Computer repair people were asked: “What is the weirdest thing you’ve found on a computer you were fixing?” These are some of the best answers.
1. Old dog, old tricks.
Had a really old guy bring a computer in. Booted the computer up on the front counter to do a free diagnostic, and he had a close-up shot of some old lady’s boobs as his background. Luckily I managed to kill the power before the family with little kids that were in shop saw it. I think it kind of aroused him to have some young guy seeing his wife’s nasty jugs.
2. Work out the bugs.
A guy who didn’t speak English brought his computer into me. It wouldn’t turn on. Like any regular repair tech, I popped open the side cover of his desktop to find a fried roach on his board. I’m not squeamish person by any means so I pointed to it. Funny thing was, about 50 more crawled out of every nook and cranny on the board at that point. I slammed the cover back on and handed the PC back to him. He looked at me confused so all I could think to say was: “El fuego.”
3. Just a little rodent humor.
A gigantic gaming computer that was full of rat sh*t and dead bugs. It smelled terrible. When I cracked open the case and saw/smelled the horrors inside, the guy that brought it in just nonchalantly said “Haha, looks like I might have a mouse.”
4. Gone with the Windows 98.
Child porn. I turned it over to my boss. I got let go the next day. His shop closed down weeks later and I never heard from the guy again. Not a clue what went down.
5. More like booty-up.
Back in the mid-90s, when most computers were still built by independent shops, I worked for one of these shops. Guy brings his computer in one day for an upgrade. Everything seemed normal until his boot-up sound. He was still there when we booted it the first time and suddenly throughout the store we hear: “Come on baby, give Daddy some lovin’. “
Guy laughed hysterically, thought it was the funniest thing ever. I copied that file and still have it today, along with most of my other files from the 90s.
6. You’re a strange animal.
I once had a client’s computer that contained 5tb of porn, 40gb of which was bestiality. It had something like 1400 viruses, trojans, etc, etc, etc running wild on it. He didn’t understand why it was going so slow.
7. $40 can’t buy a new brain.
An older couple had me do a routine checkup on their desktop on a house call. Their desktop background was the husband wearing a gimp mask with a road cone stuffed in his a**. They paid me an extra $40 to forget I saw it.
8. Maybe don’t yell at the people who know all your secrets…
We once had a couple that came in. They were rude a**hats to us and completely whiny that their repair might take up to three days (we were a busy repair shop). The husband was the worst. He screamed at us that he ran a business and yaddayaddayadda.
Anyway, we end up having to restore their computer because it’s just riddled with infections and we want it up and running as quick as possible. They have 2 locked user accounts. Wife has… maybe 500mb of pictures and documents, mostly business related. Her husband? 320gigs in a secret folder named affectionately “gay porn.”
In the interest of time, when we set up their restored windows we set up just 1 user account: Admin. And dumped everything on the desktop.
9. But did he know you knew he knew that you knew?
Work as a consultant. CEOs computer who we knew very well, was a client for years, beautiful wife and family. Mounds of gay porn.
He used to bring in his computer at least once a month due to viruses. Every time we would back everything up and reformat. We always put the gay porn in a folder called “____ stuff” in my documents. He knew we knew. We knew he knew we knew. Probably one of the reasons they were our client so long.
10. It’s multi-purpose.
This is a little tame, but funny. A customer brought in his Compaq Presario and complained the DVD drive didn’t work ‘right’ anymore. I found the tray door was cracked, covered in coffee, and there were plenty of coffee strains down the front of the tower. I honestly believe to this day that the urban legends are true and this guy was using his DVD drive as a coffee holder.
11. Hey, it’s important to back up.
An iTunes profile with 1 song repeated about 1000 times. Not played 1000 times, like 1000 individual and separate copies of the same song. ‘Come on Eileen’ by Dexy’s Midnight Runners if you’re wondering.
12. The perfect crime…
I worked for a local government down south doing desktop support and a woman turned in a loaner laptop from her department for repair. It looked like someone spilled a 2 litre bottle of soda on it. After it was fixed I turned it on and instead of the standard build it had none of our regular software installed. The desktop background was for some boy band and the owner information was for this woman’s daughter.
I looked for our asset tag for identification and it was scraped off. The serial number wasn’t and it did match one of our laptops. Apparently this woman stole the laptop, set it up for her kid who messed it up then returned it to us to get it fixed under our service warranty with the manufacturer. They let her get away with it too.
13. Could it be… the DaVinci Code?
A strange file that was just coded text. It was thousands of pages of plain text.
Not strange but for the fact that I found this on the computer of a Mason. He didn’t have an explanation for what it was. I’m not conspiracy theorist, but I casually bring this up when Masonry is the topic of conversation.
