Medical professionals were asked: “What is the most overtly self-inflicted intimate injury you’ve encountered, that your patient attempted to pass off as completely innocently obtained?” These are some of the best answers.
1. Man says he “accidentally sat on an inflated balloon” and it somehow ended up going up his butt. Apparently, he then tried to pop it with bamboo skewers. He ended up perforating his sigmoid several times and wound up with a whopping abdominal infection.
2. Man liked to stick the inside of a Bic pen down the wang and jack it. Ended up losing it and it migrated to the bladder. Claimed he was trying to clear an obstruction because he couldn’t pee. Saw him two different times for this.
3. Elderly man and wife enter the ED. The male’s in obvious distress, but he initially refused to elaborate in triage. Once roomed, he will not speak with his wife present.
When alone with staff, he finally tells us. He had a plastic easter egg lodged deep his bum. Asked with what happened, he simply replies, “I wanted to know what it’s like to be a chicken.”
4. A guy came to the ER and asked to be tested for STD’s. When I asked him what had happened he told me that he was driving and stopped to pee behind a gas station..and the moment he finished peeing, a guy jumped out from a bush and gave him a quick kiss on his penis…
5. Woman comes into the ER with a butt plug with a tail sticking out. She initially said that she was dressing up for a kid’s birthday party and that her costume was stuck and she couldn’t take it off.
I wanted to ask well how old was the kid but I didn’t want to embarrass her even more.
6. A teenage boy came into the Emergency department with his mother. I remember he was wearing a long coat and looked kind of glum. Turns out he’d ordered too much KFC and had a drumstick left so what did he decide to do? That’s right, he shoved it up his arse.
Now, the arse wants what it wants and refused to give the chicken leg back, so after some unsuccessful manipulation he did what any teenage boy would do in a situation with no easy solution. He called his mother.
After she also failed to remove the chicken leg, it was determined that a visit to hospital was in order. I remember that after the receptionist took the details she directed them to the waiting room and told them to ‘sit over there’ and with a perfectly straight face the Mum said, ‘I think we’ll stand.’
7. Teenager comes in complaining that he can’t pee. I take him to an examination room and ask him to drop his pants, and to my utter surprise I see 2 iPhone ear buds sticking out of his penis! His story was that he was sleeping naked while listening to music and his ear buds must have fallen out, and while he was tossing and turning, they naturally worked their way into his penis.
Anyway he ended up needing surgery because they’d knotted and we were unable to remove them with the cystoscope.
8. There was a guy who had a jar of peanut butter stuck in his butt. Around his anus was a mess of caked-on peanut butter and dried blood. I believe surgery ended up having to be consulted. He just said, “it just kind of happened.”
9. I worked as an orderly in the local ER as a university student and a man came in with a vacuum cleaner hose stuck on his penis. He arrived wearing a sweater, shoes and a blanket and insisted that he had been instructed to clean his house while nude because of his dust allergy.
While vacuuming, the man had become (his words), inexplicably fatigued and took an impromptu nap with the Hoover still running. At this time, his penis must have flopped into the vacuum hose. His his arousal was, he insisted, involuntary. The hose was finally cut off with a surgical rotary saw.
10. Had a patient come in our psychiatric crisis center who was noncompliant with her schizophrenia meds. She claimed she had seen her OBGYN because the demon in her vagina was becoming more active lately. The OBGYN recommended she come to us.
11. Guy came in with a vacuum cleaner nozzle around his penis. Tried to hide it, and his nakedness by wearing a greatcoat-probably would have gotten away with it except that he didn’t detach the Henry Hoover, which was trailing in after him. I don’t know if they exist anywhere but the UK, but basically a Henry Hoover is a small vacuum with a cartoon smiley face that they paint on the front. Can’t see one without thinking of this incident.
12. Kid took his dad’s penile injections (one form of medical treatment for erectile dysfunction when things like Viagra fail, is a self injection of a mix of medications into the penis) and injected maybe 10x the dose. He claims he was just really into his porn. Long sorry short, erection over 8 hours. Penis was woody and starting to turn black. Barely saved it by doing a shunt procedure. Kid will need a penile prosthesis in the future. We only know because his dad found the vial, and was able to tell us how much was missing.
13. Not exactly sexual but when we had gynaecology and obstetrics in med school, we got this girl in from the psychiatric ward. The reason she got referred to gynaecology was that she was smelly. Yep, really. So we didn’t quite understand the referral until we got in the room and met the patient. The patient is a skinny, young girl, with the foulest necrosis-like odour I have ever felt. It was literally so bad half of us had to leave the room. The paramedics also commented that they had to roll down all the windows when driving her there. According to the referral, the smell had been there for several weeks, and they had tried everything, including forcing her to shower, to make it end, and now they sent her here to rule out gynaecological issues.
