People on Reddit were asked: “What’s the funniest thing youve done to AVOID having sex?” These are some of the best answers.
1/24 The sex with my ex-girlfriend was so terrible (she’d lay there like a dead fish, basically) that when we would go out to bars, I’d purposely give myself whiskey dick.
2/24 When in doubt, I like to do what I like to call “The Possum”. Note that I have a history of suddenly fainting and seizing, and most of my friends know about it so if it happens they can try and catch me so I don’t hit my head or something.
Once upon a time, 16 year old me sneaked out and went to a friends house for various illicit activities. While I was there, a guy who I only sort of knew kept getting handsier as the night wore on. At first, drunk me though ‘oh, he’s pretty cute… I can roll with this’…. Later, we ended up making out and whatnot on my friend’s bed. As things got hotter, I decided to send my hands on an exploratory mission down south. There… really wasn’t anything there. His dick was… so small, and he just… couldn’t keep it up. Before now, I’d always thought it was a myth.
At the same time, we both realized the implications of my discovery and he started being very violent/aggressive and threatening me if I told anyone about his tiny dick. I decided it was time to nope the f*ck out of there, except I couldn’t figure out how without making it awkward or pissing the dude off. So, I did the first thing that popped into my head. I played dead. I went limp, closed my eyes, acted like I was having a seizure, and then slid off the bed onto the floor and laid there. He freaked out, but his dick away, and then I assume went home. I got up, got a snack, and then dropped some acid.
3/24 I ran the f*ck away. I was with a girl from a party out on the street going at it on top of a car hood in an alley. After a bit she tried to slip me in, because she was wearing a skirt and no panties this was easily attainable. She had a deathlock on my hips with her legs as I was standing there and I asked if she had any condoms. She told me “no” and again with her deathlock on me started to steer me back into her. In my head I was thinking “f*ck aids and sh*t, I don’t know her, she’s not even wearing panties”.
Instead of telling her I didn’t want to, my drunk a** instead went “ohhhh!!!!” and pointed out across the street. When she looked, I spun out of her grip and all in one motion grabbed my pants back up and went into a full sprint and jumped the fence into someone’s yard and took off down the street. About the time I hit the ground over the fence I heard her yell “Are you f*cking kidding me!!!”
4/24 I have never gotten credit for how smooth I was. I was younger, and doing some underpants grinding laying on the couch. Things were getting hot and heavy and I could feel how irresistibly hard he was getting, but something just didn’t feel right. I look down, and see a tiny dot of blood from mother nature’s shank on his plaid boxers. OH F*CK!! OH F*CK OH F*CK!! No way in HELL am i letting him see that!!! In order to save face, I did what any nervous lady could do.
I as sexily as possible take off his boxers and start blowing him, but take his boxers and put them on myself. Talk about biting the bullet. Once he was sufficiently finished I dealt with the boxers, my business and everything while getting a drink for my now parched mouth. No need to finish me, thanks, I am too TIRED.
5/24 While wingmanning a friend (who was having sex in another room of the house) I had to sleep in the same bed as the girl he was having sex with’s ugly friend. So she really wants to do the dirty but I’m not feeling it with her at all. So very drunk, I decide to make a “fort” on my half of the bed out of blankets and pillows and such and try to go to sleep. However, she is surprisingly aggressive, so for an hour I have to keep yelling at her, “NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN MY FORT!”…she eventually got the message.
6/24 I was drunk, sitting up on top of a dryer in a friend’s laundry room. The creepy girl I had avoided all evening entered and had me cornered in the room. She pushes up on me, tries unbuckling my belt, and attempts to kiss me. My only method of evasion was to fall backwards behind the dryer and wait until backup arrived. Three friends heard her calling for help and sprung me from being trapped between the wall and the dryer. I left the room with them as my guardians. I’ll never forget the terror of being wedged back there, while watching her fat hot-dog fingers try to molest me from above.
