Well, No One Likes To Mow The Lawn
“My, very sweet, elderly next-door neighbor explained to me how God gave her my house.
She casually told me, ‘Oh, you should have seen how beautiful it was the day we moved in. I touched your door, and I knew then and there that God wanted me to own your house. You may live in it now, but its only temporary.’
It gave me the creeps, but I didn’t say anything because her husband mows my lawn for free.”
The Real Reason A 16-Year-Old Has To Be Babysat
“It was a kid I was babysitting. I thought it was pretty weird to be babysitting a 16-year-old at 18. But after a while we became friends and he started to open up to me. For god knows what reason he decided to tell me he intimately violated a 9-year-old. I then realized I was there because his mom didn’t want him alone with his 11-year-old sister.
I had no idea what to say other than asking why he told me. He said he didn’t know but it seemed like he was asking for forgiveness? It got to the point where he was straight up threatening to kill himself if I rejected him as a friend and unfortunately I was very easily guilt tripped. So he went to bed and I watch TV till it was time to go home because I didn’t want to leave his sister. When the mom came home I told her exactly what he told me but she already knew because he told his favorite teacher at the school and of course she reported it. I’ve just never picked up their phone calls or text messages. I will say though while he was asleep the thought of smothering him did cross my mind.”
Your Friendly Neighborhood Dentist
“I went to a dentist. When I schedule the appt, I was actually excited because he personally answered and I was able to be seen right away. When I got there, there was no one in the office at my 2 pm appt. I should have seen that red flag and left but I didn’t. During the exam, he was nice enough, (by the way, only him, no employees) and he started going into his life story.
I learned about the love of his life who was 30 years younger that got away. How his house has no electricity or water so he showers and cooks at the office. How the other two dentists close to him are sabotaging him and lying to patients about him. According to him, the other dentists’ reroute his phone line so his calls go to them and not him. I was lucky how he fixed it himself so he was able to get my call. He wouldn’t get the city to fix it because they are in on it with the dentists’.
I was relieved when he was talking about the love of his life he stalked for years because it took my mind off of the craziness that had sharp objects in my mouth. When I left (I went in because my wisdom teeth were killing me) he wanted to schedule surgery to get removed and to fix two cavities. He actually wanted to do the surgery then but I refused to saying I would need to find a ride. That’s when he said he doesn’t give that kind of medicine, he isn’t allowed to anymore. I noped out of there so quick. Went to a new dentist who told me I didn’t even have any cavities. That was a creepy 2 hours.”
Feed The Beast
“I was in the smokers section of a club a couple of years ago.
So I’m sitting there, enjoying my drink when this guy in full denim asks me to sit and talk.
Now, I was feeling pretty good, so I was like ‘yeah sure, that sounds like a great idea!’
So we’re sitting down, and this guy straight up says ‘after we shake hands we’ll be connected for life’. So I laugh it off, shake his hand, and see where the conversation goes.
This guy starts playing the worst game of 20 guesses ever.
Him- ‘You’re 22.’ Me- ‘Nope.’ Him- ’21.’ Me- ‘Nah bro.’ Him- ’27.’ Me- ‘Nah, I’m [this age].’ Him- ‘I knew that! We are connected.’ Me- ‘Alright man…’
So I feel like this guy has dropped acid and is tripping, but then he gets really weird and dark.
Him- ‘I sense you have the beast in you, I do as well.’
Me- ‘What is the beast?’ (This is where I messed up)
Him- ‘The beast is something in a lot of us, it is everything that is hate, and you can only control it by giving it what it wants.’
Me- ‘What does it want?’
Him- ‘Well, I’m a vegan, but the beast demands meat, without it he screams at my soul.’
Me- ‘Ahhh ok man, I’m gonna bail.’
Him- ‘No! I’m vegan, I could never hurt an animal. But the beast needs what it wants. I do the right thing and only eat chicken, because chickens deserve to die.’
Me- ‘Why do chickens deserve to die?’
Him- ‘Because of all the bad people like murderers and abusers get reincarnated as chickens.’
Me- ‘How do you know this?’
Him- ‘They told me.’
So I’m irked here, and decide to try and bail while changing the conversation a little.
Me- ‘Ah so how’s been vegan?’