Well, what we found when we put her in the stirrups was that this girl had anorexia, and as a means of hiding her uneaten food from the hospital staff, guess where she had been putting her chewed-up pieces of food? Yup. She, of course, told us she had never put anything up there. Well, either theres a disease that makes potatoes grow in your vagina, or she was lying.
We dug out tons of literally rotten meat from this poor girl’s insides, some of it had to have been in there for a while, and put her on antibiotics for the terrible infection she of course had. Hospital food where I went to school isn’t great in general, and it didn’t help to let in ferment for a few weeks in an acidic environment full of bacteria. I will never forget that smell.
14. Guy comes in looking fidgety in a big coat, female nurse asks initial questions but he demands a male. He gets to see a doctor a bit later, and reveals a garden gnome (quite a little one, but still) that was wedged (at the hat), into his butt. It gets removed, he blames an elaborate fall from a ladder, laughter follows and all seems well.
Then… another guy comes in with the EXACT SAME THING! Turns out your not hardcore until you’ve been to a butt gnoming party.
15. Jamaican guy comes in with a “smelly cock”, he wasn’t lying, it wreaked. Through a quick interview it turns out this married guy had recently started banging a girl on the side who was “wild”, and had taught him a neat trick.
Put a rubber band on the base of your cock and it gets “real ard maan”. However, you must remember to remove it. Captain monogamy had forgotten. The rubber band had rolled up and become wedged under his bell end (he was circumcised). It had then attracted an infection while cutting off blood flow to the tip.
The man had what can only be described as trench cock. And, sadly, the dick had to go. After finding out of his impending forced castration, his main worry was his wife finding out. What a guy.
16. Some guy showed up with a squash lodged in his rectum. He needed surgery to get it out. Honestly, just buy a dildo…
17. Not really an injury but we had a guy walk into the ER claiming to have a stick stuck in his urethra. He claimed that the reason a stick was in his urethra was because he put it there to help maintain his erection but then he “lost it”. After several physical exams by multiple professionals, an x-ray was taken of his pelvis and Penis (my job). Turned out to be negative. Doc ordered an ultrasound of bladder and penis. Also negative. The physician came to the conclusion if the patient could urinate then he was fine to leave so they asked for a urine sample. The nurse gave the guy his cup and left the room. When she came back, in the urine sample was an obviously planted stick. It was far to awkwardly shaped to have ever been inserted. And if it was, no way it would pop out with urination.
18. Penis stuck in the handles of a pair of scissors. The penis had gotten so swollen that we couldn’t get the scissors off despite squeezing his penis for 30 min. Had to dremel off the scissors. He said that he fell asleep in his chair while doing arts and crafts naked, and didn’t realize until he woke up that the scissors had ring-tossed onto his dong.
19. Aside from the barrage of household items sucked into the lower intestines of various men claiming they were straight and “please don’t tell my wife,” one of the most memorable foreign body moments was a woman who came into our ER complaining of pelvic pain. Well, that means you just signed up for a pelvic exam, all of which are performed by a doctor with a nurse also present to assist (me). The patient assumed the position, Doctor began the exam, run of the mill stuff, then says, “Oh… Nurse, could you hand me a specimen cup?” I had her one, and the doctor asks the patient, “Did you happen to insert anything into your vagina recently? You have some funny colored discharge and small pebble sized objects I’m removing…” The patient doesn’t miss a beat and says, “Oh, those are just skittles. That’s nothing new, I always put them in there because my boyfriend likes the taste. That whole ‘taste the rainbow’ thing.” She had no idea that her self-inflicted candy-coated vagina, which she had been doing daily for the last week, was the cause of her discomfort.
20. Guy stuck a butter knife in his urethra, into his rectum. Required a huge repair and a colostomy for a while. He says he fell on it, but this guy regularly visits our ED with foreign bodies in his urethra (pens, plastic spoons, rolled up tape).
21. Worked in the ER for 8 years, so I’ve got a lot. Most were fairly generic (if that’s at all possible), but there’s one that stands out due to the sheer audacity of the patient.
A gentleman presents to the emergency room stating that he fell. Upon further assessment (we asked him to sit down and he couldn’t), it’s discovered that while changing a light bulb in his closet (naked of course), he fell off the ladder and landed on an object. What was that object? I thought you’d never ask…
This gentleman had (allegedly) fallen ass first onto the aluminum tube of a two piece vacuum cleaner. You would expect that this would be extremely dangerous, but conveniently this dude stored said cleaning appliance with a couple of tube socks and a latex condom covering the top of it (one would assume to keep the dust out of it). As the pieces of this little mystery came together, the patient never wavered from his original story.
