Sometimes it can be hard to find the right words to express what you’re feeling. When you think in your head it might sound great, but coming out of your mouth is a different story.
Here are 39 things people have said that just didn’t come out quite right.
1. I packed my carry on bag really full for a flight to California and when my bag was pulled for additional search I said to the TSA officer,”Careful when you open that, it might explode.”
2. Bartender here. Getting a draft beer for a customer and poured the first one of the night so it was pretty much all head. I said to him “it will be a minute unless you like head”. He looked at me and then his wife and said “not that kind”.
3. I was at a dentist appointment and the doctor and hygienist were both trying to look at my teeth and I said, “I can only handle one person in my mouth at a time.”
4. My friend is holding his infant daughter.
In my head: “She’s so lucky to be born in our modern world, medicine is advancing so fast she may well see the cure to old age, practical immortality.”
Out of my mouth: “I wonder how long she’ll live?”
Nobody’s ever given me a dirtier look.
5. Server here. Woman asked me what I recommended. I said, “Middle-aged women usually like the salads.”
I dont even know what the heck is wrong with me.
6. In high school, I tried to give unique compliments to people. It got awkward.
“You look good in clothes,” I told one female classmate.
In my head: WTF DID YOU DO??
7. My sister had just been dumped by her fiance. She was devastated. We were at Denny’s, where they use to eat a lot, and we were thinking about what to order. She said “You know what Bryan uses to love?” meaning something he always ate there. Without skipping a beat I said, “You?”
8. My dad, mom and I were at a funeral for an older lady we’d known for years (I was probably about thirteen). Her son, who my parents had never met, was in the receiving line.
When we got to him, my mom is talking about his mother and how much everyone loved her, etc. When we’re getting ready to walk away, my mother smiles at this guy, a little misty eyed, and says, “We just loved her to death.”
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective) for her, this guy was a genius because, without skipping a beat, he deadpans it and says, “So, you’re the reason for all this.”
I swear my dad and I laughed the entire way home.
9. I was a server waiting on a Black family (I’m white). We had a great rapport. Then the son said something to which I responded, “Well that’s the pot calling the kettle *slight pause* hot.”
They stared at me for a beat then started laughing hysterically.
10. “You look pretty today.”
Apparently what I really said was, “You look ugly every day except for today”
I don’t understand women.
11. It was raining. A classmate had forgotten her umbrella and was talking about how soaked she was.
My genius quip: “Oh don’t act like this is the first time you’ve ever been wet around me.”
It may have only been a few seconds, but the silence and staring at me that followed is burned in my mind forever.
12. This wasn’t me, but my brother in law, who is Indian, told one of my sisters that she looked very fat in her bridesmaid dress. To him it was a compliment, he was trying to say that the dress fit her well. To her it was the most insulting thing anyone could ever say.
13. I told my ex-wife that she looked like Meat Loaf. It was the hair. She had just shaken her head, and her hair was glowing sort of shimmery-like.
Clearly, I am a moron, but in my defense, we were both drunk as hell. She cried really hard.
14. Ive performed a lot of carpal tunnel surgeries, so when talking to my pre-op nurses, I informed them that most of the jobs that I have had were “hand jobs.” It made so much sense in my head.
15. When I was around 10, I asked a girl if she was recovering from the chickenpox. She wasn’t. It was just acne.
16. On our second date: “I’m proud of my ability to talk people into things. One day, I’ll talk you into something and you will be so ashamed.”
I scared her away.
17. Told my wife, “I didn’t marry you for your looks” when attempting to compliment her intelligence.
18. My girlfriend and I had a chance to move out of the country for my work and the company would pay extra if we were married. I suggested that we quick hit the courthouse and do a legal wedding. Followed it up with, “It’s not like we would really be married.” Big mistake
19. First week working at a jewelry store. I’d been told by the manager to listen to how other associates interacted with the customers and then come up with my own ice breakers to try and get the customers interacting with the jewelry (a customer is more likely to buy if they hold the jewelry or try it on).
One night two older ladies come up to the front counter…..
Me: “Hi, how are you tonight?”
“We’re good, just looking.”
“Ok, let me know if there’s anything I can pull out for you to fondle.”
20. I was in a Computer Science class and we were converting binary to decimal and vice-versa. I asked the teacher “Can you do 69?” referring to converting 69 from decimal to binary.
He and the rest of the class howled after he responded with, “Yes I can”.
