1. I accidentally crushed a pigeon underneath my foot in front of a bunchof small children when I was younger. They called me a murderer and I agreed.
2. When I was pregnant I went to the mall and got a horrible case of morningsickness. It hit really suddenly so I stopped at one of those kiosks in thewalkway and threw up in their trashcan. As I was throwing up my child decidedto kick me in the bladder, making me piss myself.
That was a fun day.
3. I had just got my first job, and wanted to eat there with a friend. Wewalked a mile and a half, and both ate this breaded hot dog covered in meltedcheese monstrosity before heading back home. Almost back home and my friend isurging me to walk faster because he’s going to sh*t himself and out of nowhereI start barfing.
It’s a busy intersection, and I’m compelled to keep pace withmy friend, who’s moving faster and faster towards my house. I threw up 5 timesin under a minute at a mild jog with people gasping in their cars as they watchme. He’s grabbing his a** as he runs, I’m 20 feet behind ralphing everywhere.It would have been weird to see.
4. I used to drive a school bus, and more than once I had close callswith #2. You don’t realize how few places allow the public to rush in and takea dump. And how few of those have parking lots big enough to easily accommodatea school bus.
Best option: grocery stores.
There was one time I didn’t make it, and knew I wasn’t going to, becauseI still had a few kids left to drop off. After dropping off the last one, Ipulled down a mostly quiet side street, grabbed a ziploc bag, and did the bestI could. Squatting in the aisle. Not my proudest moment.
5. Accidentally wore pajama pants under my jeans in maybe 3rd grade, hadthe sh*ts real bad (still recovering from diarrhea), went to the bathroom,pulled off my jeans, didn’t notice that my pajamas were on underneath cause Iwas in such a rush, unleashed the kraken. Bad times were had.
6. A red pen exploded all over my WHITE shorts in middle school.Period jokes ensued for that entire day and the rest of the year.
7. This one time I had to sh*t so bad that my balls were hurting fromhaving to clench my butt cheeks so hard. I was in the mall and couldn’tremember where the bathrooms were so I went from one end to the other trying tofind somewhere to sh*t. I finally find one right as the turd is poking out andas soon as I pull down my pants, it rockets out (solid turd) and sits on theedge of the seat like a soggy cigar dangling its feet on the beaches ofsh*tville’s coast. I didn’t know what to do so I just wiped, ran out and hopedthe janitor wasn’t too angry.
8. I sh*t myself in kindergarten and my dad hosed me off in the yard. Imust have looked like a dog getting scrubbed down.
9. I was 7 months pregnant with my first. And my boyfriend and I goto the Olive Garden for dinner. So I stuff myself with food and we leave. Weget about 15 minutes from home and I turn to my boyfriend and I am like “Ireally have to go to the bathroom”. Meanwhile I have this kid kicking mein every organ inside my body including my bowels and bladder.
My boyfriend is like ok let’s take the scenic route I look at himlike I am going to cut him and tell him to get home. He is laughing like it is funny that I am about to sh*t myself. So Iget out of the car into a standing position and it happens.
With one swift kick from the inside I lose my sh*t. As I waddle up thestairs crying my boyfriend is asking what is wrong. So I do the only thing thata loving pregnant girlfriend would do. I drop my underwear full of sh*t on thebalcony (I was wearing a dress). The look of horror on his face was worth it.He learned a lesson that day 🙂 Sh*t happens
10. Peed myself in an assembly at primary school. The headmaster washanding out detentions to those who went during the assembly.
11. When I was 18 (I’m 19 now so still horribly scarred) I gave an impromptuspeech to my two best friends at their graduation party in front of about fiftypeople. I stood up and started speaking but stopped when my cheeks startingSPAZZZZZZING out, I mean violently shaking up and down to the point where peoplewho weren’t even that close could see.
It made my nerves even worse and I keptsaying EMBARRASSING things like, “Oh my god why are my cheeksshaking,” as people laughed around me. I couldn’t even really continuebecause they were spazzing so hard I couldn’t talk. My friends dad walked up tome and jokingly started massaging my cheeks, took the mic from me, and told meto finish sitting down, which I somehow managed to do.
Pretty much ruined my already very nonexistent self-confidence when itcomes to public speaking.
12. I got super drunk at a football game and went to the bathroom.
I was sorelieved until I looked down and realized I didn’t whip my dick out. My pantswere soaked with piss and I was too drunk to be embarrassed about it.
13. Christmas Day, two years ago, all dressed up, ready to go out with myfamily to a nice restaurant for an early dinner. My stomach is upset fromoverindulging on eggnog the night before, but I’m doing okay. I’m the first oneout the door and the step is icy, I slip on the stairs, and onto the snowylawn, having pooped myself. My skirt has offered no protection and there is a poop splatter over the pristine snow. My family is laughing atme. I get up, go back inside, take a shower and get in my pajamas.
I didn’t need Christmas anyway.
14. I once bought new pants and they were a bit too long, but I thought theywere great so I wore them any way. Went to school, tripped on the bottom of mypants, fall up the stairs, and being so scared that I fell, I sh*t my self. Iwas 16 and had to tell the secretary why I was going home…could not have beenworse.
15. When I was six, I threw up on the teacher’s feet while she was wearingsocks and sandals. She was a very nice lady about it.
16. I once threw up on a baby.
17. When I was like 7 I sneezed in church and it made me fart at the sametime and it was during a silent prayer part and EVERYONE in the damn churchstarted laughing. Obviously, at the ripe old age of 18, I am still scarred.