7/24 Back in college I was a designated driver for a group of friends. We get to a party and my sober a** is bored. Then a very very drunk woman I knew from one of my classes started hitting on me, culminating with her telling me she’d f*ck my brains out. Sober me thought this wasn’t kosher since she was hammered so I turned around for a moment and yanked a few hairs out of my nose. It made me eyes water and my nose run and I said “I have a brutal cold you don’t want to catch. Why don’t you let me get better and then I’ll take you out.” I gave her my phone number and she though that was so sweet she passed out with her head in my lap. Three days later before class she came up to me, gave me a HUGE hug, and thanked me for not being a dick. We ended up dating and she’s still one of my best friends.
8/24 I was making out with this chick in really dark bar. She grabs my hand and pulls me towards the stairs to leave. When we get into the stairwell there’s actually some light and I can see her face is a little busted. So I say “Hold on, I gotta close my tab” (I actually did) and after I closed it I grabbed my friends and said “We gotta go, I’ll explain later, meet me outside,” and I sprinted past the girl who was waiting for me out into the street and waited around the corner. My friends were super confused when they caught up but I explained and they understood it as another of my poor life choices.
9/24 When I was in my fresher year of university I made an error. After being down the nearest student bar and drank an obscene amount of beer, my beer goggle turned on. Enter overweight Irish girl. In my mind I was sure she was beautiful and witty… Turned out not.
Cue memory loss and I black back in when I have managed to bring this troll back to my flat in our halls of residence, kissing in the corridor and whatnot. This was just around the time of Christmas holidays, so one of my flatmates had already headed home for the holidays. Like the rookie he was, he had left his room unlocked. So, drunken me decides “f*ck it, he’s a dickhead” and lead the girl into his room.
After this normal sexual initiations begin and I gradually begin to sober up and feel worse for the beer I have had. So then I decide to be a gentleman and go down on her. Around then I realise my real mistake. There’s this f*cking rank fishy smell. I am talking about yeast infection bad smell. My nose picked up on it too late… I licked.
And then I vomited. I vomited on her vagina. Drunken save yourself abandon ship mode engages. I jump up, grab my clothes and leave before she realises what’s happened. As I leave I hear “OH MY GOD!”.
Went into my room, locked the door, slept, stayed in the room for roughly 24 hours just in case she hadn’t left. Man I was hungry and thirsty. Worst hangover ever. Flatmate to this day doesn’t know. Win. Saw her again on campus a couple of months later. Got the dirtiest look I have ever, and will ever receive.
10/24 I was 15 at the beach for a week and a girl(16) I met earlier that week told me she wanted to hang out on the beach that night. When I went to meet her, she had a blanket laid out and started kissing me and said she wanted her first time to be on the beach. She was like a 5 or 6 as far as attractiveness goes and I didn’t want my first time to be with her. I told her I didn’t have a condom and my dick was all sandy and it would hurt her. I do not regret turning her down.
11/24 Last year I met a girl at a party, and we hit it off after getting a rather large number of beers inside of us. Eventually we moved into a bedroom and started making out pretty intensely. I was a virgin at this point, and I decided to get down to business for the very first time. As I turned aside to put my socks on (I like to be comfy), she slipped her hand down her skirt and ripped off a bloody tampon, thinking I wasn’t looking. At this point my drunken mind decided to go into overdrive to get me the f*ck out of there, resulting in me saying the following words: “Bluehhggh I need to bury my tequila.”
I jumped off the bed and ran off into the night like a mystic demon.
12/24 Went with this girl to some seedy love hotel (I’m Brazilian). She wants me to go down on her. Well, why the f*ck not? Thing is, there’s a strange smell coming from down there. And it’s far from that normal, girly (and pleasing) smell. No, it’s not menstruation, it’s not poop, it isn’t anything caused by lack of hygiene either. It’s not even an yeast infection (I know these smells, trust me). It’s something akin to carrion, like there’s some necrotic tissue inside her parts. When I took her panties off I almost gagged.
So I did what any manly man would do — I immediately excused myself to the bathroom and escaped through the window.