21. Girl told me she planned on becoming a personal trainer. I say, “Don’t you have to be fit to be a personal trainer?”
22. I was driving home from dinner with my brand new fianc and we were talking about our lives, who does what jobs around the house etc and I said: “My life would be exactly the same whether you were in it or not.”
He was very upset. I meant it in the context of housework/ cooking/ cleaning, because I do everything myself. He did not take it that way.
23. I was at the movies years ago with my then boyfriend, now husband. When we were buying the tickets, she asked if I was a student (students get discounts).
In my head, “I go to the School of Hard Knocks” sounded amazing. It sounded like a rebellious guitar riff. It sounded like unicorns. It sounded like eagles screaming. Like I would pull down my shades and saunter away.
OUT LOUD? Nah. Groans. Face palms. Deep burning shame.
24. I was in art class and my teacher only had half of her right arm (until her elbow).
She was carrying some equipment and without thinking I said, “Do you need a hand?”
The whole class gave me a horrible look and I realized what I had just said. The funniest part was her response.
She looked at her hand and said, “Well, I need half.”
25. I was in boot camp (Navy) and we did these things called stealth jumping jacks. All eighty of us had to do them in two lines, only clapping on the fifth repetition.
After two hours doing these things, starting all over with five more being added every time someone messed up, I got put in charge of getting our timing down.
I had everyone freeze with their legs open and hands up, then went around behind one of the lines of recruits. I said in my loudest voice, “Everyone look between your legs. If you can see me there, you’re doing it right.”
We laughed so hard that the chief came in and exercised us all night.
26. Touching girl’s face with my hand: “I’d think you were pretty if I was blind.”
27. I was buying a coffee, when the oldest service clerk I’ve ever seen handed me my coffee. Now, in my head, I wanted to wish everyone a good day. What I ended up saying was “Enjoy the rest of your days”.
28. My girlfriend was working from home, and not getting a lot of work done. I was trying to get her to have sex, and the way that I pleaded was, “Come on, aren’t you excited to get paid to have sex?”
29. “You look even better with your clothes on.”
Not at all what I meant. I meant that she looked beautiful no matter her level of undress. Nerves and speaking before my brain worked out the words made for an awkward moment.
As if being nude in front of somebody for the first time isn’t nerve wracking enough, I had to blurt that out.
30. “I’ve got the herps.”
I said this to entire group of high school students from my church.
What I MEANT was, “I have a combination of the hiccups and burps.” Which I had previously, to my own amusement called “hurps.”
31. I was having sex with a girlfriend when she said, “Talk dirty to me.” I was inexperienced, so I was also kind of nervous, and I said the first thing that came to mind in a most sultry voice: “You stupid idiot.”
She laughed because she was a good sport, and she knew I wasn’t trying to insult her.
32. My wife is pregnant and we were getting ready to go to a wedding. She put on her dress and said she felt fat because she was a few weeks pregnant. I told her, “You don’t look any different than you usually do,” which to her sounded like, “You always look this fat.”
I know what I meant. After that, I said, “You’re hair is pretty. I think I hear the phone ringing! I’d better go and answer it!
33. Me and my best friend were at Outback eating some cheesecake for dessert. She eats hers really fast and proceeds to say, “Where’d my cheesecake go? I only maent to take a bite.” Then I being the genius I am said, “Your thighs.”
She wouldn’t talk to me for the longest time….
34. Sister-in-law was getting married and I meant to say something about how I always knew she’d have a beautiful wedding, but it came out, “She’ll have a beautiful wedding no matter who she marries.” My mother-in-law clearly thought I meant I didn’t think this wedding would work out and interestingly enough it didn’t and also I think I’m psychic.
35. Met a woman who had the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen, like swirling green galaxies of a million shining stars.
In my head: “Wow. Those are gorgeous. Like works of art. They’re so beautiful they should keep them on display for all mankind to see forever.”
Out of my mouth: You have pretty eyes. I bet they’d look good on a pedestal.
Happy ending: We’ve been married for six years now.
36. Worked at a Christmas Day soup kitchen several years ago. One of the guys I was serving asked if there were any whole wheat rolls instead of the plain white rolls. Without any hesitation I said, “sorry, beggars can’t be choosers.”
37. While I was cashiering, an old man I was checking out was basically telling me his life story. Before he left, he said “I hope you have a good life” and I responded “I hope you had a good life.”
38. When I was a child, my friends mom passed away. He loved Batman so I said, you’re only one parent away from being like Batman.
39. Once my wife asked, “Do you want a Twinkie?”
My response was, “Hell no. I just ate.”
She cried and went back upstairs. It turns out what she actually said was, “Do you want a quickie.”