18. I was drinking at a friends house and decided to stay the night there.We were all kind of bunked up in the spare room and I was on the floor. I’mlaying on my back and had just finished the last of the vodka (mixed with oj& gatorade) with a friend while we were talking as I started to doze off.
Ihad just gotten over a sinus infection so I had a lot of drainage until Iprojectile vomited a green snot and vodka mixture into the air and straightback into my face. The incident was referred to as “AC slime”.
19. I was on my way home on the subway and realized I will not make it. So Igot off and tried to find an empty corner to take that stupid sh*t. But Icouldn’t find one and my body just gave up. I felt my undies fill with hotstinky liquid and felt it running down my leg. Finally I found an empty littleroad, let down my pants and let the rest get out.
Best part: I had my dog with me and she tried to eat it.
20. I went to Catholic mass with my grandma and mom the morning after anight of heavy drinking. I was feeling nauseated during the service, but itwasn’t until the last few minutes I knew I was going to vomit. There were nobathrooms in the building so I had to go outside and vomit right outside thechurch. People were arriving for the next mass, watching me throw up in thegrass. Made my grandma and mom really proud that day.
21. Danced at my buddies wedding.
They pulled me into circle to show off mymoves. I just closed my eyes and did whatever I had to do to get through it. Ithink I was somewhere between Elaine’s kicking dance from Seinfeld and theRussian Cossack dance. I live in fear that there is a video of it somewhere.
22. I pooped myself one cold winter’s evening, on my way to a nightclub.My best mate and I were walking down to the club, and I decided to nip into a dark corner and start having a pee.
Out of nowhere and with nowarning I just eject a stream of hot liquid poop all down the back of my legs.I was wearing beige/khaki combats, and I’m fairly sure I was steaming gently.
There’s basically nothing I can do now. I am as far from my house as Iwas going to get that evening. I just walk out, tell my mate I’ve got to gohome, and proceed to waddle the 1.5 miles home trying to stay far enough awayfrom people that they won’t notice the brown streak/smell/steam. I actuallyended up getting home, cleaning myself up and having a bath, got changed andwent back out but I couldn’t really salvage the evening.
23. In7th grade I took too big of a drink of Coke in the lunch room and passed out. Icame to and there is a large group of people standing around me staring down.The entire room was silent.
24. Iover did it at a Chinese buffet and as we were leaving, my friend cracked ajoke. I laughed really hard and then threw up all over the table. The waitresslooked ruined for life, threw a rag at me and yelled “You clean up!No!” and stormed off…
25. Bluetooth headphones connected to my iPhone. I’m listening tomusic.
My iPad in my bag begins blaring hardcore porn. I don’t hear ituntil I am off the QUIET bus.
The mp3 was playingin its LOUD entirety the whole way.
26. Once my friend tried to do a blue angel (he put thelighter to his butt and farted).
He then violently sharted himself in front of7 people. We still make fun of him.
27. I asked a girl from school out once. We had taken the train into thecity and were hanging out with friends in a park. Felt a huge fart brewing, so,being on my best behaviour, I unobtrusively moved away from the group to let itrip. Did that bit where you clench your teeth and screw your eyes up as you getready to let loose something major, and away I went. Except I was horrified tohear no sound at all, and instead just felt buckets of wet warmth inside myjeans.
After a few panic-stricken seconds frozen to the spot, during which Ihad time to stress to myself very forcefully that this was an extremelybad situation, I snuck off to the toilets. Used rolls and rolls oftoilet paper trying to clean up but there was absolutely no salvaging thesituation. Went back to the group in a somewhat chastened mood, and announced,while keeping my distance, that I wasn’t feeling good and would get the trainhome. Now, just at the point where I thought it would be impossible for the dayto get any worse, the girl I had asked out got up and said she was tired too,and that she would be coming back on the train with me. It was 50 minute tripin a crowded carriage.
28. I had a miscarriage and, usually, a woman should not expect her nextperiod for at least six weeks afterward. So 3.5 weeks after the miscarriage,getting my period was the last thing on my mind. Anyway, my husband took me toa cycling store to look at some nice bikes since we are planning on gettingback into cycling this summer. After talking to the sales rep, he offers tosize me on a Madone 3.1. Why the hell not? I haven’t been on a bike in a longtime so what’s the harm in getting to ride a beautiful piece of bikeengineering?
So we do the sizing, which takes about 30 minutes, and though I agreewith him that it feels wonderful, I insist that I cannot afford a $3,000 bikeon a PhD student’s salary. So I swing off the bike to go collect my husband.
My blood freezes. (continued)
I go pale and wobbly. My stomach starts to crawl up my throat. There onthe white saddle of a Trek Madone 3.1 is a fresh red-brown smudge. Did he see??Is he going to make me clean it? Should I offer to clean it? Can we afford toreplace the seat?? I looked back at the sales rep – he doesn’t seem to lookuncomfortable so perhaps he hasn’t noticed. While pointing over at a beautifulCervelo, I furiously try to wipe the seat clean with my sleeve. Heh, it’s theleast I can do.
As the sales rep goes over to the Cervelo, I grab my husband by the arm,inform him that we are leaving the store immediately and that we can never goback.
29. Ingrade school I really needed to go pee. I waited too long and pissed myselfright before I got to the stall. But I was clever. And my fellow students weredumb. It was a rainy day. I decided to play it off as me having fallen into apuddle of water. I spent the rest of the day in piss soaked pants and nobodyknew because we were all smelly kids anyways.