What’s school without a little bit of wit and humor? Here, impressed students and teachers share the most sarcastic response they’ve ever heard in a classroom.
1. My high school science teacher had this… rule. She had a clock in the back of the class, behind everyone. If you looked at the clock, she’d ask you a random question because she assumed you weren’t listening. She wouldn’t say your name, so you’d have to listen.
She asked my friend a question; “Give me an example of a natural chemical in the body.”
He responded with “My brain is losing dopamine from listening to you. This chemical is responsible for happiness.”
2. Back when I taught first grade, we were doing a writing assignment about Thanksgiving. The kids had to draw a picture of their family celebrating Thanksgiving, and then write about it. One little girl drew the table and chairs, and that was all. I knew she just didn’t feel like doing the work, so I tried to prompt her. I asked where the food and her family were, and she snapped right back with, “They’re washing the dishes.” Had to give her credit for coming up with a logical argument for not doing the work!
3. A kid in my math class would sleep on his desk. One day the teacher called on him to answer a problem on the chalk board. He woke up, solved the problem on the board with zero difficulty, and then just went back to sleep.
The teacher repeated the same thing a few times with similar results, and then just let him sleep the rest of the year.
4. This really shy kid that doesn’t really speak much was getting picked on by this mean girl when the teacher tells her, “Be nice to him, he might be your boss someday.”
Without missing a beat he replies, “No thanks, I don’t want to be a pimp when I grow up.”
5. My history teacher would spend half the class making jokes directed at the students. One student in particular always took the jokes on the chin and never really made any comebacks.
Eventually, the teacher called him out and jokingly lectured him about standing up for himself. He ended his rant with “You’ve gotta be a man. You’ve gotta be like me.”
The student replied with: “Well which one? Do you want me to be a man or do you want me to be like you?”
6. This is sort of a reversed situation, but there was this awesome history teacher I had freshman year of high school who was just always in an amazing mood. We’ll call him Mr. Smith.
One day everyone is sitting in class waiting for the tardy bell to ring when a kid sneaks a condom onto the door handle. The bell rings and Mr. Smith walks into the room, grabs the handle to close the door, and pulls the condom off of it. Looks at the condom-helmet for a split second and stuffs it into his pocket while saying, “Thanks, I’ll need this later.”
7. We had a teacher that would always threaten to phone our home if we were misbehaving, but she promptly stopped after this:
Teacher: “What would your mother say if I called home right now?”
Student: “She would say hello.”
8. I’m not a teacher, but I had a friend in school who was always pretty dramatic. She actually did have IBS though. So we’re in this teacher’s class and she keeps asking to use the bathroom.
The teacher says no and my friend’s like, “I have IBS though!” and the teacher is like, “Tell me what those initials mean and I will let you go.”
So she screams, “IT MEANS I HAVE TO TAKE A CRAP”, and takes off out of the room.
9. In high school one of my teachers was having a disagreement with a student. I can’t remember what it was about but finally the teacher ask him if she wanted her to call his mother. The student replies, “Do it then. My mama will agree with me too.”
The teacher then asks him to leave her class. He goes, “You know what I’m gonna call my mom for you.”
He then whips out his cell phone and calls his mom on speaker. “Hey, ma, this teacher want to talk to you.”
The whole class just lost it.
10. Well this one was during coaching classes for entrance exams.
The math teacher reduced a given problem to a simpler form and challenged the students, “So this expression doesn’t fit any of the given standard forms for us to find the particular integral. So what do you propose we do?”
A kid from the back shouted, “The next question.”
11. I’ve taught preschool for years, and one of my favorite “dad” responses to children who are being whiny is, “Hi, _____. I’m your teacher!” (Eg,”I’m thirsty.” “Hi, Thirsty. I’m your teacher!”).
Anyway, one day, after a long week, I sat down to lunch with my class and say to a child (we’ll call him Tommy), “Boy, Tommy. I’m really tired today.”
Without skipping a beat, he swallows his Mac-n-cheese, looks me right in the eyes and says, “Hi, Really Tired. I’m Tommy.”
That was the day I knew I had taught him all I could.
12. Took my class to an art gallery. As we waited for our tour to begin we played on the small playground near the door. A prep school kid in a uniform approached two of my boys and said, I bet I’m smarter than you are! I watched to make sure no blood was drawn – my students can hold their own pretty much anywhere and they don’t accept insults casually.
But they were cool. No you’re not. Are you in Grade 2? The boy said he was and one of my boys said, So then we’re all grade 2. So we are all grade 2 smart.’ He went back to climbing the monkey bars.
But the prep school kid continued. I know I’m smarter. Let’s do some math and I’ll prove it.
The toughest kid in my room looked this guy square in the eye and said, Well, I’m smart enough not to do math when I’m having fun on a playground.
