People on Reddit were asked: “What’s the worst thing you ever woke up to?” These are some of the best answers.
1. YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE ME.
I woke up to my ex standing over my bed. She had broken in to my house and was standing over me until I woke up (roughly 5 minutes). When I woke, the first thing she said was “Why don’t you love me anymore?” To add to the creepiness, she had moved 2,500 miles away a month before and had flown all the way to where I lived to break in.
2. You ever wake up under fire?
Woke up to incoming 122mm rockets and mortars with VC sappers running amok blowing [stuff] up. January 31st 1967, Tet Offensive.
3. Yeah, who wouldn’t want to sleep high in the air?
I was in Vegas (my friend had way too much money at the time and paid for the vacation) and I was completely allergic to the sofa-bed (turns out some fancy couches are stuffed with feathers). So I gathered up the comforter and went out on the balcony (the railing was a piece of glass) and fell asleep 27 stories up. When I woke up, I had managed to curl up next to the glass and was staring straight down at the pool. Nothing like waking up and thinking you’re in mid-fall.
4. Apparently bugs don’t appreciate boundaries.
Yesterday I woke up and as I went to get ready for my morning jerk session I realized there was a lovely tick that had burrowed itself right under the head of my penis.
The realization and removal of this parasite was probably the most uncomfortable and terrible experience I’ve woken up to.
5. This is how you know somebody is “the one”.
I got sick one day at my GF’s house. She took care of me all night as I puked in her toilet. In the morning, she comes into her room (she gave me the bed) with some lottery tickets to cheer me up. I’m sitting there, feeling much better, scratching away when I suddenly farted. Except it wasn’t a fart, but a post-sick, mini [poop]. On her bed. It was runny. So I puke all night on this poor girl and [pooped] in her bed the next morning when she brings me some scratch tickets and all she did was laugh and toss the stuff in the laundry.
I married her.
6. A dream is a wish your heart makes.
I was dreaming about my best friend, him and I just hanging out. I then awoke to the realization that he wasn’t there with me, that he had died a few months before. I felt so sick from being brought back to reality.
7. Is it your birthday? Because your cat got you a present.
I once woke up bright and early to my cat squeezing out a wet, sloppy cat-dump onto my upper stomach/chest, perfectly on display for my delirious, rheum-encrusted gaze. I guess I had accidentally closed her into my room for the whole night.
It was the weirdest thing ever. She was kind of shaking and making weird mewing noises. I think she felt really bad and stressed out about it, and her way of both comforting herself and somehow giving me some sort of apology or acknowledgement of regret was to lay her generously-sized Cleveland steamer on my chest. It’s ok. I had a shirt on and blanket covering me.
8. Just a nice relaxing… F@#$!!!
So I woke up one Saturday and realized that it was actually Tuesday.
9. No, there’s actually someone under your bed.
Christmas, probably about 10 years ago. My bed back then was raised so that a person could easily slide underneath without jarring the frame or making too much noise. Anyways, it’s about 6:30 in the morning and I wake up to this light, repetitive tapping noise. It kind of seemed like it was coming from under the bed, so I swung my torso down while keeping my legs under the covers to check. I see a person knocking on the wood beams of the bed frame underneath my bed, and had a minor heart attack. Of course, the way I was positioned, my screaming and flailing only propelled me out of bed and I landed on my neck, looking under the bed.
To discover that it is my brother (who is 3 years older than me) trying to get me up so we could open our gifts. Why he thought that was the best way to do it is beyond me. To this day, I am still planning a retaliation for this.
10. Would you like a castration with that?
After surgery, I woke up to a catheter being removed.
Before the surgery I was told that I wouldn’t need one, but it lasted longer than expected. Thus, I had no idea what was going on and thought they were ripping my [penis] off.
11. We’re not near a nuclear test site, are we?
I was awoken early one morning to what sounded like a nuclear bomb. It was a loud blast that rumbled for a good ten seconds. I immediately looked out the window to see if there were any mushroom clouds.
I was living on a lake at the time, so the sound that I heard was actually thunder that echoed over the water. Still scary.
12. Wait – did you Incept yourself???
I used to have a bunk bed that was only the top bunk; it was wooden and probably over 15 years old. I was a senior in high school and was definitely too big for the bed, but I kept using it regardless. At 2 am, the day of my AP English test, my bed collapsed. If you’ve seen Inception then you’re familiar with the concept of the “kick”.
