These will work anywhere.

Have you ever started telling a joke, get to the punchline, and THEN realize that it's not at all appropriate? Well, in an effort to prevent such mishaps in the future, here are some jokes you can use on everyone from your Grandma to that stranger on the train who's standing just a bit too close.

These are the 30 best responses on Reddit to the question: "What G-Rated Joke Always Cracks You Up?"


1/30. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.


2/30. Why does the chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.


3/30. Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.


4/30. A Mexican magician says that he'll disappear on the count of three.

"Uno... dos..." POOF!

He disappeared without a tres.


5/30. People say they're worried that my friend is doing his disappearing act too much.

But I know it's just a stage he's going through.


6/30. A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?


7/30. What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.


8/30. What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


9/30. What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?



10/30. What is E.T short for?

He has really small legs


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11/30. Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks "Do you smell fish?


12/30. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? Its very time consuming.


I went back for seconds.


13/30. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

Cats have claws at the end of their paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.


14/30. Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A: One is very heavy, and the other is a little lighter.


15/30. My friend had a baby recently. The doctor was weighing the baby when she turned to my friend and said, "I've seen ugly babies before, but not on this scale!


16/30. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' catholic


17/30. When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.


18/30. Two cows are grazing in a pasture. One cow turns to the other and says "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow responds: "Doesn't bother me. I'm a helicopter.


19/30. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?


20/30. Why did the gum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.

- Touldis

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21/30. What do vegetarian zombies eat?



22/30. 2 fish are in a tank. 1 turns to the other and says "you man the guns, I'll drive!


23/30. Hello everyone, welcome back to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I gotta say I'm pretty disappointed.


24/30. So, a guy walks into a mexican restaurant and takes a seat. Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a soda. The chips says "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."

Starting to freak out, the guy says to the waiter "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!" Waiter says "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary.


25/30. Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"

"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!


26/30. A blind guy walks into a store and starts swinging his seeing eye dog around his head. An employee comes over and nervously asks if he can help. The blind guy replies "No thanks. I'm just looking around.


27/30. What has 8 legs and one eye?

Two chairs and half a fish.


28/30. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? aye maighty


29/30. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.


30. What did the right eye say to the left eye? "Between you and me, something smells.



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