13. In HS our Functions and Relations teacher would always start to say something, forget it and say, “I lost my train of thought.”
Well one day a buddy of mine replies, “It’s okay sir, there were no important passengers onboard.”
14. A kid mocked me when I said, “Don’t do that.” I started to yell at him and he said, “No man, that’s a song.”
He then spontaneously came up with a rap song called “Don’t Do That” and his friends started making beats. I was no longer mad.
15. Student in my Spanish class was sleeping, like always. Teacher finally got tired of it and tried to embarrass him by waking him up and yell at him in Spanish.
The student responded with, “I’m back here minding my own business, not causing any sort of distractions at all, and you decide to stop everyone’s learning by trying to make me look stupid. We all know I have no idea what you’re saying, so please stop disrupting the class and let me go back to not bothering anyone.”
She never said another word to him.
16. Let me point out that I’m female since people will assume I’m a guy. I taught in an inner city school. We were talking about prime numbers so I would have kids give me a number and we’d work out if the number was a prime number on the board. One kid wasn’t paying attention so me being a young teacher I thought I’d catch him off guard and call on him. It went something along the lines of,
“Marc, do you have a number?”
“I need your number.”
“Sheeeit, play it cool, girl. We can talk after class.”
The whole room lost it and I turned red from embarassment. They then laughed at how red I got.
17. Our teacher was teaching us about the States of Matter, solid, liquid, and gas.
He was talking about how a solid you can break into littler pieces, but how you can’t do the same to liquids or gases! So I blurt out, “But you can break wind.”
I still talk to that teacher and he says that was the best part of his teaching career. This was in 6th grade.
18. Student A says to student B, “Dude, shut the f*** up!”
Staff says, “Student A, we don’t talk that way. In the future find a more appropriate way of expressing yourself.”
Student A says to staff, “Oh, sorry” then turns to student B and says, “Dude, would you please shut the f*** up.”
19. My math teacher said: “If you don’t understand, ask me. There are no stupid questions.”
Where a guy in my class quickly responded: “Is that so? Do you cut your toe nails with a chainsaw?”
20. Not a teacher, but this happened in an upper level French class where you can only speak French. If you speak English, the teacher scolds you in French.
My friend walked in a few minutes late for a quiz, and wasn’t allowed to take it. My friend looked at the teacher and said (in English), “That’s BS.”
The teacher looked back angrily and said (also in English), “What did you just say?”
My friend: “En Franais, monsieur.”
He got kicked out of the class.
21. One of my classes is fun in that we give each other hard times, but all in good fun and accomplish a lot. A girl starts giggling uncontrollably for no reason, and she’s a bit of an airhead so I asked her if she saw something shiny and if that entertained her.
Another boy jumps in and says, “Yeah Mister, your head”
I’m going bald. I wanted to pretend to be mad but it was just too damn funny.
22. “Why are you all talking?”
“Because you’re not!”
Second grade. Kid was sent out of the room.
This was with regard to the rule: “Don’t talk when the teacher’s talking.”
23. I’m a diving coach and I have 4 divers I’m responsible for so I don’t usually get swimmers contact info. We were on our way to a meet and one of the swimmers was not on the bus. I said, “Who has [redacted]’s number?”
So obviously I got mad. “This is your teammate and not one of you girls has her phone number to text her?” So one of my divers chimed in, “Why don’t you coach?”
I said, “I have 4 divers, I don’t need another 30 high school girls numbers in my phone.”
She replied, “Hahaha, you wish!”
Easily the best burn of my coaching career.
24. There was literally 30 seconds left of class and my buddy starts to pack up. The teacher didn’t seem to mind but when the bell rang and buddy got up to leave the teacher said the classic line, “The bell doesn’t dismiss you, I do” and buddy just continues to leave, gets in the doorway of the class and says, “If it decides when I come, it decides when I leave” and just leaves the class.
25. I had a friend who got into an argument with their teacher about the whole “I” before “E” except after “C” thing (and if it sounds like an “A” it’s “ei”)
My friend told his teacher that wasn’t always true. So she got defensive and started going off about her lit degree and how she knows more than him.
His response was, “No, seriously, there are some weird words where that rule doesn’t apply.”
She kept saying that it wasn’t true and he kept saying the same thing over and over.
“There are some weird words where that doesn’t apply.”
He did this like 5 times and finally she snapped and yelled, “LIKE WHAT?”
He just yells, “WEIRD!!!”
She permanently kicked him out of her class for being a smart-aleck.
26. My grandson who lives with my wife and I was sent to office one day for breaking dress code, no belt. The principal asked why he didn’t wear it, to which he replied, “My crackhead mother stole it and I didn’t have time to get another.”
