1/30. I once had a graphic designer apply for a post using my artwork in his portfolio. Asked him all about the work and the thinking behind the designs before I showed him the originals and the door.
2/30. My 13-year-old daughter ran away from her mother’s home and appeared at my doorstep with a bruise on her face. She informed me her mother had backhanded her and bounced her face off the refrigerator door handle.
A year later in court to gain custody, the court justice asked about the abuse. I told him how my daughter showed up with bruises on her face. My ex stood up and shouted that she would never do such a thing to her child.
I told the justice, “When my daughter showed up she informed me that her mom had backhanded her and bounced her face off the liquor cabinet.”
Without missing a beat my ex said, “It wasn’t the liquor cabinet it was the refrigerator!”
3/30. Lube tech at a Jiffy Lube tried to convince me that I needed a radiator service on a car that didn’t have a radiator. He even showed me a PH strip to “prove” that the fluid had gone acidic.
I told him if he could show me the radiator, I’d cheerfully pay for the service. His face when he opened the front of my car and found the trunk there instead of an engine was pretty priceless.
4/30. Was dating a woman I was fairly certain was cheating on me. One night she broke plans with me in a rather unexpected way, citing that she was simply too worn out to hang. The next day on our way to the mall:
Me: So I stopped by your place last night to talk. Rang the doorbell and knocked for like ten minutes, but you never answered. (The trap is laid.)
Her: Yeah, I know. I heard you but I just didn’t feel like getting out of bed. (The mouse examines the cheese.)
Me: You heard me? (The spring tenses.)
Her: Like you said, you were knocking and ringing the bell for like ten minutes. How could I not? (Mouse bites cheese.)
Me: Because I was never there. Clearly neither were you. (SNAP!)
5/30. When I was in college I had just gotten two new front tires for my car. A week later my back tire was punctured by a nail. So I went to the local tire shop to have it replaced.
Later that day they gave me a call:
Tire Shop:”I noticed that the treads on your front tires look dangerously low and they should be replaced. I can do it today for X dollars.”
Me: “So you are telling me that my two front tires are dangerously worn down?”
Tire Shop: “Yes.”
Me: “My brand new tires that I bought last week?”
Tire Shop: “Oh…”
Me: “Forget fixing the puncture. I’ll be by in a minute to pick up my car.”
6/30. Ex-husband: “No, I’m not having an affair!”
Me: “Well, then why do I have two hundred pages worth of IMs, texts and emails with sexual content sent between you and her?”
Him: “I, uh, I was hacked!”
Me: “For 4 and a half years?”
Me: “How did the hackers get these 37 photos of you nude?”
Him (and I kid you not!): “That’s not me.”
Spoiler: it was definitely him, birthmark, pasty fatness, and all.
7/30. Not me, but a good friend who is Autistic and pretty awkward.
She went to church group with a friend, and the leader of the group was picking on her the whole night. She’s an easy target, as she’s sweet and blundering. She leaned over to grab something, and her shirt rode up a little bit. The leader shouted, “Ewww! I can see your underwear!”
My friend shouted back, “No you can’t! And you’re a liar. I’m not wearing underwear!”
8/30. My ex told me she was sick and couldn’t go out with me that night. For some reason, her best friend was mad at her that night and called me to tell me my GF was cheating on me with a guy named Mike. She even told me where he lived.
I go to the front door and knock. Some dude answers and I say “Is Mike here?”
“Yeah, he’s up in his room,” pointing up the stairs. Then this dude just stands aside to let me in.
I walk up the stairs, open the door, and there’s my GF putting her shirt back on. All she says is, “WHAT THE HECK!”
Dude is still in bed under the blankets. She goes into hysteria mode, asking me how I found her, how I got in, while this guy keeps saying, “Dude, I did NOT know she had a boyfriend!” over and over.
The situation was so messed up that I just had to giggle.
9/30. We used to know this girl who compulsively lied about the littlest things, so we always wondered if she was lying about other things. Mainly we wondered if she was lying about having epilepsy.
Well, she faked a fit in front of a group of us once, at a party. She started pretending to shake, fell to the floor and so on. She then stopped, confirmed that people were looking and paying attention, and then continued. We told her to stop and that she was obviously faking.