Him- ‘I’m vegan 99% of the time, but the beast needs to eat. I feed him chicken nuggets 1% of the time. So every night I go to McDonald’s and buy 20 nuggets. You should let your beast free sometimes too, or else you’ll become all beast and come back as a chicken.’
I just walked off at this point. It all sounds ridiculous, but the dude was super dark and sinister. I went back in after a while and the guy was sitting in the same spot with 4 people sitting around him listening to his word like it was gospel. I feel like I witnessed the start of a cult.”
It’s Time To Get A Clue
“Went on two dates with a guy.
I saw some red flags but weren’t sure they were red at first. We’d be texting and he’d say I was bad at little things. Basically negging, but sometimes the way it was said, I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not.
It was all in my mind that it could be a red flag, but I decided on a second date.
He started saying how I needed to paint my nails, but only certain colors. He was serious. He also ordered a bunch of stuff for me that I told him I didn’t like and then tried to get me to drink/eat it.
Basically, my wants were completely ignored and by the second date he had a list of little things he deemed me bad at – like he didn’t like the way I hugged.
I decided to nope out of there. So I told him thanks, but I didn’t see us working out.
He flipped out. Said my insecurities and fear were showing, and he could see why I was single.
So I was like omg no help me.
I told him to stay away. I wasn’t interested.
He told me I just needed some time to think it over, to calm down. Then the best part came: he said I was his girlfriend.
I told him I wasn’t. He said no, I was.
He was attempting to force me to be his girlfriend.
So I got the heck out, blocked him on everything, and 8 months later he’s still trying to contact me. Super crazy.”
Real Life Bloggers
“I thought it sounded off when she told me she once did an at home abortion with a butter knife at twelve years old, but it turns out that was the least disturbing part of the conversation, which included her being abused by her parents, then later proclaiming them very loving and supportive, graphic descriptions of how she cut her wrists (the right way even) in front of her ex who supposedly abused her mentally to show her how much pain she was in, followed by a one-month forced stay in a psychiatric facility (after researching, that was a total lie, it takes time, money and court orders to forcefully commit someone), her self-diagnosed BPD and a plethora of other stuff.
It was the first time that we met. I just ghosted her. I’m really sorry if all of that happened to her, but at one point I seriously couldn’t decide whether or not she was lying to me, and at one point it was blatantly obvious that she was completely delusional. She tried hitting on me later and I swear to God it was the scariest thing ever because I was just waiting for her to whip out a knife and start cutting again.
She seems to be doing good now – I rarely see her, but she has her own name-brand website where she shares her life and thoughts and I sometimes creep. Still sounds a little crazy if you ask me.”
The Red Car
“I once had a next-door neighbor who seemed a bit weird, but friendly, so cool.
One night, I’m coming home from work and encounter her standing outside of the apartment building expectantly, smoking. I walk up and say hi and she says hi back and then launches into this ridiculous story about how Jack Black is her soulmate and how a red four-door vehicle is about to pull up any minute now to pick her up for a road trip. She doesn’t have anything with her.
It was obviously ridiculous, but she didn’t seem dangerous and I wanted to see what happened when the car never showed up, so I bum a smoke and hang out with her while she just acts weirder and weirder, going on about how some actress stole her soul and more crazy stuff like that. I wasn’t creeped out by it so much as exceptionally entertained by her storytelling.
So I stand out there for fifteen minutes or so until I start to get bored and try to say goodbye but she’s like ‘No! They’ll be here any second!’
Not five seconds later a red four-door car pulls up and parks less than a car length ahead of where we’re standing and I have this insane moment where I think maybe she was telling the truth.
Looking relieved that they’ve finally arrived, she promptly opens the back seat and gets into the car and shuts the door behind her.
The car starts. I’m in absolute shock.
Then they kick her out and nope the heck out of there and I follow suit as I watch her chasing the car into the night.
I’ll never forget how shocked I was that car actually pulled up.”
I Just Had To Ask
“My first job was at Target. I was in the food avenue section which is where you would buy popcorn, nachos or soft pretzels (most have been converted to Starbucks by now.)
