Maybe you woke up with a hangover, or some embarrassing pictures on your phone, or a hickey in an unexpected location. But on the bright side, at least you weren’t THAT person at the party…
This piece is based on an AskReddit thread. Link on the last page.
1. Coming home from the party last night, we stopped for pizza. The super drunk guy in front of us in line told us he paid for our pizza. He made a big deal out of it, but then fumbled the machine and almost forgot his card and dropped his pizza box on the floor.
We asked the cashier if he had paid for our pizza. She double-checked and said, Actually, he… didn’t even pay for his own pizza.” We paid for it.
2. I slammed 10 vodka shots back to back then started pointing at people and saying WHAT GOOD THING HAPPENED TO YOU IN 2016? I then wanted to make a speech and started telling people to shush because the countdown had started. This was at about 11:10 PM.
3. He fell down and spilled a can of Dr Pepper all over the floor. Then he dropped his phone on the floor and said, “oh no, my phone is in Dr Pepper! Then he looked around and exclaimed, “oh no I’M in Dr Pepper!”
Also, plot twist, this is actually about me and I wrote in the third person so I didn’t sound like such an idiot.
4. A guy I’d never met named Tony kept asking all the female party goers if they knew what his name was spelled backwards. Then would slur out ” y not” my wife thought it was funny and creepy at the same time.
5. We asked our friend how drunk he was. He responded, “Twice!”
6. Our one drunk buddy tried to shoot a firework while holding it in his mouth. I don’t think he’ll be trying that again.
He tightened it too hard so the firework never flew. Instead, it exploded right on top of him. He ended up with his face completely black from the powder and some pretty nasty burns.
Two policemen were standing next to us when this happened. They told him it was the stupidest thing they had seen all year (and yes we were still in 2016).
7. There were a few singles at my New Year’s Eve party. They were joking about just all kissing each other, when my buddy suddenly offered to kiss all of them.
When asked how he’s going to accomplish that he manages to slur out the words “Midnight is a whole minute, and I get around.”
8. I live in Texas and have a friend who moved here from Scotland a few years ago. Ever since she moved here she consistently has faked an “American” accent to fit in.
Last night she got so drunk she forgot about her American accent and started swearing loudly in the thickest Scottish accent for an hour or so.
9. My very drunk grandma yelled HAPPY NEW YEAR so loud at my dog that he peed himself and cried.
10. We were partying on the beach, and this one guy couldn’t find anywhere to hide his bag. So he just tossed it into the ocean and yelled, “Nobody can steal my beer now!”
11. “STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, I HAVE NEVER DIED BEFORE.” Delivered by a friend who got kicked out of two clubs and wanted to keep partying.
12. Im an ER Nurse, and I had to work the New Years eve shift. One guy came in complaining of scrotal pain. He told me he was at home, in his living room, high on cocaine and quite drunk, sitting on a bicycle, when he slipped and caught his balls on the sharp pedal. He felt wetness and, assuming it was blood, wrapped his manhood in toilet paper and ran to the ER.
I took him back to the examination room, where he finally found the courage to check the damage himself. That was when he noticed it was just urine. He had peed his pants. He ran straight back out into the night without another word.
Happy new year, central Ohio.
13. I yelled Merry Christmas instead of “Happy new year.”
14. Somebody ran through a closed door.
15. I think I might have been that person. I woke up this morning and saw a photo of people stacking boxes on my head. It was impressive how tall it was and that I didn’t wake up as a result.
16. The brother of the host came to party with us. After half a bottle of schnapps, he told us that his shoes are fireproof up to 1600 Celsius. Of course no one believed him, so he stepped in the campfire and stood in there for 10 minutes. Thankfully, he was right.
17. I saw a guy peeing in the middle of a busy road, flipping off the cars driving by. It was 9 PM.
18. I was DD and my friend had to puke, so we pulled over and he threw up in the street/sidewalk.
I was looking for cops because I wasn’t sure of the legality of him throwing up in the street regarding littering laws or whatever, and small town cops in Delaware can be sort of prickly. He was finishing up when a cop rolled by.
He drove past us and didn’t stop, but then he turned around and drove past again. He went down the street and around a corner so I assumed we were safe.
I drove down the street and shortly after the cop rolls up and pulls us over. I’m sober so I’m not too worried but when he walks up to the car he has a bottle of water in his hand and asks, “hey do you guys need this?” looking at my friend slumped over in the back seat.
We all laugh and thank him and he lets us go on our way. I know he was doing his due diligence making sure I wasn’t drunk but he was cool as hell about the whole thing.
19. He swapped clothes with his girlfriend, and stripped on the living room table for fake $100’s from the game of monopoly us sober people were playing.
20. My best friend went over to the keg to get some beer. He pumped the keg and proceeded to spray beer all over his phone which he thought was a cup.
I was so stunned I didn’t say anything for like 10 seconds and when I did he looked at me like I was stupid then looked back at his phone and threw it across the room.
