Facepalms all around!
Facepalms all around!
1. I was distractedly making tea and threw my phone into the bin. I only realized when I caught myself forcing a used tea bag into my pocket.
Scared Of Their Own Reflection
2. I was driving and saw something in my peripheral that scared the heck out of me and caused my heart to race.
It was my reflection in my car door window.
Got Worried About You There Buddy
3. When, as a 12 year old I farted underwater in the deepend of the city pool and swam down to see if I could smell it underwater. I am happy to say I survived.
These Contacts Aren’t Ambidextrous!
4. Got my new contacts in the mail. It was 6 boxes total, 3 for each eye. I was ticked off and panicking because they only labeled the boxes for my Right eye. How the heck was I supposed to know which contacts were for my Left?!?!! It wasn’t until I picked up the phone to call my optometrist that I realized what an idiot I was.
No Beverage Privileges For You!
“5. I was a 23-year-old in a meeting with the CEO of my company. Knocked over my glass of water onto his desk, nuking his laptop (which contained the PowerPoint for an all-hands meeting the next day).
He was gracious about it, saying “I don’t fire people over something as small as spilled water”, but also told me I had lost my beverage privileges in his office.
Felt like an idiot for a long time after that.”
I Think They’re Onto Something Here!
“6. Middle of summer Oklahoma. Driving in the middle of the day while on the phone with my wife. Literally said…sigh… “It’s so hot, it’s like the sun is a big ball of fire…”
I immediately called myself out for being a moron.”
Hmm…I Wonder Why?
7. Got into the pool to enjoy the water. Went to grab my phone from my pocket to check the time…the phone was unresponsive.
8. Had a headband on, was sad that the flower was on the wrong side. My sister pointed out that I could just turn the headband around. Yeaaaaahhhhhh.
If Only Dogs Could Talk
9. At a party. Missed my dog. Wrote out a text to her that I was coming home soon. Looked for her in my contacts. Wondered why she wasn’t in them since we’re so close. It was that point that my brain turned back on. I actually hadn’t had anything to drink, I was just tired.
I’m Sure That Hurt
10. Put oven mitt on one hand. Used said hand to open oven. Used bare hand to grab an item out of the oven. Failed.
We All Know The GIF They’re Talking About
11. When I watched the gif of the guy climbing a cell phone tower for 10 minutes waiting to see him reach the top.
12. I picked up a little framed picture at my friend’s house. It was a picture of our group of friends at a Christmas party a couple of years prior. I stared at that little photograph for thirty seconds, at least. I smiled and thought about how much fun we had that night, and how much I loved the people in that picture. A blissful moment captured and frozen in time. That little frame provided so much joy. So much joy, that my dumb ass thumb-swiped it, in the hope of seeing another picture.
So That’s Why They Didn’t Work!
13. I drove my car for two weeks after replacing the wiper blades, wondering why the blades seemed to do nothing to actually keep my windshield clear. I finally realized I had left the plastic guards that cover the blades on. In my defense, nothing on the packaging even hinted that you had to take these off. Still, I felt like a moron.
At Least They Didn’t Leave Them Out There!
14. This morning. Opened the front door, stuck my keys in the door to lock it (left them hanging) turned around to turn out the lights. Then spent the next two minutes looking for my keys.
15. Searching for my phone with my phone’s flashlight is up there.
Definitely Sounds Like A Monday To Me
16. I was moving a desk in my room while I was sick, and I had to sneeze, so I dropped the desk on my foot and then sneezed, propelling my head into the top corner giving myself a huge lump. This was Monday.
17. Woke up one morning and realized I was out of coffee. Went to the grocery store, bought coffee and like two other things, got home. Walk inside and set the basket down…. wait. Basket? I drove all the way home with the grocery basket in the passenger seat and didn’t even realize.
Maybe They Got A Little Confused
18. The other day I saw a girl walk out of an ice cream parlor holding her phone and an ice cream cone. I then had the joy of watching her lick the screen of her phone and glance around to see if anyone noticed.
It’s hard to remember what each hand is doing sometimes.
19. Forgot the word for a bookshelf. The result was a massive 5-minute angry argument in my head:
“What the heck is that called… It starts with an s! Book-something! Bookcase? No that’s not it…Bookshhhhh…Bookshelf. God dang it, you idiot.”
Its happened a couple of times since with the most random stuff and every time I feel like an idiot.
20. See, I went to the court house with my kid to get his pass port. I copied my license before-hand.
I got to the court house and they asked me for my license. I looked, realized I left it in the copier, then they saw that I copied it and said that I don’t need to provide my actual license before I had to admit what an idiot I am.
I just recently got home and totally forgot about it…until just before I wrote this
Are You Doing Okay, Buddy?
21. Poured coffee in the sugar bowl instead of the mug right next to it.
This Is Why You Can’t Find Your Phone While On Your Phone
22. Constantly looking for my phone while I’m talking on it. The worst part is it has happened before and it will happen again. Like stubbing your toe. You’re just perpetually waiting for it.
Sounds Like A Solid Plan, Man
23. 20 years ago my wife (then-girlfriend) dropped a Christmas tree angel (topper) in my hand and said, “Please get her wings to stay on. Every year I tape them and they just fall back off the next year.”
So I stapled them, and they lasted the season. The following year they were floating around free in her box. This was just the beginning of a lifetime of staples, tape, glue, super glue, paperclips, and in 2015 a hot glue. But every dang year we’d put her away only to find the wings had once again fallen off the next year.
