So long, farewell!
It’s your one last chance to make a mark on this Earth. What will you say when that time comes? Will you go out with a bang?
People on Reddit were asked: “What are the funniest last words someone could say before dying?” These are some of the best answers.
1. “Given the choice of dying or listening to you on more minute, Id rather-“
2. I’m kind of partial to actual last words in history. I read one once where a commander was standing too close to a battle and someone advised him to back away, the commander said…
“They couldn’t hit an elephant from this distance.” Then he got shot.
3. I’m studying to be a pilot in school and my professor told us that if he was ever crashing and he knew he couldn’t recover and would die, he’d say over the radios, “Look at the size of those tentacles!” And the FAA and NTSB would be so confused.
4. “Download my mixtape fam”
5. “Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.” -Oscar Wilde
6. I’m pretty sure my grandfather’s dying words were the funniest I’ve heard. He said “N, nu skiter jag i det hr”, which roughly translates to “Eh, I can’t be bothered anymore.”
7. “What are ya gonna do? stab me?”
8. “Tell the governor that he has lost my vote” – Some guy that was sentenced to death.
9. Henrik Ibsen’s made me laugh.
Nurse: “Well you seem to been doing better today”
Ibsen: “On the contrary”
He then died.
10. These weren’t my grandmother’s last words, but while she was in the hospital before she died she was sleeping, and her breath got slow, and it looked like it would be the end. Then she woke up and said “Oh, I thought I was dying.”
11. “Hey…. You guys wanna see a dead body?”
12. “This water isn’t deep enough for sharks.” -he said before being eaten by a crocodile.
13. I thought the last words of the murderer James French before he went to the electric chair were pretty amusing: “How’s this for your headline? ‘French Fries'”.
14. “I still know what you did last summer!”
15. One of my relatives was in a beer garden in Nazi Germany at the time… The Olympics coming to Germany? Over my dead body…
Then he died.
16. My grandpa was about to go from pancreatic cancer. He wouldn’t stop working on re-roofing his barn so bessie could sell it (his wife, my grandma). So to stop him from working and to let him go peacefully my dad and his brothers hid my grandpas framing hammer. His last words were “where is my goddamn hammer?
17. Supposedly when Joan Crawford was dying her maid was in the room and started to pray. Joan said “Don’t you dare ask God to help me” then died.
18. I work in the Humanitarian Relief sector and this topic came up about when some friends were talking about the recent beheadings by ISIS.
The idea that while you were blindfolded in the desert turn to the camera and say (something like): “Is this an elaborate febreeze commercial?”
19. My Grandfather laying in bed, rife with cancer that would kill him around 15 minutes later, when asked how he felt replied – ” I feel as nimble as a stone pig trough.
20. “I love you all and if I’m lying may God strike me down.”
21. “I left $50,000 in the-” [dies]
22. Unfortunately for our hero, St. Lawrence was sentenced to death. The method of execution? He was to be tied to an iron grill over a slow fire that roasted his flesh.
After a sustained period cooking to death on the grill, St. Lawrence turned to his persecutor and said “Turn me over, I’m done on this side!”
And just before he died, he said, “It’s cooked enough now.”
23. Holding your loved ones hand; “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier, just head to random coordinates“.
Have generations of people searching for nothing.
24. As the priest performs the last rites and says “Do you reject satan and his ways?” Respond with “It’s too late in life to make enemies.”
25. My grandad was on his last legs, his family surrounded him. Aunt said to him through heavy sobs “It’s okay, you can go now dad.”
Grandad mustered up the strength to say “I’m not gone yet!”
…and those were the last words of my grandfather.
26. When my grandfather knew he was dying he wanted his last words to be “Beam me up Scotty!” as he was a big Star Trek fan. What he actually got out was “Man George Bush is a [jerk]”. But we used the former in his eulogy.
27. “10/10 would live again.”
28. “Go to my computer and delete my browser history…”
29. “These are my last words. No, these are my last words. [Now], these are my last words…”
30. When we were kids having sleepovers, I had one friend who would insist upon ending every night’s bedtime conversation with the word “[butt]” just as he drifted off to sleep, so that it would be his last word if he didn’t wake up.
Years later, I often carry on the tradition, especially if I’m somewhere new or shady or just want people to know that my last word was “[butt]”.
31. One french criminal in the 19th century was hanged on a public place. The last sentence he said was “The week is gonna be terrible” It was a Monday.
32. My aunt was dying of cancer, as everyone gathered around her at her home while she was about to pass, the family gathered around with glasses of wine. Someone asked if they should give her one and she said “What is it going to do? Kill me?” Man, she was the freaking best.
33. Del Close (the father of improv) on his deathbed famously said “I’m tired of being the funniest person in the room” after having the nurse give him a near lethal dose of morphine.
34. I would love to just point at a random person(hopefully not someone who works at the hospital or family) and say “I blame them.” Loud enough for them to hear it. This all depends on how I go out.
35. I remember a story when my father was close to death. He had a friend sitting next to his bed talking to him and a nurse at the end of the bed doing her nurse thing. He had no idea his friend was next to him so he said to the nurse “what are you, a bloody ventriloquist?” He was a funny guy right to the end.
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