1. At one wedding, this guy began by saying how great the bride looked. Then, “I love weddings. The brides always look so beautiful. Makes you wonder where all the ugly wives come from.”
2. I was best man at my friend’s wedding. When it came time for my speech I pulled a paper out of my pocket and began reading about what a wonderful husband he was going to be, how he was loyal, handsome, kind, how he was loved by everyone..etc.. Then I squinted at the paper, stumbled a little over the words-turned to him, handed him the paper and announced, “I can’t read your handwriting”.
Brought the house down.
3. My brother (best man) started his speech with the classic, “It is common knowledge that the best man speech should only last as long as the groom can in bed…with that I bid you good evening.”
4. The groom’s father made a speech where he said something along the lines of, “We knew she was a keeper when he brought her home and we heard them going at it in the bathroom.”
5. The groom’s mother faked an epileptic fit because the bride was getting too much attention.
6. I once saw a grooms brother say, “I always knew you would find the best wife,” in front of his three sisters-in-law.
7. At my cousin’s wedding, the priest made a long speech going on and on about how wonderful and responsible it was of the couple to get married once they got pregnant out of wedlock.
Most of the bride’s family did not yet know she was pregnant.
8. At my parent’s wedding the priest started with “We are gathered at this funeral today…” the worst part is he started going on with the typical funeral speech until he was stopped. To be fair he was well past retirement age.
9. I was at a wedding when the best man concluded his speech saying, “As you might know, I’m here with my wonderful girlfriend. We’ve been together for five years now and, well, I’ve had a few drinks but I hope you will indulge me if I ask her a very special question…”
All this time he’s been reaching into his pocket and I could see from his girlfriend’s face she genuinely believed he was working up to a proposal. He then pulls his car keys out of his pocket and says “I’m a bit pissed, love, can you drive me home?”
The girlfriend walks out of the room, the guests are in uproar. Quite a night.
10. My best man managed to forget our rings in the car before the ceremony. It was cool. He managed to wrangle two rings so we could play it off during the ceremony and we had a good laugh about it and, during the reception, told a lot of people what had happened.
When it came time for his best man speech, he went to the center of the room, cleared his throat, started patting at his coat pockets, and then announced that he had left his speech in the car.
11. At my sisters wedding, my drunken uncle went up and said a couple words.
Them being: “I’m surprised you managed to have a successful wedding, how did this happen without your mom being the over controlling [b-word] that she is?”
A silence like no other.
12. I got up to do a best man speech and I made everyone stand to make a quick toast to “some really important people whom I’m sure you will all meet throughout the evening. Without them none of this would be possible.” Then I toasted the bartenders. The place went crazy and it set a great tone for the rest of the speech.
13. My sister was my maid of honor and her opening line was “DJ drop the beat.” She then proceeded to rap her maid of honor speech. She even threw skittles in the air, because we used to plant them to see if they would grow when we were younger. It was amazing. Just picture a super white, awkward girl standing on stage bobbing her head and pretty much telling our life story in an epic five minute rap. I was crying laughing by the end of it.
14. One wedding I went to, the pastor started giving the typical “marriage is hard work” speech. He talks about how many marriages fail, and all the people he’s counseled through divorce. He goes on about how that on their wedding day, they’re just like this couple and who think they’re going to make it but 6 months later they’re getting a divorce.
I’m trying hard to keep a straight face, the groom is starting to look like he wants to punch the guy, and I can hear people behind me disguising laughing as coughing. I keep expecting him to bring it around to something positive, but he doesn’t. 15 minutes of, “Marriage is hard and lots of them don’t work.”
Find out at the reception, he was a family friend. With a lifelong unrequited crush on the bride.
15. The best one I heard was “Well, she’s moving in with Dave now, so it looks like all the ladies will have to give up their keys to your place.” Silence. “Ladies, I’m not kidding… give them up”. Every woman in the place gets up, walks to the head table, and drops a key in front of him. The last one was a very old family friend who, with her back to everyone, opens her blouse and flashes the guy. It ends up, she was wearing a shirt underneath that said “Everyone thinks I’m flashing you right now”.
16. At my brother-in-law’s wedding the grandmother of the Bride was asked to say grace before the meal. My father and I happened to be standing by the bar after getting one last drink before it closed during the meal. We figured we would stand there during the 30 seconds or so while she blessed the food.
She pulls out 3 pieces of paper, completely full front and back, and starts in on the history of the Brides family. Here is what so and so is doing now. When and where everyone has moved into their current homes. Updates on nieces, nephews, cousins parents, grandparent, everyone. No one knew she was going to get up there and talk for 15+ minutes about people nobody cared about.
My dad and I actually finished our drinks and ordered 2 more by the time she was done. I refer to it as “The 3 Drink Grace”.
17. Went to my uncle’s wedding a while back. His bride had been divorced and chose her family pastor to officiate. The pastor called my uncle her ex-husband’s name during the vows multiple times…my family was not happy.
