1. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
2. When I meet a new love interest, I’m terrified of mentioning something he/she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
3. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
4. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
5. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
6. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
7. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
11. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
12. LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
13. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
14. Bad decisions tend to make the best stories.
15. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles
16. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
17. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever media format comes after Bluray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection. Who cares about technological progress!
18. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry,” means I will never wash this ever.
19. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
20. It should really be called Unplanned Parenthood, right?
21. Is it bad that I sometimes think: Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.
22. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.