Principal got super mad and called us to tell us what happened, and what he had said. I confirmed his story, “Well his crack addict mother came to visit last night and we didn’t realize it was gone until this morning.”
I could audibly hear him gasp over the phone and immediately started apologizing and every time I see him now he mentions it and apologizes.
27. This was while working with 9-year-olds. We’re doing number problems and a kid is having trouble with a sum. The sum is, “You have 40 sweets. You give half your sweets to your friend. How many sweets do you have now?”
I grab 40 counters, and say to the kid, “Here are 40 sweets. If you give me half, how many will you have left?”
Kid turns to me, and utterly deadpan says, ” I can’t give you the sweets. You aren’t my friend.”
28. Tangentially related: Smart-aleck response from teacher on behalf of the student.
Had a student that came back a couple of weeks out of class, counselor let the teachers know that his father had passed and he was having a rough time. I pulled him aside after class one day, told him not to worry about any of the work he missed, “Focus on getting caught up in your other classes, I’ll make things work out here.” (I was his 10th grade English teacher, we had already taken the End of Year Exam, as far as the State was concerned he was done, and that was good enough for me. Kid was straight A’s until his dad passed.)
Cut to a few weeks later, I’m called into the counselor’s office for a meeting with the student’s other teachers (continued).
I double check and he’s been doing great in class, and work I’ve assigned has been turned in on time (even though I told him he didn’t have to.) So I have no idea what’s going on. Come to find out his other teachers weren’t as lenient on the make up work as I was. He had gotten behind in all his other classes and had stayed behind, now he was in danger of failing everything but my class, he’d have to repeat the year save for English. Counselor asks me what I did to help the student.
“Oh, well I told him not to worry about anything he missed, and that as far as I was concerned he was already caught up and he could do his best in class going forward.”
One of the other teachers bawked, “I don’t see why we needed Mr. HexedDragon’s input, he just let the kid skip out on work! That’s not helpful!”
I replied, “The kids Dad just died, you really think the last six weeks worth of history matters to him in the slightest?”
The counselor smiled and pointed at me. “I invited Mr. HexedDragon because I knew he would say some things I’m not allowed to say.”
29. In a high school physics class, we were learning about friction and what varies how strong it is. So, the teacher asks:
“So as an engineer, what would be some of the hard parts of designing, say, racing tires?”
Some kid in the back says,”Getting out of bed in the morning.”
30. I was doing poorly in a middle school class on account of my mother having terminal brain cancer. This one teacher would constantly get on my case even though he knew about the situation. I wasn’t a bad student, I was just severely distracted from the situation at home and couldn’t always focus.
I missed two days of school due to her worsening condition. The day before she died he left a voicemail at my house explaining my 5 missing homework assignments but no one really cared. I didn’t go to school for a week after her death and when I returned I said to him, “Well now that she’s dead I can finally finish those assignments right?”
I think he finally understood. The principal gave him a good chewing out too.
31. A fellow student in my class shouted that it was “f***ing freezing” in the classroom.
The teacher naturally told him not to use the ‘f’ word so the kid replied, “It’s f***ing COLD in here.”
32. I went to a Catholic school – very strict, lots of beatings.
Two friends and I had been caught by one of the more violent teachers (“Mr Murphy”) off school grounds climbing the trees in a neighboring estate.
After school detention, we’re lined up in his office – where he is screaming at us for our bad behavior, letting the school down etc.
We expect a beating or 500-word essay if we are lucky . He turns to my friend “Dave” and shouts, “DO YOU CLIMB IN YOUR NEIGHBOR’S TREES AT HOME??!!?!”
Dave replies, head down and sounding remorseful, “No sir.”
“They haven’t got any, sir.”
My other friend literally ended up crying with laughter on the floor, I was shaking with laughter and Dave just stood there head down emotionless.
Mr Murphy stood there, momentarily lost for words before shouting at us to get out – and that was it. Funny thing was Dave never understood why it was so funny.
33. I had a teacher tell a classmate “no drinks in class.” He got up from his seat, picked up the teachers drink, and deposited in the garbage with his drink. She sent him to the office.
34. My buddies and I used to like to play ultimate Frisbee on the football field during lunch. We were told not to, organized sports were supposed to be that… organized, they didn’t want kids getting hurt without supervision.
Anyway, one day we said screw it and decided to do it anyway, so they turned the sprinklers on us.
Didn’t stop us, we kept playing and finally they sent a security guard out to get us.
Detention for the rest of the day in the cold cafeteria… soaked and cold so we started chattering and talking, but it’s hard to stay quiet when you’re shivering. anyway, the coach watching over detention told everyone to “Shut up, y’all sound like a bunch of canaries in a cage.”
Everyone got silent.
Then one person started it, and it slowly grew.
“Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep.”
The Coach couldn’t help but start laughing.
Then turned the air even colder…jerk.