They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question. Well, they haven’t seen these questions.
This piece is based on AskReddit threads. Links on the last page.
1. Sweat without the pants.
In college I was an RA (resident advisor) meaning I had to enforce rules with the women on my floor, offer counsel, watch students for signs of problems, etc.
There were many homeschooled/super sheltered students who chose this college. Some of them were great, some of them were super awkward.
One of my freshman girls started pounding on my door after curfew one night. I freaked out, thinking she was ill or something really serious.
She came into my room, flopped down on my bed, and blurted out “I THINK I’M PREGNANT!”
Being one of the aforementioned super sheltered homeschooled kids, she had just acquired her first boyfriend.
Eventually, she calms down enough to explain that she and her new boyfriend had held hands for the first time that night and their hands were sweaty. And therefore she was pregnant.
Her parents had convinced her that any physical contact was sinful, and she thought she was being punished for holding hands with her boyfriend.
I start laughing, which made her panic even more. Then I explained she couldnt get pregnant via sweat and handholding. I basically gave this 19-year old the birds-and-the-bees talk for the first time in her life.
2. Hey baby. Let’s prove the media wrong.
I used to go to a really religious school. The girls there believed that no one actually enjoys sex, it’s just the media telling you you do.
3. That’s not what a pen is.
My friend goes around to high schools to give talks and answer questions about sex to 16 year olds. A girl began to cry once and told the teacher (and the whole class) that she thought she might have a penis.
After calming her down and explaining it all she agreed to answer more questions for those curious. Turns out she was just talking about her own anatomy and thought it was a penis. Needless to say my friend handled it so well but the girl probably had to change schools.
4. Taste the rainbow.
My sister is a sex ed teacher. Apparently a belief that more than a few students have is that yellow Skittles can act as birth control.
5. If that was true, I would be impotent.
Teacher here. I had one girl who honestly believed that she couldn’t get pregnant if she didn’t have an orgasm.
Also had one boy who thought humans basically stopped growing pubic hair in the 1980’s.
6. Period piece.
I knew a girl who had just graduated college and did not know what her period was all about. She knew she got it and she bled, but she did not know that it had anything to do with getting pregnant. She did not know that if you had sex you could get pregnant. She did not know that not getting your period was a symptom of pregnancy.
Worst of all, she refused to believe me when I tried to explain it to her.
7. Plan C!
“Will Plan B work faster if you snort it?” Whew.
8. All that is hole-y.
I am a registered nurse. I was conducting a pre-op interview on a teenage girl who was going to have surgery. She was there with her mother, and I was asking basic health related questions — past medical history, surgical history, allergies, etc. At the end of the interview, the teen asked me, “how many holes do we have down there?”
I answered “women have three.” Just then, the teen looks at her mom and exclaims, “See mom, I told you!!” And the mom looks confused and asks, “are you sure it’s three?” I tell her, “yes, women have three – vagina, urethra, anus – and men have two.”
The mother goes, “men have two??” I was shocked…
Long story short, I had to draw them a picture of female and male anatomy to drive the point home. I can see why a teen might be confused, but her mom was genuinely bewildered too.
9. Dropping the balls.
I went to a very sheltered private school that did not teach basic sex education. It only went as far as covering puberty, so parents had to fill in the rest. And my mom messed it up pretty badly. She started by describing the male genitalia – penis and scrotum. But she only said the word penis” once. After that, she referred to it as, well, “it”
“IT gets hard so IT can go inside the vagina” and the whole time having never seen what an adult penis looks like, I assume she’s means the scrotum goes into the vagina. And since I’d only seen a baby penis from daycare where the balls actually are bigger than the penis, it made sense. I thought this for several years until a friend cleared that misconception up.
I also was unaware of thrusting. I thought you just put it in a waited a bit.
10. Impregnable mind.
I knew a girl who didn’t know “where” babies came from. She was pregnant but her mum had always had c-sections with her kids. So when she was told about the “natural method of birthing a child”… she freaked.
“Well it comes out… the same way it went in.” “YOU’VE GOT TO BE JOKING!”
How can a woman get to a stage in her life where she’s PREGNANT and doesn’t know?!
11. That’s a one-way street.
I once heard the following story from a gynaecologist. A young and extremely religious woman came to her near tears one day upset that she and her husband had been unable to conceive despite over a year of trying.
