If someone ever tells you that they hate dad jokes, don’t believe them.
Here are thirty-eight. You will groan. You will laugh. You will believe.
Check out more jokes from the source at the end of this article!
1. Classic Watson.
Holmes and Watson are about to go out on an investigation. Before leaving, Watson says he needs to use the restroom. He goes in and 5 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, 15 minutes pass. Finally Holmes goes to the door and asks if he’s feeling constipated. Watson replies, “Yeah, no s–t Sherlock!”
2. Warning signs.
Joseph Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work…
I mean seriously, there were red flags everywhere.
3. Ugh… I love it.
My son just became a father for the first time today
And in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told himthey were stored in my dadabase.
4. You got me!
What word in the dictionary is always spelled incorrectly?
5. This…. I just… Okay. It’s great.
Someone in my accounting class asked about extra credit.
Professor: “I’m sorry I don’t give extra credit in this class”
Me: “yeah but do you give extra debit?”
6. This is a fact.
Bee keepers have the prettiest eyes…
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
7. Also true.
Here’s one in Spanish:
8. I bet it was!
I entered a dad joke competition and won $1000.
It was a grand dad joke.
9. Womb-ever said this… I applaud you.
My friend looked at my pregnant wife and said: “I wonder if it isn’t really hot in there, for the baby.”
I replied: “It’s likely womb-temperature.”
The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning.
He tested positive for coke.
11. Steak detective.
My dad and I were out for steak last night when the manager came around and asked “How did you find your steak?”
Dad goes, “I just moved the potato and there it was!”
12. That’ll get you fired real quick.
I used to be a banker…
But I lost interest.
13. This one took me a minute.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
14. I bet she’ll stop doing a lot of things…
I threw a fake plastic turd at my wife’s head while she was in the shower.
Maybe now she’ll stop complaining that she’s out of sham poo.
15. Yes they do…
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
16. Also took me a minute.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVDs.
17. True dad in the making.
In the kitchen this morning, my son tells me: “Dad, you know the Spartans were really fierce, and they’d throw away old weapons. They thought that if it wasn’t sharp, it didn’t have a point.”
18. I doubt it…
I have a friend that was frozen to absolute zero once…
He was 0K
19. Better hope not!
My ex wife still misses me…
But her aim is getting better.
Breaking news: A red ship and a blue ship have collided in the Caribbean…
…apparently, the survivors are marooned.
21. None whatsoever.
What do a rude Frenchman and a ruthless Englishman have in common?
22. That’ll keep you up.
Last night I dreamt I was a car.
I woke up exhausted.
23. The time has come.
Why has Nintendo stopped producing the Wii U?
It was time for a Switch.
24. Don’t become an aunt-eater.
During dinner, I compared how Son #2 [4yo] was eating his spaghetti to an anteater. This sparked the following conversation.
Son #2: “What if I really was an ant?”
Son #1 [7yo]: “Then you wouldn’t really eat very much spaghetti. Ants eat just a little because they’re so small.”
Me: “Well, did you know it’s pretty likely that, eventually, your sister will grow up to be an aunt?”
Daughter [5yo]: “What?”
Me: “Yeah, all it’ll take is for one of you boys to have a kid. Then, she’ll turn into an aunt.”
[Kids look confused. Son #1 has worked out the pun, is rolling eyes.]
Wife: “He’s right. We helped do it to Auntie Leah.”
Daughter: “Oooooh, Daaad.”
I’d like to thank my legs for always supporting me, my arms for always being by my side and my fingers…
I could always count on them.
26. Surely they’re just posturing here?
I really feel like I have a bad posture.
I have a hunch.
27. You got me.
Is “Africa” by Toto a country song?
No, it’s a continent song.
28. Not a question.
What starts with ‘w’ and ends with ‘hat’.
29. That’s helpful. It answers the question.
I was asked to give the first initial and last name of my favorite philosopher…
But I said I Kant.
30. Nicely done.
My wife is trying to increase her daily water intake. I told her, “If you want to try and keep up, I already finished my first quart for the day.”
She replied, “No, we don’t want to turn this into a pissing contest.”
31. Get out…
My neighbor asked me if I could come over next weekend and help him strain some pasta…
I told him I’d have to check my colander.
32. And the next?
I’m going to the Fibonacci convention this year…
It promises to be as big as the last two put together!
33. As she should…
GF: Gonna make nuggets for dinner can you preheat the oven for me?
Me: Sure what temp?
GF: Whatever the nuggets say.
Me: Holding the bag of frozen nuggets to my ear for a moment. Babe they aren’t saying anything. I think they might be dead.
GF: I’m leaving you.
34. *audible groan*
I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years.
Like come on guys, I don’t have 2020 vision!
35. That is an insult!
I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, “You play an instrument?”
I replied, “Yeah, I play a little guitar.”
36. The dad is strong in this one…
Driving passed a harbour and my son points out a “boat” which I explained is actually a ferry, he then says to me “Yes daddy it’s a ferry big boat…” He’s only 4…
37. Bye bye bye!
My mom teased my dad by calling him gay. This is how my Dad retaliated.
Dad: Your ex boyfriend was hot.
Mom: Which one?
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?