People on Reddit were asked: “What’s the funniest thing youve done to AVOID having sex?” These are some of the best answers.
1. The sex with my ex-girlfriend was so terrible (she’d lay there like a dead fish, basically) that when we would go out to bars, I’d purposely overtrain my penis so I wouldn’t get an erection.
2. Once upon a time, 16 year old me sneaked out and went to a friends house for various illicit activities. While I was there, a guy who I only sort of knew kept getting handsier as the night wore on. At first, drunk me though ‘oh, he’s pretty cute… I can roll with this’…. Later, we ended up making out and whatnot on my friend’s bed. As things got hotter, I decided to send my hands on an exploratory mission down south. There… really wasn’t anything there. His penis was… so small, and he just… couldn’t keep it up. Before now, I’d always thought it was a myth.
At the same time, we both realized the implications of my discovery and he started being very violent/aggressive and threatening me if I told anyone about his tiny penis. I decided it was time to nope out of there, except I couldn’t figure out how without making it awkward or pissing the dude off. So, I did the first thing that popped into my head. I played dead. I went limp, closed my eyes, acted like I was having a seizure, and then slid off the bed onto the floor and laid there. He freaked out, but his penis away, and then I assume went home. I got up and got a snack.
3. I ran away. I was with a girl from a party out on the street going at it on top of a car hood in an alley. After a bit she tried to slip me in, because she was wearing a skirt and no panties this was easily attainable. She had a deathlock on my hips with her legs as I was standing there and I asked if she had any condoms. She told me “no” and again with her deathlock on me started to steer me back into her. In my head I was thinking “AIDS!, I don’t know her, she’s not even wearing panties”.
Instead of telling her I didn’t want to, my drunk brain instead went “ohhhh!!!!” and pointed out across the street. When she looked, I spun out of her grip and all in one motion grabbed my pants back up and went into a full sprint and jumped the fence into someone’s yard and took off down the street. About the time I hit the ground over the fence I heard her yell “Are you kidding me!!!”
4. I have never gotten credit for how smooth I was. I was younger, and doing some underpants grinding laying on the couch. Things were getting hot and heavy and I could feel how irresistibly hard he was getting, but something just didn’t feel right. I look down, and see a tiny dot of blood from mother nature’s shank on his plaid boxers. No way in HELL am I letting him see that!!! In order to save face, I did what any nervous lady could do.
I as sexily as possible take off his boxers and start blowing him, but take his boxers and put them on myself. Talk about biting the bullet. Once he was sufficiently finished I dealt with the boxers, my business and everything while getting a drink for my now parched mouth. No need to finish me, thanks, I am too TIRED.
5. While wingmanning a friend (who was having sex in another room of the house) I had to sleep in the same bed as the girl he was having sex with’s ugly friend. So she really wants to do the dirty but I’m not feeling it with her at all. So very drunk, I decide to make a “fort” on my half of the bed out of blankets and pillows and such and try to go to sleep. However, she is surprisingly aggressive, so for an hour I have to keep yelling at her, “NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN MY FORT!”…she eventually got the message.
6. I was drunk, sitting up on top of a dryer in a friend’s laundry room. The creepy girl I had avoided all evening entered and had me cornered in the room. She pushes up on me, tries unbuckling my belt, and attempts to kiss me. My only method of evasion was to fall backwards behind the dryer and wait until backup arrived. Three friends heard her calling for help and sprung me from being trapped between the wall and the dryer. I left the room with them as my guardians. I’ll never forget the terror of being wedged back there, while watching her hot-dog fingers try to molest me from above.
7. Back in college I was a designated driver for a group of friends. We get to a party and I’m bored. Then a very very drunk woman I knew from one of my classes started hitting on me, culminating with her telling me she’d do dirty things to me. Sober me thought this wasn’t kosher since she was hammered so I turned around for a moment and yanked a few hairs out of my nose. It made me eyes water and my nose run and I said “I have a brutal cold you don’t want to catch. Why don’t you let me get better and then I’ll take you out.” I gave her my phone number and she though that was so sweet she passed out with her head in my lap. Three days later before class she came up to me, gave me a HUGE hug, and thanked me for not being a jerk. We ended up dating and she’s still one of my best friends.
