1/30. My apartment neighbor dinged my car door once. My mint, red S2000 had a pretty large ding, and his old silver eclipse had red paint on it. I kicked in his door panel from top to bottom, left to right.
2/30. My high school girlfriend was a total control freak and was not a very nice person.
I got tired of her abuse, so I broke up with her on picture day. She took the pictures anyway, but her mascara was everywhere. Two days later, I told her that I was sorry and I wanted to get back together. She liked having someone to walk all over, so of course she said yes.
I broke up with her again two weeks later. On picture retake day.
3/30. I wrote a polite letter subtly insulting a friend of mine. I didn’t even say sorry after. (I’m Canadian.)
4/30. There were twins in my high school, one was a boy and one a girl. In 9th grade, the girl got mad at her brother and told everyone he only had one nut. It backfired tremendously when everyone decided to start saying that she had the other one.
5/30. My girlfriend cheated on me and I was pretty mad, even after I dumped her. Her roommate was smoking hot and wasn’t fond of my ex so I decided to make a move on her.
Best move ever. The look on my ex’s face when her roommate walked me to the door in her underwear after the first night was priceless.
6/30. I covered his ceiling fan with glitter. Fear me.
7/30. I used to work in IT and met some real pieces of work, but there was this one guy who was the worst of them all, by far. Just always horrible and rude. One day the jerk is walking by my desk and he tosses his Blackberry at me. It literally hit me in the chest and landed in my lap. He says, “This doesn’t work…fix it,” and he walks away.
I get to work and figure out that he’s having a problem with his email. While trying to fix the problem, I discover evidence that this married father of two had been having an affair with another man.
So, what to do with this information? Do I tell his wife? His colleages? Ruin his life? Blackmail him?
Nope. I elected not to say a word. He had been living a lie his entire life and it had made him who he is, a miserable person who bullied everyone around him to cope. If I were to reveal his affair, he would have been set free to live his life how he was meant to. He might even know real love and happiness one day.
I realized that by doing nothing and keeping my mouth shut, I was entombing him in his own mental prison for the rest of his life.
8/30. At an all male military boarding school during high school, there was this horrible guy on my hall. Everyone hated him because all he did was crap on everyone else. We took his Febreeze bottle and filled it with pee. Then took said bottle and sprayed his pillow, wall locker and opposite corner. So he gets back, smells urine and immediately grabs his Febreze and douses EVERYTHING.
9/30. I had a friend in high school who became a [jerk] during our senior year. There were a bunch of little things that added up to our friendship falling apart, but at the worst of it, I pooped on his car one night. Real simple, I just crawled up on the hood of his car and took a dump on his windshield. I just knew that he’d walk outside the next day and think, “What is this?”
Fun fact: we’re actually great friends again now. He still has no idea it was me.
10/30. My so-called ‘best friend’ in primary school stole my shiny Pokemon cards. I was only 6 or so at the time, but that didn’t stop me from being a sadistic little first grader, and having older brothers… well, let’s just say I knew how things worked.
Guess who found out the truth about santa, the tooth fairy AND the power rangers all at once? Don’t mess with 6 year old me.
11/30. I held magnets up to all of my room mates 5 and a half inch floppy discs after he had threatened to throw me over the balcony and dumped the houses garbage on my bed. This was before finals and he was a programming and language minor. He bombed an entire semester.
12/30. When I was 7 or 8 I did a science project on the antibacterial efficacy of various soaps. It basically involved growing cultures in petri dishes full of agar.
After I’d finished the experiments but before I’d discarded the dishes, I got into a dispute with my parents. I thought, “I’ll show them.” So I took the nastiest culture and swabbed it onto their bedroom doorknob. They both got sick as dogs and I had to take care of them for a couple of days. Served me right, and I felt horrible after.
13/30. I was being bullied by this kid 2 years older than me in school, but I didn’t want to tell the teachers or my parents, because I wanted to handle it myself. Anyway, he wasn’t hitting me or anything, he was just verbally harassing me during the day; but hey, I was fine with that, I had plenty of friends to chill out with and he was a lonely bully.
So we have to write a physics exam, and we all have those graphing calculators. You can write programs in them and archive them so a RAM reset can’t delete the programs, only a default reset can. Right before the exam, he came to me and told me to give him all the “cheat” programs I had. Well, what he did not know is that I prepared one with wrong formulas for that jerk. When I transferred the program over to his calculator, I had a huge smile on my face. He got a 6 for that exam, which is equivalent to an F.
