Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 4, 2011
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 19, 2014
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old: I dont even like celery.
Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
*looks up from phone*”Kids!! we’re leaving the playground in 22 percent.”
Abhorrent Housewife (@abhorrent_wife) June 24, 2013
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Wendy S. (@maughammom) December 1, 2015
You seriously need to grow up!…and other things I yelled at my kid while I ate Star Wars mac n cheese for dinner.
KC of TX (@kcmoore51) November 20, 2015
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal. It’s science.
Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 6, 2014
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
inappropriate mom (@nicfit75) July 17, 2012
I’m at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old holding a permanent marker without the lid.
Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 21, 2014
(Crossing street)Me: “Know what my favorite thing is? Holding your hand.”(Reach sidewalk)5yo, rips free: “NOW YOUR FAVORITE THINGS OVER!”
ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) April 27, 2015
I let my 3-year-old make her own dinner.She put candy corn on top cold pizzaThe apprentice has become the master. pic.twitter.com/RUNzffFLIT
Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2015
Forgot my ID in our diaper bag last night and got rejected by a bouncer who said my story was exactly the type of lie a cop would tell. HA.
olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) March 8, 2015
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.Me: Did it work?
El Knuckelhombre (@ElKnuckelhombre) March 24, 2015
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) February 1, 2014
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 23, 2014
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