8. I was making out with this girl in a really dark bar. She grabs my hand and pulls me towards the stairs to leave. When we get into the stairwell there’s actually some light and I can see her face is a little busted. So I say “Hold on, I gotta close my tab” (I actually did) and after I closed it I grabbed my friends and said “We gotta go, I’ll explain later, meet me outside,” and I sprinted past the girl who was waiting for me out into the street and waited around the corner. My friends were super confused when they caught up but I explained and they understood it as another of my poor life choices.
9. I hid in a tent.
I went in a three day concert and I camped with my friends in a near field with the rest of the people. Prior the concerts, people just chilled in their tents, started drinking and such. I met a girl and started chatting with her. She was nice and her friends were also nice so we stayed with them. She started hitting up on me but things escalated way too quickly. She went from “Hey, you’re such a nice guy” to “I want to have sex with you here, right now, and after several times in a row, we’ll talk about what we do tomorrow.” She started screaming this to everybody around us and being overly possessive with me like if I was hers (yeah, she was a bit drunk)… I though she was crazy so I just blended into the crowd and fled. I went to my tent and locked myself inside. After a while I heard her passing by, still asking my friends where I was. My friends were nice enough (and also noticed the high-crazyness) and didn’t tell her.
10. I was 15 at the beach for a week and a girl (16) I met earlier that week told me she wanted to hang out on the beach that night. When I went to meet her, she had a blanket laid out and started kissing me and said she wanted her first time to be on the beach. She was like a 5 or 6 as far as attractiveness goes and I didn’t want my first time to be with her. I told her I didn’t have a condom and my penis was all sandy and it would hurt her. I do not regret turning her down.
11. Last year I met a girl at a party, and we hit it off after getting a rather large number of beers inside of us. Eventually we moved into a bedroom and started making out pretty intensely. I was a virgin at this point, and I decided to get down to business for the very first time. As I turned aside to put my socks on (I like to be comfy), she slipped her hand down her skirt and ripped off a bloody tampon, thinking I wasn’t looking. At this point my drunken mind decided to go into overdrive to get me out of there, resulting in me saying the following words: “Bluehhggh I need to bury my tequila.”
I jumped off the bed and ran off into the night like a mystic demon.
12. Went with this girl to some seedy love hotel (I’m Brazilian). She wants me to go down on her. Well, why not? Thing is, there’s a strange smell coming from down there. And it’s far from that normal, girly (and pleasing) smell. No, it’s not menstruation, it’s not poop, it isn’t anything caused by lack of hygiene either. It’s not even an yeast infection (I know these smells, trust me). It’s something akin to carrion, like there’s some necrotic tissue inside her parts. When I took her panties off I almost gagged.
So I did what any manly man would do I immediately excused myself to the bathroom and escaped through the window.
13. It was 2005 or 2006. With some friends at a girl’s place. She has a thing for me, but I strongly suspect that she isn’t completely mentally stable. We’re all on her bed watching Family Guy together. Girl decides she wants me. Rolls on top of me, pins our arms. Friends are like “uuuuuh, we’re gonna leave” and start to head out. I give them the “DON’T LEAVE ME” eyes. I think fast. Wrestling instincts take over. Flip her over, I’m on top of her with her arms pinned now. She has the “OH YES” look in here eyes. I hop up, and “WOOOP WOOOOP WOOOP WOOOP” Zoidberg crab walk away.
14. I was in college when for some reason I can’t quite remember (I was drunk, as per usual) this girl followed me back to my room. She was nice but not my type and we shared a lot of the same friends so I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So what did I do? I said “Oh, awesome, I just remembered I have leftovers!” And then I sat on my bed and ate it as I talked to her until she left.
15. At one of my house parties a few years back, one of my friends brought over a female friend to drink. 10 minutes into the party, it was evident that she wanted to take part in the No-Pants-Dance. I was 50/50 about it. After the party, a fifth of vodka, and a case of beer, my roommate and I went back to our room with this girl and one he had picked up through the night.