14/30. One time I pranked someone by going into their host files and blocking Facebook. They couldn’t go on Facebook for weeks. It was pretty messed up.
15/30. My first high school bf did not do very well in school, so he asked me to make him a fake report so he could show his parents and not get into trouble. He also cheated on me with my best friend and dumped me. He then promised to get back with me if I forged the report for him.
I agreed up until the day when we were meant to get our reports for school. I told him I didn’t do it. He got bashed by his dad when he got home for the string of D’s and F’s.
16/30. My girlfriend of 3 years that I dated through high school broke up with me my first semester of college. We went to different schools and I later learned she was hooking up with one of her guy friends there. Anyways when we both were home on break, she asked me to bring back all the stuff she had given me, (presents, sweatshirts, cards, etc). So I drive to her house with all the things we’ve exchanged in the past 3 years. When I got there, I saw that she had invited all her friends over and they were sitting with her, along with her parents, in the garage. I guess she wanted to intimidate me or something. Anyways I walk up with her stuff and exchange. Everyone there had that smirk on their face like they were laughing at me. So as I give her back her things, I say, “If only I could give back your virginity.”
The look on her parents faces was absolutely priceless, and I walked out of that lions den with the biggest smile on my face.
17/30. My neighbour knocked my Dads motorcycle and simply left it lying there on the ground. It smashed a mirror and they didn’t even leave their insurance details. My dad refused to call the police, saying they probably didn’t notice, but I saw them look at it and proceed to carry on with their usual lives. This annoyed me so much that I decided to call 20 taxis, 5 chinese takeaways, and a stripper dressed as a police man to their house all for 1am. It was a really [stupid] thing to do but we all do stupid things, right?
18/30. My best friend since I was 3 years old started texting and flirting, and then eventually sleeping with my boyfriend of 7 years. He was apologetic, regretful, and begging for me back, as was she. It was a mistake they said, never happen again they said. Until it happened again.
Well my best friend was also in a relationship with this guy Billy, who was so heartbroken by her infidelity that he came to talk to me. He felt like a loser having just lost both his girl and his job, so I hired him at my job where I was a manager. We became good friends, and my ex-best friend was going nuts.
I then started a rumor that Billy and I were dating and serious about it. She saw us in a car together, while I was bringing him home, and went nuts. She started following us and texting me, saying “How could you do this to me??! Why would you do this to me??!” but I ignored them. I dipped off the road, and dropped him off at home.
All in all, I got my revenge. I messed with her head. I messed with my ex’s head. Got them all upset, but never actually did the horrible act of cheating that they did. But they all think I did, and I’m ok with that.
19/30. I’m immune to poison ivy, so I was always uprooting it in our yard. This particular day, I’d left it on this concrete area behind our garage.
I frequently walked down to a fishing pond across this canal in my neighborhood; I didn’t always have a functioning bike and the walk was only about a mile. However, there was always this kid, probably 2-3 years older than me, who would do stuff like ride by me on his bike and act like he was gonna high-five me, but then slap my face and ride off, laughing.
On this day, he did that, and I went back home, upset. I got my water gun and was gonna shoot him if he messed with me again. Then I saw the poison ivy and got an evil idea. In the bucket it went with some water, stirred it all up good, then dumped that in my water gun. Went back to the pond. On the way back home he came around messing with me again. I hosed him down and he broke my gun, but man it was worth it.
From what I hear he didn’t go back to school for almost two weeks.
20/30. I used to live in a very small town, like 250-300 people. We had no stores, gas stations etc. One day a local guy decided to open up a little store that sold the basics like groceries and rented movies. He hired a few of us high school kids to work the store, and promised us $50 a week for the summer to be paid at the end of the summer.
We agreed, and started working. We gave up a summer stocking shelves, cleaning the bathroom, lawn care and whatever else. Well the end of the summer comes around. It’s our last day of work, and he comes by with our pay checks. $50. For each of us. For the whole summer.
Needless to say, we weren’t too happy, but his words were “What are you gonna do about it? Drop the key off at my house since you won’t need it anymore.”