Well, it’s completely true. I dropped straight down a good 5 1/2 feet and was awakened the instant is started, so I got to experience the whole drop. I was unhurt, but extremely disoriented.
13. Just a little affectionate nibbling.
Woke up to a full grown huntsman spider on my cheek. I flinched, and it jumped to my chest. It bit right next to my nipple. For the rest of the day, I had to discreetly itch my boob because people would look at me strangely if they saw.
14. Don’t you like to be complimented in your sleep?
I took a nap of a friend’s couch when he was having a small party. This guy can be really creepy when he changes his voice. So, I woke up to a long, loud sniff and him whispering in this deep, gravelly voice, “You smell like strawberries.”
It was terrifying. It took me a minute to realize it was just him and not someone else who had dropped in at his house.
15. Some people wake up with coffee. Others prefer death threats.
Drug addict broke into my house, awoke to him standing over me with a knife in hand. Yup, that was a bad morning.
16. Every time you close your eyes could be the last time…
Last year my wife took some pain pills and to make sure she got some sleep, sleeping pills also. When I woke up, she was curled up right next to me, she looked like she was in a very deep sleep. As I did everyday, I gave her a kiss goodbye and sure, her forehead was cold but the A/C was on full blast and I didn’t think anything of it.
I got a call about 6 hours later from my son frantically telling me to come home because there was something wrong with Mom, he was unable to wake her up. They had called 911 and by the time I got there, she had been pronounced dead.
There was a good chance she was dead when I kissed her goodbye. I might have not known it then, but, yeah, looking back, that was the worst thing I ever woke up to.
17. Grandpa’s show and tell.
My grandpa’s [penis] and nutsack hanging out of his aging briefs as he woke me up to hand me the telephone.
18. Look out your window and watch the world change.
One day toward the end of summer years ago a good friend called me shortly before 9am and said somewhat franticly “Go look out your back window, NOW!”
I put the phone down and strode up to the window and stood there, cleaning my glasses like I obsessively do, using my shirt to wipe the lenses, wiping yesterday’s nose oil off the nose pads, etc.. and then I finally put the glasses up to my face as I wondered what all [this was] about.
The back of my parents’ house in NYC has a gorgeous view of the Manhattan skyline from about 12 miles away. Sure enough, the day was September 11 2001, and if you’d asked me to name a million things I thought I might see that day, what I was looking at probably wouldn’t have made the list.
19. Don’t make her call her boss.
A lost and angry prostitute trying to break down my door.
20. What’s worse than a spider on your face…?
Ok, so I have a bunk bed, and I sleep about 2 feet from the ceiling. Woke up one night and heard some scratching sounds. Tried to ignore it, but it got louder. Grabbed a flashlight, looked up, and right there, a foot from my face, was a scorpion hanging upside down and crawling towards me. Smashed it to a pulp with the flashlight, and spent the rest of the night jumping at every little sound or movement. Another time there was one crawling towards my face on my chest. Live in the Texas hill country and scorpions are not uncommon, but still not something you want to wake up to.
21. That’s why you wear a condom.
Waking up at 3am to a screaming 2 year old, covered shoulders to ankles in diarrhea and vomit. Feels bad, man.
22. Enough blood to donate.
My friend woke up to a bloody condom right next to his face because two of his friends decided to have sex on his floor while he slept. It was an inconvenient time of the month.
23. Sometimes you wish you could go back to sleep.
About 6-7 years ago, I woke up to hear my mum and dad fighting in the other room, as it turns out my dad was having an affair for some time, my mum had figured out and that was the day it ended for them…
24. You can’t teach timing.
Just this morning I woke up to my roommate’s bare bottom pointing in my direction. Full on bent over while putting his pants on. After the 10 hours of sleep that I got, my body chose that 10 second window to wake up.
25. The sign didn’t say “never mind the guard dog.”
When I was in high school, I woke up to the sound of a girl screaming like she was being murdered outside my window. I ran outside and my german shepherd was mauling one of my classmates. I lived in the country, and her car had broken down close to my house. So, she walked up my driveway passed the DO NOT ENTER and BEWARE OF GUARD DOG signs to use my phone. The dog was like, “Who the hell are you?” and the girl was like, “Who the hell are YOU?!” and then the dog was like OM NOM NOM.