14. Dinner is not served.
I once found a live rat in a client’s tower. When I asked about it, turned out it was one of the feeders they bred for their snake that had escaped. I kept it and named it Lucky.
15. I want them to watch.
I set up a web cam for a guy. The next day he brings it back in saying it never worked, except when I opened the webcam application there were about 25 stills of his junk, I also noticed when he came back in to get it he was wearing the same shirt he was wearing in the pics. Needless to say the camera worked fine, I think he just wanted someone to see his junk.
16. Who checks the recycling?!
Fixed a computer for our principal back in high school. It was all pretty clean until we opened the recycle bin and found around 100gigs worth of 18 year olds and Russian mail order brides. It was interesting to say the least.
17. Bros before hose.
20 gigs of pantyhose fetish porn. This was back in 2007, when 20gb was a fairly large chunk of space. Some of the pictures were just feet with pantyhose on, others were women shoving pantyhose in their orifices. It was just odd.
The comical part was this was all stored under a user profile named “Dad”. The guy had two user profiles, one for his SFW tasks and one for his panty hose porn. Even the wallpaper was some pantyhose fetish picture.
18. I dreamed a dream in time gone byyyy…
My old boss had a powerpoint presentation on the proper use of enemas. What’s worse is that he was the ‘model’ in the powerpoint. I was curious when I saw it on his desktop labeled ‘My dream.ppt’
19. You like what you see?
Pictures of my colleague’s 55-year-old wife’s shaved vag. He was standing behind me at the time.
20. Maybe its soul is broken.
A possessing spirit, maybe? A random machine was brought in, and it looked like a standard motherboard swap. Didn’t fix it. New RAM? Still having the same problem. CPU, cabling, power supply, Hard drive, optical drives all got replaced with known goods, and the case’s grounding got checked. Literally every single component in that case got replaced, with methodical logging on the ERO, and the computer still would not boot. It got listed as “possessed” and dumped in the DRMO pile. True story.
21. Never had him pegged as that kind of guy.
Photo series of a doctor at Christmas doing lines of cocaine and being pegged by his (pretty hot) girlfriend.
22. IT MUST FEEEEED.
I found tortillas that the children had tried to feed through the scanner.
23. What a human waste.
Found 2 dead baby possums inside a server tower.
Also feces, actual human faces with a sticky note saying I quit.
24. You’re on Candid Camera.
I found a bag of weed in one PC that got sent in for repair. Another one had a family of baby mice in the case. One PC that I was fixing for a female friend had a homemade porno on it, her and I were in it, It was from a lot of years ago and I had completely forgotten about that night until I saw it.
25. The cure is worse than the disease.
An ‘antivirus’ programme which was actually corrupting the pc whilst scanning it. Slowly and painfully killing the poor little machine. The programme was so obviously fake though. The user was a 20 something male. He should have known better.
26. Death and taxes.
I was a temp at the help desk for a city IT department. One Monday morning, first thing, I got a call from a city employee saying he couldn’t find the pictures he just uploaded from his camera. I was very new and had this sort of call once before from a guy who did building inspections, so I did not think twice about remoting into his computer to find his folders.
As soon as I found the folder, which was quick, and opened it to make sure it was the folder he was looking for, he says, “oh, I think I should tell you, I’m with the coroner’s office…”
27. Now that’s Clickbait.
Received a returned computer and was asked to inspect in it for damages. I fire it up and there is only one icon in the middle of the desktop. It was a folder titled “God’s gift to man”. Naturally it sparked my curiosity. I open the folder taking the bait, only to find hundreds of pictures of Nicholas Cage Photoshopped into everything.
I laughed pretty hard. I was not set up by my employers. It just seemed to be a joke from the client.
28. Nice work if you can get it.
I had to fix a gynaecologist’s computer. There were pictures of vaginas all over the place.
29. Loud and proud, strong and wrong.
A guy came in because he wasn’t able to play a XXX DVD in his laptop. The douchebag wanted me to test it in from of him. There was other people in the store and of course the volume was maximum and the autoplay started… Not cool.
30. Wait – you can have them as pets?
Once was told to “diagnose” a laptop whose owner’s pet raccoon had pissed on the keyboard and soaked into the motherboard. Worst smelling computer in the world.
31. Old dog, old tricks.
User where I work was trying to get a hold of me for several days (kept playing phone tag). He heard me talking in the hallway and hurriedly flagged me down. In his rush to get me and bring me back to his office he completely forgot to close out the 5 or 6 tabs of grandma porn he was looking at.