area and not starting a new pot.
If you use more than one parking space for your vehicle.
Inviting me to Facebook groups that involve selling your pyramid scheme products.
Sneezing into your hand and then immediately opening a door.
Not clearing the microwave of unused time.
Having more than 12 items in your cart for the express lane.
“Oh, sorry, I miscounted.”
Lies lady! You just wanted to checkout faster.
People who wear too much perfume or cologne on public transit.
One of my history professors was a huge movie buff, every Tuesday (we met Tuesdays and Thursdays) he would always ask what movies we saw that weekend. After we had all listed off what movies we had seen (only the ones in theaters, if we watched “Rubber” on Netflix for the fifth week in a row, he didn’t really care), he would list the five or six that he saw the previous week.
Anyway, one day we got on the topic of what we would do if we won the lottery. He wanted to open up an old style movie theatre, with the curtain covering the screen (before screening, obviously), and posh seating, the works. Kids under ten would not be allowed in. In addition, he would hire a squadron of ushers. If one of them saw a twinkle from a phone, or heard the slight buzz of the alert, they would find whoever the culprit was, and move them to a glass box by the exit. The box of shame, he called it. These offenders would be the last to leave, and other patrons would be instructed to either yell or laugh at the people in the box of shame.
He was a great professor. He wanted to name every single one of his kids after Theodore Roosevelt (then again, who wouldn’t?). I got a 93 in that class.
Being the kind of guy that sends texts to your girlfriend’s male friends like “Hey man, if I hear you’re flirting with her/looking at her wrong/existing in her area we’re gonna have issues.”
Face-timing or calling someone on speaker. I used to live on the same floor as this one guy who did that, and we had similar schedules. I never talked to him, or his girlfriend, but I knew every little thing about them after two weeks of accidentally riding the elevator at the same time as him.
Headphones exist. Use them.
Mowing your lawn before 9 A.M.
Taking up two car spaces in a crowded parking lot.