18. I asked my dad to walk me down the aisle for my wedding. He was very proud to do it, and wanted to make sure he did a good job. So he polled some married female friends of his to get their thoughts on their experience walking down the aisle. Most of them replied with some variation of, “Oh, there was so much going on and it all went by so fast. I don’t remember too much about that part, actually.”
So my dad, bless his heart, took that to mean their biggest regret was not making the walk down the aisle part memorable. So he decided he would have to make sure I remembered.
All of this he explains to me, just as we’re about to begin the procession. He says “Don’t worry, just follow my instructions.” And so we begin to proceed, and just as we near the rows and rows of people, he begins barking instructions.
“LOOK OVER HERE! NOW LOOK OVER THERE! SMILE AT THIS PERSON! COMMIT!!! COMMIT THIS TO YOUR MEMORY!!! NOW LOOK BACK TO THE LEFT. NOW THE RIGHT. SLOW THE PACE DOWN! NOW LOOK TO THE FRONT! LOOK AT [FIANC]! SMILE AT [FIANC]!”
And so on and so forth, all the way down the aisle. Meanwhile I’m trying to communicate to him through the smile plastered on my face “Yep, yep, it’s okay, I think I got it.” And everyone watching was shooting us confused looks.
Well, I guess it worked, cause it’s not something I think I’ll ever forget!
19. At one wedding I attended, the idiot best man decided to talk in his speech about the grooms drunken college sex history. The bride was not happy.
20. After about 45 minutes of tedious toasts and rambling stories from friends and family, the bride’s brother stood up to say something:
“I’m really glad my sister finally found so-and-so to marry. It never seemed like any of the guys she dated ever wanted to stay with her for more than a couple weeks.”
There was just dead silence. I’ve never seen a whole room so awkward. I went outside.
21. My ex-brother-in-law opened with:
“I was nervous about this speech so I just prepared a few lines. After snorting them, I got to work with the writing”, or words to that effect. I think I was the only person laughing.
22. The bride’s sister was a “recovering” addict, who has been clean long enough to be trusted to be a bridesmaid. Big mistake.
The bridal party and bride and groom are all up there and the pastor starts talking. I notice the bridesmaid sister slowly falling forward and catching herself a few times. Then she starts swaying even more.
Eventually, a friend of the family gets up and goes to stand behind her to catch her in case she falls. At this point she decides it would be a good time to ask her mom (in the front row) to borrow some money. She does so loudly. Mom and everyone else ignore her but she asks again more loudly.
It’s clear by her speech she is lit- at this point the pastor pauses and asks her to be quiet. Wrong move. She begins to berate him, using language not intended for church. The family friend standing behind her tries to lead her away but she turns and slaps him. He picks her up cavemen style over the shoulder and starts to walk out a nearby door while she is screaming. He walks through the doorway and she grabs the frame and holds it. He breaks away but not before the bridesmaid gets in a few more f bombs.
Then the pastor finishes like nothing happens.
23. My Wife’s best friend/Maid of Honor called me the wrong name in her toast… the name she called out…. my wife’s ex boyfriend….
I laughed it off at the time… but to be honest I was pretty humiliated.
24. Two of my best friends got married about a month ago. Another friend of mine gave the opening speech at the reception and began with this line: “A wise man once said, love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably poop…” After the crowd was done laughing hysterically, he somehow found a way to make the quote heartwarmingly relevant to their relationship.
25. At a friends wedding and her husband was some crewman on a submarine. Some of the guys read out some letters for people who couldn’t make it. His captain said “seaman. Report depth and position at 0200 hours!”
26. My friend was getting married and it came time for his dad to give a speech…his dad is a retired 3-star general in the US Army, and so his speech was very…patriotic. He went on about ‘these two great Americans getting married’ and ‘America has a bright future’, and after he said America for the 4th time, my buddy (we were both groomsmen) yelled out ‘AMERICA, YEAAAAAAHHH!!!’
Totally brought the house down.
27. I’d like to start by wishing the bride and groom the most wonderful of honeymoons in Wales, it really is a beautiful place”
[Groom will look at you confused and mouth ‘we’re not going to Wales…’]
“Oh…..my mistake, I swear you said you were going to Bangor for the week
28. When [insert name] asked me to speak at their wedding I was shocked. All I could think was, “Who are you and why are you talking to me?”
Granted that we both at an angst ridden 14 at the time I think my response was justified.
29. “Before I give this speech, I would like to preface by saying the groom had a very hard time picking out a best man. He came to me for advice on who to pick. I told him his first choice should be the smartest man he knows. So he went and asked his smartest friend to be his best man but got turned down. So he turned to me for advice again and I told him his 2nd choice should be his most handsome friend. He asks his most handsome friend but was turned down. He comes back to me again and this time I tell him to his choice should be a friend that can deliver the best speech. When he finally asks that friend, I told him I can’t turn him down 3 times, so yes I’ll be your best man.