10/30. When I was younger one of my SNES games went missing and I was pretty sure it was a close friend of mine who’d taken it. I loved him dearly so didn’t want to upset him and confront him about it so I came up with a cunning plan.
I told my friend that I thought one of my games had gone missing and that I’d notified the police. I also mentioned that I’d recently had my games chipped which the police could track so I was fairly confident that I’d have it back soon.
He was round my house within two hours to “help me look for it”. He didn’t even subtly look for 5 minutes, he went straight under my front room sofa and magically produced the game and said, “Look you silly idiot, it’s here! You’d better let the police know!”
I even pretended to ring the police to report it found. Still love the guy.
11/30. My boyfriend used to work third shift at a popular gas station on the East Coast. He worked with one of those notoriously terrible coworkers that calls in all the time with tons of excuses. Well, one night, she called out saying that she was sick, that she was vomiting and feverish, couldn’t come in, sorry. The only person available to work her shift was the district manager, who happened to be in the area for a meeting. DM comes in and works cashier with my boyfriend.
Around 3AM, who should walk in but the called-out coworker, wasted beyond belief. She bought two rolls of Tums and ate one while waiting in line. Waiting in line for the DM to ring her up…and fire her on the spot.
12/30. One time my family’s company was throwing a company Christmas party at an upscale restaurant in NYC. We were in a private room upstairs but it wasn’t like there was security or anything like that, so anyone could (and eventually did) come upstairs to mooch.
I’m there with several members of my family having a good time, enjoying some food and drinks, and getting to know people in the company. I’m sitting at a table with several employees I had just met, and two of my cousins who worked with them, when two guys come up to our table and introduce themselves. They were professionally dressed, were quite friendly.
They start asking people what they do, flirting with several of the girls at the table, and generally acting somewhat rude. So I ask what they do at the company, and they say that their family owns the business. I take a long look at the two of them, take a sip off my drink, and say.
“Oh really? I must have missed you at the last family reunion. By the way I’m Theodore Company’s Name , nice to meet you.”
The look on their faces was priceless. They put down their drinks and just walked out.
13/30. This girl from my high school lied about having breast cancer to everyone. She even got “counseling” from a teacher who actually did have breast cancer, and has since died. Eventually everyone found out she was lying about the whole thing for attention, and I doubt we’ll ever see her at a high school reunion.
14/30. I had a phone call from a company claiming that my pc had called them and notified them of an error in it’s essential system files. I simply replied, “How exactly did my pc ‘call’ you?”
There was an awkward silence for a second or so before they thanked me for my time and hung up the phone.
15/30. My ex was away for the summer in Edmonton but we decided that we’d stick out the distance. My dad worked for a major airline, so we get very cheap flights, and my sister wanted to see West Edmonton Mall, so we went on a trip to see her.
I get to her place and she seems happy to see me, but something didn’t feel quite right. I had arrived early, and she needed a shower.
While she’s in the shower, someone knocks on the door. I was the only other person in the house, so I answered. There’s a guy about my age. He actually kind of looked like me. It was a little creepy.
He says, “Is Melissa here?”
“Yup, she’s just in the shower and we were heading out right after that for lunch, can I help you with anything?”
He responds: “Well I’m Melissa’s boyfriend.”
I started putting my shoes on, opened the door and told him to come in, before saying, “Me too!” and walking out.
16/30. I went to a Chicago Bears game with my friend and his grandfather, who had had season tickets to the Bears for a long long time. We get to the seats, which are in an awesome location, to see four guys sitting there.
My friend’s Grandpa tells them, “Guys, you are in our seats, can you please move?” One of the dudes is a huge jerk and says, “Well I don’t see your name on them!”
Grandpa points to the back of the seat nearest to him, which in fact has an engraved nameplate with his name on it. Since he had the same seats for so long, he was able to get them engraved. It was amazing watching these four idiots stammer and walk away.
17/30. Years ago, I had a friend that often made up outrageous lies to get attention, but being her good friend I didn’t call her out on them as she was having a lot of home life problems and was a pretty lonely girl.
Said she had a secret boyfriend and would bring in a picture to show us, what she brought in was a badly cut out picture of Aaron carter from a magazine, which was glued to a piece of card so we couldn’t see the snippet of dating advice from a teen magazine on the other side.