They ended up passing out, so I had no feasible way out at this point if something went wrong… Not only did she skip the whole “lets make out for 2 hours” stage, she grabbed a handful of my hair and just started trying to force me to go down on her. At this point, I’m down to a 30/70 in wanting to take part in this. By the time I got to her belly button, the scent of low tide rolled into my nose.
So… I did the natural thing any 21 year old guy would do. I crawled back up to her and started speaking seductively in my Kermit the Frog voice until she left my bed.
16. I was really high watching the Lion King and this very unattractive girl kept edging closer to me on the couch. I eventually wound up curled up in the fetal position away from her tucked into the very corner of the sofa.
17. Girl I was dating in college wanted me to come over to her apartment. Told her I couldn’t because I was busy watching the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Movie with my roommates (which I was).
18. I was at a party once after a bus tour visiting all the wineries in our area. As a result we were all sufficiently inebriated. One of the girls in my uni course at the time starts hitting on me. I’d say about a 5/10 and not much better with alcohol on board. Needless to say I was in no way keen. However her advances were quite obvious and public. My mates picked up on this and did nothing to help me and instead egged her on. I took it for a few hours but couldn’t handle it.
When she started getting a bit too physical I ran away to my friends house, picked up my bicycle and cycled 20km home in a thunderstorm with a flat tyre.
19. Called her the wrong name in between her kissing me. Bad breath is a turn off. “Oh. I thought you were a Sarah.”
20. I was once approached by a girl at a bar who told me that it was her friends birthday and that she really needed to get laid. She said that her friend saw me and thought that I was attractive. I politely declined by making up a story about how I was dating a girl in another state (which was partly true). So the night goes on and her and her friend approach me together this time and tell me that they would like to do things together, all three of us. I, yet again, had to decline the threesome. My reason for doing so? Call me shallow but I just honestly wasn’t into the birthday girl.
21. My girlfriend was in Spain for a while and I was hanging at my local bar for a few drinks after work one night. Somehow while I was having a beer or two and playing darts time passed and all of a sudden it’s near closing time. I am normally a bike commuter, but was recovering from being hit by a car so I was waiting on a cab while this regular customer was trying to chat me up. I’m courteous and polite, but trying to shut her down. After forty minutes of no cab showing up, she offers to give me a ride home. I say, oh well; it’s free. I’ll take it.
Once we’re in the car she won’t stop seriously trying to hit on me. Eventually she asks why I don’t just stay with her and I reply, as I have quite a bit at this point, that I have a girlfriend and I love her. She asks what is so special about this girl that I won’t just cheat on her real quick. Now I’m past being uncomfortable an into getting pissed. I keep my cool, and explain that if I were to come over then I’d need to stop by my house and get my toy box.
She asks what that means, and I tell her it’s just the standard stuff. Ball gags, riding crops, a couple butt plugs, just the basics. She seems a bit weirded out, but not quite what I want. So I say, if you’re into it, that’s just the beginning. Are you into bondage? I’ve got a whole closet full of fun stuff to play with. I keep going, pulling all of this out of thin air, and by the time we’re a couple miles down the road at my house, she can’t wait to get me out of her car. Never did see her in the bar, either.
22. A few years back, single, and on the mend from a 9 year relationship, I was on Facebook chatting with my Mother’s best friend. We were talking about her kids who are my age, and how they’ve been, and how I wished I had hung out with them more in High School. The conversation becomes a bit more personal, and it migrates to text. She’s asking me how big I am, and how she’s always been curious. She’s a very attractive lady, but 30 years older than I am.
In a moment of weakness, I decided, I’m going to hit this. I give her my address, and she starts driving over. In a moment of clarity, I realized what was about to happen and started freaking out. I called my Mother shortly before her friend arrived and told her I was homesick. That I missed her cooking. I asked if she could please come over and cook with me. She enthusiastically agreed, and said she’d be right on down! I asked her if she could please call 5-10 minutes before she got there because I may be in the shower.
Her friend then arrives, and immediately strips down naked before the door even shuts. She starts straddling me and my phone rings. I pick it up, put it on speaker, and it’s my Mother saying she’s about 5 minutes away. Her friend had the deer in the headlights look, put her clothes back on, and bolted.