30. At the wedding of my best friend last may, one of her bride’s maids decided that it would be so sweet if she used the speech that Carrie Bradshaw used in Sex in the City. It was awful…what a way to show the bride that you care by ripping off a speech from a tasteless tv show. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Sex in the City, but let’s be honest, it’s not very classy. Anyway, the worst part of it was that when it was time for the grooms men to speak, one of them mentioned the speech from Sex in the City. He said something like, “I can’t beat the Sex in the City speech, but…” and he went on. It was really embarrassing.
31. At my first wedding, my best friend stood up at the rehearsal dinner for a speech and casually mentioned the time I mistakenly chugged his piss when I was drunk and very thirsty. The room erupted in laughter, and I heard my grandmother say to my aunt, “What did he say? I missed it.”
I just invited him to my second wedding. I hope he makes it.
32. At the last minute, I was asked to MC a wedding and was given the list of people who would be speaking or making toasts. The toast to the bride was being given by an Uncle. A few drinks got him ready for this task and as soon as I introduced him, he started a long and rambling speech. Not really knowing him I was loathe to give him the hook so I looked to the bride and groom for guidance as to when I should cut him off. When the indicated that it had gone on long enough, I decided to try to subtly get him to finish, but every time i stood up to take the mic, he said, “in conclusion” or ” I am just going to wrap up” and then proceeded to go on. In the end it was a 40 minute toast the the bride.
33. I once attended a friend’s wedding. A good friend of mine was the best man. He ended up accepting the “best man” designation because he liked the groom, but didn’t necessarily approve of his choice of a bride.
Because my friend didn’t like the wedding much, he didn’t put much thought into the best man speech. Instead, he ended up improvising a speech. He likened a good marriage to foreign policy on nuclear armaments, then proceeded to talk about the Cold War for five agonizing minutes.
34. Bride got plastered. It was a buffet dinner but I don’t think she ate enough which didn’t help with her double-fisting vodka and wine later in the evening. For the record, friends were giving her drinks so it wasn’t like she was aiming to get drunk that night.
Anyway, she went past being a happy drunk straight into being an emotionally unstable drunk and I and her other bridesmaids had to accompany her into the bathroom because she wasn’t capable of sitting up anymore. She then proceeded to cry saying this wasn’t how she imagined her wedding night and asking why she was so drunk. It was both funny and sad. lol
Even funnier was when the groom came in and she begged him not to divorce her. He just thought it was funny and reassured her he was not divorcing her after being married for only a few hours. He managed to make her smile despite her distraught state which I thought was cute.
She was fine after throwing up a bit and sobering up but I think she would have preferred the night not going that way. At least it was memorable!
35. During “who let the dogs out?” my drunk cousin went up onto the stage and proceeded to bark into the mic. She didn’t even go to the beat she just barked. This was at her sister’s wedding which ended in a divorce less than a year later. She got drunk at her wedding too which ended in a divorce less than two years later.
36. At my sister’s wedding two of my aunts on my Mom’s side got into a straight up brawl. One aunt threw a drink into the other aunts face and then they tackled eachother, which resulted in their children (so, some cousins) getting involved in it as well.
None of this surprised anyone. I am literally hiring security when I get married.
37. At my daughter’s wedding, the best man went on a 15 minute ramble about why the happy couple shouldn’t have gotten married, how he’d tried for hours to dissuade the groom (true) and how it was doomed to failure, how he’d tried to persuade the groom to leave town with him the previous night (also true) and how when the marriage failed, no one could say he hadn’t told them so. Finally the bride’s father wrestled him off the podium and back to his seat. No alcohol was involved, either; this was a 10 a.m. wedding with a reception immediately following, and the only high octane beverage offered was mimosas. Just for the record, the “doomed” couple recently celebrated their 20th anniversary.
38. At my wedding, my father gave one of the most heart-felt, original speeches to my wife and I. You could really tell he put a lot of time, love, and thought into it.
Then, cue my father-in-law, who recited some regurgitated poetry of some sort, and started touching my arm uncomfortably as he did.
It was not only painful to hear, but painful to be a part of. If you look at the photos that were taken, I’m all smiles while my dad is speaking, and then when FIL starts speaking, it looks as if I’m going to punch him (which, truth be told, had crossed my mind – I don’t care for the man one bit).
39. Can’t remember where I heard this… ” Me and [groom] have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Then he asked me and after turning him down the first three times I couldn’t refuse again.”
40. When I was younger, we went to a wedding of one of my cousins. I don’t know if it was part of these embarrassing wedding- games or if the couple just decided to dance to a faster song. So they dance in the middle of the dance floor and everyone claps to the rhythm and my uncle, who was pretty hammered by now, starts jumping around the couple, impersonating a violin player and whistling manically. Everyone starts to mumble and the couple looks really pissed off, but my uncle doesn’t get that no one enjoys his show and just keeps playing his invisible violin. It wasn’t that shocking though because he’s always behaving like that.
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