13/24 It was 2005 or 2006. With some friends at a girl’s place. She has a thing for me, but I strongly suspect that she isn’t completely mentally stable. We’re all on her bed watching Family Guy together. Girl decides she f*cking wants me. Rolls on top of me, pins are arms. Friends are like “uuuuuh, we’re gonna leave” and start to head out. I give them the “DON’T F*CKING LEAVE ME” eyes. I think fast. Wrestling instincts take over. Flip her over, I’m on top of her with her arms pinned now. She has the “OH F*CK YES” look in here eyes. I hop up, and “WOOOP WOOOOP WOOOP WOOOP” Zoidberg crab walk away. She did turn out to be crazy as f*ck. Avoided sticking my dick in crazy.
14/24 I was in college when for some reason I can’t quite remember (I was drunk, as per usual) this girl followed me back to my room. She was nice but not my type and we shared a lot of the same friends so I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So what did I do? I said “Oh, awesome, I just remembered I have leftovers!” And then I sat on my bed and ate it as I talked to her until she left.
15/24 At one of my house parties a few years back, one of my friends brought over a female friend to drink. 10 minutes into the party, it was evident that she wanted to take part in the No-Pants-Dance. I was 50/50 about it. After the party, a fifth of vodka, and a case of beer, my roommate and I went back to our room with this girl and one he had picked up through the night.
They ended up passing out, so I had no feasible way out at this point if something went wrong… Not only did she skip the whole “lets make out for 2 hours” stage, she grabbed a handful of my hair and just started trying to force me to go down on her. At this point, I’m down to a 30/70 in wanting to take part in this. By the time I got to her belly button, the scent of low tide rolled into my nose.
So… I did the natural thing any 21 year old guy would do. I crawled back up to her and started speaking seductively in my Kermit the Frog voice until she left my bed.
16/24 I was really high watching the lion king and this very unattractive girl kept edging closer to me on the couch. I eventually wound up curled up in the fetal position away from her tucked into the very corner of the sofa.
17/24 Girl I was dating in college wanted me to come over to her apartment. Told her I couldn’t because I was busy watching the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Movie with my roommates (which I was).
18/24 I took a girl to her boyfriend’s house.
19/24 Called her the wrong name in between her kissing me. Bad breath is a turn off. “Oh. I thought you were a Sarah.”
20/24 Lived in a small town where dating was really, really hard. I was mid-late 20s and the only people I ever met were married. Actually pretty depressing. One Saturday morning I wake up and have a random facebook message from some girl in town asking if I wanted to hang out that night. Looked through her pictures; cute, nice body, decent job, and within 5 years of my age!
Decide to hang out at my house and watch a football game. She shows up looking at least 20lbs heavier than her pictures and some pretty broken out skin, but I’m okay with that. Let’s see what she’s like before dismissing her. I had bought us pizza and booze for the night. She scarfs down her portion of the pie before I’ve finished half of mine. Next, onto the booze. She finished her bottle of sangria in about 3 minutes…literally chugs every drink.
So she’s getting pretty tipsy within 30 minutes of showing up. But that’s not enough, so she keeps sneaking into the kitchen and drinking vodka straight from the bottle (I caught her the 3rd time). Classy, huh?
The rest of the night involved her trying to get me to make out with her repeatedly. When I would refuse, she’d literally throw a tantrum. Finally, after having enough, I told her she needed to leave. She proceeds to pout on the couch for a few minutes, puts in her iphone headphones, then starts SCREAMING along to some songs.
FINALLY, she apologizes and I manage to get her calmed down. At this point she starts trying to get things dirty-dirty. I’m like, “nope. not going to happen.” But then came the big equalizer: She offers anal. I’ve never HAD anal, so I’m like – uhhhh, seriously? She says yeah. To the bedroom we head.
Even WITH the promise of said anal, I could NOT get over the overwhelming smell of zoo/farm animal that eviscerated the sanitation of the room the SECOND her shorts came off. I gagged. Told her that Jesus wouldn’t approve of our having premarital sex.
21/24 My girlfriend was in Spain for a while and I was hanging at my local bar for a few drinks after work one night. Somehow while I was having a beer or two and playing darts time passed and all of a sudden it’s near closing time. I am normally a bike commuter, but was recovering from being hit by a car so I was waiting on a cab while this 5-6/10 regular customer was trying to chat me up. I’m courteous and polite, but trying to shut her down. After forty minutes of no cab showing up, chick offers to give me a ride home. I say, f*ck it; it’s free. I’ll take it.