After a brief discussion, the exam began and the doctor immediately noticed that the young woman’s hymen was intact. She had some follow up questions. The discussion went something like this:
Doctor: “Is sex typically painful or enjoyable?” Patient: “Painful.” Doctor: “After sex, do you ever feel the need to defecate?” Patient: “Yes, every time.” Doctor: “I have good news and bad news.”
12. I nicknamed them ‘Mars’ and ‘Venus’.
During “the talk” at our school one guy asked if one testicle produced girl babies and the other produced boy babies. Looking back, it wasn’t such a dumb question from the mind of a ten year old but oh how we laughed!
13. My dad is Richard Branson.
In eighth grade one of my classmates was fully convinced both his parents were virgins. We tried to explain how that was impossible, but he wouldn’t believe us.
14. I think I dated her.
My roommate freshman year of college had no idea that women could orgasm. This came out during a discussion about a ‘screamer’ down the hall, when my roommate genuinely had no idea why a woman would be enjoying sex.
15. Or even double-dribble.
Girl in my sex ed class in high school didn’t quite understand how she could get pregnant if a dude pulled out before he finished, and then her basketball playing boyfriend stood up and yelled: “Before a man shoots he’s got to dribble!” Best analogy ever.
16. The tampon blues.
A kid in my sex ed class once asked “why are periods blue?” He’d obviously seen a few too many tampon/pad commercials.
17. Plan E: education.
I had my younger brother come to me for help. He wanted me to buy him and his girlfriend Plan B.
Being the good older brother that I am, sometimes, I drove them to a drug store, and paid $40 for the Plan B. She takes it. Then I lecture them on safe sex practices.
I see a dumb look on their faces. I immediately ask if they knew what condoms were for.
His girlfriend, with a completely serious face, looked at me and said,” But I don’t like the taste of condoms.”
Yeah, thats right. They didnt even have sex. They didnt know how babies were made.
18. Inside job.
Volunteered at a teen education program for Planned Parenthood in the late 80s. Had a 16-year-old or so girl that had gotten pregnant but swore she had used the pill. Turns out she was using it as a suppository.
19. I think I know why he’s your ex.
Was taking a bath when I was about 8 months pregnant. My ex walked in, all color drains from his face and he starts to panic.
He thought the baby’s umbilical cord was attached to my belly button and that with my belly button underwater, I was in fact drowning our child.
20. Now that’s a plastic bag!
I knew a guy who impregnated a girl because he wore the condom on his ballsack. And thats why we have sex ed.
21. Part of your world.
If I have sex underwater and get pregnant, will the baby be a mermaid? – A student in a sex ed class I taught. I responded with the deepest sigh ever and a slow turn to the next question.
22. In Soviet Russia, sex educates you.
My mom was raised in the Soviet union, where there was no sex education.
She got pregnant at 17, married my dad etc. We started talking about sex ed and she blurts out: I was so stupid that I thought you only got pregnant if you’re in a certain position.” Cue horrified face and drop of subject.
23. Jumping for joy.
I’m a teacher. My state is abstinence-only education and so most of the sex-ed is limited at best. This may explain a 9th grade class I had three years ago with four mothers in it. Anyway, one of my students was convinced that if you jumped up and down after you had sex you wouldn’t get pregnant. Without using any words that make me blush, I told her unequivocally that she was wrong and not to try that at home.
24. Like the feather in Forrest Gump.
Some kid in my sex ed class asked if semen floats. In the air. Like a helium balloon.
25. Squeeze and thank you.
After testicles are mentioned for the first time a kid asked, “Are those the things that make your stomach hurt when you squeeze them?” STOP DOING THAT!
26. I guess I’m a member of G-Unit now.
“Is the G-spot where the gangsters hangout?” Serious question this girl asked my senior year in high school.
27. I think YOU’RE the dad now.
A kid asked his mother: “Mom, how come mine’s bigger than Dad’s?”
28. Well, it can take the rust off a bicycle…
I am a middle school teacher. One boy told me he could never get his girlfriend pregnant because she always washed herself out with Coca Cola after sex. Yuck.
29. Three’s company.
A kid in the sex ed class I taught asked me a pretty incredible question. “Is it normal for one of your testicles to be smaller than the other two?”
30. Caloric intake.
During sex ed in high school, the girl sitting behind me stood up and asked, “How many calories are there in semen?”
31. Sooo close.
“So when does the blood start squirting out my butt?” -from an 11-year-old student. Bless her heart.
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