Anyways, there was this lady K who would come in quite often. She had a little cart with 2 wheels that she pulled behind her, full of stuff. She would wear baggy dresses and hacked the hair up front in jagged pieces to the scalp like a mangy Benjamin Franklin. K would wander around for awhile and then come to food ave and buy a sandwich.
Whenever we exchanged money she would ask me if she swallowed or was choking on any change. I would calmly look at her and say ‘Nope K, you’re just fine,’ sometimes repeating myself 4 or 5 times.
One day she looked at me and said ‘Thank you for being so kind and not treating me like I’m crazy. Everyone else does. When I was a little girl I saw my Grandmother choke to death.’
Can you IMAGINE? This was 15 years ago. I hope K has found peace and contentment wherever she is.”
Whose The Crazy One?
“This is a strange one. I was stood outside a Greggs (a bakery) deciding what to have with my girlfriend who stood slightly away from me.
I’m guessing the scruffy man that came over thought she was alone as he walked straight to her, grabbed her arm and said he was going to forcibly kiss her. Now I was already moving as I’d noticed him going towards her, she had frozen and I threw him off her and said the only thing I could think of, which was that I was going to forcibly kiss him and murder him first. Then he started screaming that I was going to hurt him and he needed help and was struggling to get away from me. My girlfriend grabs me and pulls me away as the man starts crying and his screams become hysterical, she said there’s something not right with him and not to hurt him. So I stood in front of her until several security guards came over and as we fairly calmly explained what had happened he continued to scream about how I had attacked him.
I eventually just walked off and bought 2 steak bakes from Greggs. The whole situation was very confusing, I don’t think I handled it particularly well, but what are you meant to do when an insane man threatens to forcibly kiss your girlfriend and then forgets that he did? She was fine, so alls well that ends well I guess.”
“I met my friend’s super Christian girlfriend for the first time. Out of the blue, she starts asking me questions like if I’m ‘pure’ (haven’t slept with someone), who I dated before I started dating my SO, why I didn’t have a crush on her boyfriend (he liked me in high school), who her boyfriend liked in high school, who her boyfriend liked in middle school.
It got even weirder after that. My friend and I used to game all the time. After meeting his girlfriend, she told me we can no longer game together. We can’t Skype together (we were in different states at the time). We can no longer speak on the phone together. We can’t be alone together. We can’t even text.
She claims that he’s a good, Christian guy, and he needs good, Christian guy friends. Since I’m a girl, she told me that Christian guys shouldn’t have friends of the opposite gender.
Unfortunately, my friend is blindsided by his girlfriend, and he chose her over all his female friends. We don’t talk anymore…”
The Myth And The Legend
“Had a much older single male neighbor, Mikey, when I was in college who wasn’t ‘all there’. The neighborhood was single-family houses that were made into condos or townhomes each with their own separate entrance but shared walls. Turns out Mikey was our downstairs neighbor and his front door was right under my bedroom.
First day/night in the place unpacking, I hear some loud concussive slams in rapid succession and manic babbling fading in and out with each thud. I moved toward the sound until I’m looking out below the bedroom window to see a silhouette of a squat man being occluded quickly and followed by a slam of a door, only to reappear again as the door is opened just as quickly. It’s held open for his babbling to escape out into the night, only to be punctuated by another loud slam of the door. Over and over again, for 2 hours without fail. I never saw Mikey that night, only his shadow…
Fast forward a week or so and I’m on the phone walking back from campus and I see a Danny DeVito shaped man waddling down the sidewalk conversing with himself but wildly gesticulating, throwing out hands and serving up talking points to the wind. He does the ‘What the heck?’ hands at the neighbor’s yard, the ‘this stuff right here?’ at the cars on the street, the ‘up yours’ to the dogs… all the way until he’s standing in front of me. Because once he got in front of me, I became the sole focus of his belligerent efforts. I didn’t know he was my literal next door neighbor at the time as I didn’t recognize his shadow but he’s following my same path home, ranting and raving unintelligible nonsense. I started to run through options in my head of how to deal with this lunatic, but eventually got home and went upstairs all while he’s still trailing behind raving.
I was relieved when it finally got quiet, but only for a second… the slamming of the door commenced shortly after and I was looked out the window again, I recognized the DeVito silhouette… appear, disappear, SLAM, open…
Turns out Mikey is fairly harmless. He doesn’t drive or bike but has family that checks on him regularly. We eventually became ‘friends’ and while his existence was filled with mental health troubles, he was as a child.