We came up with a plan to pay this guy back. Before locking up the store for the last time, we left a window unlocked. We dropped the key off at the house. Around midnight, we were back at the store. Grabbed as much as we could, cigarettes, money from the register, candy. Probably about $1000 worth of stuff, locked the window, then left through the emergency exit that had no alarm. There were also no cameras of any kind.
Next day there were cops there. He accused all of us of doing it, but had no proof. He ended up having to shut down the store a few months later because the town heard how he didn’t pay us and stopped doing business there. I don’t feel bad. He deserved it.
21/30. My brother once stole my bag of skittles and didn’t admit to it. So I bought a bag and opened it carefully so that I could reseal it. I took every skittle, except the green apple, out and replaced them with m&ms. The look on his face was priceless.
22/30. My sister used to beat me up, steal my birthday money, and basically go above and beyond normal sibling rivalry stuff. She’d even spread rumors with my friends and girls I was interested in that I was gay. When mom went shopping for Christmas, my sister would tell her to buy me these horrible clothes to make me look the part. Pretty much went out of her way to make my life miserable. So every time I had to pee in the shower I’d pee in her shampoo and body wash all over her razor, body sponge, everything.
23/30. 11 years ago, I was working almost 24/7 and trying to deal with multiple deaths in the family over the period of a few weeks…no time for anything and going nuts trying to hold it all together. My (now) ex decided that she wasn’t getting enough attention and started screwing around on “business trips.” Eventually I busted her flat out – taped a phone conversation of her telling her friend what she did on her last trip to Florida. It wasn’t pretty.
So I left. Just left. Found a new place to live and at that point simply spread a few (well-documented) facts around. Not rumors, not pooping on someone’s property, just handing out documents.
Those facts involved her mishandling money at work and misreporting consulting income on her taxes. I wrote a couple of editors to publications showing where she’d plagiarized materials. End of career.
She tried to retaliate by refusing to pay me for my share of the house we owned, claiming she was too poor, and then she showed up for work in a new corvette. So I sent my lawyer, a real bulldog, and I had a check in my hand within the week. So then she was broke, discredited, in the hole with the IRS and her funding agencies. Good enough.
Should I have pooped on the ‘vette? Probably. But simply the telling the truth rocks sometimes.
24/30. When I was around 13/14 I used to hang out with my 21 year old neighbors. I didn’t realize at the time that all these guys would do is convince me to do stupid stuff then run away when I got in trouble. This continued until I was about 17 when I finally realized what was going on. I was furious and wanted revenge but by the time I thought up a plan these guys had moved. I decided I would make my move anyways.
These guys were serious stoners and always had parties. I went to a party once and chilled in the back. In my car I had 5 cartons of heavy whipping cream that I had purchased 6 months prior (I left them in the fridge until that day). I took each carton and poured one in each of the air vents. I had one carton left over so I poured it into the A/C unit. The smell coming from the cartons was so rancid and disgusting I had to stop myself from barfing a few times.
A few weeks later the house was up for sale, no one would buy it because of the smell though. They gave up on selling it and tried burning it down. After an investigation the oldest brother was arrested for fraud and served 1 year in prison. I haven’t heard anything about them since.
25/30. Friend and I were fishing at a local creek when my friend’s brother pulled up. Being the jerk he normally was he started throwing rocks in the creek to scare the fish and then he threw my friends bike in the creek. We were 13 at the time, my friend was crying and I felt so bad. I jumped into the creek and got his bike out, told him we would get his brother back.
About a month later we were fishing again and it was the dead of summer. I told my friend today is the day we get his brother back. Caught a 2/3 pound carp, threw it up on the side of the bank and left it there until we were done fishing. At the end of the night went back to his place his brothers car was sitting on the street, we took the carp sliced it open and threw it under the drivers seat and rolled his windows 3/4 up.
The next morning when we woke and left I forgot about what we had done. Well when I rode past JT’s car I noticed the window was kind of black and then I took a closer look it was covered in flies. I actually got scared because I did not expect to a window caked with flies. By the time I got home I was laughing in tears because his brother was always such a jerk to us.
Fast forward to baseball practice about 3 days later, friend had a black eye but smiled at me when we made eye contact. His brother flipped out and ran into his house and punched him in the face. His mom flipped out on his brother, brother was grounded for the rest of summer. His mom said that my friend would never do such a thing and he played along and acted as if he had no idea. Apparently the smell never really left the car. We nicknamed his brother lord of the flies.