26. Two weeks or two seconds?
Woke up strapped to a hospital bed on a respirator after having been comatose for 2 weeks.
27. It’s all uphill from here.
My 19th birthday.
Hungover, short $400 and in bed with a girl I would fall in love with, only to have her leave me for my best friend’s girlfriend.
28. Things can change so suddenly.
My freshman year, I woke up to flashing red and blue lights outside my window and to the voices of two paramedics as they wheeled my grandfather out to the ambulance. I held my grandmother as she cried explaining that he was in so much pain that she didn’t know what to do… He died a few days later in the hospital, he was the only person I ever looked up too and that ever believed in me.
29. What the hell are you keeping in your basement?
Maggots. Crawling out of the baseboards, covering the floor. All. Over. UGGGHH.
30. I feel like there’s something growing between us.
Oh, looks like it’s story time. So, this year was my freshman year of college, and one night I was invited to spend the night in my girlfriends dorm. All went well with sexy times and such, and we fell asleep together with me only wearing boxers. Sometime during the night I woke up and felt hot, so I pulled the covers off me.
Fast forward a few hours and I feel some claws on my bare back, and suddenly hear a squeak in my ear. I immediately got up and flung whatever it was off of me. Turns out it was a rat. A really big rat.
So, my girlfriend wakes up to me screaming like a bitch and she starts freaking out. Now might be a good time to mention she has a phobia of rodents. So at this point, both of us were freaking out and ran to the door.
My girlfriend quickly changed dorm buildings and had nightmares for weeks. So that’s the story of my first night sleeping in a girls dorm.
31. Free plastic surgery!
My wife’s cat biting into my bottom lip, and trying to remove it from my face.
32. That’s why you don’t tell daddy.
One time, I woke up to the sound of screaming and yelling. It took me a few seconds to realize that my dad was screaming. Ive never heard him scream like that before. He has yelled at me, hit me, and gotten mad but nothing like this before. I could hear him screaming from across the hall. He was completely going insane. Turns out, my old fashioned Korean father was in the garage going to work when he saw a backpack on the floor. He opened it to find my brother’s entire weed/grinder/wraps/lighter/pipe stash. So many holes in the walls.
33. The ants go marching.
Ants all over my clothes and near my bed. I NOPED and vacuumed all of them up.
34. Now that’s a walk of shame.
Woke up naked bleeding in a bush after a night of severe drinking. No recollection of how I got there. I carry much shame.
35. The TV isn’t the only thing with antennae.
So I was about 13 and sleeping at a friend’s house after a party when the tip of my nose started to tickle. Now I’m not sure about you guys, but if you’re sleeping near 13 year old boys and your nose starts to tickle, you gotta wake up. In fear of going to school with a big sharpie penis on my face, I opened my eyes to see which friend it was. But instead of one of my friends, I saw an antennae.
Then a leg.
Then the bulbous eyes of a MASSIVE cockroach perched on my nose.
36. What a tangled web we weave.
I went camping 2 weeks ago with my SO and a half dozen of my closest friends. We hung out and drank till about 4 am when we all decided to crash. I awoke around 7am (anytime I camp I’m up when the sun is because it’s crazy bright). I look over at my SO and sitting mere inches from her delicate face is a silver dollar sized spider. “CRAP!” I think. I grab a nearby paper towel and gently kill the shit out of the spider. The girlfriend wakes up with a puzzled look and I tell her the recent events. She looks over and sleepily points in the corner of the tent where the was ANOTHER large spider. I gaze around the tent and spy about a 7+ spiders. We look at each other and she whispered “we’re leaving.” so without waking anyone we peaced right the hell out.
37. It’s a gift for the family!
I once woke up to my cat jumping on my bed with a bloody, half-dead chipmunk in her mouth. She dropped it right by my face.
38. Milk is like wine, right?
I had a pint of chocolate milk, about half-full, that had been sitting by my bed for a few months. The bottle pressurized slowly overtime and eventually the seal burst in the middle of the night. Soon after, rotten milk fumes spread throughout my room. Almost immediately, I woke up and blew chunks all over myself, ruining my just finished quilt. Sick nasty.
39. You’re never too old to let it all hang out…
Once I was camping and woke up early. I stepped out of my tent and the first thing I saw was an elderly naked man running past me with an axe screaming “GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!!”