Mikey passed away some years later, but some say the door still slams to this day, over and over again.”
“Don’t Worry, I Know Your Cool”
“A few years back I was taking classes at a local community college. I had an 8 am class, and I was waiting around for the professor to come and unlock the door with a few other students who had shown up early for class.
I start talking to a guy who I had talked to a few times before but didn’t know that well. He’s drawing a design for some kind of futuristic car/motorcycle thing in his notebook, and I ask him about it, just being friendly making conversation.
Everything is normal until he drops this bombshell out of nowhere: ‘By the way, did you know I am the reincarnation of the arc angel Michael?’ ‘Uh What?’
He proceeds to explain how he and six other arc angels will lead the purification of the world on December 24th, 2014. He tells me in order to survive I will need to paint a certain symbol on the door of my house, lifts up his shirt and shows me an elaborate tattoo on his chest with 3 colored circles. He tells me I need to have this exact symbol with the opposite colors otherwise everyone in my house will be purged.
He goes on to say: ‘I know you’re cool, but I’ll be purging Asia, the guy who is purging North America won’t know you, and I won’t be able to vouch for you, so you need to have this symbol on your door.’
I just nodded politely until the professor showed up and then I never talked to him again.”
I Will Be Leaving Now
“So I went into a McDonald’s and this woman recognized me from some of the college classes we had together. She seemed pretty certain, and she seemed like she might be familiar; two eyes, a nose, some hair, I might’ve seen her before.
She started telling me that her friend was psychic, could feel people’s energy, and could read her mind. Now that’s not the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard and I’d probably have been ok with that.
Then she started telling me about the radio DJ out of the next town over who was watching her in her house with video cameras hidden in her shower. She knew he was watching her because during his broadcasts he would play certain sound effects and tell jokes about her every time she farted.
I told her I had to get going, I was just there for a carry-out and there were some people waiting in the car.”
Please Feel Bad
“For a long time, I complained about my best friend’s parents to mine. They never believed me and chalked it up to ‘teens hate parents.’ Well, then they met her mom. Her mom tried to convince my dad she had cancer and her medical bills were piling up. She and the family were suffering because of the bills and needed money. The rest of the conversation went something like, ‘Oh what type of cancer do you have?’ Just my dad asking a genuine question out of curiosity to hopefully help her.
‘Lung cancer, it’s a specific type that’s modestly rare.’
‘Oh, that’s horrible, what’s your doctor’s name?’ My dad happened to be very very close friends with the only people that treat this type of cancer in the state. She responded with a made-up doctor’s name. He was wary of her after that.
And once my dad met her dad, he couldn’t believe how dumb he was. That guy bragged about being arrested multiple times the first time he met my dad. My dad always believed what I said about parents after that.”
Bringing Them Back To Reality
“I was in line at the grocery store and this guy was talking to me, mostly a normal conversation and then he started saying he knew what everyone in the store was thinking and how he was from another dimension and I said ‘uhh ok’ and he proceeded to continue on his tirade about knowing everything there is to know. He then proceeded to tell me he knew what I knew, so I said, ‘if you know everything, then enter my PIN number’ (I had already inserted my card into the machine and was getting ready to pay). He stared at me blankly and reality came crashing back down on him. Felt bad for him, but I wasn’t going to feed his delusions.”
So There Was This ONE Time In Denmark
“I was at a family wedding, and there was this guy I didn’t know that was amazing on the dance floor. He had decent moves, but it was more that he was so dedicated to his dancing, so charismatic, that he really drew the eye. Anyway, my father in law got to talking to him and eventually drew me into the conversation.
Dancer guy had been telling my father in law in great detail about a recent manic episode during which he’d emptied his bank account (shared with his wife), bought a boat and sailed it from the US to Denmark, and then stayed there in a stupor for weeks before it finally occurred to him that he needed to tell his wife where he was, and also that they couldn’t afford a boat. Partway through the conversation, it became obvious that he was currently in another manic state. But he was very engaging, so we didn’t try to extricate ourselves from the conversation. Eventually, his wife dragged him away. We felt bad for her.”