18/30. I work for a broadcast camera house – we rent out camera systems to shows, news, sports etc. A few years back, a client rented a few cameras and some specialty lenses – including one very rare, very expensive fisheye.
So, the package comes back at the end of the job, and the lens has a divot the size of a quarter taken out of the front element. I mean, this thing was trashed. I call the producer to have the “You broke it, we’re billing you to fix it” conversation. Within seconds, the conversation breaks down to “This is BS, we never even used it, it never came off the camera truck, I can’t believe we’re being treated this way etc. etc. etc.”
Meanwhile, it turns out that the client had also rented a few tape decks. One of the still had a tape in it. On a whim, we watched the tape, and – surprise! – it wasn’t footage from the camera with the lens in question, VERY CLEARLY showing the truck driving straight into the camera, chipping the lens.
Ended up being a $20,000 repair bill. Never heard from him again. It was worth it.
19/30. When I was 7 or 8, I was all about collecting Pokemon cards. I had a binder set up with the card protectors, pokemon stickers, my own personal pokemon drawings, the whole shebang. My most prized card was my holographic Moltres.
One day, I noticed there was a SCRATCH on the card and threw a fit like only an 8-year-old could. I immediately asked my younger brother if he had been taking out my cards, which he vehemently denied. I started to think that maybe I had accidentally scratched the card which brought about a mini-existential crisis. I kid you not, I lost sleep thinking I couldn’t look after my Pokemon cards.
Anyway, the next day I’m at the bus stop with my brother and my neighbor when my neighbor starts talking about how cool my brother’s HOLOGRAPHIC MOLTRES is. I just stared at my brother and he started crying. Then I chased him down the street.
20/30. My buddy was dating my roommate for a while. When they broke up, she went all crazy on him and starts telling him she’s pregnant and it is his. After he told me this, I started noticing that the stash of tampons my roommate kept under the sink were dwindling.
I mentioned this to him, and I’ve never seen a more relieved person.
21/30. I met this dude who wanted to join my band, and he said he was a huge Pearl Jam and Rolling Stones fan. So I had asked him If he was a fan of the band “Stone Sessions”, a band I made up on the spot. He told me he had every one of their albums. The look on his face was priceless when I told him I made up the band.
22/30. I was checking ID’s in a club and a kid handed me my own, that I had lost many years ago. I started questioning him and he knew my parents’ names, my address, DOB, etc. The kid had been studying, since my family name is really hard to pronounce. He even went as far as to sign a piece of paper imitating my signature.
When I told him it wasn’t his ID he insisted it was and threatened to call the police. In that moment, I pulled my wallet, showed him my ID and told him I would be keeping the old one. His face was priceless, the rest of the bouncers and I had a good laugh.
23/30. Last year, I had the opportunity to join a masterclass in Photoshop taught by one of those Adobe guys. He came up with this great idea to watermark your photographs/digital work with 1% of grain, absolutely invisible to the naked eye.
One of his pictures gets stolen, and he sues the guy. In court, with obviously both sides claiming it is their photograph, the guy puts the original file he had, and the file from the guy on top of each other in photoshop, and filters out the difference. And there you go, a beautiful watermark. He said that he never saw someone getting that red so fast.
24/30. I worked in an IT department and had the option of taking some leave time as cash. This required submitting a form to my then manager, who had it in for me at the time. After several hours, I decided to take a stroll over to Accounting and talk to a fellow co-worker to see if she had received the paperwork. She hadn’t. I then asked if there would be any foreseeable problem with issuing me the cash. “Nope,” she said. “Just need the paperwork.” I went back to my desk and not five minutes later, my manager walked by the door on her way home for the day (at 1:30 no less) and told me that she had talked to Accounting and said they couldn’t issue me the check.
“That’s funny,” I replied, “because I just spoke to her 5 minutes ago and she said it wouldn’t be a problem. Let’s go talk to her.”
“No, no….I’ll go talk to her,” my manager replied.
And wouldn’t you know it, I got my check 15 minutes later!
25/30. Had an old 1984 Mazda 626 that had a rear wheel bearing die. Being about 18 at the time I didn’t know as much about cars as I do now, but I still knew enough to tell the mechanic at Canadian Tire was full of crap.