Finally, this year I decided I was going to sew the things on, and even dug out our sewing kit for the occasion.
So I sit down with it and start flattening out the ruffles of her robe/collar to prep the sewing area… only to find that once flattened out, two little slits in the back of her rumply robe through which we could slide the wings to attach and detach them when taking her out and putting her away every season.
It never occurred to me they would attach in this fashion since my wife’s little angel pre-dates our 20-year relationship, and I’d never seen the original packaging. Every year my goal was to simply get them barely presentable and move on to something wholly more interesting.
If You Get This Joke Then You Know
24. A former professor posted a status saying, “Feeling cold inside…#DoubleFistingRemedies.”
I took that to mean the person had just had some serious fisting and was looking for recovery cures.
After consulting my boyfriend, he explained that the person was so sick that they were drinking herbal remedies in each hand.
I’m an idiot.
Numbers Are Numbers, Right?
25. Every time I try to make a phone call on my calculator app.
It Doesn’t Work That Way Unfortunately
26. Sometimes I catch myself telling inanimate objects to shut up. I’d bump into a desk and under my breath, I’d say “shut up.”
In one particular incident, I dropped a ceramic cup on the floor and I was so upset I just blurted out “Oh you piece of trash, shut up.” I don’t know why I do that I’m really not an angry person.
Oh No! That’s Not Good!
27. I was babysitting, and my sister wanted some macaroni. I grabbed the first saucepan in the cabinet, poured in some water, set it on the stove, and went into the other room for a few minutes. Then I smelled burning.
The saucepan I had grabbed was a plastic one for microwaving noodles faster. It melted onto the stove and there was water everywhere.
Wow, Thanks A Lot, Buddy
28. In the eighth grade, my friends and I were fooling around on the computers and googling each other’s names. I Google my friend’s name, and a picture of an old person comes up first. I laugh and tell him, “oh my god, it’s actually a picture of you! Haha, you hobo!”
He looks at me weirdly, and I ask him, “what? Why are you looking at me like that?”
Turns out that picture was from the obituaries, and it was his dead grandfather. Yeah… That was not my proudest moment.
Mind = BLOWN
29. When my girlfriend showed me that a double-knotted shoe lace could still be undone quickly by firmly pulling the end of a single lace. This happened a couple of days ago and it blew my mind.
What Have I Done!?
30. Picked up a ketchup bottle to put some more on my food. then in my almighty wisdom, I went into autopilot and suddenly decided the ketchup would become my bottle of water. ended up putting the bottle lid in my mouth to drink it before I looked at it and realized what I’d done.
Oh, NO! Not Cool, Dude.
31. One morning, as I’m taking my dog out for her morning pee, half asleep, there is a man talking to another man outside my building. The one-man, who I guess lives in my building, tells the other that maybe I can help him, and runs off.
I see that this man is blind. He starts asking if I’m the manager and telling me he used to live here. I tell him that if there are vacancies, it will be on a sign to the left, as will the manager’s number. He keeps talking until my dog barks at him, at which point, I kept on my walk.
He was still standing there when I left for work and slipped by unnoticed. It wasn’t until I was halfway to the bus that I realized he couldn’t see where I was pointing or what the number is.
Now That’s Pretty Stupid
32. Dude I voted for has a history of lying, has appointed political animals, walked back his infrastructure promise, and thinks tax breaks to corporations will induce them to not export jobs and fix potholes.
33. Driving on the highway behind one of those semi-trucks full of gasoline for a gas station. On the trailer was an ad and logos for the gas station’s coffee. I wondered to myself how they kept a truck full of coffee hot until they could get it to the place. Probably went over scenarios in my head for 15 minutes until I came back to earth and remembered the truck was full of gasoline.
This Could’ve Ended TERRIBLy
34. The food disposal thing in the sink was clogged so I stuck my hand in to unclog it. I couldn’t see so I turned the light switch on above the sink with my other hand. There isn’t a light switch above the sink.
Thankfully the disposal stayed clogged.
Please Don’t Drink That
35. I was painting with oil paints and drinking water. I reached out and grabbed the turpentine and took a good swig. I’ve done this twice.
36. A car salesman introduced himself to me. Not only did I miss his hand for the handshake but I also responded with “thank you” instead of saying hi or introducing myself in return. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look more dumbfounded in my life…
That Ain’t Good!
37. When I turned on the wrong burner on the stove and stepped away for a bit.
“Hmm, what is the orange glow in the kitc…..FIRE!”
So not only did I mess up by turning on the wrong burner, I turned on the burner with something on top of it. Moron.
Happens To Everyone
38. Back when people still had landlines, but the phones were cordless, the phone rang. I looked all over for it and couldn’t find it. I didn’t have one of the fancy “find phone” features on my base. Then the phone rang again. It wasn’t in the living room, but it was in the kitchen? It seems to be coming from in between, then it stopped. Then it rang again… this happened a few times over the weekend. It was driving me insane. It was inside the refrigerator. Apparently, I set it down while making a sandwich and ending a phone call the day before.
This Don’t Even Make Any Sense
39. When I was about 7 I lifted up my fork so I could look under it in order to find my elusive fork.
Can You Get To Your Phone While On Your Phone?
40. My wife’s back went out. On the floor and unable to get up, she managed to shimmy over and reach her phone. She called me at work. She tells me what happened and I say:
“Don’t panic. Now, can you get to your phone?”