26/30. See, my parents suck. I’d been taking care of them for a while, while also going to school and working, and they spent their days living in my house and trying to cheat me, steal my money, or pawn my things. But I became fed up with them.
So the next time they asked me to walk two miles to get them a pack of cigarettes, I walked outside and just left. I had already moved my stuff out, so I stayed at my friends house for a few days until the day my train left, and moved 2000 miles across the country to live with another friend who just got me a job.
Now they’re just worthless pillheads, still waiting for a pack of PalMal Menthol 100’s for the rest of their sad lives.
27/30. Dated a girl who I really liked, but she was always hot and cold to me, and when she was cold, she could really treat me like a bucket of poop. It took me way longer than it should have, but I finally manned up and dumped her. She proceeded to alternately try to win me back and seduce my friends; basically, an immature reaction from an immature person.
So, couple of weeks later, I meet an amazing girl at a concert, and we start dating. This new girl is awesome, cool, fun and sexy, but within a week of dating her, I realize something else about her. My ex had had a job the summer before, which had her basically spending the whole summer with a girl that she had developed a major complex about. Wherever the two went anywhere together, guys would always hit on this other girl and never hit on my ex. It got to the point, that my ex had developed this major anxiety-complex regarding this girl she worked with. By pure random chance, I had gone out and met that girl, and was now dating her.
The satisfaction I felt when I showed up at a party around a month after the breakup, and letting ex see who I was with was immense. She had a total melt down that included crying, screaming and ranting, before screaming at the guy she came with, “Take me home right now, we’re leaving!”
To which he replied, “Call a cab, I’m not taking you anywhere.” It’s the little moments in life that you have to cherish.
28/30. When my younger brother was about 3, my father had to look after him for the day. The plan was that he, after asking his boss, would take him into work for the day. It was office work, and he was friendly with his boss, so my mum assumed it was no big deal.
My father, however, didn’t want a toddler distracting him all day, so he left him in the car with the radio on and a carton of apple juice. This is Britain, so it wouldn’t overheat, but either way he was being a bad parent. At the end of the day he returned back to his car to drive home, expecting a sleeping toddler who wouldn’t tell his mother a thing.
Instead, upon his return, he found his son jumping up and down on the front seats to the radio on full blast, naked and laughing, slipping around and covered in [poop]. He had soiled himself, removed his nappy, and the contents were EVERYWHERE: smeared all over the driver’s seat, the windscreen, the steering wheel, the satnav, the drivers window, even hand printed on the ceiling. Our dad didn’t even know that toddlers could even produce this vast amount of excrement. The only car seat that was completely untouched was his own.
29/30. I was at camp and there was this one really obnoxious kid who kept getting on everyone’s nerves. He was a know-it-all and a tattle tale, and just generally acted like a jerk the whole time he was there.
So one night we’re in the bunk area and it’s just me and this other guy that had the bunk across from me. The little jerk had left a giant bag of Twizzlers open on his bed that was still about 3/4 full. The guy across from me noticed it, hopped down off his bunk and said, “Watch this.” He then proceeds to take every Twizzler and put them down the front of his pants one by one. An hour later when the kid came back I had to leave because I couldn’t hold in my laughter at the sight of him eating his Twizzlers.
30. A buddy of mine posted an ad on Craigslist saying that I was selling my 2 year old Vespa for $500. Obviously that deal was not to be passed up so throughout the day, I had about 50 people calling my cell home trying to buy my scooter. He finally took the ad down at the end of the day and we had a good laugh.
But I was plotting.
The next week, I went to google images and found some pictures of killer home entertainment systems and super-nice furniture and made an ad stating that, “I’m being deployed to Guam by the Army and my family is coming with me.” I proceeded to list all of the items he was “selling” and gave them crazy low, but not impossible, prices. XBox games for $5 each. Flat screen for $150, etc… Enough to make it feel real, yet unresistable. I added a photo of his house that I snagged from Google Streetview and said in the ad, “the sale starts Saturday morning at 4am. Please don’t try to swing by on Friday as you’ll promptly be turned away. See you Saturday!”
He was awoken at 4am on Saturday morning by a line of people all SUPER excited for the deal of a lifetime.