The car was pulled into the shop, they lifted it up on the hoist and the wheel fell off. It was still bolted to the brake drum, the bearing had just come apart, but I didn’t really know that. All we saw was the exposed internals of the rear brakes. The mechanic saw the look on our faces and thought “cha ching” as they received a portion of parts sales back then. A couple hours later he calls back and says he has a quote. I look through the list of about 15 items and the total of $2,600 and immediately called a tow truck.
I went through the list and pointed out five items that didn’t even exist on the car. Rear brake caliper, rear differential, etc. I tore into the guy and eventually his manager and told them I wasn’t paying a cent for the diagnosis.
I got the car home and, with the help of the Haynes manual, installed the $34 wheel bearings myself in about an hour and the car worked perfectly for about five more years.
26/30. I drive a very nice luxury/performance sports car, and on this particular night, I had driven it to a friends and parked it in an area that is easily visible to the street and is near a good amount of bars.
When I come back down, there’s this guy and three girls around the car, and he’s telling them he lives in the condos next to the lot and he just forgot his keys to the car up there. He keeps talking about being “VP of Investments” for some company I’ve never heard of, and telling the girls they should “have a night on the town” with him because he’s paying.
So I walk up to my car and say, “Don’t touch the car man, I just got it detailed yesterday!” Then I pulled the key out, got in, and drove off.
27/30. An ex-girlfriend of mine called to tell me she was pregnant and that she needed money to terminate the pregnancy. I did the math quickly in my head and realized that there was no way she could be pregnant by me because we had stopped “having relations” long before we split. So, I told her that as “the father” I had rights, too, and that I wanted her to have the child and I would take full custody (and pay her medical bills). She was speechless and then said, “I’ll call you back.” She called a day or so later saying she had a miscarriage.
28/30. A girl I go to school with did everything she could for attention. She walked into class one day with a huge bruise on her cheek, claiming that she had been punched in the face at a party. Fast-forward a few days and we’re both at a mutual friend’s house, she still has the “bruise” and wont stop talking about it and trying to make us feel bad for her. Upon looking a little closer, I see that the “bruise” is slightly sparkly. It’s obviously makeup.
So I tell her that I have something to put on bruises to make them heal faster, and she agrees to try it out. It was actually makeup remover. I put some on a cotton pad and with one swipe, the bruise was gone. At first she tried to keep the lie going, saying, “Wow! That stuff really works!” and such, but then she gave up and stormed out of the house throwing a fit.
29/30. One of my friends goes in to the car mechanic and to get something done. The mechanic says he needs new radiator hoses, so this kid pays for the new hoses.
A few months later, his mom takes the car back in for an oil change, and guess what, the very same mechanic says she needs new radiator hoses! She tells her husband, and her husband drops by. This is where it gets good.
Husband: “You said I needed new radiator hoses, right?”
Husband: “How long are those supposed to last”
Mechanic: “A few years, then they get rigid and run the risk of leaking.”
Husband: “I got my radiator hoses changed out a few months ago, would you sign an affidavit saying that the last mechanic to work on my car charged me for work he didn’t do?”
The husband then used the affidavit to sue the mechanic for three times the cost of the work, and split it with his son.
30/30. I was webmaster at a company a while back. My job was to handle all things Internet. One day a salesman asked me to check our mail server. A client had sent a message that bounced. Checked it out, mail server was fine.
A little while later, a customer called and said they couldn’t get to our web site. I checked it out. Web server fine, serving up pages to other users.
As the day progressed, the complaints got more frequent, but from where I was sitting, everything looked fine; DNS, everything. Then I checked the domain record. It was expired that very day. This meant that our presence on the internet was slowly disappearing as DNS caches around the world expired. Nobody could use our products. Units in the field that relied on a connection were malfunctioning.
So I started emailing the accounting woman. She blamed me, claiming she never got the bill. There was a storm of internal email activity involving all levels of the company. She stood her ground.
Then my boss came to my desk and we went to see her. She said straight to our faces that she never got the invoice. But right there, on the far side of her desk, it sat, plain as day. I just looked at my boss and pointed to it.