Now, if only these people could convince their sleepwalking spouses to do the dishes!
1. I don’t know what an “exclusion zone” is, but I certainly wouldn’t enter it.
I rolled over to hug him and he accused me of entering his exclusion zone, and if I proceeded I would be fired upon.
2. I’m SURE that’s the reason why they don’t go to the gym anymore…
I used to try to wake up before my girlfriend to go to the gym. One morning I got out of bed, slipped into my shoes, opened the door and she whispered very meekly, “Sad… Cold…” I don’t go to the gym very often anymore.
3. Well then, I don’t want none of your brand.
I woke up to him elbowing me in the side. Looked over and he was scratching his balls. He then reached his hand up to his nose, sniffed, and gently mumbled, “My brand!”
4. Of course, it’s always my fault.
She farted loudly enough to wake herself up. Then promptly told me I was gross.
5. Not sure what that even means…
My mom told me I once said, “Don’t go to that party, they have spaghetti. It’ll mess up your circuits.” Honestly I have no idea.
6. Glad they got that going for them.
My fiance yelled out, “Yeah well at least I’m not a 90’s game console!”
I laughed so loud it woke him up.
7. This is very cute.
Not funny but very sweet. My husband lost his dad when he was ten. We had travelled to a football match with tons of friends and all crammed into a rented house together. My friend who had lost her husband at 27 was sleeping with us in a king bed…nothing kinky, just making use of space. My husband is sound asleep and starts telling his dad all about how fun the day was and how much fun his brother had. At the end he said, “Wait dad…one more thing. I love ya. Okay, I know you have to go…bye.” It was cool that our friend was there too, as she understood loss in a similar way.
8. Well, are you??
I got up to piss, my then girlfriend said, “Are you going to fight the battle now?” She was still asleep.
9. Who knew sleeping could be so darn funny?
A small collection from my boyfriend:
“Laundry’s here. Weren’t you listening?”
“When will I ever get this answer out of you?!”
“Don’t touch my gingerbread house again, Mum, I mean it”
A really big exasperated sigh followed by “Pants with buttons. GROSS.”
“Small.” – said while gently patting my face
“Are your balls sweaty too?”
“I don’t have balls, honey.”
“I knew it!”
Every damn night. He’s a riot.
10. The wonderful thing about Tigger…
My SO regularly giggles in his sleep. Not any normal giggle, but like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh.
I’m a pretty light sleeper, so I’ll be dozing off and all of the sudden…
“Hoo hoo hoo hoooooo!”
11. Close call.
My sister and I shared a room growing up. She would often talk in her sleep.
One night, I was getting up to go to the bathroom and suddenly hear someone yell, “WAIT!”
I almost peed my pants right there. I heard my sister continue, “Stop, you can’t steal my CD like that.” Then she rolled over and continued sleeping.
12. Never know what you’ll say when you’re out of it after getting your wisdom teeth removed.
This happened today!
Took him to have all four wisdom teeth removed this morning. Towards the end, he asked the dentist if he could go to the bathroom. I walked him there. When he finished washing his hands, he looked at me, still 100% numb in the face, and said “chubby bunny”.
13. Yeah, I’d be embarrassed.
I used to sleep walk and sleep talk a lot during Middle School. My mother got into a habit of video-taping all my sleep walking/sleep talking adventures for the fun of it. One day she showed me a video of me walking aimlessly to the living room, where my mother had a group of 10-ish friends over for a book reading club. I stopped at the edge of the room and stood there for 2-3 minutes while my mom video taped me. Before leaving, I waved my hand in an arc over my head, said in a regal tone “Death to all of the villagers”, and went back upstairs.
14. Please, don’t touch.
I sleep walk all the time, go to the toilet, grab drinks etc. come back naked no idea how. But one night, my girlfriend woke me up shaking me as I was stood on the end of the bed (raised up foot post end) and I was moving my hands crystal ball style around the unlit light bulb on our ceiling say “isn’t it beautiful” then whenever she was trying to stop me I was saying, “ssssshhhhh… don’t touch it, it will fly away.”
15. Did NOT expect that!
A few weeks ago I fell asleep on the couch while my boyfriend was playing video games on our laptop in the bedroom. Apparently, I walked into the bathroom turned on the hot water in the sink and filled a cup, then walked into the bedroom and asked how his game was going. He said he was getting slaughtered. I laughed said, “It’s about to get worse” and threw the water at him.
