No judgement… you gotta do what you gotta do.
1. I was drunk at a karaoke bar in Sydney a few years ago running around the hallways for some reason. Two 30-something women told me they needed a stripper for their friends birthday and they’d give me $200. So I walk into this brightly-lit karaoke room with 15-20 women sitting around staring at me in a semi-circle.
I got naked, sang Radio GaGa to a wall of camera flashes, made a speech and got the heck out of there.
2. In middle school I would eat pieces of led these kids would give to me from their mechanical pencils and they would pay me dimes quarters and dollars. Surprised I’m still alive.
3. One time I sold grocery store portabello mushrooms to some freshman for 120 bucks.
4. I sold a lot of drugs to really addicted people. My stuff literally ruined a few people’s lives. We all have a few things we did in our youth that still cause us to cringe when we think of them, even if we live to be 200 years old. This is my numero uno.
5. I once worked retail.
6. I tutored a guy in a subject I had 0 idea about. He ended up getting a 0/200 on his test the next day.
I had tutored the guy in another subject before with pretty good results, but one day he asked me to teach him Chemistry, a class that I had never taken. I literally learned the material as I read it in his textbook with him. After he got his test score back his parents never said another word to me and they hired a professional tutor.
7. Because my family was poor when I was a kid, we used to get tickets so that we could get free lunches. The school would have all the kids with tickets move to the front of the lunch line for whatever reason. I would sell my tickets to the kids with money who wanted to move to the front of the line. Whenever I ran out of tickets, I’d go to the office and complain that I’d “lost” my tickets, and they’d give me more. I was pretty rich for a 10 year old.
8. I let a medical researcher inject me with saltwater so he could record how much pain I was in. Twice.
9. I pooped and peed myself while a guy and his friend watched for $100. I really needed the money at the time.
10. Sold a lot of store-bought brownies at Ultra Music Festival for $20 a pop. I never said they had weed in them, people just assumed they did.
Who else would sell brownies for $20 each at a place where everyones on drugs? This guy, that’s who.
11. I used to DJ at a strip club. One night a few guys came in to cheer one of them up, as he had just buried his brother earlier that day. One of them (already pretty drunk) comes up to me and says, hey, we’re about to buy this guy a lap dance, can you play Taps when he gets it, we’ll pay you $100.
As they’d already said once or twice they were there to cheer him up, I said no, of course not. He goes back, has a brief conversation with the rest of his buddies, comes back and says, alright, $250. Again, I turn them down.
Long story short, they kept coming back with higher and higher offers. I finally caved at $1000 and played Taps while a guy who had buried his brother earlier got a lap dance from a stripper.
12. Starred in a soft core porn to pay my rent one particularly bad month that for some god awful reason garnered a small following in a dark corner of the internet. I’m popular for some of the worst images and videos ever taken of me in my life and all I got was $400. I really hope it never comes back to haunt me.
13. I was once paid to clean out a boat that police sold at auction. It was full of bilge water… and shell casings, razor blades, a machete and trash. It felt so weird that the police just released it without pulling some of that stuff out of there.
Another time, I was paid to sell 7500 feet of used firehose. That was an unbelievable mess. Who wants used firehose? Farmers from Idaho. They were brilliant and they took it all away.
14. I snorted wasabi for 50 bucks.
It literally burned for hours, and i was blowing green snot for days. Initially when I snorted it, I vomited seconds later.
15. Stuck my penis in a hill of fire ants for $50. That was the last thing I ever stuck my penis in.
16. My sister used to pay me 10 a minute to be her personal foot rest as she watched tv.
17. I ate a glue stick once for $10.
18. I ate a mixing spoon full of bacon grease for $15 and a $5 coupon to best buy. Apparently my price is very low.
19. I am one of seven children raised by a single mother. We were really broke, I mean eating mayonnaise sandwiches all day until hamburger helper was for dinner. My friends mom had taken us to McDonald’s after church on Wednesday. This was around Halloween and they were giving out trick or treat boxes for UNICEF. Basically you go door to door collecting donations for kids in need and mail it in. Me and my little brothers went to every door in the neighborhood collecting money that we immediately spent on tooth brushes, tooth paste, and candy. The irony went to waste on me at the time.
20. I had a friend at school who was infamous for being ‘poor’, people used to get him to do stupid stuff for money and he would go along with it, I doubt for the money, I think he more so just enjoyed the attention.
Anyway, someone offers him $2 to eat a glue stick, one of the ones you wind up on the bottom which leverages a cylinder glue ‘stick’ out the top. He obliges and takes a big mouthful of glue. The teacher notices the commotion and asks why the heck he ate it, to which he shrugs and replies with his mouth full of glue, “it’s non toxic?”.
I laughed about that for a good while.
21. I once climbed inside of a ships septic tank to clean it. I was on my hands and knees with my friend and a scrapper to get up the super hardened poop that was stuck to the walls, ceiling, and floor.
22. I once deep throated a banana on my Minecraft stream for paypal donations so I had money to buy a burrito and a monster that night to continue streaming.
23. Me and a friend sold his grandpa’s blood plasma to a back alley pharmacy to pay for a drug & booze fueled trip to Las Vegas.
We had planned to only practice this terrible and irresponsible way of making money once, until the doctor said he would increase our pay with $100 if we were able to deliver on a regular basis.
Our local hospital is still unable to find the cause of mr. Jeffersons spontaneous anemia.
24. I webcammed a fifty year old guy and told him a bedtime story, ‘tucked him in’ and sang lullabies to him while he fell sleep. Got paid 200 bucks. Doesn’t sound messed up, but believe me, it was.
25. A close friend of mine bet me 1, that’s right, a whole dollar fifty-two, that I wouldn’t eat a piece of steak fat, that she’d already chewed up. The joke’s on her, I got free steak and 1.
26. Spent four months of my life directing a pit orchestra in high school theater. The kids were terrible and my co-director hated me. I made a total of a thousand dollars after taxes for throwing four months of my life at West Side Story.
27. I chugged a 26er of JD for about $200 when I was 16 and at a college party. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it pretty much ruined hard alcohol for the rest of my life so far (11 years). I guess I should be happy that I was paid to scar myself into never becoming an alcoholic, but it’s annoying to only be able to drink beer and maybe a mixed drink or two.
28. I licked a hairless rat (the entire length of it’s body) for $7.00.
Someone out there has a photo of it.
29. When I was in elementary school, I let a guy friend a few grades above me throw a tennis ball at me for 50 cents so I could buy a drink from a vending machine.
He had me stand up against a concrete wall and the ball ended up hitting me right in the jaw; I cried forever but I still got my money.
30. In sixth grade I let a poor, immigrant kid copy my science homework for a dollar. I felt bad that I took the money from him and instead of helping him understand the material (which I could have, as I speak Spanish) I just let him cheat. I still feel terrible about that.