22. One day a guy came with a slug stuck in his bladder. He was playing with his gay partner and thought it would be a good idea to tie a sling to a slug and put in his urethra. Well as you can imagine the slug slipped out of the thread and went inside his bladder. And that was the one and only time I would remove a live slug from someone’s bladder!
23. I work part time security at a hospital emergency room. The other night after a woman had been there about 5 minutes without being taken back, she started to freak out. She started to scream and I quote that “there was shit falling out of her vagina, and that they needed to fix this shit”. We eventually had to restrain her do to her non-compliance and when we had her restrained I look down at the her crotch of her pants and there was nothing but blood. Come to find out she had been having intercourse with a light bulb that busted while inside of her.
24. my mom’s boyfriend works as an ER doctor and had a lot of “interesting” stories. In one which relates to this thread he saw a man in his 50’s who claimed to have a potato in his ass. Turned out that he DID in fact have a potato in his ass. When questioned about it the man claimed that him and his wife often walked around the house naked. Little did the man know however that his wife had left a potato on the couch and when he went to sit down it had inserted itself into his rectum. So to all the women out there, stop leaving your potatoes around, it might end up in your husband’s butt.
25. A couple of years ago there was an artist who decided to surprise his boyfriend with a plaster casting of his anus. Mind you, it was supposed to be a cast of not only the puckered skin around the entrance to thecave but the whole anal canal. What a lovely, artistic and romantic gift, right? Well, something went wrong and the plaster broke the mold and spilled all over his arse, creating a perfectly fitting butt-plug. At that point the guy was too embarrassed to seek medical help so he left it there for a few days. Unfortunately it was a perfect seal so he couldn’t even pass gas. Hours of torment and accumulating shit later, he was in such agony that he asked his boyfriend for help. Their solution? To drill a hole in the plaster. The patient was admitted to the hospital soon afterwards with a drill milimetres from his spinal cord. Thankfully, it didn’t hit any nerves, the plaster was removed surgically and, as far as I know, the patient was released without any major complications. He was very adamant in calling it “art” and was very put off by the surgeons who told him it could have caused major paralysis or even death.
26. Once on Mardi Gras a couple years ago there was a call for an acute onset of paralysis. So as I’m heading up the steps I hear some shouting and I knock on the door, the door is opened by some guy wearing no shirt, visibly sweating and red in the face. So he directs me to the patient. I walked down a long hallway and enter into the room and am met with this scene..
There is a middle aged man, lying face down in the bed, he had myelopathy so occasionally his muscles will contract and he cannot move, unfortunately for him and his um… Friend. They were having anal sex when this happened and the guy got stuck in the “downward dog” position. Now I have to try and assess him through a fit of giggles and my partner had to step outside to laugh it off. I’ll never forget the fact that we basically had to transport him in the position all the way to the hospital. Weird night.
27. My father is a doctor and guy came into the ER with his penis in a vacuum cleaner extension tube. The kind that allows you to reach into places that the hose will not reach. Guys penis was stuck and very badly and he could not get out. My father had to run a blood thinner into his penis via a needle and use ice to really shrink it down. Damn thing came out purple and blue
28. Several years ago, I was in college as a Radiology student, doing my clinical studies in the local hospital. (Past life I was supposed to be a doctor, things didn’t work out.. Long story). One of the other techs was showing me his “best of” favorite X-rays during some downtime. A man had a flashlight stuck in his anus, with the handle sticking out, and light end stuck up his, well, yea. The x-Ray clearly showed the problem… The flashlight’s internals looks intact, but the man forgot to put batteries in his flashlight! I guess he never really found what he was looking for… Another man had shoved and accidentally lodged a Yankee Candle in his bum. The tech told me “that’s no accident. With all the clenching, nothing that big goes in there unless someone wants it in there” So much for “slipping in the shower.
29. I worked as an ER Receptionist for 6 months. So, one day, a 25 y/o man comes in with a trolley that has some machine for electroplating on it. Turns out, his boss didn’t know where it was. We all got a chuckle because he the positive end was in the urethra and the negative in the ass. Guess he wanted to experiment a little…
His boss (who we met the first time) came in a week later. Exact same electroplating machine but turned up a little higher.
Guess what his excuse was? He fell into the electrolysis tank.
30. My college roommate is a resident now and one evening he had a gay couple come in complaining of some pain in the lower abdomen and wouldn’t initially say why. They started checking things out and finally, the couple admitted that they went the to grocery store and bought a long, small diameter salami and some saran wrap and while playing with it, all of a sudden it “just sort of disappeared and couldn’t be found anymore.” When they took an x-ray to see what could be found, they saw a faint white looking haze around the intestine area and thought that couldn’t be the salami but that’s exactly what it was. Pretty much your literal case of “Up your butt and around the corner.
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