These fantastic poems are from the Reddit users credited below.
One crab two crabs red crabs blue crabs
The doctor was saying: ‘Good golly, my dear,
How splendidly strange and how perfectly queer!
We’ve quested and tested and taken your blood –
But more than we ought to, and more than we should!
‘The answer’s surprising,’ he said with a smile,
‘And worried the best and the brightest a while!
The surgeons and doctors and dentists were dazed –
They pondered, befuddled, and wondered, amazed!
‘You see,’ he explained with a wink of an eye,
‘To start with your heart’s in the shape of a pie!
Your stomach’s a sausage, and not to be rude –
Your kidneys are cookies!
… You’re so fucking screwed.’
Poor oh poor mister Timothy Schue
He came down with a case of the flibberty flu
It starts in the nose and works its way down
Giving its victims a flibberty frown.
Next time mister Schue goes out in the snow
He’ll remember his hat and his scarf and his coat
He will drink his tea and medicine too
To get rid of the nasty flibberty flu.
I do not like this mammogram
I do not like it, young madame.
I do not like the lump that sits
Right inside your cancerous tits
I do not like this mammogram
I will perform a breast exam.
Oh why don’t you sit with me,
we can discuss this STD;
This STD that you have got,
Could be fixed with a single shot;
You should have gone with a rejection,
To avoid this big injection;
But alas, it’s hard to miss,
Your diagnosis- syphilis.
When it comes to good looks,
You’ve got them in spades!
But I’m afraid sharing needles
Has given you AIDS.
Some follow up visits
Are hereby required
But don’t leave here feeling
Mopey and tired.
I’ll prescribe you some things
To take the edge off your ills,
You can live a long life
With a cocktail of pills!
Did you do it on a train? Did you do it in the rain? With a fox? With an ox? Where did you get this disease? This is nothing at which to sneeze.
Can I say, and say I can,
“Here comes the result of your CAT scan!”
It’s ok, you’ve been in remission,
But I’ll still check my patients for any condition.
Well my good friend, time for the news!
I’m glad I could help you, old Doctor Seuss,
The places you’ll go, the gifts that you’ll give!
Oh pardon, the results:
You’ve six months to live.
I know it sounds quite terrible,
This disease that is venereal
This condition we call syphillis
This droopy, drippy-drop dick sniffle-is.
Scary though it sounds, it’s treatable
Yes, the drippy-drop is wholly beatable.
This time next month you’ll be thanking heaven
Now let me give you this Rocephin.
There go your dreams,
Of being a dancer.
We’re taking your legs,
Because of the cancer.
Continue reading on the next page!
Today’s not your day.
You’ve contracted a disease
and you’re wasting away
There’s pus in your urine
There’s blood in your stool
and your complexion’s like that
of a horrorshow ghoul
You’re on the way out and there isn’t much time
And for your last months on Earth you’ll most likely be blind
You’ll lose all your teeth; and also your hair
I’m afraid all I can offer is palliative care
Your blood’s full of toxins which you just can’t excrete
This malady’s one which you can’t hope to beat
Must your lifeblood recede?
Yes, it must indeed. Ninety-nine and four-quarters percent guaranteed.
You have cancer. No I won’t rhyme we need to discuss options for treatment.
I hope your sense of humor
Is bigger than your tumor
I wish we found it sooner
It’s gone from grapefruit to balloon-er.
Oh woe is you
Oh woe is me
We got the results of your test, you see
It appears you have the HIV
We must start treatment immediately
Well, well, well – oh isn’t this swell?!
You’ve brought your child and a tale to tell!
A tale of coughing, sniffing, sneezing,
of fever, headache, nausea and wheezing.
Oh dear, little child, there’s not much to be done,
I’m afraid you should blame your damn ignorant mum.
For you are not ailed by bruises or bumps;
You’ve got diphtheria, measles, rubella and mumps!
Poor little thing, it’s too late for a cure,
When I asked about vaccines your mother was sure,
“NO, THEY CAUSE AUTISM!” she’d ardently shout,
But she had no hard evidence to bandy about.
So you listen here child, and you listen close,
Your parents made sure you got nary a dose.
All of your diseases, suffering and pain,
Was caused by your parents, who are fucking insane.
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew I cannot screw
Oh my god what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad – can’t you tell?
My body’s drooping
Have trouble pooping
The golden years
Have come at last
The golden years can kiss my ass.
with your friends!