21. A really drunk guy took the giant bowl of noodle salad and started trying to feed everyone with it. He would walk up to people and put a spoon in their mouth. He also tried selling his scarf because he owed some guy money.
22. On our way home after the party we got pulled over by a cop for taking too wide of a turn. It was raining pretty hard and our driver wasn’t super familiar with the area.
This is when the drunk jerk laying across the back seat starts panicking and screaming, saying he knows we are getting pulled over because he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt.
Long story short: cops don’t appreciate it when they can tell someone’s freaking out in the back of a car they’re walking up to. Luckily, he was a cool guy, ended up giving our DD a sobriety check and sending us on our way.
We apologized for the actions of the drunk guy but it was pretty late and the cop just seemed glad we had a sober DD. But I don’t recommend reaching through an open car window to try to grab at a cop, even if you’re just trying to stumble through a drunken apology.
23. Him: “Can I use the food garage?”
Me: “The what?”
Him: “Oh, the oven.”
24. This one guy at the party kept randomly praising the invention of balloons as “genius” and “a revolution of the mind”.
25. My friend started belting out the theme tune to an old British kids show called Poddington Peas.
Then he started crying, and said: “when I was a kid there was an episode, about a pea who was too fat to get out of his house – all the other peas tried to help him, but they couldn’t get him out. I remember identifying with that pea – that pea was me!” He cheered up once we bought him a kebab.
26. We had a guy who kept walking up to large groups, pulling up his front facing camera and yelling “what’s up, Snapchat?” Everybody crowded into frame and cheered.
He doesn’t have Snapchat.
27. Me and my friend made gummy worms with booze in them. At one point, someone found some tongs to pick up the worms with, and fed one to one of the girls at the party. He said he felt like a momma bird.
In my drunken wisdom, i decided I wanted a momma bird too and proceeded to flap my arms like a bird and squawk. I was immediately rewarded with a delicious worm.
Cue about 10 people then squawking and flapping their arms in unison as we were being fed spiked gummy worms by a drunk man with tongs.
What a time to be alive.
28. He started taking selfies with his selfie-stick. Inside a fridge at 7/11.
29. A guy sat in the corner in tears. I asked why, and he said because he “didn’t want 2013 to end.”
30. My friend was hosting a party, and got pretty tipsy. As the night wore on, he changed his shirt 9 times, took 3 showers, attempted to drink a shot and spilled it all over himself, then tried to take another shot (someone stopped him because he was pretty far gone).
He also kept grabbing more wristwatches from his room as the night carried on. By midnight, he was wearing 5 or 6.
When I left, he was laying on the floor soaked in booze with his headphones on, not plugged in to anything.
31. This weird Guy showed up and refused to touch or be touched by anyone (hand shakes etc.). Then he got really drunk and someone caught him crapping in a flower pot.
His name was Grant and he claimed to have been an F16 stunt pilot for various films, but another guy at the party knew him and said he’s a plumber.
32. Someone asked me the time and without checking my phone, I just guessed. Got surprisingly close and then said “I may be messed up right now but I’m in tune with the chronoverse.
I immediately passed out after dropping this one, like within five seconds.
33. A woman at the party called her husband “a sad fat dragon.”
He’s really not sad or a dragon.
34. My girlfriend started puking, and between outbursts says: “At least this was good wine. It doesn’t taste so bad coming up!”
35. The host got belligerently drunk, forgot who he’d shook hands with/talked to, and spent the rest of the night making rounds shaking everyone’s hand at least half a dozen times before passing out.
36. Friends friend passed out on the couch still wearing his ski gear, let’s out a huge fart waking himself up. He turned to look at his butt, simply asking “What?” while looking confused.
37. This guy threw up, but he caught it, ran outside, and threw up the rest. Then he went to the bathroom, washed up, came back and sat down next to me with a beer.
He threw up once more about 30 min later and rallied again.
He also ran around with a sheet tied around his neck yelling “I AM A GODDAMN SUPERHERO!”
38. Grandpa got pretty racist towards my black cat.
39. My loudest and most obnoxious friend was walking around shirtless, trying to pick up women, while sporting a generous amount of Cheez Whiz on his nips.
40. I found my friend hiding a statue of a mermaid in the top of my toilet. His reason? It needed to be back in the ocean.
41. Drunkest quote of the night: “Do you think General Mills was a real general?”
42. This guy found out that no had ever peed out of our hosts bedroom window before and decided he needed to be the first to do so. A second story window.
43. So one of our favorite things to say when we don’t wanna do something is the classic Randy Jackson: “Yeah… that’s gonna be a no for me dawg from American Idol.
Well towards the end of the night I was pretty hammered and my friend asks me if I want another shot.
Drunkenly I slur out, “issa dawg for me no”
Needless to say we erupted in drunk laughter for the next 5 mins.
44. A friend of mine was extremely drunk and saw this guy walking his dog. My friend started petting the dog, but when the owner asked him to stop, he started petting the man instead.