Once we’re in the car she won’t stop seriously trying to hit on me. Eventually she asks why I don’t just stay with her and I reply, as I have quite a bit at this point, that I have a gf and I love her. She asks what the hell is so special about this girl that I won’t just cheat on her real quick. Now I’m past being uncomfortable an into getting pissed. I keep my cool, and explain that if I were to come over then I’d need to stop by my house and get my toy box.
She asks what that means, and I tell her it’s just the standard stuff. Ball gags, riding crops, a couple butt plugs, just the basics. She seems a bit weirded out, but not quite what I want. So I say, if you’re into it, that’s just the beginning. Are you into bondage? I’ve got a whole closet full of fun stuff to play with. I keep going, pulling all of this out of thin air, and by the time we’re a couple miles down the road at my house, this b*tch can’t wait to get me out of her car. Never did see her in the bar, either.
22/24 A few years back, single, and on the mend from a 9 year relationship, I was on Facebook chatting with my Mother’s best friend. We were talking about her kids who are my age, and how they’ve been, and how I wished I had hung out with them more in High School. The conversation becomes a bit more personal, and it migrates to text. She’s asking me how big I am, and how she’s always been curious. She’s a very attractive lady, but 30 years older than I am. Plus, she has a big rack. Which I got to see based off the pictures she started sending me.
In a moment of weakness, I decided, I’m going to hit this. I give her my address, and she starts driving over. In a moment of clarity, I realized what was about to happen and started freaking out. I called my Mother shortly before her friend arrived and told her I was homesick. That I missed her cooking. I asked if she could please come over and cook with me. She enthusiastically agreed, and said she’d be right on down! I asked her if she could please call 5-10 minutes before she got there because I may be in the shower.
Her friend then arrives, and immediately strips down naked before the door even shuts. She starts straddling me and my phone rings. I pick it up, put it on speaker, and it’s my Mother saying she’s about 5 minutes away. Her friend had the deer in the headlights look, put her clothes back on, and bolted.
23/24 This is a story of wingmanship more than turning down sex. Went to a bar with two buddies, one of whom was meeting a girl there he had a crush on. She was wasted when we arrived, and after introductions it became apparent she was interested in me–heavy flirting, obvious touching, etc. My friend with the crush took it in stride, sorta giving me a “c’est la vie” shrug, but I felt bad. I moved the conversation around till it was ripe to drop a white lie: I was gay. She didn’t believe me at first, so I improv-ed and wrapped my arm around my other friend, who was in the middle of wtf-ing after hearing me say that, and introduced him as my partner. She did a hip cock and asked us to prove it.
There are those moments when you catch the gaze of a friend and realize that what’s about to go down is something that you’ll laugh about later, or regale at each other’s wedding. It only lasts for a split second, but in those moments you can glimpse the depth of your friendship. We shared a moment like that before exchanging a slow, gentle, familiar kiss. She just stood there, then said “Wow, you guys don’t seem gay.”
Meanwhile my pal who was into her witnessed the whole thing, jaw dropped, and bought us two shots. She became more obnoxious as the night wore on, and my pal lost all interest. Came outta there with a great story though.
24/24 I was with some friends in a house for the summer. The house wasn’t very big and we slept 3 in each room (we were 9 total). For the sake of friendship we all agreed that we wouldn’t be fooling around with each other. All was going fine, we were having a really good time together.
About 2 weeks in things started to change: One of the two girls that I shared a room with – let’s call her Sara -started to do some strange things – like leaving her underwear in my bed, walking around a lot on her underwear, etc. I never said anything because our other friend was in the room and she didn’t said anything so my though was “It’s nothing out of the ordinary, just ignore it”. This kept going for a month and an half.
We had just 1 more week to the end of the summer and then it got worse: She climbed on my bed, naked!! Ireally didn’t liked her that way and I didn’t want to go there with her so I panic. I got up and said “Sorry Sara, I’m in love with Rita (our other roommate)”. I ran to Rita, waked her up and kissed her. The poor thing was really shocked but I explained everything to her. We had to fake sex for the rest of the week.