Guys always complain that it’s “so easy” for any woman to get laid whenever they want. Well, if all men are this oblivious, it must be impossible for any woman to get laid ever.
This piece is based on an AskReddit thread. Link on the last page.
1. This one still hurts to remember.
I was hanging out with a coworker at her apartment. Sitting on the couch side by side, she complained that her large breasts were a pain to deal with because of their size, followed by “do you want to touch them?”
I sort of half-juggled them (as though I was comparing the weight involved) and said “hmm, nice.” And that was as far as I went.
Not the only signal I missed that night, but probably my defining moment of obvious failure.
2. “I need to practice making out.”
“Cool. I gotta go.”
3. This happened over text.
Girl: Are you going to that party?
Me: Yeah for a little bit. Probably gonna be boring.
Girl: Yeah…was thinking of just staying in.
Me: Probably a good plan.
Girl: So yeah…I’ll just be here tonight. Roommates are gone.
Me: Sounds nice. My roommates never leave.
Girl: Ok. So. I’ll be here all alone in my apartment. By myself. If the party sucks.
Me: Good for you.
That night she put up a Facebook status that said “Wow, some people really are just that oblivious” and then I got the hint.
4. “You should come over.”
“And what would I be doing over there?
“Sleeping with me.”
I assumed it was a poor choice of words.
5. This was with a girl I was dating in high school. We were making out on my bed and I started kissing her neck. She says, “Stop, thats turning me on!” but in a playful way.
Youngster me was like, “Woah, she doesnt consent.” So I awkwardly backed off and got her out of there.
6. In high school I walked into a classroom and a very attractive girl that was an acquaintance of mine came up to me and said: “Hey, did you know that Rodrigo and I broke up?”
I said, “Oh, sorry to hear that,” and went on my way.
Then I spent the rest of the day and night thinking about that. Why the hell would SHE tell me that? Why the hell would she tell ME that? Why was she smiling when she told me that?
The next time I saw her, I asked her what she was doing that weekend and she said, Nothing, do you want to go to a movie?” And that was the moment that I realized what was happening. And I wound up getting a date out of it.
And eventually, a family.
7. My best friend and I spent a couple of hours talking on the phone.
During the conversation we talked about her sex toy collection, and how a particular one was her favorite. We talked about things that turned us on; one of hers was the smell of cooked garlic. She mentioned she was making a dish that used cooked garlic while we were talking.
By the end of the conversation she had stripped, making sure to tell me she was naked; that she was going to take a shower, and that her front door would be unlocked.
She couldn’t have made it any plainer without straight out telling me to come have sex with her, and I totally didn’t pick up on any of the clues until months later. But by then it was too late.
8. She said: “I do tarot cards. Just before I came here, I did a reading and it said my night would end with a bang.”
It may have, but I had nothing to do with it.
9. We were seeing a movie together and she said she was cold. I said, “Yeah it’s pretty chilly” and did nothing. Later she said it again, pretty obvious what she wanted. I proceeded to give her my jacket to put around her.
I’m a practical man, but not a sexually active one.
10. Girl invited me upstairs for coffee after a date. I replied with something very similar to:
“No thanks, I don’t like coffee. It keeps me up.”
It wasn’t until I was watching Seinfeld some time later that I realized George Constanza literally did the same thing. I have the dating skills of George Constanza.
11. I was 17. The year was 2007. Smartphones were coming out, BluRay was the hype. You could get an amazing mortgage from Washington Mutual. Deal or no Deal swept the country as Rihanna invited us to stand under her umbrella -ella -ella.
A former co-worker of mine from a pretzel store in the mall invited me over to her house to watch a movie on a Saturday night. I always found her cute and I liked her, so I figured, “Why not?” and ditched my friends to see her.
Anyway, I got to her house, big, beautiful mansion. There were no vehicles on her driveway and all the lights were off except for one.
I knocked on the door and she answered. Wearing short shorts and a tight tank top, holding a Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
She explained that her family was on vacation about 800 miles away, but she had to stay behind because we took the SATs that day. She invited me upstairs to her room where she only had a bed and a tv. I’m wondering why we didn’t go to the family room where she had one of those awesome LCD TVs. She offered me a drink, and I said no.
She told me to lay in bed with her as we watched The Guardian.
Then I watched The Guardian with her.
Then the movie ended.
Then I said goodnight and drove back home.
Then I hated myself for the rest of my life.
12. “So what do you like in a girl, sexually.
“I guess what’s important to me is friendship.
Ugh. I accidentally friendzoned a smart, beautiful woman.
13. A girl I’d been chatting with for a while asked to come back to my hotel room to see my music collection on my laptop.
So I took her back and showed her my music collection for 30 minutes. That’s not a euphemism, I literally did that until she took pity on how clueless I was and basically jumped me.
14. Went on a date with a woman and she asked if I wanted to come back to her place and stay over. I thought it was perfect as I had work in the morning and she lived right around the corner.
I literally got into her bed, said good night, turned over and went to sleep. About a year later something reminded me of that night and the penny dropped. What an idiot.
15. I had been hanging out with this one young lady for a while, but I didn’t really know whether we were dating or not. We were driving back from a ski trip one night, and we were talking about special skills we had. She blurted out, “I know how to put a condom on a guy without using my hands.”
“I bet you’d like to see that,” she continued.
“Yeah,” I said, obliviously. “Too bad I don’t have a cucumber on me.”