16. I’m not quite sure if that’s a compliment or not…
I said to my fianc in my sleep: “I love you because you have such long antennae.”
17. That’s gotta be the worst superhero ever.
My ex talked a lot in his sleep and had recurring dreams. He was the “Owl-slayer”, a superhero in them because he hated owls. I always knew when he had his superhero dream because he would start to hum the theme tune to “Dallas”, that was the superhero’s intro and he would keep mumbling “Die stupid owls.” and “There’s another one of the winged bugger” etc. It was hilarious.
18. You’re trying, but that’s not really helping.
My girlfriend woke up to find me in my underwear, with the vacuum steering it back and forth over the carpet, not even on, electrical cord still wound tight, just vacuuming.
19. Hold up, you can have a pet duck!?
A boyfriend said in his sleep, “I love you Mary Margaret”. It was the name of his parents’ pet duck, which had recently disappeared.
20. That kind of hurt…
My mum, after falling asleep on the couch.
Mum: “We’ll need to find a replacement…” Me: “for what?” Mum: “Your sister.”
21. I wouldn’t sleep again either.
This is not my story, but my ex-girlfriend’s. She was sleepwalking once and woke up in her living room, only to look out of the backdoor straight into the eyes of a man trying to break in. Needless to say, she did not sleep well for a couple of months.
22. Don’t want any old tater tots.
Husband: I don’t want any tater tots from you. I can get tater tots from anyone on the damn street.
23. Two very conflicting messages I’m getting over here.
She sang “Captain, why you such a lovely fellaaaaaaa” and elbowed me in the throat.
24. “But he really does look like one!”
When my girlfriend is asleep I’m able to have full blown conversations with her. One night, I asked her what she thought of her fellow classmates and she commented about how this one guys hair made him look like a Chia pet. I laughed so hard I woke her up. When I told her about it she said, “But he really does look like one!”
25. That is a very special motorcycle.
My friend Heather regularly talks in her sleep. Her partner, Luke, records it and will gladly play it for friends. Once Heather was dreaming about motorcycles, and explained she had a special motorcycle made from potatoes. Luke asked “What does your motorcycle sound like?” Heather replied “IT’S A POTATOCYCLE! IT GOES POTATO POTATO POTATO.”
26. “The land is rife with beasts.”
My wife and I had been dating for about a year when I took off my t-shirt and offered it to her as armor. Apparently, I told her that “the land is rife with beasts.” I woke up shirtless, so I believe her.
27. That is truly the dream.
Was still awake working when my boyfriend sleep talked, “I’m going father the kittens.”
28. That is so terrifying.
It’s me, I’m the sleep talker.
“No no I can’t help, the giant chickens! There are giant chickens!”
“I have to enjoy the go-karting first. Sorry.”
The ‘worst’ incident was when I was a young child, though. I’d had a bad fever, stayed in all day playing Sonic 2 on the Mega Drive, and went to bed.
I started sleepwalking at 3am, SOAKED in blood from a nosebleed. I silently got into my parents room, stood inches away from my dad trying to wake him up… and when I finally did, I started screaming that the “red man” was going to get me, and kill me, all while sprinting full tilt around this tiny room.
My dad confessed years later that he’d never been so scared in his life; he’d watched The Shining earlier that day, so a tiny kid in a dressing gown coated in blood kinda messed with him.
29. Since when do cats have pepperoni?
Ex-wife once screamed, “But the tacos aren’t free, dude!” Then another time, “The cat’s pepperoni slid off the tree, I repeat, the cat’s pepperoni has slid off the tree.”
30. “For some reason, he still decided to marry me.”
I had been dreaming about working in a fish hatchery (a character in a book I was reading worked in one) and I was trying to explain to my then boyfriend how to fertilize the fish eggs. Except what I was actually saying was “pass me the sperm” 3 or 4 times while holding out my hand.
For some reason, he still decided to marry me.
31. Great. You go right back to sleep and I have to stay up, terrified.
He sat up in the bed, shook me and told me : “The spiders ! I saw them ! They are under the bed, and they are huge !!” And then he fell asleep again immediately.
I… not so much. I’m arachnophobic, and didn’t sleep at all anymore that night.