23. Back when I was 14 there was a girl my junior that was really pretty hot and very sexual (gotta add, this was rural Sweden, all kids could do was drink and have sex) and for some reason, she wanted me. I however was convinced that I loved another girl and could not see that I was never going to get with that, so I rejected the very sexual girl by saying: “I don’t like you up here” points to my head. “Just down here” points to my bits.
She just looked at me, then reached down and grabbed outside my pants, firm enough so that she could get a good squeeze (not an unpleasant one mind you), and then walked away. She didn’t hit on me from that point.
24. I’m in my truck with this girl we are making out, she asks if I have a condom, and I say no. I didn’t want to do it with her just wanted to mess around a little. So a little bit later she slips her hand into my back pocket, and pulls out a condom, she looks at it. Gets out of the truck and leaves. I was like thank… God.
25. Backstory, I dated this girl who was maybe a 4 or 5 out of 10 (10 being hot, 1 being gross) and we broke up in 2007. I hadn’t seen her after we broke up, as we went to different high schools. Two years later, we’re seniors in high school and things have changed. I’m not as fat as I was, and I wasn’t trying to be a gangster/thug anymore and she had (unbeknownst to me) gained a lot of weight.
Okay, so she comes over to my house and we’re in my room alone but I can’t get over the fact that she went from being 115 lbs to 360 lbs (according to her, in her desperate attention-seeking texts later that night) in two years. She’s really TRYING to have sex, with subtle hints here and there until ultimately I’m thinking that I just have to ruin this scenario somehow. So I put on the Spongebob Squarepants Movie. This still isn’t phasing her completely, and she goes for the belt. In a panic, I recognize the scene that’s about to happen and I start singing as obnoxiously as I can. “I’M A GOOFY GOOBER!” I sang in an incredibly shrill, shrieking voice (think Axl Rose circa 2002), as I’m flailing around like a fish. She just sat there pouting and said that she had to go, before the movie ended.
26. This has happened to me more times than I can recall, but the best excuse I have ever giving is just standing there drunk and yelling “I need to use the restroom NOW. If you don’t get off me now I will piss all over you!
27. I was at a party, fairly (OK really) drunk from Tequila, Jamison, and some beer. Was talking to a girl and thought she was deaf and was real excited to go home with her. As I was leaving the party I found out that in fact she was not deaf and now it dawned on me jeez I don’t want to have sex with this girl. So, as we were leaving I said “I forgot my jacket inside”. I ran back into the party upstairs and hid in a shower behind a curtain until I was sure she had left (felt like 30 minutes, was more like 10). But, in that time 3 people used the bathroom. It was hilarious to me.
28. I missed the last train (London underground) and I didn’t want to fork out 50 for a taxi, so I chatted up my friends housemate.
5 minutes of throwing on the charms, and I suggested we head back to hers (my mate’s place).
Oh, in case anyone is saying “why didn’t you just grab your friend and crash with him” – he was still partying, and going out somewhere else after, but I was knackered and wanted to crash out.
As soon as she opened the door, I ran down to the living room and curled up on the sofa. She spent a few minutes in the doorway repeating “Are you coming to bed?”, which I just ignored.
Harsh, I know, but sometimes you just have to do it.
29. After a night out with some friends and friends of friends we head back to my place to watch a movie. After said movie they stay up chatting loudly and I go to bed. They keep chatting loudly, and then thankful this girl comes over and asks if she should shut the door. Great idea, why didn’t I think of that, “yes please”. She enters the room, shuts the door, jumps on me, tongue down throat. As I collect my thoughts and realise my error I say all I could think of “I’m still in love with my ex” I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I permit spooning, I was big spoon.
30. I once found myself rather drunkenly about to have sex with a girl that I really didn’t want to be having sex with.
Usually I’m able to stay within my standards boundaries, but this night I was especially drunk. She was, lets just say, bigger than I will generally go for.
We are about to enter the act, I suddenly have a realisation of what’s happening.
Suddenly I think, urination.
I bolt up, shout “Gotta go piss!!” so I grab my trousers, shoot out the room and make a bee line for the front door and get out.
We never spoke after that.