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
16. A lifetime ago in high school the extremely cute exchange student from Spain sort of cornered me and started asking questions about an upcoming school dance. What is it like? Is it fun? Are you going with anyone?
Ynez, if you’re out there, I’m sorry. I’m a dope.
17. This chick was at my house and we were having a few drinks. She went in to use the toilet. She came out and told me she had lost her bra. So I went in and found it for her and continued drinking.
It was “lost” under the blankets on my bed. Subtle as a brick to the face.
Even worse, she came and helped me look, bra-less. Said she may have lost it in my bedroom (obviously to get me in there). Jesus, it gets worse the more I remember it.
18. I drove every week from PA to Chicago to see a girl I had a crush on. She still lived with her parents, so I never stayed the night.
She always was flirty, but “then me” was oblivious. When I stayed later than usual one night, and I yawned, she said, You should just stay the night. We can get a hotel room.”
I said, Nah, I’m good to drive, I’ll make it.” She said, No, don’t be silly. We can hang out tonight.
I was in the middle of Ohio when I realized what she meant.
19. We were watching TV in my living room at roughly 2am, in the dark, when I noticed she was putting on strawberry lip gloss.
Me: Why are you putting on lip gloss?
Her: Strawberry lip gloss tastes so nice.
Me: Youre weird.
Her: Have you ever secretly wanted to taste it?
Me: I already know what it tastes like
Commence several years of late-night self loathing and regret.
20. Got a late night tech support call from a female friend. Went over, fixed the computer, thanked her for the call cause it was an interesting issue, and left. I found out about a week later it was meant to be a booty call. The girl was so baffled by my reaction that she never tried again.
21. Had a girl I liked on top of me late one night at a party. She literally said “I want to have sex with you.” Virgin me just thought she was being silly and promptly fell asleep.
22. Her: “Hey, I’ve got a pillow fort up in my room if you wanna check it out.”
Me: “Okay cool. Well, see ya!”
I had lunch plans right after I walked her to her dorm, so I didn’t think about going up to check out that sweet pillow fort she had. Im pretty sure it was a pillow fort made of sex.
23. Met a girl at a school club convention in another city. There was a dance in the hotel on the last day. Girl I was dancing with asked if she could drop by my room in the morning to “read the funny papers” before we all had to check out.
I literally bought a newspaper.
24. When she insisted on bringing a bottle of wine from her restaurant back to my place. When I said no, she then said,well then can I come over without the bottle of wine.
I said I was tired, and I fell asleep watching Golden Girls. I wasnt too tired for sex. Im never too tired for sex.
25. Me: “I really wanna try to sleep with a tall girl, see how it’s like.”
Attractive Girl: “Well, I’m 6 feet 2” (I’m about 5 feet 8)
Me: “Nah, I was thinking about 7 feet tall”
Still haunts me.
26. I had a girl literally just explicitly say she liked me and wanted to date and I assumed she was joking. She was not.
27. One of the most beautiful and smartest girls I’ve met in my life leans up against a nearby car and tells me, “You should ask me out.”
Never did. Only after she started acting angry at me did I realize she had a crush on me the whole time.
28. Was in a movie with my girlfriend and she undid her top for me. I didn’t notice much so she kept on taking my box of M&M’s and leaving it on her chest. I asked her if something wrong and asked her if she wanted M&M’s 🙁
29. This was back in high school…
Her wanting to be around me all the time during breaks, constantly hugging me, constantly wanting me to go with her places she needed to go (or just walking around campus), running up to me with a huge smile on her face every time.
I liked her back then as well, but my insecurity was at a all time high back then so I kept telling myself that there was no way she liked me and just wanted to be friends. Years later I would find out that, yeah, she did like me back that and that I was just an idiot for not seeing it.
30. Invited me over to watch a movie as the parents were out that night, I chose to go to my rec soccer game.
31. Girl I was texting said something along the lines of “My roommates and I want to get ice cream.” I offered to drive knowing none of them had cars. Show up to their dorm, only she comes out. We get ice cream to go and I dropped her back off.
32. In class a girl asked if we could study together for a minor quiz at her place.
A friend overhears and asks if he can join us. I say yes immediately before she can say anything. Strike one.
She sends us her address and a time. I show up and she answers the door in a bikini.
There’s nobody else at her place. She says she was sunbathing and asks me into her room while she changes. I look away to be polite and then make small talk once she’s done.
My friend shows up 30 minutes later, turns out she told him that the study group started 30 minutes after what she told me.
33. Had a class with the girl who ended up being prom queen in high school.
“We should hang out at my place sometime.”
“Yeah I’m pretty busy though.”
I was so stupid.
34. After our first date we were sat in her car outside my house. I wasn’t entirely sure whether it was a date or not as we’d been to see Hot Fuzz at the cinema. We’d been chatting, having a good time but nothing said, “She’s really into me!” and as we worked together I didn’t want to screw things up at work by making a ridiculous move like the bumbling idiot I am.
She asked to come in. And I turned her down. I said it’s late and we’d wake my parents (it was 11:30 or so at night). I said goodbye and got out the car, (no kiss, nothing) went indoors. A month or two later she told me she really wanted to sleep with me that night.
We’re engaged now and have two beautiful children so it worked out ok in the end.
35. A girl wrote a poem about me and said, “Joe said he thinks this poem is about you, what do you think?”
And then had me read it. The poem described me exactly and said about wanting to be with the person the poem was referring to and all that, and I still assumed since she was out of my league that the poem wasn’t about me.
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